Visiting at home after birth

[newby2]

Hiya, Im having an elec c sec soon and have a toddler at home and 100,000,000 family and friends.

Any-one with lots of people to visit- did you let them all come to hospital after the birth at visiting times and then ask for some time out? I would ideally like a week or so just to bed in when we arrive home but any ideas how not to offend?

Get your OH on board with what you want!

I would definitely recommend having people visit in the hospital (where they are limited by numbers of visitors and visiting hours). I had a ELCS too and like idiots we allowed our families to come and stay. My DS was born in Tuesday, I came home last Thursday night and everyone (My Mum, Dad, brother and PILs) came to stay on the Friday. I was just trying (and struggling) to get to grips with BF and I spent a lo of the weekend in tears. It was awful. Don't do it to yourself

Please limit your visitors and have time to find yourselves as a new family.

My twins are three and almost daily I regret not telling people to get the fuck out of my hospital room - they stood around me in the recovery room while I puked.... Then a steady stream came and sat around me - one couple had a day off work and just sat there ..... Then a friend from Oz was in town and came too - I got so run down I got an infection - I gave it to the twins who then had a three week battle for life..... The antibiotics they had wiped out their immune system so they have very bad chests - my son went on to get pneumonia that put him in a coma fr a week 18 months ago- I totally blame all of this on their bad start three years ago - be tough - get some rest - tell people to leave you alone - recovering from c section is not that painful but it is knackering and you need every waking breath for your kid/s

What excellent advice ladies. It amazes me that people can be so selfish. Rose- that's terrible and the thing I dread. It does annoy me that the in-laws are so messy and staying at our house whilst Im in hospital. If I come home to mess I'll be livid!

Pontouf- again excellent advice and that's crap that you had to go through that. I'm going to be firm and sod every-one.

Our first baby born 2.5 years ago was premature and my family were all over us like flies flashing photos and generally being very stressful.

I think this time I'm going to grow some balls and say a short time to visit. Especially as our toddler will need time to adjust.

Any more advice greatly appreciated!

Agree with all of the above. For my DS we restricted people, I was trying to get to grips with bf'ing and having visitors plus health checks, trying to rest etc.....look after the baby!!! The few visitors we had initially had me stressed out...baby was very jaundiced, not feeding well and nearly ended up in hospital under the lamps, I had to pump all day to get my milk in and get that in him as he was so sleepy he wouldn't feed, and then try and establish the bf'ing. Hard work and all the harder when you're trying to do it in front of people.

Just say no visitors initially or get DH to out them off until you are up to it.

Do you intend to breastfeed? Some babies are good at it from the beginning and with others it can take ours for each feed with them crying and you gently trying not to get upset and say soothing words to your baby. You can't do this with people around looking at you while you have to make sure that baby has latched on properly.

On the other hand you could leave every time you want to feed the baby playing the bfing card. I would be embarrassed to force a woman into seclusion inside her own house and would rather make my stay shorter but I don't know if your friends will think the same. They might think it is ok to stay because they have no idea that a baby needs permanent comfort from their mum or that they feed only every a couple of hours and that's it.

I've developed a much tougher side since becoming pregnant, I usually put up with stuff and chunter to myself about it but never have the guts to say it to people.

However, I've already told people that it's only grandparents allowed to the hospital (tell a white lie if you need to about it being hospital policy, Dads and GP's only) and we're having no visitors at the house.
We've told people we'll take her to each set of parents one afternoon when we're ready and any extended family can visit there, that way I don't have to worry about entertaining guests and we can leave when we want to and not be sat at home thinking piss off I'm tired please go home.

I'm sure people will understand that you need time to recover after a c-section and they've already waited 9 months so an extra week or two wont do any harm.

Make sure what you decide happens.
We wanted a quiet homecoming with dd2 and I planned fish n chips and some champagne with dd1 and dh.
The only people we thought may be a problem was pil as they live 3 hrs away.
I had her by emergency section on the Thursday and pil drove down Friday night to visit sat then go home.
They engineered staying longer by leaving stuff at the house then lied to mw who suggested I needed some peace and quiet.
They followed us home put on their slippers and asked about food!
Dh explained that they needed to go so mil had a strop threatening to eat in the car.dh was trying to keep the peace and I felt so sorry for him that I told him to make them food hoping they'd fuck off so we could have our fish and chips.
They'd left at ten, we had toast made bottles and went to bed.
The next day the baby was taken back in with a cleft palate and pneumonia. She is fine now but I will never fully forgive them for spoiling our first night home. It contributed to me developing pnd and made me find it very hard to like pil.
We were clear about what we wanted but unfortunately had no plan for what we would do if we were ignored.

Oh Gosh, there are some terrible family members out there! I can see this coming on. Plus they have no idea that a baby's immune system is not developed enought o cope with loads of visitors.

DH's Aunty is over from America staying in a posh hotel nearby to see us (we weren't pregnant when we made that arrangement) so happens she'll be here on the date I go in for elec sec. She will expect a level of visitation!

In-laws live a few hours away and see our home as a second home anyway- have NO idea about small children. SIL lives a far while away and again will want to be here ASAP.

My large family and friend circle all live around here but will be easier to explain the situation to.

Our toddler will need a lot of nurturing not to mention the new-born.

Oh God I'm already stressed!!

You've got to be firm! We gave family time slots of 20mins in the labour ward and told the nurses to mentioning their were too many people. We told the family that due to so many people and time/space restrictions this was the only way we could do it.

Once home we told people to phone or text dh if they wanted to come over. The doors were locked the phone was taken off the hook. It still got manic and for the first 10days their was not a day went by without visitors.

This time we will be doing the hospital visits the same and then I will be even more strict as I have ds to get used to the baby before everyone else starts to make a fuss. I will be going to bed with baby when it's asleep come hell or high water and I will be feeding away from visitors.

I know we will have issues with mil but she's going to have to suck it up.

I am SO stressed about this and DC2 is arriving on Friday!

Am happy for ILS to visit in hospital (set times of 30 mins, thank fuck), and to stay for an hour or so when they drop DC1 back. Then I want a few days with DH, DC1 and DC2. Not mega demanding, just 3 days which after an ELCS is fair enough, IME.

My DPs live 6 hours away and have just announced that they've sorted travel and hotel to come up over those 3 days! At least not staying with us, and say it's important we have time alone. Yeah right! They will be here daily, if not for long. And I will feel guilty asking them to leave. Have asked them to come up 5 days after I get home instead. DM is convinced I will need her help more, and has even asked if I'd like her to be present at the birth, or wait at the hospital.

Basically, I will have to say no to visitors and feel like a real bitch that they have spent £££ they don't really have to hang around a travelodge in my small town OR suck up the visiting. And then the ILS will want to come too as they'll think it unfair they have to stay away for 3 days!!!

With hindsight dh and I really wish we had been firmer and not relied on people to be reasonable. Don't have people staying even if you have to lie and say mw said so. I spent my whole pregnancy stressed about pil being here and it turned out I was right to be. I wish we had done something like write letters outlining what we wanted,

OP, I'm beginning to worry about this. I'm due 23rd Dec and hoping that if LO comes on time then people will be so busy sorting out christmas that they will naturally leave us for a bit. My family (not very big in this country) and friends will all ring first and respect that I will need tome to get used to this major change. Bit worried about DP though. He has a big family who are all excited and will want to come round. I don't mind this, but I want it to be measured, and not feel pressure to entertain people day and night. Think I'm going to have to have the conversation with DP soon but I know its going to end up in an argument....

I too am fearing family invasion. Am due just before Christmas & have family coming from Australia specifically. Despite having told them it would be easiest & less stressful to wait until January they have chosen to come early December till January! Thankfully not staying with me, but really I am furious. They will be here all the time I know it. We want a few days at least to settle together, just dp, lo and me but already I have had to email & say I'm not hosting Christmas or anything for that matter. As for the birth, if they think they will be there for that they're in for a shock. I'm thrilled they're excited, but seriously, I'm either going to be heavily pregnant & immobile or knackered with a new baby, wtf are they thinking coming this early? And this is after phone conversations & emails saying don't come until after lo arrives!! Have made dp swear he won't call them when I go into labour. Am 37 weeks now & finding it impossible to sleep as it is, the idea if coping with that & visitors watching me for any signs is enough to make me scream. Maybe I could just pretend to be out......for all of December?

Oh no!! 2blessed and Daffy- I hate confrontation and as you say, it's knackering not sleeping in the late stages of pregnancy anyway let alone having to appease every-one else!

I'm leaving all the difficult conversations to my hubby. My Mum is luckily very good and will happily tell every-one to leave well alone.

It's a diplomatic mine-field.

Wishing us all luck!!xx

Twitchy- You're a woman who's done this before. I like the idea of alternate days visiting. I had severe pre-eclampsia after birth last time so am going to play that card- professionals have advised to have time to recover before visitors and allow family in the hospital where there's a finite visiting time.

Assertiveness ladies!! That's what we need.

Daffy- I cant believe your Australian rellies are so inconsiderate too. Lets hope they have xmas shopping and lunch elsewhere booked.

I told everyone in advance not to visit me in hospital. I also told the midwives afterwards that I had told everyone no visitors because I wasn't feeling up to it and to please turn away anyone that showed up. They were quiet happy to do this. I'm glad I did ask them to, because despite what I had said, some people still turned up at the hospital hoping to be the first to see the new baby.

At home I simply didn't answer the door to any visitors who hadn't been agreed to in advance.