Anyone else terrified following woman's hour bit Tuesday about first 3 months with first baby?

[june2013]

Gah! (First bit of the programme after a long intro)

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01pp56c

I thought it was a really good programme. Truth is, the early days with a newborn can be desperately hard. It's not the case for everyone, but I do think it helps to know you're not alone.

Don't be scared! The key thing to remember is that those early days pass - at the time it can be hard to see beyond the constant feeding/burping/changing/(hopefully)sleeping but everyone gets through it and it gets easier. Plus, all babies are different - some are calm, great sleepers right from the start and others are.....not

would agree that all babies and children are different so dont expect the worst! yes newborn days can be hard, but then so are days with a toddler / a pre schooler etc. all stages can be a 'challenge' but in different ways.
the newborn phase is over so fast - you will look back and wonder where the time went so enjoy it for what it is. it will be fine!

I think part of the problem is that second time around it's not as hard but that's the case in any role you do in life. In my career now - if you'd have asked me to do what I do without a second thought at work these days, I'd have hyperventilated. Learning a new way of life is a learning curve.

And as far as the exhaustion goes - at least you know second time around that it's finite, that it really will pass.

There was a thread on here a few months ago where people were telling an exhausted new mum that looking after a first baby was really easy. It's nonsense. What would be easy would be looking after just the one baby once you're an experienced mum. But it doesn't happen that way around.

Ive not listened yet but recently read a bit of the babycalm book by sarAh orckrell smith in a bookshop. I burst into tears as the book completely described how i felt and i thought i was alone.

I've borrowed a copy from the library . Its great even as a second time mum whose dd is now 14mths . Im buying it as a gift for all new parents now.

Yep - agree with both above ^

Shelley72 - two difficult babies? I'm hoping #2 is going to be an excellent sleeper/all round dream baby to cancel out the non-sleeping screamfest that was ds for the first few weeks - doh!

well I think they were difficult but in different ways - they certainly seemed that way compared to others perfect babies!

DS had colic and screamed the place down daily from 4pm til midnight until he was at least 5 months old. there was just no consoling him. he was my first baby, it was horrible, i ended up with PND. and when he was a little older he could never play independently, he needed you all the time. in fact at 5 he still does this to some extent.

DD has never slept well. she is now nearly 2.7 and i can count on one hand the number of times she has ever slept through the night. she would never be put down, hated being flat and would only settle to sleep on me, upright on my chest, in a sling or through feeding. i fed a lot! we are trying to gradually get out of co sleeping now that the new one is on its way but being met with much resistance. despite being practically permanently attached to me for 2.5 years she is actually a very independent little girl now.

actually thinking back to how they both were as babies i think we must be slightly mad having another!

I actually wish someone could have communicated how hard the first few weeks are, because I felt like I was the only one. I know this doesn't sounds reassuring, but the fact that everyone finds it crazy would have stopped me from getting PND. The real problem isn't really the things you have to do, or the screaming or lack of sleep - it's really the worry with your first. And the guilt... If you remember that everyone feels like that, it'll help in some way.

Yes, v true. I worried so much about getting things 'right' and not feeling like I thiught I was supposed to. But you eventually realise there is no right or wrong way, only your own way, if that makes sense?

It's good to recognise they can be bad but the majority of people have a lovely time in my personal experience. I do remember one day when I cried all day because I couldn't get out of the house. But mostly dd slept and I stayed in pjs reading books and watching films- bliss! My maternity leave was one of the neat times of my life.

My dd was a joy as a newborn. Slept lots. Night waking is hard but I solved it in the end by cosleeping. It was hard to get out of the house though and that was frustrating. Also, I really really struggled with breast feeding. But it was a wonderful time.

Buy yourself a copy of How Mothers Love by Naomi Stadlen. It might not mean much before the birth, but afterwards it is one of those "oh yes, yes, that's exactly how I feel, it's not just me!" reads. It covers all sorts of experiences so I think it quite probably has something for everyone.

No, wait. Not How Mothers Love, that's her second book. Still Good but not the one I meant. What Mothers Do is the really good one. For those moments when you think everyone else must be keeping a tidy house, producing 3 course meals and embarking on a gruelling exercise regime while you ponder exactly how to get out the house.

YES "what mothers do especially when it looks like nothing" !

It is definitely important to remember that everyone's experience is different. You might breeze through the first 3 months, I know plenty of people who did. Personally I had good days and bad days.

One key thing you can do to try and make it as good as possible is to ensure your partner (assuming you have one) helps out properly. It is very easy to slip into "I am mummy and I know how to do it exactly right. You don't and therefore I shall just Do It Myself." Which then becomes self-perpetuating and makes it worse. You don't have to do it all yourself.

Life After Birth by Kate Figes was a revelation for me. DD was not an easy newborn and I thought it was all my fault and I wasn't doing it right! This book stopped me ending up with PND. No matter how lovely mum's with easy newborns are, there is nothing worse than hearing about how easy they are finding it all in the early days - I always felt inadequate. Now I know they were just lucky.

I heard it and it brought back all the memories. In other words it was all true.

Some women put/find a lot of pressure on themselves in the early days too - to have the baby sleeping in it's basket, going several hours between feeds, to be able to put the baby down or have free time when it naps, not to feed to sleep or rock/cuddle the baby to sleep... Basically most newborns won't do any of these things and trying to get them too is pretty miserable (thanks for that Baby Whisperer!).

I think if you can accept that for the first few weeks you need to feed the baby at every squeak, do whatever works to get it to sleep, bring it into your bed, spend a lot of time on the sofa holding your baby and watching TV, then there isn't such a gulf between expectations and reality, and you can enjoy what you have a little more.

Echo the last post, my experience with dc1 was hard largely because I put myself under huge pressure to get it right and stupidly read books instead of listening to my mum who basically advocated lots of holding and cuddling. Dc2 had colic and that really was awful ,all rules abandoned for him anything to stop him crying! It made me realise that I should have appreciated it more the first time.
Also early days are not an indication of character, dc2 after colic was and is an absolute dream!