Struggling to bond after suspected miscarriage

[MummytoKatie]

I'm nearly 19 weeks pregnant with dc2. Back when I was about 6 weeks I started bleeding. Went for a scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat. However, I was still (just) within the limits of where a miscarriage is not confirmed from the size of the sac so I was sent home or two weeks and warned that I'd probably miscarry during that time.

I didn't and the bleeding stopped so I went back two weeks later. During the two weeks I went through the full cycle of denial, anger, grief, resignation and acceptance and grieved for the lost baby.

And then we went back and there was a little blob with a heartbeat there. Which is now a proper little bump and everything is doing fine. No reason whatsoever to think anything will go wrong.

But I seem to be stuck in the place that I was when it first started going wrong. In my mind the baby is known as "poor doomed baby" and every day I wonder if today is the day I miscarry. I don't feel anything but fear for when will I lose it. And because I convinced myself during the two week wait that one child is enough for us and we are lucky to have her even when I do think about having the baby I can't think of anything positive about it.

It was a very planned, very wanted baby and we were so happy when we found out I was pregnant. And we are ridiculously lucky that the baby is ok. I should be so happy. But I'm not. I'm just scared.

Feel exactly the same. Slightly different, had bleed at 9 weeks, all ok. At 12 week scan was suggested I had cvs/amnio. Spent next 3-4 weeks grieving this baby as was given very little hope by hospital. Just received out final results and all is well. I think after extreme anxiety/stress it will be hard to bond. I too think what else can go wrong! I find it wierd telling people I'm pregnant and feel they are all more excited than me! Am trying to relax and enjoy but it's hard. Have stated trying to do done hypno birthing relaxation where you put your hand on your tummy and breathe down to baby...

Hi Massagegirl. Thanks for your message. Sorry to hear that you've had a rough time of it too. How far along are you? Totally relate to the telling people and them being more excited than me. I often have a sort of out of body experience when I'm talking about it and I can almost see this blonde girl with a little bump talking happily about her future baby but I know that deep down she is just pretending.

The hypnobirthing sounds like an idea. I think I'll give it a go.

I remember going to soft play on the Friday before it started going wrong (started bleeding on the Monday) with dd, a friend, her toddler and her baby. She took her toddler to the toilet while I watched dd and held her baby. It felt so right to be holding a baby again and I just had that (really rare) feeling where you know your life is going in just the right direction. I really want to be that person again. Another friend is due with her second this week so I'm hoping that seeing her baby might help.

Hi there, i think its perfectly normal to feel this way.

I had planned to have a ERPC on the Saturday following my scan on the Wednesday so that no one would know.

BUT there it was. Heart beat and baby.

So i thought i would just go as soon as it goes wrong...which would be any day soon really.

Ok, now i am nearly 36 weeks, and gues what...all is fine.

Kicking and wriggling, with weekly scans from 7 weeks till 13 weeks for reassurance, i am now kinda forced to accept this is really happening

I am having a baby to keep at long last.

FWiW i have no doubt in my mind that when i meet this baby in 3 weeks, there will be absolutely no issue with bonding, none at all.

Ah you poor thing - I had similar although not as bad with my DS.

Have you got your 20 week scan coming up? Do you think you could use that to help reassure you - could you find out the gender of the baby? I did and it really helped me connect with the idea that I was going to have a little boy, rather than this 'baby' who I'd thought I'd lost but then I hadn't.

Out of body experience reminds me of how I felt. I had a mc and then found out the reason I didn't have another period was because I was pg again. I'd just lost my dad and basically was per natally depressed. Could you be depressed?

For me I really started to worry that this feeling won't go away when I had the baby, that I won't feel a thing and wouldn't be able to take care of it. Well I can assure you that this wasn't the case, it wasn't instant but it was very quick.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm nearly 20 weeks after 2 m/c. I have felt extremely dissociated from this pregnancy & have struggled throughout. I think it's a normal reaction after m/c & is borne out of self-protection & fear. The fear never goes away - I still knicker-check!!!

However, I am gradually getting there. What has helped me is: fortnightly scans in 1st trimester, finding out gender from amnio, asking midwife to check heartbeat at every appointment from 16 weeks, nick-naming baby. Feeling daily movement is also helping.

I'm still too scared to buy baby clothes etc. But I do know that I will love this baby when she comes.

My only advice would to be to take it 1 day at a time & don't expect too much of yourself in terms of bonding.

Crossing everything for you xx

I am the same
Im now 11 weeks pregnant after suffering three miscarriages. 2 at 11 weeks. This week is horrendous as you can imagine. Im not coping swell at all and im scared to enjoy my pregnancy. Its awful and i sympathise with you. Xx

It's just (undertsandable) anxiety and you will be fine when s/he is here.

When I was pg with my dd I had an absolutely massive bleed at 16 weeks, went to A&E who told me I had certainly miscarried.

They sent me up to the O&G ward about an hour later where a midwife listened, found a heartbeat and said all seemed to be fine- bedrest for a couple of days. I had exactly that 'waiting for the day I would miscarry' feeling- but once she was born I forgot all about it.

I think its a defence mechanism because we know how distraught we would be to miscarry and so it's almost as if your mind prepares for the worst.

I'm sure all will be well but I have everything crossed for you x

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to me. Sorry I'm so long in replying - I had a few days where I really struggled and just couldn't quite bring myself to post.

For all of you in the same boat I'm thinking of you and hoping you are all doing ok.

I'm nearly 21 weeks now and have my 20 week scan on Wednesday. mrscog We've decided to find out the sex. Dh wanted to anyway and I've been convinced. Hopefully it will help the baby feel more real - especially if we can come up with a name!

loves I was shocked when you asked about being depressed - my first thought was "I can't be depressed - I have nothing to be depressed about!" but then realised I'd missed the point. I don't think I am - not properly anyway - but I have been very scared for a long time and I think I need to accept that that is going to have an impact on me.

On the bright side though I can now feel the baby moving a bit which means that although I'm still worried I have regular little reassurances (usually on my bladder!) which are helping. I'm also getting bigger which also helps.

Generally everything feels better than it did 2 weeks ago although I don't think I'll really relax until he/she is here.

Thanks again everyone - I'm really grateful for your advice.

Hope the scan helps. Although if it doesn't don't use that to beat yourself up. For me it was totally a medical scan and in no way exciting or emotional like with dd.

Glad you do not think you a pre natally depressed. But maybe mention it to do just in case.

Just wanted to update on this as everyone was so kind earlier this year.

Our beautiful little boy was born on Sunday 26th May. He is perfect and completely healthy. I slowly but surely found things easier for the last few months of my pregnancy although I never completely relaxed.

All my doubts and fears evaporated as soon as they gave him to me.

Our family is now complete.

Just want to thank you all again for the kind words.

Awh congratulations to you both (and your beautiful son).

What a lovely update!

Congratulations!

I'm glad your story had a happy ending. Congratulations on the safe arrival of your son