Feeling very ambivalent & unable to look forward.

[ArkadyRose]

Currently I'm approaching 10 weeks pg with number 4. I've had 3 mc in the past, the first of which was 14 years ago; an mmc at 10 weeks on Christmas Eve, of all days.

So here we are rolling up to Christmas and I am again pregnant - and going to be 10 weeks at Christmas. And right now I'm feeling very ambivalent about the whole thing; part of me seems to be practically expecting to lose this one the way I did that one, even though I had very little by way of symptoms with any of the ones I lost but with this one I've been getting ms right from the moment I wake up, I've been putting on weight & bloating like anything, boobs trying to rival zepplins for size - the works. I should be feeling reassured and able to look forward to this one - but I'm not.

We've lost quite a few on the July 2013 thread to mmc, and I just can't shake this feeling I'm next. OH doesn't really understand, as he and I weren't together when I had my first mc so he doesn't understand just how serious it all was (trip to hospital in an ambulance, emergency D&C to stem serious haemorrhage, needed a blood transfusion etc) and that part of me has never really entirely gotten over it.

Not sure really what I'm looking for here, except maybe just understanding from others who've had the same & won't just dismiss it out of hand as "you'll be OK". I just want to get past Christmas safely and get to my 12-week scan in Jan. I don't think I'll be able to really let myself believe there's anything there until I see it for myself at the scan and know it's past the most dangerous point.

Hi Arkady, I think considering all that you've been through how you are feeling is totally normal. Especially with the time of year, its bound to bring back all those memories.

I would say try not to let it become an all consuming worry, easy to say I know. I was horribly, irrationally anxious about losing the baby when I was pregnant with my ds, my best friend had a similar experience to yours, where she nearly died and I was utterly convinced going into my scan that my baby would have died too. Thankfully he was ok.

I thought I had more of a handle on it this time, but after the losses on the July thread I can feel the anxiety coming back. Something that helps me is to think a) the chances are good that everything is ok and b) if its not there is nothing I can do about it, its in the lap of the gods! (scan next thurs).

I think feeling a bit detached & ambivalent is basically self preservation? & if (as is likely) everything is fine you've got the remaining 6 months to get excited and start to believe its really happening.

Ohhh, sorry for the essay, hope it helps a bit though.

I think it's very normal to feel this way considering what you've been though, especially at this time if the year.
I've only had one loss, between my DS and this pg, but I struggled to feel attached to this pg until I'd had all my scans and could feel some strong kicks. Helped finding out the sex for me, made me feel much closer to her. 24+2 now.
I'm assuming that you don't have any dc yet, which makes it much harder I think. A 2 year old DS has been a fab distraction and kept me sane, if exhausted!
A very sensible friend told me with my first to just embrace the worry. You'll worry til your first scan, then til your next, then you'll worry about prem delivery, then whether the birth will be ok, then whether they'll keep breathing at night in their cot, then why they haven't smiled yet, and later there's eating well, school, bullying, whether they have friends, the list is endless.... She said you can't stop the worry but you can stop it affecting how you live. It helped me a lot and hope it helps you.
No one can tell you it'll be fine, but it's far far more likely to be fine than not. For today you are pregnant, hold onto that and try to enjoy Christmas. All the very best wishes for an uneventful pregnancy.

Tinsel Thanks; this isn't my first - I have 3 girls already, aged 20, 18 and 5, and the youngest certainly keeps me pretty busy! Unfortunately mc does run in the family; it seems to be a 50-50 chance with each pg. I've not been as unfortunate as my mother (10 mc before she had 4 kids, of whom I'm the eldest) or my youngest sister (8 mc, 3 dds), thankfully. I'm not getting any younger though; I'm 40 next week, so age is probably adding to the possible things that can go wrong. I know from past experience that once it gets past the 12-week scan OK, it will mostly be plain sailing after that - the ones that have stuck have been very straightforward pg and births. It's just the getting to that point.

emblosion Thanks, I don't mind the essay-length - I'm not sure if the July thread is being particularly unfortunate or it only seems that way. I suppose when you consider how many of us are on it then statistically we're going to lose quite a few. We've deliberately not told DD3 (5) about it yet because it will make things much simpler if worst does come to worst, but it does help being able to post here and know there are others who understand what this feels like.

I know exactly how you feel - I'm on the July thread too. I had a mmc at 17 and a "normal" mc at 18. Am now 11 + 2 at the grand old age of 24 :-)

I haven't carried to full term yet and am very nervous. Like you I had no symptoms with my previous pregnancies and have felt appalling since day 1 of finding out with this little one. I also had a bit of bleeding which scared the shit out of me but have now had two reassuring scans showing a little heart beating away.

I have decided to start hoping that this one will make it - and I think you should too. I know it's easier said than done but my husband was worried by my negativity before I've made a conscious effort to plan for the baby and talk about it coming as confidently as possible. It's working and I know believe it myself

I can see that the symmetry of being 10 weeks at Christmas again is scary but I like to see it as fate taking an opportunity to right a wrong. Nothing will happen to this little one! I had my scan after my bleed in the same scanning room as I was told I miscarried 6 years ago - I thought that was a sign it was all over but it wasn't!!

Sorry for waffling. Have some unmumsnetty hugs!

Hi Arkady, I'm on the July thread with you and yes unfortunately there has been a lot of very sad news. I've been pregnant three times in the last year though and joined threads each time and every time it's been the same, so if I can reassure you there, it's sad, but normal. Personally, I blame early testing. These days we find out we're pregnant and start making plans sometimes even before we've missed a period... in years gone by women would need to miss two before they would even be seen by the doctor. Of course there were still just as many early losses, just that they weren't so assumed to be confirmed pregnancies in the first place, IYSWIM.

After my miscarriages (one was a MMC just before Christmas last year, so I know exactly what you're going through) I did a lot of research and unfortunately, at my age (40) and with my history, there actually is a 50/50 chance of M/C. That's harsh, but I'm prepared to take that risk - think of it this way, if you had a 50/50 chance of winning the lottery, would you buy a ticket? Of course you would, those are great odds!

I'm sorry I can't say more to reassure you, but I wanted to hold your hand a bit and let you know you're not alone in thinking the way you do. Can you sneak in a private scan on Monday, just to reassure yourself? Or go to your EPU? I know they don't always like to do reassurance scans, but if you let them know your history and how anxious you are, then they might help you out. FWIW, I've had weekly scans at my EPU, because my NHS consultant really believes that taking some of the anxiety out of the equation helps women with recurrent miscarriage. I'm 11 weeks now, so maybe he has a point.

Sorry for the long essay by the way. If you want to PM me, please do. You're not alone!

Sympathy and hand-holding from me. I have 2 dc interspersed with 4 mc. After the most recent one we found out I have a clotting disorder which is possibly causing it, but further reading has indicated this particular disorder is implicated more in late mc than early (all mine have been first-trimester losses). So I'm facing a potential future pregnancy on heparin without knowing it'll really help.

I've never really found a way round the worry. All you can do really is be kind to yourself and keep breathing.

Hope all goes well.

I think your feelings are totally normal. I had a mmc last year at 10 weeks, and while I'm far on in my pregnancy now (almost 18 weeks) the first 12 weeks, myself and my OH barely acknowledged that I was pregnant, and just treated the morning sickness as some unrelated unfortunate illness!

For me, i had a fear of the 12 scan, I really wanted it, but at the same time I kept remember the 'black hole' i'd seen when we'd had a scan after teh miscarriage and how low we felt when there was no heartbeat.

I remember the countdown to the scan seemed glacial, the midwife I said kept saying how time will fly in, but it totally didn't I felt as though time stopped and it took forever to get to scan date.

i think if you've been through a miscarriage you never take any other pregnancy for granted, I think it's self-protection, you hope that by not fully engaging then you won't feel the loss so much (not true, but I think it's only normal to try and not see the baby as a reality).

I'm now awaiting the 20 week scan, and although I feel more at ease about accepting we're having a baby, there is still a fear that something has gone wrong, and we're deliberately not telling our little boy (who's 3) until after that scan, in case anything goes awry.

You're not alone and given what you've said about this time of year and also how badly wrong it went in the past, I think your approach is perfectly reasonable and I'd be exactly the same.

I hope you get a good result at the 12 wk scan and that it helps put your mind to rest.

Arkady, i am on july thread too. I stopped reading as often because of all the sad news. I know that's awful because we're there to support each other, but i found i could stay more positive about my pregnancy (or less terrified) if i didn't have to face other possibilities. I am not bonding with this baby at all yet, at only 9 weeks. I just can't until we get a real scan. I am giving myself permission to feel ambivalent for now. I know that if something goes wrong, i'll be gutted (and when i spotted a bit this week i couldn't sleep....)

I have a 2.5-yr-old DS, so i am just concentrating on him and on not puking.

I think you need to allow yourself to worry but also think of the odds really being in your favor despite your difficult history.

Can't wait to be on july thread with you in february, discussing baby names.

mysterymeg emblosion specialknickers that last line goes for you as well!!

Got through yesterday with no untoward events; bean is still sticking, it seems. Perhaps I'm finally laying a little 14-year-old ghost to rest.

We broke the news to DD3 this morning that she's going to be a big sister, so she's really excited.

Many thanks for everyone's comments & thoughts; it really did help. Hopefully little one is here to stay. Going to take it easy today I think. Hope everyone else is having a good day thus far.