Unexpected pregnancy - advice please

[Stunned65]

I would really appreciate some help knowing what to do....here is my story.

It has been quite a week! I am 47 and my ex is 39. I ended our short relationship on Monday as we wanted very different futures but on Thursday I received a text message to say she was pregnant and it would be unethical to tell me. We have since talked and corresponded and she has advised that whilst practical she is not strong enough to go through a termination. We talked when we first met and I said that my parenting days were over and she confirmed that she was taking contraceptive so we had a sexual relationship. The last time we met at New Year appears to be the time of conception and complications with medication may have resulted in no protection. Sadly if I had known I would have taken additional precautions but we are where we are.

I have been told that as she knows that I would not want another child she says that as she cannot terminate this is her responsibility and that she needs nothing from me and that I can walk away if I want. She has also said that she may refuse any support I offer. Having been brought up by her mother and only introduced to her father many years later she does not want that for any child or me. We have also talked and know that our wishes are directly opposed but also I have said that I know how she feels and would not put pressure on her to terminate.

I know my legal obligations and the fact that she has said she would not ask for me to be involved and as you can imagine "the right thing to do" is also in my mind. We have both talked about not wanting to look each other in the eye in future and seeing that pain and sadness that is there. It is important that she does what is right for her but she is also asking me to do what is right for me which will leave her alone. She is now wishing she had not told me and has said she will not contact me again unless I contact her.

I would appreciate thoughts based on our conversations and points of view. I am already telling myself that despite wanting to just walk away I must do something but I know that I will be unhappy.

What a difficult situation. From seeing how my family and friends have coped with separated parents and children I would say that although your emotions are quite raw that you should put them aside and consider what is best for the child if your ex decides to keep the baby. Through my observations this is consistent and reliable contact with both parents. However I have never personally been in your situation so it us hard to say how I would cope.

I can imagine you are shocked, but it really does sound like this was unintended and I would suggest that with hormones raging your XP is likely to be going through far worse.
Contraceptives fail, even if used correctly, there's no 100% guarantee. There is no undoing the situation. It's your responsibility as much as hers. (Yes you thought she had adequate protection, but if you never wanted to father another child you could have taken that responsibility into your own hands with condoms/vasectomy on top of what she was doing).

FWIW your XP sounds like she is being very reasonable.

IMO your next step needs to be focused on this child, who will be arriving in the world in a few months. I think it unlikely, given the expression of your post, that you have nothing to give this child. You may be terrified, it may totally change your current life plans, but I suspect that you may surprise yourself.

This child will end up knowing you are her father, these things always come out. Your own DC will end up knowing too. Could you really look yourself in the mirror if you didn't have some input into his/her life?

Your XP is asking for nothing. So we're not talking about waking every night for months and coping with newborn/toddler hell day in day out. But seeing this little girl or boy, assuring them you are there as and when you're needed, to give some love to this little child and let them have the chance of sibling relationships with your DC.

If you really don't think you can do this then walk away. Let the dust settle and I hope you find you can.

Good luck.

Walk away from the relationship by all means but not the child....

I've got two single parent friends who have absolutely no contact with their childrens' fathers.They have done absolutely everything on their own,even gone through the delivery.They have coped amazingly well and the children are lovely and seem well -adjusted.It was their choice to proceed as the relationships had failed and the pregnancies were unintended.But I know that they both feel sad that their children are missing out on some fatherly involvement and both would prefer it if there was some contact.If you could try and establish some kind of relationship with the baby that would be ideal,just because your relationship with the mum is over doesn't mean that you can't play a role.And although it was unintentional and you made yourself clear and have no obligation to be involved,accidents do happen and I totally understand why your ex-partner would want to proceed with the pregnancy regardless.

Thank you for your comments and the fact that you have not been judgemental. I am still stunned and finding this difficult. She has subsequently talked to a counsellor and decided that she now wants me to be involved. I have asked for time as I do not feel the same so lets see how things progress.

Thanks again.