No communication regarding health & history

[Confused40]

I posted here regarding being pregnant and it not being my now ex fiancé's. Again, please please don't judge me! I'm struggling enough as it is.
I'm 28 weeks pg and need to know history of health/illnesses of babies father. I'm rare blood group so even more important, and have mw appmt next week. Babies father broke all lines of communication upon me telling him I was pregnant. I've not heard from him for months now and we were friends for over 2 years. I had broken up with fiancé when I became pg. Fiancé had been abusive, and stupidly I got back with him. His abuse got worse, and I ended rs a couple of weeks ago.
I'm astounded that babies father won't communicate re health and don't know what to say to mw at appmt.
On top of that I'm grieving loss if rs with fiancé, even though I ended it. Friends reactions have been mixed and I'm reluctant to talk. Started counselling last week but find myself waking up 6am onwards not able to get back to sleep and just crying.
I'm studying one day a week, which includes placements and just started maternity pay. I'm trying so hard and really struggling. In the outside world I'm blooming whilst at home I struggle to keep everything in perspective.

Hi confused
I think you'll find most people here won't judge you.
I can only give you advice for what I have been through. My partner's dad disappeared when he was weeks old after a short fling with my MIL so we didn't have any medical info on his side either...
the mw said that while it is helpful to know so they know if they need to monitor something more carefully it is not the end of the world and if something is extremely wrong it will likely come out at one of your appointments or scans.
The way I see it, as you know it will be impossible to find out why stress out about it and drive yourself nuts/have an argument with the baby's father?He sounds awful and I think it is disgraceful that he won't speak to you.... but hun do not stress you can do this!
you say you're blooming outside the house?well focus on that and with counseling and support here you'll soon start blossoming at home too xxx all the best x

The fathers medical info really isn't that important in the scheme of things. Many men raise children they think are their children...

Your doing what you can to get through a really tough situation. The counselling is a very good idea.

Look after yourself and your baby. Take care.

Sorry meant to say tell mw you are no longer in contact with the father, his choice. Im sure she will have heard it many times before.

As for your friends. Some will fall away but the true ones will be there for you. Concentrate on the positive friends. They might feel a bit awkward so it might need you to be clear to them how you feel.

Take care. x

I honestly think midwives almost expect fathers not to be involved these days! She won't judge you and certainly nobody else will. I'm 27 weeks now and feeling rotten again so I'm sure your hormones are not helping but please make sure you tell your midwife how you are feeling, I went to a drop-in 2 weeks ago because I was so worried about my mental situation and while my own relationship isn't exactly plain sailing all the time it's no wonder you're struggling to cope with everything thats been going on. Also - at 28 weeks as someone else said most major problems would likely have been picked up prior to now. Since I went to that drop-in I've been referred to a lovely nurse who specialises in mental health for expectant and new mothers. It sounds like this could help you too.

I hope it all works out and there are so many other women in similar situations, please don't ever feel like you're alone! x

Hello confused, it's good to see you back online with us. Sounds like you are still doing it pretty tough but well done for keeping the lines of communication open! No judgement here - just a sympathetic ear.

In terms of the father's health, I can honestly say you should not let this worry you. The family history is helpful as an indicator of risk but the tests done on expectant mums these days are so extensive that you would be likely to detect major problems directly anyway. I am not a medical expert though... Keep chatting with your midwife if you have concerns.

Focus your energy on the good friends who are there for you. If others are not able to provide the support that you need at this time, it is disappointing but you can't let it drag you down. Friends who make you feel positive are the ones that you need right now! Take care.

I'm thinking that doing the counselling is probably bringing up a lot of sadness for me that I've not had to openly think about. I allowed myself to stay with a man who abused me, even going back to him. That says that my confidence needs serious work. When I've been looking at the statistics of women who stay in abusive relationships, its shocking how many actually say similar to what I've been saying.

The fact that I'm pregnant and having to go through this is for me a significant factor. Its been proven that when a woman is pregnant, men can become even more abusive.

I now know that my ex-fiance was unfaithful to me, so am having to cope with the idea of getting myself checked out

How embarrassing will that be? I'll just have to grin and bear it I guess, and hope that all is ok. I guess the saving grace is that I don't have to go to my GP.

I'm conscious that because I'm feeling pain I don't want to be a pain too though. I've purposely cut myself off from friends, as I feel that my only focus at the moment is whats happening in my life. I don't want to always speak about whats happened. The fact that I'm pregnant makes it difficult not to though as people automatically say hows it all going. What am I supposed to do? Lie, and say, oh I'm fine, or be truthful and risk pissing people off?

Friends of mine have their own issues as I found out when a friend came round the other night. This is where counselling is coming in invaluable. I can speak about myself, without them saying 'oh I know exactly how you feel'. This may sound heartless, but how can you know how I feel if you've not experienced it? There are some things that happened with my fiance that I will never share, not even with the counsellor. Some things are meant to be kept in the past, and I believe for a reason.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, and coming on here is great to be able to air my woes and worries, but again, I think, are people reading this and thinking 'oh woe is her, get a life love, and stop being such a drama queen'....

Don't think that way, you've gone through an incredibly traumatic experience. Your number 1 focus is you and your baby. You need to be selfish for the sake of your baby's well being. And if your friends can't be supportive for you, then they may not be the friends you need right now!

How about family? Are they helping you through this at all?

Take care

Don't get me wrong, I do have friends that are supportive. I'm just finding out the ones who are genuine and not so genuine, thats all. One friend who's partner called me a 'jezebel' must also think the same way, for even telling me he said it. What had she said to him for him to utter such words. The irony is that he is extremely abusive to her, and has never been faithful in any r/l. She's desperately unhappy with him, and only stays with him as she is also pregnant, and doesnt want to have a child out of wedlock. I've tried telling her her child will grow up seeing him treat her badly and think its the way a man should treat a woman.

I'm glad I'm finding out such information, as it means I can filter out all the negativity from my life. People are going to judge me, no matter what I do, and thats their business.

I don't have much contact with family. I am very close with my older sister, who lives overseas. I wish so badly that she was living closer, as she does. She's shipped me a huge parcel of items for the baby and I'm so looking forward to receiving it. I speak with her regularly on the phone, so that is really helpful, and we're honest with one another too.

I have counselling next week, and I'll be using the time wisely, and really focusing on my feelings, emotions and being brutally honest. I have to make it work for me, more so as I don't have that long before baby is born and it'll probably have to stop for a while. I dreaded it last week, but I'm actually looking forward to it this week. A chance to speak about myself entirely, and say how I'm really feeling.