Boyfriend sees labour as "a chore" and does not want to be involved.

[mummabug]

We have a healthy loving relationship, and he is a lovely father to our 4 yo DD. At her birth, he caused me a bit of stress by moaning and saying he felt uncomfortable because my mum was there too and he didn't "know what to do" (I was 21 at the time and wanted her there), I screamed at him to shut up and stop being so selfish and when things got into full swing he was fine.

He has a child from a previous relationship and he was at that birth too.

This time around I feel a lot more secure in our relationship, he is a lovely father and this pregnancy has been very positive for me. He is being very open and honest though, and has admitted that he did not bond with our DD until she was a few months old and is worried about that this time. I have reassured him saying I won't pressure him to bond and I understand it can take a couple of months and babies are their 'mother's creatures' in the very beginnings etc.

He has also made it clear if he had the choice he would not be at the birth. He is not squeamish or anything like that, he just sees it as "a chore". I told him it wouldn't be exactly pleasant for me either but that I didn't have a choice, and that I would rather have him there than my mum this time around as I'm more intimate and relaxed with him and..I just want him there! But he says "well at least you're doing something, it's all about you, you're giving birth, there's nothing I can really do I just have to sit there pretending I don't mind rubbing your back". He has ADHD and gets bored very easily, even over Christmas holidays when he is not working he is beside himself with restlessness and boredom by the third day, so I guess that goes some way to explaining it.

But I just can't help thinking everything regarding the birth of this baby is ruined for me - I really want him to be there, but he has made it clear he'd rather not and the whole time I am going to be aware that he is 'suffering' and just going through the motions out of duty. I can take my mum and leave him at home with DD but I think I will always feel very sad that he wasn't there and didn't want to be there. I'm not sure what to do.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Firstly, I don't really have any great advice for you. I do think he's being a bit selfish and you're entitled to be upset, on the surface there is absolutely no reason for him not to be there. From my experience, nagging him or going on about how selfish he is (not saying you are) won't help change his mind only make him more stubborn (perhaps that's just my experience of men!), just try to say 'ok' and get on with it, he might surprise you, or he might not - but really what counts is how he behaves after the baby is born.

I guess I feel he's being selfish because for various reasons my boyfriend can't actually be at the birth however much he may want to. I'll have my mum there but it's not the same really.

Whatever happens I am sure your boyfriend will be a great dad, it is good that he is open and honest with you about his concerns. Perhaps it is something to do with his fears about bonding? Maybe you could talk about that with him because I'm sure if he's worried enough to tell you it could be a part of this.

Hope you get it sorted out and please don't stress about it :)

Hi OP, sorry to hear your pregnancy has taken a little sour turn. I am certain that your boyfriend didn't mean to hurt your feelings, he was just being open and honest - hubby and I have a similar relationship and it has caused a fair bit of upset during pregnancy but I'd still rather that than have him lie to me!

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like he felt like a bit of a spare part last time, probably reinforced by your mum being there and then struggling to bond with the new baby also. To him, the whole idea of birth must seem really daunting and horrid - not to say that it isn't for you, but at least your role is clear and any horribleness will end in you giving birth to a lovely baby. Perhaps, this time round, you could spend some time talking about why you want him there, and come up with ways to make him feel needed - perhaps you could also come up with "his" labour bag, full of things to keep him occupied if he's waiting a long time (you may also want to tell him that second births are usually shorter than the first by about half! so much less waiting around feeling useless!!) My hubby and I are working on a CD of music together that we both like, and have discussed what I'd like him to be doing during different stages of labour... it's helped him feel a lot more reassured about his role and why I need him with me.

Also, it might be a good idea to remind him that although he might not enjoy the experience, he may some day come to regret that he wasn't there to see his new son or daughter arrive into the world.

However, if his feelings will make YOU uncomfortable (whilst already having to deal with having a baby!) perhaps having your mum there is a better idea.

I am sorry for this situation. I can see why you are upset.

However I would much rather not have my Dh at a birth than have him attending under duress. Thats the last thing you need. You dont need worry about him being bored/ moody etc.

In your shoes I'd hire a doula or friend to do the support bit and then maybe get them to call in your partner at last moment so he sees the birth bit.

Good luck x

Can he accept that anything could legitimately be all about you? That his role can occasionally be to support you as needed and put his wishes aside? Must he always have a starring role and focus on his needs being met?

I would be being honest with him about my expectation that a partner cares about their other half as much as themselves and is capable of putting the other person's needs first sometimes. Then discuss how he can arrange things best so he can meet your needs.

Is there anything he can do for his ADHD to help him cope with situations that are not his first choice??

I think id be looking for another birth partner. Your mum again??