Total meltdown just need some handholding

[katesav87]

Hi well I'm 22 weeks pregnant with DC2 and for years I've battled with anxiety and depression. Stupid me thought this would be the perfect time to try and come of my anti depressants as I know u can take them but the risks scared me so felt I needed to at least try. Been doing really well until a couple of weeks ago when obsessive irrational thoughts started to come back and I knew I was going to go down hill from there. Today I've had a total meltdown with work feel so embarressed. Been Down all weekend crying not wanting to leave the house etc and so today I thought I need to see my gp. Went this morning and have given in and gone back on the tablets. A low dose but still worried. I can't go on like this tho its not fair on my husband and its not fair on my DD. drive to work after the docs and couldn't find a parking space and just ended up having a panic attack in the car park and driving home. Now my boss is mad as I didn't call him. I have kept him updated all morning and I just feel like a complete failer. I'm so scared with the way I feel. I've cried non stop this morning. I can't control how I'm feeling and that scares me. I've even convienced myself and now this is were I start to sound mental that wen I convienced my daugther 5 years ago I went to a party and got drunk and had sex with someone without remembering as I always remember my and my hubby laughing thinking we weren't really having sex at the time (to do with my depression low sex drive) it's so irrational thinking seriously 1 I would remember as I remember most of that party and 2 I'm sure something would of been said. And 3 i wiuld bever of gone Ahead with the pregnancy if i thought there was a slight chance!! It's totally and utterly ridiculous but y I can't I stop thinking about it!!! And please I'm not trying to cover for myself I seriously didn't have sex with n e one that night unless I blacked out!!! N e way this is how mad I'm going and it scares me that I can't control these thoughts they've come out of no were after 5 years!! Just need a hug and some friends I feel so lonely right now. Sorry to go on! X

Reading that back makes me feel so crazy!! I seriously can't say enough how much these thoughts r untrue but I think the way I am makes me think things that arnt true or that I'm scared of happening. I sound like a total horrible person I'm not I would never sleep with n e one else I love my husband unconditionally I just don't understand we're these thoughts have spiralled from. I think it's the fact that we weren't having alot of sex at the time of conceiving our daughter so In my head I've found a totally coinsidante event and thought hmm wat if. X

kate - So sorry you are going through all of this. You need help and support, and it's great that you recognise this and have been to your GP. All medication in pg carries some risks but many women have conditions that require them to take medication throughout pg and you can't put your own health and wellbeing at risk. There's loads of great organisations that can provide advice and support to help you, give one of them a call www.bbc.co.uk/health/support/mental_health_emotional_usefulcontacts_index.shtml

It doesn't make you a bad mum, but you need to prioritise your mental health for the sake of yourself and your DD, as well as your relationship with your husband. Put yourself first and look after yourself. Hope you are able to get some good advice and support

Thank you little I will have a look. I'm giving the tablets another go they outweigh the cons and I need to be fit and strong for wen my DS arrives. I never ever have had thoughts and feelings like this before so I'm scared as to how powerful the mind can be. I just can't control them. They make no sense and I think I may have OCD with them as have read up on that this morning. My husband is so supportive I can't even begin to explain how lucky I am to have him he's my rock and that's y I need to get myself sorted now so I can be his wife again and be my DD mum as she deserves me well. X

That's great kate - I really recommend Mind. www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area

I work with kids and parents, and a lot of the mums I work with have had mental health issues during their pregnancy or after the baby has been born, and although I come at things from a community development rather than a medical background, I can definitely say that ladies who do get the help and support they need make great recoveries. Best of luck with the rest of your pg x

Your not going mad! I understand I really do. I'm 18 wks and have been on ads for a year in april.
My head popped a year ago yesterday and it was exactly like you describe.

It happened for a whole host of reasons but I decided I needed help as it continued to get worse not better.

Anti depressants in pregnancy are very low risk and I along with my gp decided it was better for me and my family to keep on them especially as I have a history of miscarriage and problem pregnancies.

You need to relax as best as possible. Keep telling yourself they are just thoughts and try to lower your emotional arousal. It's a long tough road but it is possible!

Well done for getting help, it shows you still have and want some control. It is now your good friends and family become invaluable to you

This may be premature but is there anything you can focus on for your future such as your babies room or preparing your home. I find it helps enormously to find a project which is focusing on a nice aspect of the future and use it when you can to give your head a rest from the thoughts

That's a good idea cupcake thank u for ur comment I'm glad I'm not alone I just want all the negative thoughts and moods to go away I end up looking at pics of my dd and my husband and making sure they look alike and googling things and it makes me worse. There's no need for it she is his I know this deep down she looks like him and everyone says this. I just can't convience my mind this!! Or maybe that's the problem cos I'm trying to convience myself my mind thinks oh well something must of happened and I'm covering it up! How ridiculous do I sound I scare myself sometimes. It's stupid!! I'm gonna hope my anti d's kick in soon and try and plan his room to take my mind off things. I also convinced myself I was seriously ill with a brain tumour once so I know I can make things up in my head. Just don't want to feel alone. X

Another one on ad's here - I know exactly where you're coming from with the irrational thoughts too. It sucks & I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You're not alone

You make perfect sense to me! I also start to think things that aren't true/unlikely to happen etc. I'm very very good at freakish myself out and the hormones are seriously unhelpful as they just add to the lack of control and emotional instability.

Step away from google, you will drive yourself insane. A bit of hard logical head talk is needed. It doesn't always work but remember its just the illness talking not you and tell it to bugger off because your not playing anymore. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

Try to limit stress and tiredness, eat as well as you can. Surround yourself with support and keep talking about it if it makes you feel better.

You could google 7-11 breathing to help you through the rough patches. But leave it at that don't start doing other searches. Google can be evil

Hi kate
So sorry you feel like this I suffered from depression since my teens I would go through phases of needing anti depressants but after a few years off them I got pregnant not a conscious thing just happened that way. Anyway the hormones made everything ten times worse my DH quickly got the midwives involved but I refused to see a doctor or take anything for the sake of the baby.
Got worse and worse until I had to start meds but took baby friendly ones and social services and the local mental health team got involved. This sounded scary as I was convinced social services would take my baby away as soon as he was born.
It turned out to be the best thing after years of suffering I finally got the support I needed and got CBT I'm not saying I don't have my down days or irrational thoughts and will be off anti depressants forever but I am pregnant again and have dealt with it a lot better in fact had a lot more to deal with and CBT has helped me cope.
Doesn't mean this is for you but getting people involved who can help you is very important they will prioritise you for your child as your mental health will help you with your child.
You are not a bad mum or a bad person but you have an illness if you were ill with a uti while pregnant you would take pregnancy friendly antibiotics with advice from your doctor this is no different but you need to see a doctor or professional who can give you the right treatment for you good luck and I hope you feel better.

As I said the treatment I recieved while pregnant and for PND has helped me loads and now my mental health is better than is had been for 16 years! X x

Thank u so much for your comments they really help me. I've felt so alone as I'm embarressed by how I feel. I have no reason to be depressed I have a great life but this illness just takes control of me. I've taken my first tablet in like 4 months and its made me feel so sick!! X

Is it sertraline? This tends to be the most popular for pregnancy and as such is what I was put on.

It can make you feel very sick to begin with but for most people it wears off. I find taking it at night the best option for me then I can sleep through the sickness.

Yes it is sertraline! I remember it making me feel sick before but forgot it was this bad. Good idea taking it at night! Baby's been less active today so it's worrying me abit now do u think its just were I've been so stressed. I don't feel him alot n e way and if I do it's right down in my abdomen but feel like its been less today. Xx

Katesav - I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I wrote a similar post to yours a few weeks ago. You are not alone! I came off antidepressants last year, before my pregnancy, and have been seriously considering going back on them. I haven't so far but I'm still not ruling it out. I suffer from bouts of anxiety and OCD-type thoughts too. I had a meltdown a work as they've been painting the office and I felt convinced it would damage my baby and I ended up blurting out I was pregnant at only 5 weeks along and ranting like a crazy person to the facilities manager every time they painted a new bit of the staircase! (I've since had it confirmed the paint is low VOC. I still have moments where I'm not convinced). This adds to the embarrassment of not feeling in control. It's so horrible.

The exhaustion and hormonal changes in pregnancy make everything 10 times worse. Especially if you, like me, have a mind that likes to test you with intrusive thoughts. If I'd known how it would be I probably would have stayed on my anti ds. Now I'm trying therapy but if it doesn't work my doctor has already said she has some pg-approved pills and if I need them, I won't hesitate.

Maybe baby is tired today but you have also been occupied by your head so may not have noticed. I wouldn't worry just yet, have you tried a very cold drink and concentrating on baby?

Just remember its just thoughts that are running away with your rational head. Thoughts although very hard to live with do not mean reality. It's not fact it's the gremlins in your head playing about. Blinking gremlins

I second that Cupcake! Blinking gremlins indeed!! :)

Yes it is gremlins they r so powerful tho scares me!! I'm so glad I'm not alone although wouldn't wish this upon n e one!! It's not nice to live with not knowing wen ur gonna have ur next relapse etc. I used to be such an outgoing person now I'm shy and a recluse lol. I just hope my children don't turn out like me. X