worried about my partners behaviour...

[Lovelylace]

I am 23 weeks pregnant after me and my partner have tried for a long time, which is great. He is in most way a perfect guy, he looks after me and we have been together for 12 years and I feel I know him pretty well..However, we both used to be quite keen on a good party and perhaps both of us liked a drink a tad too much, I have over the last three years of trying for a baby cut down on my alcohol consumption massively and now not drinking at all. He likes going to the pub for a couple of pints, and even though it doesent happen every day he drinks something most days. But about twice a month or so he goes out in London with his friends and not only have I started to not trust him when he is out and i have to say that I have gone through his phone a few times finding him making arrangements with girls that he knows, but he knows i think they are a bit of silly slappers, gold diggers and never have bothered to get a proper job and he ends up paying for most of their drinks.. and he lies about seeing them, i.e wont tell me they have been there.. I also have found text messages to other girls that I have confronted him with but he alwasy says it means nothing..anyway i am not jealous and not usually this distrusting, but over the last few years not only this have happened but when he comes home at about 4 in the morning he cannot seem to stop drinking he will continue on his own, last night he drank most part of a bottle of whiskey and watching porn on the internet until 10 in the morning. Two weekends ago we were both supposed to go out, but as I was getting ready I had a small bleed so I decided to to into A and E on my own and we spoke on the phone and I said i woudl appreciate if he would come home in a sensible time but he turns up at three am, and then proceeds to continue drinking yet another bottle of wine and then almost pass out, in the morning I had another small bleed and had to go into a and e on my own again, luckily there was no problem, but I am now starting to think that this is not really the kind of man I want in me and my babies life...I dont know about alcoholism, but surely there must be a problem when someone dont know how to stop drinking, and I find it really hard to talk to him about this, as he tedns to get really defensive and turn it around so that is seems like I am the one with a problem, and he is just having a bit of fun with his friends and I should not be controlling, but my father was an alcoholic and I really do not want my baby ever to see his father in that state.

Sorry, I really don't have any advice as I have never been in this position, but it can't go on.

You need to get really firm with him. Now.

I know, I said last time when I had to go to A and E on my own that I wouldn't tolerate this happening again, but I have no family over here, and I have two horses, a dog and two cats, which makes it very hard to just turn up and stay at a friends house for a bit as well..
last time he felt so ill afterwards he said he didnt want to drink no more but he obviously couldnt stick to that for more than two weeks..now it is 5 in the afternoon and he has just got up, we dont talk at the moment, and I just dont want to do this with a baby..

Why don't you suggest going to counselling?

WendyWillow, do you know more about this, councelling for drinking? or for us as a couple? He says he just has a night out, and when we were young and carefree we used to party quite hard and then the next day was a bit of a write off, but he is 45 now and surely this is not normal behaviour? I know I have grown out of it, but perhaps his nights out are more important to him than me and the baby?

You don't need to be going anywhere. If anyone is having some time out, it should be him.

I would be asking him to get some help for his drinking, and telling him you won't be putting your own child what you went through with an alcoholic father. He needs to sort himself out now, while there is still time. He won't like you telling him this, but it needs to be said.

He is an alcoholic my love, and things won't get better until he wants them to. It's not really a case of his nights out being more important - it's that he is addicted and can't see it, and that's why he manages to turn everything around so that you're in the wrong. Things might have to get an awful lot worse before he realises that he needs help to stop - if he ever does realise.

I have to say that I really don't think you're going to be able to count on him to actually help you with the baby for one minute. His 'partying' will probably increase once the baby's born as a way of getting away from the sheer hard work of having a small baby. And he'll find a way to blame you for it of course.

I have to say, and I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, that I think you'd be better off leaving now. Before the baby is born. But if you can't do that, then at least research your options so that when the time comes, and it probably will, you know exactly what steps to take. Doing the research once the baby is born will be much harder because you simply won't have the time.

All this is from the experience of having had a father who was an alcoholic - I really feel for you and really hope you take at least the last bit of my advice, for your own sake as well as your baby's.

Have you tried Al-Anon? They help people who are affected by someone else's drinking
Google it for your local meeting. Likelihood is someone there will have been in a relatable situation. You don't have to speak & it's totally anonymous
As someone with an alcoholic parent & former partner I whole heatedly recommend them to you. I truly feel they have saved my life

Good luck

is it really being an alcoholic when it is just a beer or two most days and the heavy party nights twice a month? I dont know but I have tried to broach the subject but he feels he has been partying like this for all of his life and makes me feeling a bit boring that I now appreciate a dinner with friends rather than spending yet another night in a club..been there , done that sort of...I will talk to his family as well I think, they are really close and been so happy and excited about the baby, and I think perhaps I need to think long and hard about this..thank you, I probably just need to hear it from someone...

Don't let him think that if you criticise or question him you are being boring, his behaviour is outrageous and out of control, and he is showing you no respect whatsoever. 45 is old enough to leave behind heavy party nights. You do not deserve to have an alcoholic male in your life all over again, you are worth much more, and I bet that deep down you know that already... Good luck. As others have said, it is best to act now, when the baby is born you are going to be exhausted, vulnerable and it will be impossible to deal with your other half at the same time.

Would the label 'alcoholic' help..?
You don't like his behaviour & it's not the kind if behaviour that is conducive to a happy new family life
Doesn't really matter what it's called I think

If he thinks you're being boring & there's nothing wrong with what he's doing, have you asked if he's proposing to carry on once the baby arrives?

It's not great that he chose to carry on drinking instead of being there for you during scary bleeds

I know..I know..Right now he sits upstairs, me downstairs trying to fight the tears and we are having his cousin over soon, so I will wait and try to talk to him tomorrow maybe...hopefully I will have calmed down a bit more by then too..

If you move this relationships you may get more advice from people with experience in this area.

He definitely has a drinking problem - at 45 he is old enough to know when to stop and it seems like he can't.

ahh ok, hwo do you move a thread? Had a word with him just now and he seems to understand that he needs to stop, he looked really sheepish and said that it is true, after that second drink he cannot stop...so maybe complete abstinence is the only way forward? gof I know so little about this..

It may be harder than he thinks. Get some support for yourself in any case

Sorry, no idea how to move a thread

Hi Lovelylace, I've been trying to inbox you, but can't. Is there anyway it might be unblocked for one message - you won't need to reply. :)

I didnt even know it was blocked will try opening today.
I spoke to him and I spoke to his brother who is a lovely, very dependable, and very hardworking man as well yesterday, and even though my partner still is reluctant to admit to being an alcoholic he does admit to not being able to stop once he has had two, three drinks, so we will try to get some proper help as this is probably more serious than i thought.
My father was-is a "proper" alcoholic, i.e he drinks himself to a stupor almost every day, and I used to have to help him home when I was younger and can not even remember how many times I have found him passed out in the sofa with bottles around him. He now have long long periods of not drinking at all, up to a year six months, but always slips down that slippery slope for a few weeks now and again...With my partner is different in that he is very successful, has his own business, and yes drinks socially most night, i.e one glass of wine or two, then maybe once a month, or twice he goes out and that is when it all goes a bit pearshaped tbh. I said to him that I could not have that sort of behaviour with a child in the house, and that I want to help him and not have a massive argument and put down ultimatums and threaten to leave, but this is something we must be able to work out toghether, that is what families do, they help and support eachother. I think the message went home and I will organise some sort of councelling where he can hear from others that he actually have a problem. In all other aspects he is such a fantastic man, and we have a lot of fun together, but this has to stop. I am very grateful for the chance to open my heart on here, I am a very private person, stiff upper lip and all that, and I dont like whingeing to friends about any private problems, but sometimes you need to see things with fresh eyes and you all helped me do that yesterday.

"Alcoholic" is a word that people tend to avoid due to the stigma attached to it. Lets refer to it as "alcohol dependant". To be alcohol dependant, it doesn't mean you drink yourself into oblivion every day, wake up with the shakes needing a drink, or even drink evey night. It means using alcohol in an unhealthy way as a "crutch" or to cope with life in general or specific problems. This sounds to me like what your partner is doing.

It won't get any better with time, as people so often think it will. There is two options really for you here. The first is for your partner to get some help in the form of counselling (cognitive behaviour therapy is very effective for alcohol dependancy), or for you to leave him before it gets any worse. You are right in saying you don't want your baby growing up seeing him like that.

I sounds to me like your partner is using "wanting to have a good time" as an excuse for the fact he is unable to stop drinking once he has a bit, and he continues drinking til he is in such a state. There is a difference between going out on the town, having a bit too much to drink then coming home and sleeping it off, to coming home after a night out and continuing drinking well into the next day.

If you need to talk, please do not hesitate to inbox me. My dad has suffered with alcohol dependancy, and he did not want to admit it, and perhaps didn't even realise he had a problem until one day he had a mental breakdown. Counselling has helped. Please stay strong for your baby.

seenenoughtoknow, have pm'd you
hopeful92, yes you are right, we need to get some help, as I dont think he can stop this on his own, and alcohol dependant is a much better description. Thanks

You're very welcome. It is a very touchy subject for someone so don't be surprised if he blows up when you try to approach the subject. Good luck!

Poor you!

Has his behaviour been heading this way for a while, or has it only been since you became pregnant? You say you were trying for a while but maybe he's having a bit of a panic about how much his/your lives are going to change? I know my partner has been freaked out by my changing body and is terrified about how his cosy lifestyle is going to be disrupted!

That being said, he needs to get a grip now as this isn't good for you or the baby! Maybe you could suggest he stays with a friend or family member to sort himself out, even the suggestion itself may be a big enough wake up call for him to realise you're being serious. It's possible that once baby arrives he snaps into action but you need the support now!

Hope you work things out xx

Have just joined Mumsnet today. Alcohol is used as a coping mechanism for some people and in their minds it is a de-stresser. However, I have been seeing a counsellor and going to a stress management group which has been very helpful. I drank every night and told myself I could stop at any time and didn't need help. That was before I started seeing a counsellor. Check the internet for local places in your area who offer support, not only to the drinker but to the family/friends. They offer lots of advice and are very good listeners.

Lovelylace,

May I second getting in touch with AlAnon, the sister fellowship of AA. I know countless people who it has helped. Ultimately you might be powerless over your partner's alcohol consumption (and a lot else besides), but AlAnon will provide support from people who have been there and will understand what you're going through. Nobody will label him and the focus will be on helping you. Best of luck x

My first thought was that he might be doing coke too, as he's staying up all night drinking. Sorry you're going through this.

thanks you so much, yes he is doing coke too, I know that, not much but he does..We have had countless talks and I hope that he is starting to see my point of view...he is out for dinner tonight and I have had a chat that ended in an argument about his behavious and we will have to see when he turns up and what state he is in...I will try alanon if I do not manage to get through to him..have spoken to my mother about it, and will talk to his family too..
this have been going on for some time, not just since pregnancy but then again I was a tad of a party gal, so i never saw it as a huge issue..but things are very different now..