Morning all!
l'm really sorry - but the last couple of days have been very emotional and 'dramatic' so I didn't want to keep posting constant updates due to the uncertainty of it all. This is a cut and paste of something that I wrote in another forum as it's rather long. at the time I was so upset I actually asked for advice from 3 different internet sources - so forgive me.
I thought I'd let people know the (as far as I know) final conclusion just in case anyone else finds themselves in the same predicament. I sincerely hope that this never happens to anyone. Anyone.
The upshot is, that when 'friend' woke up the next day it was obvious she has no clue what had happened. She was quite cheery, said good morning and asked how pissed she got. I had to ask, "So you don't remember trying to get off with my boyfriend then?". She was mortified and after a lot of tissues and hand wringing it was very clear she genuinely did not remember a thing. She begged me to tell her everything, so I did. Very calmly and very honestly. I didn't shout, and I didn't lose my composure I was just very gentle with her. I made it clear that I was very upset, and yes - I then told her that I am pregnant. After a lot more tissue use, wailing and the wringing of hands I managed to calm her down and I suggested to her that perhaps she wasn't handling her split from her fiance as well as she thought. She panicked and asked how far things went and I had to be honest and tell her that I honestly didn't know as I only came downstairs when the noises got too much/suspicious. But then I actually surprised myself and said that clothes has stayed on and she could trust my Boyf as he wouldn't have done 'that'. More on that later - for those who are 'WTF' about the last comment.
I let her know that she was so pissed she couldn't even talk, but it still didn't 'make it alright'. I told her it was clear she was in a bad place for her to do that and she was lucky that she had got so pissed in the my house and with a man who wouldn't take too much of an advantage. One the one hand she really hurt me and it was a terrible thing to do/try but also - it was an incredibly dangerous thing to do/try. Anything would have happened with other people and not a court in the land would convict me if I had dragged her outside and kick the living f*ck out of her. Needless to say her reaction etc and the fact she came to see me in my office yesterday at work (yes - brave woman) means I'm convinced there was no 'real intent' on her part. I know... I'm not being a martyr, I just see there's no sense in dragging the situation out more than I have to. As far as I'm concerned, me and her are OK now. I am concerned for her - she knows she's a bit screwed in the head now - but I'm resolved to help her as much as I can, if I'm required. And she knows this.
Boyf - different matter. I may have mentioned this before but Boyf is on the Asperger's spectrum. It's very slight, almost inperceptable but living with him for 7 years means that things are, well, very obvious. He has a problem with women in that he cannot 'read' them properly. He's a good looking man and also (not unusual for an Aspie) very 'innocent'. He's very friendly, open and genuine. For example, he go up to people in the supermarket and tell them that he likes their hair/coat/cardigan. All 3 has happened by the way. At the time I have to be on 'stand-by' just in case someone thinks he's taking the piss and slaps him, but he's got such an open and honest face that people (men and women) usually do a 'double-take' and realise, actually, that he's not.
Women feel very safe with him as he's very attentive without being sleazy. he's sort of like a 4 year old trapped in the body of a grown man. Just imagine a fluffy alsatian puppy, but in an Army uniform. He can make you feel like you the only person in the world and so he always has a lot of female interest. In our early years it used to upset me, but then I got used to it as I knew I could always trust him (hence leaving him alone with drunk friend that night).
He says he honestly doesn't remember what happened and so he doesn't know if he did anything wrong. I told him that getting that drunk with an emotionally damaged woman who was totally drunk herself was the wrong thing to do. He didn't understand why (and still doesn't really, bless him) but he's immediately self-imposed a drinking ban on himself when he's in the company of women and also there's a no wrestling, hugging, poking or tickling policy in place now unless I'm in the room and I say it's OK. He's still unsure of why it's bad to do any of the latter as he still doesn't quite 'get' how some women (even if very drunk) can get 'confused' if he starts playing around like that, but he (says) he really doesn't want anything like that to happen again. Initially he was very angry at my friend for breaking HIS trust (yep - I know... Asperger's remember... sometimes I forget too) and I'm trying to get him to see what his responsibilities were too in that situation. He's coming around to the idea that perhaps it's wrong to put yourself in those positions in the first place, but it's a slow process with no real quick fixes.
It's been a very tough couple of days. I've been crying and shouting at him a lot. I packed my bags a couple of times too and my ms and other symptoms have completely gone
I can't change his perception of his culpability overnight, but at least he knows that what he did (or didn't do) hurt me very badly and so was wrong (even though he's still trying to figure it all out).
We're actually having the booking in appointment today so I'm going to chat to the midwife about getting scanned sooner rather than later. I may let her know I've had a bit of shocker. I'm still a bit 'shaky' about it all but I'm really glad I didn't lose my temper and I'm so glad I kept my dignity.
For me - I think this is an episode that is hopefully over. There are a couple of things with boyf, but I know he's trying to get his head around what he did and how it happened.
I'm not saying that I will never bring this up again in a future argument with him, nor am I naive enough to think that my relationships with either of them won't take time to get 'back to normal' (if they ever do), but I can hold my head up high and say I was reasonable.
I think (if there is a one) the moral of the story is to stay calm and focused. I can't really say anymore than that. I would like to thank everyone on this thread for helping me through this and keeping my head screwed on. Your support has been invaluable. Yes - I haven't followed everyone's advice on here, but your outrage on my behalf helped me focus as it was reassurance that it wasn't 'just me'. You can target and control 'righteous anger' more than just sheer apoplectic rage. Writing it all down really helped and having people read it and offer support was overwhelming.
Thankyou all again. I hope you all have happy and healthy pregnancies and that 2013 is an epic year for you.
fatandlumpy (and grateful!)