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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

how to tell them???

19 replies

mrsR1991 · 10/01/2013 08:39

hi i am 10 weeks pregnant with my second baby. we are really happy about it obviously as we decided to try etc but the problem is we have no idea how to tell my partners brother and hos wife as they have been trying since may with no luck at all! they have a doc appointment today to see what help they can get but we just have no idea how to tell them as we got pregnant straight away... we told them we would try in the new year but we started trying early.. please help guys what is the best way to tell them? dont want them to resent us in any way :-/ xx

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cupcake78 · 10/01/2013 09:20

If you can tell them on there own, face to face and before it becomes public knowledge!

You can't stop them from being upset and there is no easy way to do. If you respect there feelings and appreciate any sadness will be for them not for you. They may need time to get used to the idea?

TinkyPeet · 10/01/2013 09:25

It's a tough one, similar to us, dh's cousin has been trying for about 5 years with no luck, had all sorts I tests done and was going to go for ivf but decided not to, in this time I have had dd, told her first sensitively that I was pregnant, it was a bit upsetting for her but she said she accepted that nobody is going to stop trying just because she is having problems and everything was fine (I suspect she had a little cry later).
However, I am pregnant again and this time she just won't speak to me, at all, which is rather annoying because its not like it's my fault she is having trouble! (Ranting, sorry)
Perhaps go out for lunch with her and tell her gently? X

LaCiccolina · 10/01/2013 09:55

Tell them quick and matter of factly. Don't let them be told by someone else. They might be sad, for them, but will be happy for u. Don't pussy foot or be weird. That would understandably irritate. Try not to assume too much of what they might think, u really don't know, no matter how well u know a person.

june2013 · 10/01/2013 10:09

I had a similar problem - there's a great thread on the TTC forum about annoying things people have said to those TTC. It helped me figure out how to tell a very close friend who has been trying for a while...

Good luck!

Daisy299 · 10/01/2013 12:22

Similar situation here. I had to be very careful (for reasons I don't want to go into on a public board).

I would suggest telling them as early as you can, and give them time to react privately with no pressure. Use the phone as it gives people space to 'hide' their emotions if they're upset.

Make sure you break the news to them directly (i.e. they don't find out from someone else).

Maintain gentle contact via email and try to talk about other things.

I know people who have struggled to have kids. They've broken down in tears every time they've seen a pregnant woman in the supermarket. Expect her to be upset and please don't be angry if she prefers to keep her distance while the dust settles.

MahnaMahna · 10/01/2013 14:04

DH and I struggled to get pregnant with DD. My friend got pregnant and she told me straight away, face-to-face. She admitted they had managed to get pregnant after only trying for a month and I really respected her honesty. It upset me slightly, but ultimately I was happy for her because she is my friend. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, and now our DDs are little friends.

I think you should just go for a face-to-face chat, then give them space to come to terms with it. You obviously care about them, and they will see that eventually xx

GaryBuseysTeeth · 10/01/2013 15:58

I would email Dbro.
That way if either of them want to cry or be angry about the unfairness of it all they can do it without you seeing/having to wait, basically what Daisy said!

Congratulations x

highlove · 10/01/2013 16:06

As someone who's been trying a few years with just a miscarriage to show for it, I'd recommend doing it before you announce publicly. And do it by phone so they can escape to have a cry if needs be. Definitely not in public. Sorry but disagree hugely with advice above about taking them to lunch - I personally can't imagine anything worse.

Be straight about it, don't say 'this is really hard for me' or anything like that. They will be happy for you but they will also be sad for themselves. Bear with them if they take a while to be ok with it. But equally don't let it spoil your happy time - its kind of you to be be sensitive about it but you also deserve to be really happy about it - and they will understand that even if they are desperately sad themselves.

Congrats and hope its a good pregnancy.

shelley72 · 10/01/2013 16:48

I would echo what others have said - tell them before someone else does, and also not face to face or in public as there is nothing worse than having to put on a brave fact when all you want to do is run off and cry. and then, take the lead from them - ie if they want to talk about the pregnancy and they bring up the subject then answer, but if not just talk about non pg related things.
congratulations btw!

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 10/01/2013 16:51

I agree with most of this ^^ but not the taking then to lunch.

And theres no need to tell the how far along you are or how quick it was. Just tell then you are pg in the kindest way you can.

MyFriendGoo · 10/01/2013 17:00

Experience similar to Mahna close friends took time to tell my husband and I personally, which we really appreciated after 18 months of trying. Happily we got to tell them at the same time that we were expecting and both our boys are due in May. Be honest and make sure they don't hear second hand, and be as patient as you can. These things often upsetting regardless of how happy you are for the parents to be. The fact that you're seeking advice on how best to broach it shows you care. Good luck.

worsestershiresauce · 10/01/2013 17:17

However you choose to do it, wait until after your 12 week scan. They won't need the added pressure of hand holding you if the worst happens.

Be prepared for them to totally blank you for ages whilst they come to terms with it. My SIL has just had a mmc, and is now 'ill' every time she would otherwise have to see me at family events. She's not ill, she just can't cope with my rather obvious bump, and I sympathise with her.

FoofFighter · 10/01/2013 17:19

Def not face to face.

They will be happy for you but also sad for themselves and may need a wee bit of time to digest the news, try to not turn into a babybore around them unless it's kind of led by them.

elliejjtiny · 10/01/2013 20:54

I've been on both sides of this as my sister got pregnant very soon after my miscarriage and now I'm pregnant by accident and at some point need to tell my friend who has been trying for 2 years and struggling with secondary infertility and another friend who has been trying for a similar amount of time and has got pregnant 6 times but miscarried them all.

I think over the phone or by email is best and you need to say to them that you appreciate that it will be hard for them. My sister just did the guess what, I'm pregnant thing without mentioning my baby at all which really hurt.

Original poster

mrsR1991 · 11/01/2013 13:18

thanks for all the advice. i will text them both i think. i really care about them both and i know they will probs need some time to deal with it. im also really down at the mo as my best friend has told me she doesnt want to see the scan photos because she has been told she may not be able to have any more children. she has a daughter already but when she told me i was obviously really upset for her and id just found out i was pregnant. i was annoyed and very upset when she said she didnt want to see my scan photos because i saw hers when i had just been through a miscarriage :( what with my partners brother and wife and now my best friend i feel like i cant fully enjoy being pregnant. should i wait till my scan on the 24th to tell them by the way or tell them before? xx

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Emsyboo · 11/01/2013 13:31

I emailed my friend but before it was announced so she had time to come to terms privately don't know if maybe I should have done it face to face but if she was sad or upset she dealt with it privately and has been nothing but happy and supportive to me.
I am sure it must be so hard for people but in my experience most people have just been happy in public and kept their own emotions private or with other friends.
I appreciate not all people react this way x

Original poster

mrsR1991 · 11/01/2013 13:35

i think i should do it via text as then like you said they can react how they want and not feel they have to put a brave face on for me and my partner as i dont want them to pretend to be happy. its going to be hard for them to hear n im dreading it so much. i will def tell them before making it public knowledge but dont know whether to do it before or after my scan which is on the 24th xx

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sundaesundae · 11/01/2013 13:41

Wait till post scan, then I agree, tell by email, text or phone, not ftf or with others pregnant. Wait till a good day or time of day too, if you can. Congratulations, don't let these people stop you enjoying pregnancy, but just appreciate what you have xx

Original poster

mrsR1991 · 11/01/2013 13:47

sundaesundae thanks i will do that :) xx

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