Best friend with mixed feelings, anyone who's had frequent MC who can help me?

[ScubaSarah]

My best friend has had loads of MC and suspected MC with ex-hubby and current partner and is clearly upset by this. There are other friends in her life she's cut out when they had kids as she couldn't cope for a range of reasons. As soon as I started ttc I told her and she said she'd try to be there and be supportive when it happened.
Anyway, plucked up courage to tell her and she's been ok. She admits it hard but wants to be involved etc. how can I help her and be sensitive to her emotions while wanting to bounce up and down like tigger. Also, im scared myself about MC risks and so on but REALLY don't want to go there with her...
Any advice?! :-/

What do you mean you don't want to go there with her? Do you mean you don't think you should discuss your fears re risks of MC with her? You're probably right if so.

When she says she wants to be involved, you need to ask her what she means by this - is she happy to see scan pics / hear about midwife appointments, is it just that doesn't want all your conversations to be dominated by pregnancy etc. - this is fair enough. Did she cut off other friends because their lives were completely dominated by baby stuff, or is it other things?

Try to put yourself in her shoes - every time she becomes pregnant, instead of 'bouncing up and down like tigger', she gets a sickening sense of dread and anxiety every time she goes to the toilet and every day when she wakes up in the morning.

It's really good that you are trying to be sensitive to these issues btw.

Thanks for the reply
Yes, when I say I don't want to go there with her it's exactly that. I wouldn't want to discuss those fears as it would feel insensitive!
She says she is 'parking' how she feels and wants daily updates as to how I'm doing. With previous friends she felt they were blasé about being pregnant, taking risks with food and drink...
I'd hate to feel I was upsetting her by telling too much or holding back, just wanted to know if I should or shouldn't do anything and how beat to involve her without upsetting her more than can be helped...

I don't know if this will help, but with myself being a recurrent miscarrier, I have found some pregnancies more difficult to deal with than others. No real rhyme or reason to it. Some women I had been close to, I found their pregnancies ok to hear about, not easy, but I enjoyed seeing their pleasure at being pregnant, other women I avoided being near. Some women I barely knew when I saw they were pregnant, I could not cope with talking with them and definitely did not want to hear any pregnancy gripes or even the happiness of their cute arrival.

I think you can only take your friends lead, she seems to be interested in how you are doing, and will be hoping that you get the precious bundle of joy that has eluded her so far. Continue to be sensitive to how she feels, such as telling her you have had a scan and have pictures and ask if she would like to see them. If she says yes then go and get them (don't have them in your hands when you ask), if she says no, then just acknowledge that you understand that it might bring back painful thoughts to her, and just say that if she changes her mind she can ask you.

As for talking to her about your fears of miscarriage, I think you can be honest with her, but don't over dramatise it. Just say that you are aware that sometimes things don't go as planned and that whilst you are excited by this pregnancy, you are looking forward to getting further along to a time when the risks of miscarriage are less. Acknowledge that you are aware of her miscarriages and are frightened of going thought the sort of pain that she has experienced so many times. If she is still ttc, maybe ask how she copes in early pregnancy with the fear of m/c. Asking her acknowledges her experience. But if she has stopped ttc, then maybe avoid this topic.

To be honest if she is coping and wanting to try and enjoy this pregnancy with you, she will probrably be ok with hearing about how things are, but just try to balance this with "normal" conversation too, so that it is not all about the baby and your pregnancy.

I hope this helps.

Thanks willitbe and sorry to hear about your recurrent mc issues. Your insight has been really helpful x

Be aware that some days she will ask you stuff and want to know about things, and other days she may actively avoid you.
This is normal as the emotions are very up and down from day to day. Some days you cope better than others.

Dont force or push anything on her. Keep it light.

Please please be aware of how hurtful it is to be blase about pregnancy, about taking things for granted. This is just insulting ime and the hardest to deal with.

Just take it as it comes.

BUT also, this is your time, your happy news so at the same time, walking on egg shells is unfair to you and you should be able to celebrate.

I also hope that this helps x

waves at willitbe...

Thanks Nana I'd never be blasé - I'm astounded and awed by the miracle and doing everything I can to keep the bean safe and healthy. I completely get why they're no longer in her life.
I'll be gentle with her and I'm so very grateful to all of you for sharing your insights x