Pregnant with much wanted second child but am now to scared to go through with it

[soscared2012]

A bit of background. I had DD 3 years ago, I had a lovely pregnancy but had a birth that left me in fear of having another child. I told my DP that we can never have another child as I am not giving birth again, and he was fine with that. Fast foward nearly 3 years, and we both felt broody for another. We tried and got pregnant 1st time which was a total shock, and I threw up when I saw the positive test. That was 5 weeks ago and for the last 5 weeks I have been suffering from depression and have started thinking about having an abortion for the last couple of days. My DP has told everyone I am pregnant, including our DD, everyone is so excited. I cannot muster up any excitiement and my DP is very upset as he thinks I do not want this baby. I do want the baby but I do not want to be pregnant and give birth again. I have not slept well for the last 5 weeks, I keep waking up early and think 'on no what have I done.' I have not been able to cook or clean for the last 5 weeks my DP has to do it when he gets home from work. Me and DD have just been staying in watching tv, I feel in constant fear I am going to give birth, and I am only 8 weeks pregnant. I keep thinking, I was happy with one, what have I done.

My birth was probably not that bad compared to a lot of peoples. Both me and DD were fine which is the main thing. But I just felt like I was tortured. I got to 7cm at home and then went to hospital and got to 10cm with no problem on gas and air. Then my contractions stopped and I was put straight on a drip and was forced to push for over 3 hours without gas and air even though I had no urge to push. I felt like I was being electrocuted up my spine every couple of minutes for over 3 hours while being forced to push. Then they discovered the baby had not moved and was stuck. So I had a forcepts delivery which was fine apart from I had a 3rd degree tear to my bowel, as well as cut at the front for the forcepts. I was on the borderline of having a blood transfusion. But that part was fine. It was the 3+ hours of electric shocks up my back while on the drip while being told I was not pushing hard enough that have left me too terrified to have this baby. I don't know what to do.

Sorry for long post.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me, it means a lot. I think begging for a c section may be the answer from what a lot of you have said. I have just picked up my prescription, and the GP has prescribed me prozac. My DP just came in from work and said he is not keen on me taking it as he does not think I am depressed, he thinks I am just very very scared which is making my mind spin. I have my booking in appointment on 18th December, I will try to hold off the prozac I think and talk to someone there, although do not want to get in trouble for not taking the prozac? Would that go against me at all? I just feel in fear which is making me depressed, if I could get rid of the fear I am sure the depression would go. I am just a bit wary of taking the prozac and then not being able to give it up if that makes sense.

Another one here strongly advising you to have an ELCS if you decide to continue wit the pregnancy. I encountered very little residence in requesting one following a difficult 1st vb, although nothing like as bad as yours. I also think you need birth trauma counselling.

And your dp needs to wind his neck in - you're only five weeks he must be mad telling the world and his dog. Is he trying to force your hand so you feel you can't have an abortion because the pregnancy is public?

Chub OP says she is 8 weeks.

I don't think your DP is being out of line here OP - he may very well have a point. I think it is quite unusual to be perscribed anti-d's over the phone and by the sounds of it I'm not sure they will help. I have been on them myself for anxiety and they usually take a few weeks to work and can make you even more anxious In the short term.

I think you need to demand an emergency gp's appointment and/or demand an urgent midwife apt to talk about your fears. Please do this before doing anything you may regret. You are also well within your rights to demand a c-section, if that is what you need then be firm and don't let them talk you out of it.

I really feel for you please try and stay strong you will get through this xxx

Thank you, I will do my best to stay strong, I need to for my 3 year old, I feel like I am letting her down at the moment by being so down, I just wish I could snap out of it.

OP, I would say the first thing you need to do is to stop putting pressure on yourself. Let yourself be scared and face the fear and don't worry too much about the perfect mother and wife. Putting your own feelings first is not a bad thing if in the end it enables you to feel better.

8 weeks is still very early to he announcing a pregnancy to all and sundry, particularly when the pregnant woman isn't sure she wants to continue. It's not pressure she needs.

He is just excited bless him. He is scared though that I now feel so fed up. He was like that with DD, he told everyone at 5 weeks, he just cannot keep his mouth shut! Bless him.

I have tried to explain to him how I feel, but it went a bit wrong, I ended up saying imagine having metal spatulas up your bum hole and then not being able to poo properly for months. Oh well, hopefully it made him understand a bit!

soscared I had an almost identical labour to yours with DS, except I had ventouse rather than forceps. The rest is all pretty much the same. I had great aftercare though, and met with a consultant when DS was 6 months old, who checked my stitches etc, referred me for ano-rectal scans (nice eh?) and then had a chat about future deliveries. I was terrified of giving birth, and he said he would authorise an elective section for future deliveries if that was what I wanted. Roll on 3 years and I'm 26 weeks with number 2. I'm meeting the consultant in a few weeks and I expect will be getting a date for my section. Like you, I do NOT want to go through that again - the thought terrifies me. Please don't suffer, you don't have to. Good luck x

I had the same fear and begged for a section am so glad I begged as I won my battle. It was such a fantastic experience and so different from my traumatic birth experience. Just speak to your midwife they will support you.

OP I had a horrendous first birth and am now 8 weeks with no 2. The first thing I said to my GP is that I wanted a section this time & she has been v supportive & included that in my referral to the midwife.

I may change my mind I suppose, but knowing I CAN have a section has taken the anxiety away.

I had pnd/PTSD after the birth & am still on antidepressants (sertraline) & am reassured that risks are small...

If you had a horrible experience giving birth it is not abnormal to be apprehensive about going through the whole experience again. Could you not just ask for an epidural or elective caesarian section. Or ask for some counselling. What about getting in touch with the NCT.

OP, I'm another person who has had a forceps delivery and 3rd degree tearing.

I've been told if I fall pregnant again, there is a good chance I may not be able to give birth vaginally. It may be the same for you. Please near that in mind.

I really hope you overcome this

Thank you so much for all the suportive replies. It is amazing how many of you have had such bad experiences. And good to hear you managed to have another child. I had wondered if I can actually give birth vaginally again, I went to physio for about 6 months when DD was 9 months old as my pelvis had come out of place (and it took 9 months for my old doctor to actually take my back and pelvic pain seriously and refer me) she said she would recommend a c section to avoid any more damage to pelvic floor (bowl end) and she thought my pelvis came out of place during childbirth. But I know that it would be the midwife making the decision which scares me. To be honest I have a slight fear of c sections too, of catching mrsa or something and dying. I sound like a right worrier don't I. I just have a massive fear of dying since having DD.

I was exactly the same when I was granted the section I was then horrified about staying awake through t all. I was proved wrong to be scared It was the most surreal experience ever. My recovery time took 2 weeks unlike my 1st birth which was horrific and took years to recover from. Good luck op and its normal to worry like this

I am glad it is normal to feel like this, I am worried this is the start of a lifetime of depression for me as I cannot see the positive in anything at the moment. I grew up with a mother who had depression, anxiety and an eating disorder and although I had everything in a practical sense (fed, watered, toys etc.) I did not have anyone emotionally available to me (and still dont apart from DP). I do not want the same for my DD. That is why I keep thinking if I have an abortion everything will go back to normal, but then I think I would probably feel worse as I do not want to kill my much wanted baby, I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

I need to find away to keep connected with my DD. At the moment she seems happy enough but I so worried me feeling like this will affect her. I have tried to get an earlier midwife appointment but the earliest they have is the 18th December. I have been told to take the prozac until then. My DP is really against me taking them though, he is scared they will harm the baby and may make me feel worse or become dependent on them, when all I need is some reasurrance that I will not have to endure extreme back pain for 3 hours again which made me feel like I was tortured. Part of me thinks he is right, but I am struggling to get on with day to day things. I am going to try and set myself targets of what I need to do each day to try and get basic things done. 18 days of coping seems so long though. If I didn't feel so sick I think I would just try to forget I was pregnant until then but my nausea has been constant for weeks (although no actual sickness). Although part of me thinks it is worry rather than morning sickness.

Sorry for rambling, it just feels good to write things down.

x

I am talking with no medical knowledge at all...but I did have a very unpleasant birth with DS1 (not in your league though) and remember anxiety when approaching birth of DS2.

I would demand another appointment with the Doctor. I will defer to others as to whether Prozac is good in your situation, but I would guess that a huge amount of your anxiety would go if promised a section. If Prozac works at all in the interim, it is kind of masking those worries (iyswim). You have some medics on side already. Get your evidence together and see the doctor. If he/ she is unsympathetic, see another.

good luck.

I think you would definitely get a Csection if you pushed for it.

I had a very traumatic time when I had my DD and was told I can definitely have a csection if I want it next time, even though I gave birth vaginally and 'only' had a 2nd degree tear, so not as bad as you. I would probably have to have an induction at 37 weeks (or before) due to my history and the thought of going through an induction again at that stage makes me feel sick.

It is a consultant who will make the decision not a midwife - so ask to see one ASAP. Good luck.

I felt unable to go through another birth after my first, but now I'm actually looking forward to it now, an independant midwife comming to my home to do an all day "debrief" and discussion about my options plus hypnobirthing has made me feel totally different about a second labour.

The independant midwife really helped, and they had all day to talk about it too, they can even go with you if you request your notes from last time to go over everything with you in detail

My immediate thought is elective C Section. Or perhaps counselling to overcome your fears. Good luck.

Ditto what baubles says - hypnobirthing and independent midwife. I had horrendous first birth, took me 8 years before I (not on purpose though not exactly avoided) got pregnant again. We booked an apt with an IM to debrief on notes from first labour, did Hypnobirthing in an attempt to deal with fear (thought I'd be having a cs but wanted to make it as positive an experience as possible) and ended up having ds2 at home with another IM (dh did lots of overtime to pay for it - he'd been massively affected by how helpless he felt in first birth too and was very proactive in wanting it to be different) - totally different experience. DS was almost 11lbs and I would have done it again the next day . . . anyone told me that 9 months earlier and I'd have laughed hysterically.

I think the birth trauma association have done some work on this and can give you advice including on getting an elective c section. Not read whole thread so sorry if anyone has said that already.