being a mum to boys

[cookie90]

Hi, I have a lovely DS who will be 3 when my next baby is born....and I have just found out that DC2 is going to be a boy too! .....If I'm brutally honest I was hoping this one would be a girl....only as I felt this might be my last pregnancy ( I have some health problems and always hoped for a girl) but after a few seconds of feeling a bit off, I am now really happy to know he is a he and is healthy! I know I will love him so much and it'll be great for DS1 to have a baby brother. After reading stuff on MN though I see there is a lot of pressure on us women to have girls these days....and I do worry myself about dealing with other people's comments about me having 2 boys. Especially as I would like a girl at some point.
On a personal level though, I think the main thing I worry about when it comes to being a mum of boys is what happens in later life....you know once they have left home and meet partners....will I still be close to my boys? Or will I be the MIL who is side lined, the granny who doesn't have the same relationship with grandchildren etc....
I am fully aware that both adult sons and daughters can have good/bad relationships with their parents and it is about personality rather than gender alone....but from what I have read on google, it all seems really sad about being a mum to men.....and this has made me feel a bit down again. My dad died when I was young, and I grew up just with my mum so we are very close, we speak on the phone most days and see each other regularly. DHs mum died a few years ago...so I don't have experience of a DIL/MIL relationship. Is there anyone out there who can tell me about their relationships with their sons/MILs which are more positive than what I read on google ( ie my son is 25 and calls me only 3 times a year...I feel so lonely blah blah blah).
I do realise I am a bit hormonal just now and am probably completely over analysing things which may or may not happen!!!!

I too have a boy when I always expected to have girls (I'm one of three!). I'm due to have a surprise baby in a couple of weeks, and like you, although the idea of having a girl is very nice, I will be delighted to have another boy for my son... It would be so great for him to have a loyal buddy for the rest of their lives!

My husband doesn't get on great with his mum as she was very young when she had him and pretty much shipped him off to his (wonderful) grandparents' for much of his childhood. I feel my husband is pretty unfair with her though as his father was as much a part of that decision as she was, and his grandparents were wonderful with him, but he still considers that she abandoned him. His brother, my BIL, was born later and my MIL was more prepared for motherhood, so they have a good relationship.

My sister's BF is one of two boys who are EXTREMELY close to their parents... not in a weird kind of a way, but like how me and my sisters are with our parents. Regular phonecalls, coffee-stops, Sunday lunches, Christmas get-togethers... They are affectionate and jokey between each other, and it is so lovely to witness.

I think it all boils down to how you are as a parent, and to the characters of everyone involved. Afterall, having a girl doesn't guarantee a close, loving relationship...

Goodluck with your boys... I'm sure it will be wonderful!

I'm expecting a boy in February and, like you, I was ever so slightly hoping for a girl. Any 'disappointment' lasted about 2 seconds- I'm thrilled. DP is very close to his mother (he's the ultimate pfb) to the extent that she texts him everyday, they speak on the phone at least twice a week and we see them regularly. Their whole family is very close, maybe that has something to do with it? I know his dad used to travel a lot with work, so he spent many evenings with just his mum once his much younger sister was in bed.

She and I get on very well, I've spent numerous afternoons drinking tea with her while he goes to the footie with fil. We've both made a lot of effort to become close though, and share a sense of humour which probably makes things easier.

Congratulations...you've found out you're having another boy! We had our second son 3 weeks ago, and it feels like everything is complete! Like you, this will probably be our last child. I definitely agree there's a lot of pressure to have what some people perceive as the "perfect family". Lots of people told me during pregnancy that I must be hoping for a girl since I had a son already. I felt this was quite a rude assumption. My father in law asked me "gut feeling, what do you think you're having?" When I told him another boy he said "no, seriously, gut feeling, what do you think you're having!"

Absolutely thrilled with my perfect little boy, and his big brother ADORES him. I do have fleeting moments where I think I'll not have that special moment on a daughter's wedding day, and I might be sidelined at times, however I think the main thing is to ensure I have the best possible relationship with my sons, and to be ready to welcome any future partners of my sons into my home. All children are special but I am certainly excited at the prospect of bringing up my beautiful boys!

P.s I also hope to emulate this relationship with any future sons or daughters in law. It's wonderful to feel so supported!

You're lucky!! I have such an easy relationship with my son. My dd is much harder work. I know it's bad but .... well no, better not type the end of that sentence. Anyway, congratulationS!!

I felt the same about my DS2 as he was also meat to be my last. Needless to say it didn't last and I adored him right from the start.

It was nice having a Boy Gang - I loved it :)

So much so that I was disappointed that my third child was a girl . Again, I got over that almost immediately though :) There is no real rationality to these feelings TBH. It doesn't mean you can predict what the future holds wrt your relationship with adult boys/partners/grandchildren - you can shape that by being the kind of MIL you don't get many of on Mumsnet :o

I adore my MIL. I see her most days, have meals with her, go on holiday with her and phone her for a chat just because. I love her. Genuinely adore her. She's one of my best friends. She is very close to dh too. They see each other a few times a week and chat on the phone v often. In fact, we live where we do because it's close to family. We're currently planning a holiday to Ireland. Me, dh, dd, ds, MIL and FIL.

Please don't worry, relationships are made, not born.

My MIL has 3 boys (no daughters) and they are all close, but my DP is especially close to her. They speak on the phone usually a few times a week and we see her and FIL roughly every six weeks (they live about 2 hours away from us). She is a devoted grandmother and was present at the births of both of my children.

I don't get along with my own mother and speak to her as little as possible!

Thanks so much for the replies, they have definitely made me feel much better.....It is so encouraging to hear that as adults, sons can still be close to their parents ( especially mums!). I always remember someone saying that quote to me( quite insensitively) not long after DS1 was born-you know " a son is a son until he meets a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life". It was something I hadn't even heard of before DS1 was born, but it has stuck in my head and it is something I worry about now I know I am having DS2. But as I have said it is so encouraging to hear good chat about MIL/DIL relationships, and good mother/son relationships in adulthood.
I will try my best not to worry about things 20 years in the future....

If I think about the adult men I know I do agree that they don't see as much of their parents as the adult women I know but they do all have good relationships with their Moms.

Regarding the comments you get them either way, I'm expecting a girl and although I've had a fair few 'how wonderful' comments I've also had quite a few tell me how difficult girls are in the teenage years and that their sons were much easier.

It seems to be yet another example of people thinking it's ok to say whatever the hell they like to pregnant women.

Just found out I'm having a boy. Husband is over the moon, I'm slightly anxious. I don't have a clue how to look after boys!

firstly, there WILL be comments! I get them all the time "oh well you can always try again for a girl" etc so practice your snotty shut-yer-face answer because the comments will come

secondly, I like my MIL, in fact I wish we saw her more often. She is most certainly welcome. I don't think as DHs wife I took him away from his mother - quite the opposite I'm always reminding him to invite her or go see her or send her stuff like photos of DCs.

I have 2 boys, ds1 would have been heartbroken if he was a girl he had his name picked as soon as we told him! We got loads of comments like I suppose you'll want another, my brother will have one of each soon and everyone keeps saying its so nice they don't need another cos they have one of each!

We love having 2 boys but I worry like you about when they get married etc as I would hate to miss out on any future grandchildren etc.

I have one DS who is four. I'm pg and having my anomaly scan this week.

Obviously the first thing I want is a healthy baby.

However after all of that, if I could choose boy or girl, I would choose a boy. I don't think you can stereotype a whole gender but I love DS and. I love he is a boy. He is the more loving and affectionate child I know.

Sure he has as much energy as a puppy but I love that. And he is passionate about what I do. It all "matters" and that includes his friends and family.

He is fiercely loyal and defensive of me and has already formed strong friendships that he won't desert because the wind has changed or it's the wrong day of the week.

He is ace and I will be extremely lucky to have another child, boy or girl, but my heart feels its more likely with a boy.

I will however love this child boy or girl and hope they learn from their fantastic big brother.

Congrats OP! And I could've written your post! I am also expecting DS2 and will have a similar age gap. Am also over the moon to be having another boy (and relieved - thought of bringing up a teenage girl terrifies me!). The one downside that worries me is the adult relationship, as you say, so I'm delighted to read these responses. It sounds like it totally comes down to personality and the individuals involved, which makes sense to me. Hope you are reassured too!

I love my MIL much more than my own mother. It just goes to show that a lasting relationship is not based on having a boy or girl.

I have three boys (teenagers now) who adore my MIL and won't even bother coming to the phone to talk to my mother if she phones.

I'm expecting baby number 5 in Feb and it is my MIL that I phone about any niggles or difficulties with my pregnancy and it is my MIL who will be looking after my children whilst I am having the baby.

Hopefully your sons will grow up to have lovely girlfriends who you can enjoy some of that 'mother and daughter' time with.

My MIL has two girls and a boy and says that boys are much more loving and don't bitch at you. They may not phone and chat as much, but also don't phone because they feel obliged, just because they really want to.

Congratulations.

I have a boy then a girl. I love them both to bits but my god ds is far more straight forward than dd. However he has a lot of my traits so maybe I understand him a bit better. I thought dd was a boy, and she is the most un-girly girl I have ever met! so I can't really understand why some are so set on having one of each - was just glad to have a baby whatever the sex.

Saying all that, I worry that one day history will repeat itself and I will lose my little boy - dh has no time for his mother, but then she hasn't been the best mother so really only has herself to blame for that strained relationship. I do think it has more to do with the child and your relationship than the gender. Ds already knows that I will love him and care for him forever and that I will do everything I can to keep in contact with him and see him wherever he ends up in the world, as does dd (well shes only 2 but she will)!

My 4th boy is due in January (I have no girls)

I can't compare being a mum to boys to bring a mum to girls as I have no idea but I do love having my tribe of boys. I know some people get negative comments when they have same gender children but I find a lot of people have been a little bit jealous and envious. There is one mum at the school that says "wow look at you with all your boys" whenever she sees us and I get a little tearful and proud. I get some 'you're brave' comments but mostly people seem to think I am some sort of supermum or something I love it and will be so chuffed to announce my 4th boy

I do worry sometimes about being a mil but my exH is close to his mum and round there all the time (she has 3 boys and the oldest son lives next door to her) and my exp is too close to his mum and lives there as a surrogate husband and they do alot together like go out drinking every Friday and Saturday night instead of him having friends but she is very hard work and manipulative and has major tantrums been known alot to get upset if she doesn't spend enough every minute of every day time with him and he resents her for it and bitches constantly has said how he feels suffocated sometimes.

I have a boy and a girl , grown up now. Son is nearly 24 and daughter is 21. They are as a different as chalk and cheese, but I put that down to them being individuals. I have had problems with both, but feel that is par for the course!!
Obviously I love them both to bits. No matter how old your kids are you still worry about them. My mum still worries about me and Im 52 !!!
On the subject of mother in laws, I got divorced 8 years ago but still see my in laws now and then. I go and visit them. Ive always had a close relationship with my MIL. She used to come on holiday with us when the kids were young, at my suggestion. She was/is brilliant. She will give advice if and when its asked for but does not interfere. I am currently engaged to a new man and I get along with his mum really well too. I feel very lucky to have 2 wonderful MILs.
I think its partly down to me treating them with respect and treating their sons well too. sorry if that sounds arrogant. lol. I have a great relationship with my mum too. Lucky me.

I have 2 boys and wouldnt want it any other way. They are loving, sweet and so so funny. Now pregnant with DC3 and hoping for another boy as I get my boys so well.

Another positive story here!! I have a 3.3y gap between my two boys. I don't want any more than two children so that's us done now. I am enjoying watching them grow up together (currently 5yo and 2yo) and it's a joy to raise them so far. There's been hard times along the way but that's nothing to do with gender, that's just baby related stuff (sleepless nights!) but now things are really looking up and I see the relationship between them both really blossoming and their personalities shining through.

Please do not focus on gender alone, it's overrated. They are individuals, not solely 'boy' or 'girl'. I am not close to my own mother and I'm a 'girl'! It's not true that all women are close to their own mothers. I do get along well with MIL, but she doesn't interfere. She will only help when approached.

Congratulations on your two wonderful DC (when DS2 arrives!) you will enjoy it immensely! :)

I know this message was from a long while ago but I still thought it would be worth replying to say my mother in law is like another mum to me. It's like I have two mums now, she looks after the children, we are super close, she is also like friend we go out to lunch. You will get on well with your sons girlfriends just make the effort, show you care, be available to help, be there, keep up the contact xx

My DH is one of three boys and all of them had such a close relationship with their mum (who sadly died a couple of years ago). I got on very well with her and I'm sure she would have seen loads of her grandchildren and had a very good relationship with them. We went round to hers for dinner a few times a week, went on holidays, just normal family stuff.

I'm not that close to my own mum and tbh wouldn't really want to leave my children alone with her and my dad too much. Some of the things they said when I was a child were horrible and I never want my daughter to hear that crap from people who are supposed to love her.

Oh...zombie thread...