Not coping well with second pregnancy, I don't think I can manage

[howtobehappy]

I currently have a just turned 3 year old, and am pregnant, due in June so DD will be 3.5 years by then. We planned a second child, but I was hoping for DD to have just started school so I would have one at school and one at home. But how things have worked out DD will be at preschool 5 mornings and the baby at home. I cannot get excited over this pregnancy as I cannot imagine myself coping with two small children. DH works 6 days a week long hours so is only home Sundays. My DD is very well behaved and can do a lot for herself, but I still do not think I can cope with a new baby as well. DD was a very demanding baby, breastfed between 10 and 18 times a day, I breastfed for 9 months when I had lost so much weight and I looked ill so I wanted to stop. I cannot imagine doing it all again, although will have to because of allergy issues in the family, my DP had asthma, and different skin conditions after being formula fed as have DDs young cousins. I cannot imagine having the lack of sleep (I used to get about 4 hours a night with DD, and she still does not sleep through the night now at 3, she comes to visit us once or twice a night and I find it hard to get back to sleep). I used to feel a good mum, doing loads of activities with DD and being relatively happy, now I am pregnant and suffering sickness my DD watched CBeebies from dawn till dusk. I feel I will only be more crap when the baby arrives. I feel like I have made a mistake wanting a second child, I was coping well with one, I cannot cope with two.

I'm having panicky moments like you happy, and on behalf of DH too. I keep thinking, to cheer myself up, that I don't yet know if I can manage. When the next one arrives, I'll find out. It isn't inevitable we won't cope. The next one could sleep much better. Or might fall into a lovely 3 hour feed schedule. Or may be identical to the first and even then, I may still cope. I just don't know yet. This helps me through the scary moments. Best of luck.

I feel like you OP but my DD will be 4 when DC2 is born. I too have had and have morning sickness. I manage by thinking how DD1 will love to have a little brother or sister. All babies are different too - so don't stress x

howtobehappy I'm only 8 weeks pregnant and am having similar thoughts. My DD wasn't s particularly difficult baby but I still found the newborn period really tough.

Firstly remember that your hormones are all over the place and your anxiety is affecting your thought processes - you are catastrophising and 'fortune telling' and probably only remembering the bad parts of your daughter 's first year.

If you think that your feelings are getting out of control It might be worth looking into getting some counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy before the birth. This may help you break down and rationalise your fears.

The other thing I will do is make sure that I have plans in place for some additional help in the newborn period. (hopefully in the form of my fantastic MIL from Australia). If you don't have family and can afford it it may be worth looking into getting a doula for a few weeks. I think having a plan will relieve some of the anxiety.

Finally remember that it here is every chance that your next baby will be 'easier' than your daughter. Maybe she'll be one of the ones that sleeps through from 10 weeks.

Good luck - I know how horrid it is to be stressed through pregnancy.

OP I could have written this post myself. DS has just turned 3 and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. Like you, I always felt like a good (or at least, good enough) mum to him, but SPD and morning sickness have left me tired, stressed, in pain and very snappy with him, poor mite. I dread the next 30 weeks to be honest and have no idea how I will get through them - I can't even walk as far as the shops some days, let alone take him to the park . I feel like the worst mum ever and DS is spending far too much time in front of the telly.

I'm hoping things will improve when the baby arrives - it's the only way to think about it. We coped last time didn't we? We'll cope again.

Feel free to PM me if you like, we can start a grumpy mum's club...

I understand where your coming from i have a 20 month old little girl who doesnt sleep and now ive found out due to the coil failing me that were having a second baby and ive just turned 21!!
Its such a scary thought as my first was very hard work but i lived with my partners parents then, we have our own place now but im still so worried its going to be too much. My mum had my sister and i only 18 months apart and assures me its managable!!

Sending you all hugs from the other side!

I suffered with hyperemesis during my 2nd preg, ended up in hospital and remember I used to sob most days when looking after DS. He turned 2 years old when I was going for my 12 week scan and there is 2 and a half years between my kids.

I found it much easier having a newborn and a young child than I thought I would. In fact, was much easier than when DS was born as I was more confident and not nervous with DD.

Seeing the love blossom between the 2 kids has been super :)

Me too :( Though I'm glad my child is not the only one watching hours of Cbeebies so I can cope!

I am 39 weeks pregnant with DC2 and my dd was 2 last week, so there will be almost exactly 2 years between them. I have also been wondering how on earth I'll cope with it all and if it is too late to change my mind!

However all my friends who have had 2nd babies have found them much easier than their first. They say the hardest thing has been making sure their first child still gets attention etc, but that the actual practical side of looking after a baby is much easier as you know what you're doing and are more confident.

I wouldn't worry about cbeebies being your temporary babysitter. I have definitely had to resort to that more and more these past few weeks as I've become bigger and more tired. I think that's really common. Plus your dd will be in preschool which will be great as you can spend guilt free time with your baby in the morning and then give dd attention in the afternoon.

I keep thinking of all the worst case scenarios but I am basically assuming it will be chaos for the first few months and that then we will find a routine that works for us and get on with it.

I keep forgetting there will be good bits too like a cute new baby! And seeing (hopefully) a lovely relationship between the two children.

Some advice given to me has been to involve your older child as much as possible eg asking them to help with nappy changes by getting the nappies, or asking them to help you wash them in the bath etc. also give your older child lots of positive encouragement eg 'baby love it's when you sing to him/her' or 'baby is so lucky to have a kind big sister like you' and so on. Basically reinforce the good behaviour and try not to give too much attention to the bad.

Someone also said it works well to not constantly say things like 'don't hit the baby' but instead say 'it isn't nice to hit other people' so they don't feel like everything is about the baby.

Good luck, it sounds like you have been a really wonderful mother to your dd so far and I am sure it will all come back to you again.

Having a baby and a preschooler is much, much easier than being pregnant with a toddler.

It will all be ok. No stage lasts forever. I'm out of the first year of having 2 now (20 months apart) and it has got so much easier and more manageable - they both sleep, go to the childminder, play together etc. Seeing them fall in love with each other is so precious.

My top tips are being organised with meals (precook or have jacket pots/fresh pasta pesto/slow cooker), and invest in a stretchy wrap sling - pop baby in and ignore . Look through your budget with a fine tooth comb and forgo other pleasures to pay for convenience food/a cleaner/ironing lady/dog walker etc etc. I used child benefit for these things at times and a good use of cash it was too. Feel no shame at asking for help or paying for it.

You will get through - this too shall pass.

I had my ds (now 11 months) when dd was 3.5. I was very nervous about managing with 2 and there were some bad days but it gets easier very quickly.

It is tough having 2 to take care of at first but the baby stuff is easier 2nd time round and I wonder why some of it seemed so difficult for the first time. There is nothing wrong with a bit more cbeebies for a while, your dd will benefit overall from having a little playmate around later.

You will be fine! Millions of us have been through it and lived to tell the tale. I totally understand your nerves but you will love dc2 so much that it will be worth it.

I have 2.5 years between mine, like you I planned on having dc2 when dc1 was at school. But it didn't work out that way. I had awful sickness - we were in a 1bed flat - we moved, and dh had to look at houses and sign the lease on our new home without me seeing it because I was just so sick. Dc1 watched alot of Cbeebies. When we moved I felt awful, dd kept telling me she wanted to go back to the old house because mummy wasn't poorly there. But we all got through the pregnancy, and then ds arrived and he is the most adorable thing. He was an easier baby than dd - who never slept and fed all the time. I knew what to do with him, so really it was easy, DD was still difficult, I had to watch her constantly because she wanted to play with her brother, but didn't know how to - would cover him in stickers or shake the moses basket. It was hard initially. But now ds is 2.4 and dd is in reception and it is fantastic, they play together, and they miss each other when she is in school and they're so darn cute.

A good sling was excellent - I could have ds in the sling and still have hands free for dd. Always remember the big picture - having siblings is such a wonderful thing, it might not feel like you are doing the best by either of them in those first few months - I can barely remember ds being a baby - it was such a sleep deprived blur. But now all our lives are so much richer.

I am glad the gap is smaller now - I've done babies, I'm not planning on any more and it is lovely to feel that our family is complete. It meant a shorter time in the baby/toddler/preschool stage I'm just about to increase my hours at work. Life is sweet.

I know getting through pregnancy is hard when you feel awful.. But concentrate on that and do not worry about when the baby is here.
Honestly you will cope fine and far from taking anything away from your DD when baby arrives you truly are giving her the most wonderful gift that you ever could.. A sibling! You truly will look back and be so thankful you did this.. Xx

I don't know what advice to give, but you are certainly not alone. I am pg with my second as well, wondering how I will cope, and have definitely resorted to extra CBeebies.

I agree with skiffen - just organise as much help as you can and don't be afraid of "not meeting expectations". My DC2 is 5.5 months now and it has been tough but I've cut as many corners as I can to keep us all going!
I spend some child benefit (£20 a week) on a cleaner.
I do my food shopping on the Internet (a fortnightly shop comes in at over £100 so delivery is free).
I have said yes to every offer of help.
I spent a month living with my in laws after DS was born (from 4-8 weeks postnatal) so they could help me look after DD.
Every time DH has gone away for work I've asked my parents to stay or gone to them.
DH has done the lions share of care for DD, he puts her to bed, gets up with her in the morning and gives her breakfast, so I can just concentrate on DS.
DD, DS and I have spent many hours snuggling in bed together watching children's programmes on the iPad.
DD watches the iPad every morning while I shower and dress and every evening while I cook dinner.
There's no shame in "just getting through it". You don't have to do a great job, just lower your ambitions and get through one day at a time! Xxxx

I wanted to do the sling thing, but ds weight 15lb at 8 weeks and was too big to carry round! A double buggy was a must for me.

Some babies just sit better in a sling - not really about weight I could do the school run (a mile) with ds in a sling till he was 2. But the stretchy sling that worked brilliantly with dd didn't work so well with ds - he was a bit wriggly. Tyhe baby bjorn style ones are rubbish.

A wise friend said her firstborn got the best and worse of her - it is so true - you have time that you will never have with subsequent babies with your firstborn, but you have no idea what you're doing - baby number 2 gets the benefit of the things you have learnt with number 1, and by always having a sibling. I'm sure it all evens out.

Thank you so much for all the replies, it has made me feel alot more positive, and there is lots of helpful advice, thank you so much ladies :)

You will be marvellous. I have 18, well nearly 19 months between my DD and my dts. DD is now 27 months, the dts 8.5 months. She adores them and they her. The babies giggle when she's playing with them, even if she's being a bit rough imo and I stop it.

You will need a sling for baby, any help with meals, cleaning, toddler entertainment for the first weeks, but its do-able. I still have a mothers help 2 days a week, paid for by my awesome dad, but that's the two babies and a 2.3 y.o that's hard. One baby and I'm laughing :)

You are doing amazing DremaingOfPeace with twins and a DD! I have been worried in case I might have twins, I do not know how I will cope with one baby let alone two, my DD keeps saying I have two babies in my tummy, one on each side!! x

I'm glad I've spotted this thread. I've been ttc for ages, and now I'm about 6 weeks pregnant my happiness is surrounded by worry about how I'm going to cope. Dd's 16 months, I think there'll be pretty much exactly 2 years between them.

I'm finding it really difficult being so tired and looking after dd, but I'm trying to remember that I was so tired last time I was pg, that I felt like I had loads more energy after the birth than before.

It's the fear of the unknown. I don't know how I would have coped with dd if she'd had an older, toddler sibling. When do you ever get to sleep?

I'm worried I've not got enough to give, but I suppose you just have to find it from somewhere?

It's such early days I'm weeks away from even feeling like the pregnancy's confirmed and definitely happening, but this is still worrying me. And I feel stupid because I wanted this to happen, so why am I freaking out now? I am so grateful to have for my bfp but there's worry there too.

I'm pleased there's reassuring advice here. I'm going to keep coming back to this thread when I feel panicky.

Again another thread I can relate too! I have a 4 year old who's just starts school and I'm currntly 34 weeks and 41 years old and having exactly the same worries about coping. This was a much wanted second baby after a mc last year but do you know I'm sure there's a hormone that kicks in the minute we get our positive test that says right I'll cause massive stress and stop you thinking rationally! :-) it may be natures way of preparing us as when the little ones arrive it's not as bad as our bloody thoughts and fears for the previous 9 months. Just a thought but helps me feel a little better as the anxiety makes me feel rubbish and then I worry about that hurting the baby! Good luck to all in the same situ x