"Was it planned?" and other stupid questions people ask...

[june2013]

It really took me off guard this morning when I told my colleague (currently only working with a director and her, administrator starts in 2 weeks). Her FIRST comment, the very FIRST: Wow, was it planned??

It might be because I am doing a PhD so surprises people that I might want to be pregnant, but still. Are they asking if a condom broke? If my contraception didn't work or if I was so stupid as to decide to get pregnant now? How much detail about my sex life are they looking for? It makes me feel really uncomfortable because there's obviously a value judgement attached to whatever answer I give. If she had asked if I was happy, that would be different. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I didn't know how to respond, "errr, well, hmmm,.... you know...." and she waited and waited for a response!

I have a feeling this is going to happen again, any suggestions - including wise ass retorts - would be awesome!

I know it's just one of many inappropriate questions yet to come, but I'd like to build up an arsenal of responses! Any other stupid questions you keep being asked and have good answers for are also welcome!!

dash - love that! Although at least you were asked by drugged up teenagers if you knew who the father, not a colleague (unlike me)

Yes, you expect to hear teenagers on drugs talking crap- grown ups in offices less so.

I find 'was it planned' very rude, it's the same as saying 'was it an accident' and is nobodys business, an accident is usually something you don't want or regret and what child wants to think they were either of those?

I've been asked it a few times despite the fact I'm in my 30's and been married for 4 years.

On the other hand I've had lots of people be genuinely thrilled and given me congratulations and a hug.

On announcing I was expecting dc2 from my mother of all people. I got oh no how could you?!?

Dd1 was 9 mo when I fell pg with dd2. Yes it was a surprise. But a mistake? Never. We struggled for 3 years ttc dd1 and ended up on clomid. A fact I didn't share with dm... So whilst earlier than expected we were overjoyed to fall pg totally naturally....

My dh had very very stern words with her. Along the lines of she needs your support not your censure!! Closest they've ever come to a fall out. Dm quickly saw sense. Never forget that initial reaction though. Dds are 13 and 11 now.

All should engage brain before mouth. Particularly when addressing hormonal women! Especially if you know your view matters to the person you are talking to!

Oh my god this literally happend to me today. It was my first day back at work after being signed off for 6 wks with HG.

A colleague who isn't even usually based in our office just outright asked me if it was planned and then asked how long me and my partner had been together?! I was like....erm 6 years and we already have a three year old!!
Tbh if it was someone i was a bit friendlier with in the office i wouldn't have minded so much. But if she knows me so little to not even know i already have a son, she doesn't know me well enough to ask such a personal and also irrelevant question. Honestly!
Sorry. Had kept that on my chest all day!rant over!

The first thing my mum asked was "have you had your coil out?". Everyone asks if this baby was planned because it's DC4. The one we haven't had this time is the one about getting a better TV.

Ooops, I'm afraid I did actually ask "was it planned" once before. The girl was someone I considered to me one of my closest friends and, during our repeated "to have kids or not" talks, she had said time and again that she couldn't imagine having to share her DH with a baby, and really didn't fancy the idea at all. I was just interested in whether she had done a u-turn and why. I guess part of me felt hurt she couldn't confess to TTC before, like she was worried I might have judged her or disapproved.

It might not have been that purplefairies. Lots of people don't want to announce (to anyone, even best friends) that they're trying to conceive. I know I didn't. Even if they don't ask you whether you've been successful you know it's something in the back of their mind and (again, if you're like me...) every month you don't have an announcement you feel a little bit of a let down. At least if you don't say what's going on people don't know if you're trying or not.

Ha - ISee, some people say the most amazing things!!

Purple - I tend to think that close friends asking me is not a problem. It's part of a conversation about me and my life and I am happy that it's something I can share with friends. I find it annoying when it's strangers or work colleagues I don't usually discuss personal stuff with.

weeblueberry, you're right, I just never really thought of it at the time, I guess it was a silly reaction on my part. 2 friends do actually know I'm TTC now, and I'm starting to regret it. They are both nearing the end of their pregnancies and I can see one in particular eyeing my stomach every time we meet up. I end up ordering alcoholic drinks more often than I want to so that she "gets the message" early on in the evening :(

June2013, I see what you mean about work colleagues. I have one that keeps telling me my DH has to "get a move on" and recently joked, at a work night out and at a table full of people from my department, that we'd "better get down to DTD" during our impending holiday so that I'd have something to announce in the New Year.
I was mortified!!!

Oh God, my own Mum asked me the very same question OP! Quickly followed by "I think you're mad" . What do you say? I blurted out, well we always wanted four and anyway I love children. Crap, I know, but I really wasn't expecting my Mum to react like that. Still haven't decided what a good response would have been.

First thing my boss asked me was if I was planning on returning to work after mat leave . Then my supervisor said well if your happy about it then I guess congratulations .

Alittlebit my (phd) supervisor said 'well let's not tell the funders because they'll think you did it on purpose to get more money out of them'. She also told me her only experience of a pregnancy PhD student didn't go well cos the student didn't return to her PhD. When I told her I intended to return full time after 6 months (I've already applied for nursery) she said, yes well we'll see, lots of things can happen and change your decision. I won't go on, I've already ranted about this on the PhD thread...

A colleague at work who asked the 'was it planned' question. We were around a table with one other person and when he asked me my colleague chipped in and said 'what a rude thing to ask'. The first guy went bright red with embarrassment, I felt really sorry for him but was glad someone had pointed out it was a bit of a strange question.

I dont think it was meant in a harmful way - just not thought through!

My favourite pregnancy related question so far has to be 'you are really big, are you sure it isn't twins?' This is after both the 12 and 20 week scans, so yes, I am sure! Was very sorely tempted to tell the third person who asked to f* right off, but it was my mum... And I have put on a normal amount of weight and was not overweight before getting pregnant, arggh!

Wait until you announce pg number 6!!

One person, when told dh and I were getting married said "Why? Are you pregnant?"

jojo - not sure if you saw my post above, but someone asked me the other day if I was having triplets!!! I'm having just the one thank you.

Haven't read whole thread but I was asked this a few times and I did actually find it quite offensive and rude for exactly the reasons sheeplikesleep said.

You could try the MN retort of " did you mean to be so rude?"

When I got pregnant for the first time ... totally unplanned ... my husband spluttered "how did this happen?"

My friend and her husband announced there pregnancy to her parents over dinner and when they asked this, quick as a flash hr hubby replied ' no, not planned, but X is just a really heavy sleeper'! Queue awkward silence followed by hysterical laughter!! Still smiling at this one!!

When they asked if the baby was planned reply 'Yes, were yours? it usually hits them then about silly their question was :)

Well I got asked at the checkout if my dds (17 months apart) had the same father!! One had fair hair and the other dark, was too stunned to think of any sort of response!