In laws!

[Emsyboo]

Not sure this is the best place but happy to move if needed
My in laws are driving me mad- they are bad enough normally MIL overly critical - the usual really.
I have put my foot down about seeing them as they insist on keeping their Doberman in the same room as my 2 yr old DS who he is jealous of and growls and snaps at without any discipline.
They have now turned me into the bad guy and say they don't see DS enough but they came to our house 4 times in the past 12 months yet we are expected to see them all the time.
Anyway they offered to babysit for us this weekend my family are all away at a family wedding which I am not allowed to go to due to pregnancy complications. My family are on standby as I have been taken into hospital 3 times this pregnancy but are all 5 hrs away so we asked PIL.
This was on Saturday they said they would stay on call and babysit Friday so we could go out for a bit.
Yesterday we find out their social life is more important and in a few days since saying they would are off out drinking on Friday night.
I am pregnant and hormonal will be 36 weeks this weekend and paranoid as with DS and a normal ish pregnancy I had bleeding and bloody show at 36 weeks if that happens again we will be straight in for EMCS and due to no babysitters I will be on my own.
Me and DH have nearly split up because of his parents before and I feel so upset by them again.
They haven't been interested in this pregnancy at all MIL even forgot I was pregnant.
I don't know what to do if I bring up with DH again we could split up again but we are continually being let down and I am the one posted as the bad guy.
I need DHs support at the mo as this has been a scary pregnancy but his parents are causing me too much upset

Not sure I can offer advise, only sympathise as somebody who also has problems with PIL. That said, perhaps the greater issue is your hubby? Does he not take issue with the fact that his dc is in room with a snarling, jealous doberman? I raised an issue on a thread on here about problems with PIL and somebody wisely asked- if it was a friendship, would we still be working at it? Do they give anything at all back to the relationship? Luckily, DP totally gets issues. Now, we still see them and still have issues but we don't ever rely on them and don't go out of our way to meet their ridiculous demands. Sometimes, just changing your frame of mind helps even when you can't change circumstances- I no longer feel bad about meeting their impossible/ ever changing demands and DP and I don't let ourselves get upset- it seemed so silly that we would be stressed/ bicker because of their issues. Again, I'm not sure how helpful that advice is but I would defo start by approaching DP.

I've spoken to him about it a few times the last time I moved in with my parents.
That made us realise we still loved each other but we had an honest discussion about issues in our relationship this was a few months ago and although I have has fall outs sorting things with my family and made more of an effort to meet his needs he has not held up his side.
He feels the same about the issues but won't raise it with them but he understands why I won't take DS to their house and supports me in that. But on this he took the blame saying he wasn't clear that we wanted them to babysit and needed them on call but I was there and heard the conversation so know that is not true he was really grateful and kept saying thank you.
I know people have worse in laws than me but I feel really sad they don't care about DS or new baby I just wish they would stop pretending they do then blame me for not seeing him when I have always said they are welcome at our house.

I have a great relationship with my in-laws, but like you can't rely on them at all to babysit or help out with my children. They always say they will, but then don't. My DH blindly believes everything they say. I found the way to deal with it is to just not rely on them for anything childcare related.

The issue with the dog would really concern me though and you are right to not go to their house to visit. Maybe you could use your pregnancy and later the new baby as the reason for not doing these visits (just for arguments sake).

My fifth baby is due tomorrow and I will most likely be going into hospital alone to have it whilst DH looks after our other children. I don't have any relationship with my family and MIL says she will babysit whilst I am in hospital, but only for a few hours . So even if she does actually come when I phone her, I can't see it will be much help unless this baby (unlike my others) is a really fast labour.

Try not to complain to your DH about his parents too much as it will only cause further resentment between the two of you.

Do you have any close friends who could babysit?

We had an argument this morning about the whole thing it doesn't help I can't sleep for worrying about things - including this.
The dog has become a big issue and I refuse to go to their house unless a compromise is made - at least put him in the kitchen when we visit but they treat him like a baby and even sit on the floor while he is on the sofas. I like dogs and animals my own parents have a dog and 4 cats but they put them out when DS visits or we have controlled petting time where DS gets to pet them but under supervision as I don't want him growing up scared of animals either.
This pregnancy has been very difficult I have been in and out of hospital and DH has to work as have our own business so my parents have been amazing and since I got taken in at 25 weeks with a heavy bleed (placenta previa) one of them has always stayed under the limit (even at Christmas) in case they need to come through and take DS.
This weekend is my sisters wedding so just wanted to be sure we could call on someone - our close friends live a long way a way and although we do play dates I don't know anyone or trust anyone enough to look after him.
DH won't say anything to them so its his problem if he misses this baby's birth - chances are low as I will only be 36 weeks but this was when I went into labour last time and in this case would be a EMCS which he knows I am scared about.
I just feel they don't care not bringing it up with DH is one thing but they have been impacting on our relationship for years now as MIL is always criticising me and even when we were planning our wedding she was so negative about the whole thing and demanding about what she wanted without paying a penny.
I want DS to have a good relationship with them as they are nice enough people but they have never even bought him a birthday card and he is 2! I feel this next baby will just be another inconvenience to them.

NAR4 - good luck with your new arrival hope to see an announcement soon - sorry you may have to do it on your own.

So sorry they are causing you so much trouble Emsyboo. Pregnancy and parenthood is hard enough without added difficulties or criticisim. Maybe some sort of councilling would help you and your DH. That way he would have to actually listen to your genuine concerns and respond to them. It might just help the penny drop, so to speak.

Hope all goes well for the rest of your pregnancy and I'm sure your CS will be fine DH there or not. My SIL didn't have her DH at hers because she thought he would faint. She says the midwifes were great and one of them held her hand throughout and talked her through what was happening and what it would feel like, so it took all the scary worry out of it. My DS also had this done for her, at a different hospital. Hope this happens for you too.

Thanks NAR we have discussed counselling a few times.
Maybe not having him there would be ok I know he wants to be there but he had nightmares for weeks after DS was born as I had PPH.
My parents are really reliable so after this weekend will be fine.
Goodluck with your baby x x

I really feel your pain emsyboo with MIL issues, my DPs reaction to the problems AND to the untrained snarly dog situation.

Not to stir the pot between you and your husband, but could he be excusing his parents inability babysit because he is scared of being there for the EMCS? I know his feelings should take a back seat in this case, but it might be worth mentioning to him that you will be the more scared and that he doesn't have to look down at it, just look at you and support you.

You are right to be cautious about the snarly dog and your DS. This isn't a piece of advice, but I hope it makes you smile: MIL always says that her worst behaved dog is just scared all the time that he is barking/growling/snapping/attacking the other dogs he lives with. After making a huge scene about how she wanted to make the turkey for Thanksgiving this year and bring it to SIL house because the turkey was 'dry' last time SIL cooked it she had to call us up to collect her from A&E the night before. Apparently she must have really, really scared her own puppy because he went right for her arm, requiring a few stitches. Now, Im not saying that her pain is funny, but it was nice to see the dog sit outside while we enjoyed delicious "dry" turkey a la SIL inside.

I'm crossing my fingers for an easy rest of pregnancy for you.

They are a nightmare aren't they! I can sympathise although my problem is too much input. They would live with us given the chance! They are redecorating their spare room because I am having a baby! They have bought a bigger car because I am having a baby! They are trying to get me to not take maternity leave so they can have my baby.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for them. I wouldn't be happy with the dog situation! If you and dh agree then you need to both have a chat with them. If you don't agree then you need to make a compromise and get it set in stone.

Don't accept any more babysitting offers, they are obviously unreliable. Use friends instead.

The only way is to communicate with them. I am learning this and although its hard its the best way unless you want your head to pop

Poor you! What a nightmare. You are completely right re the dog situation; I wouldn't visit them either unless dog was put in the garden. I was attacked by a dog that was given the same sort of privileges: he thought he was the head of the pack. I was kneeling on the floor and he jumped on my back and was biting my head . I will never trust another dog ever. Your dh should support you and talk to his parents but he obviously finds that very difficult, so better to have no expectations of help from them. Also do you really trust them to keep ds safe? After all they are happy with the potentially fatal dog situation! A paid babysitter might be an answer?

With regard to the dog situation, my sister's dog is the same and I have never visited her with my children, ever, in the 10 years she has had the dog. I was upfront and said I didn't feel my children were safe around her dog. Because of the distance between where we live, this has meant minimal contact between us over the years, but my children's safety has to come first.

Poor you, what a nightmare! I can totally sympathise with the dog issue. I actually have a dog, it is a tiny maltese/westie cross who is a soft as you like, and great with children, but we have a friend who is unhappy around dogs, so I always put her in the office when she comes round out of respect - it is our choice to have an animal, but we don't foist her on people who don't like it.

I also sympathise with the in laws. I actually have moved to germany, so my parents are about 5 hours via flights away from me, so I really have to get on with them. They are in fact terribly kind, but a bit too over involved. We had situations like MIL expecting she is still no 1, sitting in the front of the car if we are together and me shoved in the back, or my HB to open doors for her first etc. Her opinion over something to do with our flat, how we live etc was always listened to with great reverence, often over mine, even when I knew her to be wrong - for us. It sounds trivial, but it was all the time, and bloody annoying.

In the end I had a huge, huge bust up with HB about it, and said enough. WE are the team here, we are the unit, and we come first. I will always put you ahead over my family now, and you must do the same, you must back me up with them even if you don't fully agree sometimes, we must present a united front, no chinks in the armour. We are also 'adults' now and must be seen as such. . I don't know if this approach would work with your hubby, but I kind of went in and got the right outcome from him by saying 'look, Now we are married (you could say 'having the baby etc') I will always put you first over my parents, family, and stand up to them for you - we are the family unit, of our own now' etc and then you can say he should do the same in return with his parents. I bet you anything he says they are fine, and you are over reacting as actually he is desperate to stop an argument weirdly, and try and keep the peace. My HB behaved like this until I said we both had to strap on a pair.

Also your HB really ought to put his foot down over the dog stuff too. I tend to get my way if I present HB with fact - show him links to research on the topic such as the link below which shows the pros and cons - show your in laws too. Basically, dobermans should be brought up as a puppy alongside small children, otherwise they will seen children as a threat, they will be jealous of then, and prone to snap, snarl and in worst cases attack. This is a fact, any doberman breeder would telly you that, or any dog expert or decent trainer. People can see it's not just you being 'difficult' when faced with a reasoned argument. People can be very silly with their animals as theirs is 'different' nonsense... www.terrificpets.com/articles/10244365.asp
www.familydobes.com/dobermans_&_kids.htm

Best of luck and sorry for my essay!!

Thanks everyone and thanks teaandflapjacks for the links will take a proper look on the computer when I can copy and paste.
The most annoying thing is DH agrees with me but hasn't got the balls to say anything I am quite opinionated I'm afraid and know if I say something it will get out if hand.
MIL and me had a blazing row 18 months ago after she had a go at me about giving DS vaccines he wasnt himself after driving to their house and missing naps and seeing these strange people but of course it was the vaccines that meant he was mardy and I had poisoned him and his symptoms would get worse and he would be blind and deaf by the next weekend - sorry was a blazing row and DH just let her have a go at me even though I could recite research into the reasons to vaccinate!
The dog is a real problem but at the moment I am not giving in and in a few weeks will have a newborn to protect me and DH have jumped in to stop the dog snapping at DS before so couldn't do that for 2 DCs and the stress of having to watch the dog constantly means it is not nice for us visiting.
I see plenty of dogs that are great with kids including rotty's and dobermans but this dog isn't their dog walker has stopped walking him because he is aggressive to other dogs it is more how they treat him and his own disobedience and personality that is the problem than him being a dog.
I refuse to let them take DS away they have only babysat when he was in bed I don't trust them with his safety if they insist on keeping a dangerous dog in a room growling at DS (the reason they give is so he gets used to DS) then how can I trust them to look after him