26 wks - sciatica - prospect of stopping work now is freaking me out: Help!

[WrenWren]

Hi ladies,

I'm afraid that this is quite a long story, but I'd really value your insights if you can battle your way to the end! I'm emotionally very wobbly and I think I need some wise words to calm me down and get my head straight.

I hurt my back a couple of weeks ago (I was doing something I probably shouldn't have been- and the guilt of being so stupid isn't helping my mental state) and carried on working (something else I probably shouldn't have done). The end result was that I ended up spending last Saturday in A&E on gas and air in total agony.

I was diagnosed with sciatica. They gave me a strong muscle relaxant and I was strapped up by physio and sent home with cocodemol and the instructions not to go into work for a week. They've given me a back brace and crutches (although they told me to try not to use the crutches because they could make things worse) and referred me to a physio for ongoing treatment. The exercises they've given me have helped a lot, but the pain's still there.

I'm trying to take as few painkillers as I can. The doctors have told me that all the drugs are absolutely fine for the baby but I can't believe they're good for it! I'd rather take a bit more pain than the worry/guilt.

My boss has told me in no uncertain terms that unless I'm 100% better he doesn't want to see me back in the building. And he means it in the most supportive way. He really does. He's a good man. The thing is, if I'm honest, I'm far from 100% better and I can see my sick leave stretching into my maternity leave without me returning to work.

I haven't prepared a handover and there are loose ends all over the place. Its such a mess.

Anyway, I have quite a hectic job, but I love it and, frankly, I need it (I earn quite a bit more than my husband, so we're dependent on me carrying on at work after my maternity leave - something else I feel guilty about). The business is going through a lot of change and everyone is rushed off their feet and under quite a lot of pressure.

I manage a team and this year we were responsible for delivering against a very tough budget and it looks like we might miss it despite having worked our backsides off all year. As a result, I keep thinking of everything that I could have done differently and how I must look like a complete failure to my team and my bosses. I am terrified that they are going to write me off whilst I'm on maternity leave. I don't think they'd make me redundant, but they might engineer a switch in role, or a downgrade in responsibility. They've already promoted someone over my head this year.

To make matters worse, whilst I've been off this week the company won some new business and handed it to my team to manage. My team went into melt down. They are so overloaded already that they aren't able to take on any more work. If I'd have been there it would never have reached them and I've managed to push back on the work since. But their panic has drawn attention to the problems the team is facing. I've had to get help from my manager to sort it all out in my absence. All the dirty washing is hanging out to dry and so now I'm really worried about how my boss sees me.

He's also banned me from working from home while I'm on sick leave because he's worried about me getting stressed. So no more phone calls or emails. But that's freaking me out even more because I've lost all control over what's going on and I'm not able to defend myself if people starting blaming me.

Then, to top it off, my boss's PA sent me an email telling me that to even contemplate coming back into work was incredibly selfish. That I should be taking my responsibilities as a mother more seriously and not be putting the baby at risk by chancing hurting my back further and having to take more drugs.

So, now, I'm stuck at home, in pain, worrying:

Have I hurt the baby? Am I hurting the baby? Am I destined to be a dreadful workaholic mother? Even if I'm not, is that what everyone thinks of me?

Has my career completely unravelled in a couple of weeks? How the hell are we going to pay the mortgage?

And is this all my own stupid fault for hurting my back in the first place?

I've got no friends or family nearby - I'm pinning all my hopes on NCT classes that start in a couple of weeks - but what if I'm still in this state when we go? Who'd want to be friends with me then? I'm such a mess.

What if my back never gets better and I can't lift or play with my baby?

My poor husband is being completely fantastic, but I must be driving him mad.

And I'm so annoyed with myself because I'm normally so good at keeping things in perspective, staying cheerful and just getting on with it. I'm normally a really positive, laid back person. But right now, when I should be enjoying my pregnancy, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I just feel completely overwhelmed.

If anyone can wave a magic wand and help me get my old self back I'd be really grateful!

That really is a long post - I'm sorry. If you've made it this far -thank you!

Hi there- what a pickle you must feel in! I can't promise to wave a magic wand, but maybe there are some logical, proactive steps you can take that might make you feel better:

Your back: are you still seeing the Physio and are they a women's health/obstetric Physio? If you're not still seeing them, or they're not a specialist one and look like they may discharge you soon, then it might be worth looking into that. A broad approach can work fine, but a women's health one will be used to dealing with pregnant women, so may be braver in their treatment options than one who isn't. They may also be a good sounding board and be able to give you some pointers as they'll have come across these types of work issues before.

Work: do you have an hr dept? One that could give friendly advice on working whilst pregnant, once you've had the baby etc. More info may calm you

Time off: if you're normally busy but are suddenly at home it can really mess with your mind! Could you try looking into some classes (noticing too strenuous and check with your Physio) to give your days structure? It may help to reduce your anxiety and may help your back- do check first though. Other groups are for general chatting (think bumps and babies groups), look on the nct website and your sure start and council websites

Mood: you sound like you're really stressed in general. People at the nct group will have their own stresses as well, so don't worry about that. if you are feeling very anxious it might be worth chatting with your gp- if you feel it's out of proportion. Otherwise some of the groups above may help.

I don't often come on here, but I wish you luck in case I don't get chance to post again. It's hard, unpicking a whole life as pregnancy progresses with all it entails and motherhood looms. I found it quite stressful having to take a back seat on things, but you will get there :)

You are not alone! I am lucky in that my back issues are not nearly so bad and I'm still at work but the stress has reached fever pitch and I've people telling me it's bad for the baby and to go home. My boss is being a bit hopeless and thinks it's all about hormones (it's not- it's an unreasonable workload). I second speaking to HR. I'm lucky, I work in a big organisation and regularly work with the HR dept so have had a really useful chat informally. She totally got that not working and clearing up bits before mat leave is less stressful than sitting at home worrying. Hopefully your HR dept can help you communicate this to your boss.

Also, I've had one NCT type class so far and they all seem lovely and friendly. We're all in the same boat!

Hi ladies,

Thanks so much for the advice. Wheels, I'm sorry you've found yourself in a similar position. It sucks doesn't it!

I'll get on the phone to HR on Monday. I've been avoiding it so far (they've been pretty overstretched as well and the guy I usually work with there has just emigrated to australia!). But they are all lovely. Definitely worth trying. And that's what they're there for right?

And classes are a great idea. I've got the Physio later today, so I'll ask about what I can/can't do.

I hadn't really thought of it as 'unpicking a whole life', but that's exactly what it is really isn't it. A massive change. My dad retired last year and suffered from anxiety attacks for months afterwards - I suppose that in some ways this isn't disimilar. Its a massive adjustment. And baby's not here yet to fill the void. But, yes, I will get there!

Thank you. x.