feeling rejected

[firstdayofnewme]

NC for this...

Currently 20 weeks pg and DH has lost all interest in sex. I haven't. We haven't had sex in weeks, and hardly at all since I fell pg. That's very different to how things were before.

I'm really missing the intimacy as much as anything else, and tried to start things last night, only to be rejected again, and told that he was tired. It was about 9.30pm .

We ended up talking about it briefly, and he said he worried it might cause problems, and it's pretty clear he doesn't find me as attractive as he used to. I suspect this is because he sees me as a mum-to-be, and not as his lover/wife any more. He obviously didn't want to talk about it, and I got upset and he went to sleep after our chat. I was so upset I had to go to the spare room to sob quietly, and finally fell asleep there at about 1am. I woke up at 4am and sneaked back into bed, and I don't think he realised I'd disappeared.

I just don't know what to think about this. I'm sure it's the hormones making things worse, but it just feels like I've almost lost all of the old me. We used to have a brilliant social life, but obviously this has stopped due to us saving and me not drinking. Whereas we were out several times a week, we now stay at home. And I don't look as good as I used to, I'm bigger and can't wear my lovely clothes, and am hating the changes to my body, especially as I now feel this is making DH not want me.

Anyway was just wondering if anyone out there is going through the same, or has been through the same at any point. Will we ever get it back? Or is this it, is this how it's going to be forever?

Hi firstdayofnewme I dont have any direct experience of this, so cant offer much but I just wanted to send you some kind words and a hug

You mention talking to him about it and his response was that he was worried he would cause problems - it sounds like he is nervous of hurting you or the baby. You also mention that 'its pretty clear he doesn't find me attractive as he used to' - do you know this for sure, or are you assuming this is the case? You said later on in your post that you 'dont look as good as you used to' - it sounds like you are worried about your body. Try embrace all the changes, its the closest thing to a miracle. And I dont know about you but Id give anything to keep the cleavage I've developed recently .

I'd start slowly trying to discuss it again. Could you try and gently direct him towards reading about sex during pregnancy? Could you suggest a bath, massage or something similiar to get things moving in the right direction?

Hey bluesky
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me...

I think he is a bit scared. We had a mc at 12 weeks before, and at 16 weeks I had the tiniest bit of bleeding. The midwife said it could be from sex (it wasn't as we hadn't had sex) but I do think that worried him. But I do think he doesn't find me as attractive as he did.

He's so affectionate and cuddly but somehow it doesn't feel enough. I think this is my issue, not his. I guess I want to feel reassured that he still wants me. And he doesn't.

I really don't want to try initiating anything with him again, even if it's just a bath, it was so totally crushing to be rejected so openly. I've tried a few times over recent weeks and have been more subtly rejected, but this really upset me. I told him not to touch me when he tried to hug me after Plus if I really didn't want to have sex with him, I'd hate him to try to pressure me into it. So I think I need to just accept that's how it's going to be for the next few months.

I struggled to talk to him this morning before we left for work, but have been e-mailing him trying to sound chirpy enough and 'normal' today. I've suggested we accept things are different, and move on, and that we concentrate on just doing nice things together eg going out for dinner or to the cinema, so we have a different time of 'just us' time. He thinks I'm being dramatic.

Just feel to sad that the old me / my old life seems to have gone totally. Hey ho.

Thanks again for replying, sorry to be such a moaning old cowbag.

Oh, and in terms of cleavage - I had plenty before but they're just ridiculous now, and DH isn't even a 'boobs man'! I know it's a miracle, I really do and I obviously truly wouldn't change a thing, I'm still totally delighted we're having a baby, and it still doesn't feel real. I'd gain 20 stone if that what it took to get our baby! I've struggled with eating/body issues in my past and wonder if that's making the physical changes harder to accept.

Hey firstday sorry to hear you're having a rough time. It's difficult, but maybe he's struggling to mentally adjust to being a father-to-be as well. Maybe he thinks he should act or think in a certain way, and is wrestling with his own expectations versus what he wants to do.

It's tricky with the hormones racing around but try and be gentle with him - and yourself! If you're feeling frisky, you could try wearing some nice undies or a nice dress - easier said than done in pregnancy if you're anything like me! I went weeks without makeup and in scruffy trousers and a hoody as that's all I felt well enough for.

But I noticed that when I started to pay more attention to the way I looked (and was feeling well enough to do so) my OH started paying me more attention too. It's not very PC I know and I hope no-one flames me for saying it, but essentially, men are visually driven. And no, we shouldn't pander to them and yes they should love us for who they are, but physiologically, looks are important.

One last thing - you say he's cuddly. Could you suggest naked cuddles in bed? It feels more intimate than normal hugs, and doesn't have to lead on from there (although in time maybe it will).

My OH and I couldn't have sex for 6 weeks due to some post-surgery healing and early pregnancy. We started with naked cuddles and went from there.

Good luck.

I am having the same with my husband, sorry to hear you're feeling unattractive and unwanted.

Have you tried talking to him about it, telling him everything you've said on here? He probably doesn't know it's as big a deal to you as it is. It is difficult changing roles and feeling like you're being treated differently by everyone, like you're too delicate to do anything, or too mumsy. I totally understand that feeling.

I haven't had sex with my husband since we got pregnant, I'm now 14 weeks. At first it was me, because I felt so ill and tired but recently it's because he doesn't want to and I now feel like I don't have a leg to stand on because I wouldn't even touch him for the first 2 months! I know my husband doesn't think it will harm the baby but I think he does think it will harm me in some way. He's heard a lot about bleeding after sex etc and I think that plays on his mind. I'm sure it's not that your husband doesn't find you attractive anymore, his role is changing too and he's going to be a dad now, maybe that's something to do with it. What happened to you before I'm sure must play a part too. I vote, talk to him as calmly as you've laid it all out here, tell him how much you love him and miss the intimacy you used to have. I will too - and hopefully things will start to change for both of us!

And congratulations on the pregnancy!

xx

Firstday, you might find this Guardian article quite interesting. The comments give some interesting male perspectives on the whole sex during pregnancy thing. I think a lot of men do get a bit freaked out by the concept of sex during pregnancy and worry about harming the baby.

I wonder if your previous miscarriage has something to do with how your husband is feeling? If he hasn't been keen to have sex since he found out you were pregnant, it sounds more likely to be something related to this than a purely physical thing.

I know this may not be everyone's bag but what about non penatrative sex? It can rebuild the intimacy and provide satification for both parties without anyone worrying about putting the pregnancy at risk?

firstday Im very sorry you had a mc before. To have bleeding this time around must have been a very big worry for you both - bringing back all the memories of your previous loss and new worries for both of you about this time. Does he know the MW suggested the bleeding could have been from having sex? If so this could be a contributing factor. Does your DH talk openly about his feelings? Has he talked about how the mc and bleeding this time made him feel? I suspect his is very worried having sex will mean harming the baby or harming you.

You're not a moaning cowbag at all, pregnancy is a big change - its constant worry, weird things happening to your body and all those heightened emotions. Dont be so hard on yourself, you've been through a lot already.

I hope my line about it being a miracle didnt come across as something along the lines of 'you should be grateful' if so my apologies, its not what I meant - what I meant was you created and are now building that miracle inside you right now, which makes you and your body totally amazing . Get yourself out to the shops and buy yourself something that will make you feel nice - even just a little thing. Perhaps some new makeup, nail varnish, some nice underwear that makes you feel, or perhaps go and get your hair cut. Because you are pregnant doesnt mean you have to give up on the 'old you' - its just slightly a adapted version, 'new improved' perhaps! Take one step at a time with your DH, he might be harbouring feelings about this that he hasnt yet felt he can fully share xx

that makes you feel nice

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. And I'm sorry your DH is minimising your feelings by telling you you're being dramatic - how insensitive. I'd tell him directly how you feel - sex is important to you, your feelings are valid and are to be taken seriously, you feel he thinks you're unattractive and you want to sort it out, not be fobbed off.

Try not to turn all this around on yourself.

I'm 26 weeks now, but we didn't have sex until well after the 12 week scan. After a previous m/c we were just so worried, neither of us would have enjoyed it.

Also remember that he said he was tired and pretty quickly fell asleep - so maybe on that ocassion he was?

bluesky the miracle comment didn't come across like that in the slightest, please don't worry. It is a miracle

Thanks for all the support everyone. I'm not sure what to do, I'm really not sure I'm up to starting anything with him, I can't face any more rejection. Instead I think I'm going to try telling myself that it's just not going to happen until after, and try to get used to that idea. Then if it does, it will be a lovely surprise.

I'm just conscious that I'd hate to put pressure on him to have sex with me - if someone came on here saying their DH was pressuring them to have sex when they didn't feel like it I'm sure they'd get flamed!

3rdtime - I remember reading your name on a mc thread some time ago, am so glad all is going well for you

FirstDay only just seen your good wishes - thank you x

There's a great Dad section at the back of What To Expect When You're Expecting - it covers sex as well as other feelings he might be having. I recommend you read it first and then ask him to read it too.

Glad we read it, it's avoided a lot of potential pitfalls!!

Hi firstday.
Sorry to hear you're having difficulties at the moment.
From what you have said it sounds like that its not that he doesn't find you attractive but that he's worried for the baby. Even though his worries might be an overreaction but some men don't know how to handle things.
I'm having similar problems as you.
This is our first baby, I was really ill for the first 5 months with HG, now I have a prolapsed vagina! With us, I'm not fussed about sex but more the intimacy, and I've noticed my husband won't cuddle up to me at night like normal or even show normal day to day affection. When I try to talk to him he says its because I'm now always too hot and sweaty.
Last night we watched a movie at home together and I asked him to come on to my sofa so we could cuddle he said my belly was too big there would be no room for him.

So I totally sympathise with you because I feel like we have all these changes to put up with (inc my insides feeling like they are falling out!) and I'm getting self conscious he maybe doesn't love me like he did before.

It's nice your husband is still showing affection. Can I suggest you talk with him, and maybe agree not to go full intercourse but some kind of mutual foreplay? You can then reassure the baby is perfectly safe.

All the best. Xxx

Sex in pregnancy for my DP is off the cards :( with DC1 it really bothered me, think women feel naf enought about their bodies anyway to have this added stress but DP said it just felt wrong to him. Knowing the baby was just there. Now 11weeks n no loving since we found out at 5 weeks. Already quite frustrating but at least I know we're I stand this time.

...funny story I'd thought might cheer you up... After weeks of DH not wanting to cuddle me or show me affection (because I'm too hot to be near and my bump gets in the way) yesterday on valentines day suddenly DH wanted to display his affection and get all amorous with me. As it was valentines day and that. I'd gone to bed way before him, as I often do these days so I got woken up to him trying to nuzzle up to me, much to my annoyance I said I was tired. He said "oh but you're always tired" ... Well, I was peeved! After weeks of trying to even get a cuddle he was now after sex. I told him to bog off! (That was the polite way of saying what I actually said to him!) xxx

I didn't get any from first announcing my pregnancy until I was overdue and had to pretty much rape him.
Sounds funny now but I was climbing the walls!