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Original poster

Am i being over sensitive should i let this go?

11 replies

mattysmum09 · 27/01/2013 08:35

I know this has nothing to do with pregnancy but I'm writing it here as I'm hoping you ladies will understand why Im so emotional and can maybe help me make sense of these feelings... My baby is a few weeks old now and i feel totally let down by my partner in terms of after the birth I had considered having no visitors for the first week or two just to give us time together and avoid some of the bugs about at the moment (whoopingcough etc v scary!)
anyway I was very uptight by the time i gave birth as i had a lot of my own anxiety having had one hard birth before then one good birth, and as it turned out this one was fine too:) all good so far....
then i relaxed a bit as recovering at home and we had one or two visitors...all going well, i felt that some of his family were a bit rude to me and did not feel supported by him which caused some tensions...but i let it go as i am a grown up after all i can deal with that although hurtful.

Then he brings his son from a previous relationship over who has had sickness bug two days before, i tell him I'm not happy about it I dont want bugs in the house, it turns into a row, son comes anyway, our house goes down with sickness one week later. :( :(
I stil feel like crying when i think about it, we are fine now baby didn't get it luckily but i feel very hurt that he was so unsuppotive. I feel a bit depressed in general at the moment and i am determined not to let it win as i want to enjoy motherhood but i put it down to those early days and his treatment of me. i know men can be insensitive but should i let this go now? Also i dont know if i can there were so many problems in the relationship anyway that this felt like the final straw. Shouldn't he have put my feelings (and our babies health) first?

OP posts:
iamwhaticallpregnant · 27/01/2013 09:00

Hi Matty - not sure if I can help in any big way as haven't been in that situation before. BUT I completely understand why you are upset about it - I don't think you are being unreasonable - in my opinion. If your partner specifically knew that you didn't want people round for that reason (passing on sickness) and still went ahead and brought his ill son around - Yes I would be very upset. The two things that spring to mind though are:

1/Did he have no other choice? Was it 'his turn' to have him and couldn't let him down? Which would show he was a good father

2/Is he concerned that his son will be feeling excluded or worried about the new arrival and is trying to show him he is still part of the family and not excluded? which would show he is a good father

Is your feeling unsupported by others and his family and him down to wanting the same as I would want (as a first time mum to be!) all the attention and support in the world - and from what I can see (I think I have read it correctly) that this is your 3rd child and he has another one too - so maybe people aren't showing as much support as previously (I would hate that).

I can completely understand why you were upset though. I think it's probably more the lack of support and attention and 'prioritising' you feel rather than the sickness issue ? Congrats on your baby by the way :-)

lopsided · 27/01/2013 09:09

I'm sympathetic as this is a hard time and your baby is vulnerable. But regarding the little boy, this is your baby's sibling he cannot and should not be excluded. Try to imagine he is a full sib, would you send him away? I doubt it, you would manage. In 3 yrs time this little baby could be the older one and you will go out of your way to include him or her.

Numberlock · 27/01/2013 10:06

Can you give us some examples of how his family were rude to you?

emblosion · 27/01/2013 12:29

What lopsided said ^

I do understand why you are upset/worried as your baby is so small but I think you're being a bit unfair to your dh's son.

Original poster
mattysmum09 · 29/01/2013 13:40

Number lock my mother and his mother go bak a long way but fell out some years ago before we even got together and now don't speak. It sounds childish but she kept making nasty comments about her and me along the lines of like mother like daughter....not so obvious that anyone noticed but I did. Also blanking me and then when dp came bak from changing lo talking nice as pie! With regards to dp's son it really wouldn't make a difference who it was I would not want anyone with a sickness bug near a newborn baby its common sense to me and wen our house went down with it I kept older siblings wel away from baby. Its not being unkind these bugs which are unpleasant in adults can be lethal in babies. Been feelin quite down at realisation that the reason dp has not acted lovingly towards me is because he doesn't love me. Which is no Surprise really I think we fell out of love some time ago and only stayed together for sake of kids so why I expected him to act like other people's loving partners I don't know!!

OP posts:
pictish · 29/01/2013 13:44

I'm with you on all of it except the part about your dh's son...you were unreasonable about that. You can't expect to just dismiss his existence because it doesn't suit you, whether he has had a tummy bug or not. His son's feelings are equal to yours and the baby's I'm afraid. That will be the case forever.

Original poster
mattysmum09 · 29/01/2013 14:10

His son is 16 so old enough to understand That there was good reason for trying to keep bugs away from baby....

OP posts:
purrpurr · 29/01/2013 14:15

Hi Matty, sounds like there's a lot more to this than meets the eye. I would think the feeling you have that your DH doesn't love you is more important to deal with than the unwanted visit of his son. What makes you feel like that?

iamwhaticallpregnant · 29/01/2013 17:25

ah - he is 16? I assumed he was a young boy. mmm... I think I would be mad if that happened - yes.

Original poster
mattysmum09 · 29/01/2013 21:17

We've admitted it to each other in past arguments that each of us only stays because of the kids and we seem to get closer to splitting with each row as I really don't think this flawed relationship is doing them any good but I just couldn't bare handing them over on wkend's and so it continues.... He has been so cold at times I really don't think there is any love left and I feel a spark of hope wen I think about being free of him except I don't think he wil let us go and I think that is the only reason he even pretends to have any feelings for me is the children....so I don't leave with them.

OP posts:
glossyflower · 31/01/2013 08:41

IMO then if you are not able to make that split then things will never change and you will always be unhappy.
Sometimes staying together for sake of the kids is more harmful than breaking up and having two separate but happy parents.
Xxx

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