Visitors....

[xmasevebundle]

This is my first i have only asked my mum and dad to come up, my mum will be present if i get a c-section. I have 2 brothers, i dont even want them to come up either.

A few people will want to meet DS, i dont want anyone coming up. No pictures on FB either.

One of my mum friends has done a lot. Problem is she over stays the welcome, you hint and hint she still stays, her son makes me un easy always looking at me and my booby area! I feel so sad as they will, turn up unannouced when i come home.

Also have a serious issues with people holding him(dropping him etc)and germs.

Am i being abit OTT?

Who came up to vist or is coming?

A friend of mine held off visitors by holding a Meet the Baby party. That way you get everyone out the way in an afternoon!!! I might do the same when my second is born!!

mameulah cometely understand that if your a private person abd don't want people in your house all the time. I'm not bothered really I think get it out of the way in the first few days. Its completely personal preference :) same with the handwashing really. sorry if my post before was abrupt im having a bad day.

I favoured doing as many short visits to other people as possible in the 3 days my hubby was off work and told people it was just a quick visit so they could see the baby because I wouldn't be having any visitors at my house for at least 6 weeks. That way I was able to control the length of the visit and also who and when people came to me afterwards. The only people who argued with this were my parents, who I told bluntly that if they ignored my wishes I simply wouldn't let them in when they turned up. They still tried, but just the once as I stood by what I had said and just removed the batterries from my doorbell and ignored that they were there. Harsh, but you have to stick up for what you want sometimes and if just after childbirth is not that time then I don't know when is. Everyone else completely understood and stood by my wishes.

I struggled quite a bit after DS was born, and introduced a 'one thing per day' rule. So, only one lot of visitors, or a trip out to register his birth, or venturing out to a cafe. Stopped me getting so overwhelmed.

A meet the baby morning/afternoon works really well, especially for friends. You set the time [and place if not at home] to suit you when you are feeling up to it.
We did a coffee and cake morning on a Sunday. All my DH had to do was make pots of tea and coffee and slice some cake. Everyone had to sod off to get lunch somewhere [we were clearly not going to provide it] and stayed 2 hrs max.
Family are different but generally speaking [there's always a hardcore one or two] if you are BFing, you have a great excuse to take yourself off for up to an hour for skin to skin/lengthy sessions while everyone practises. If you are FF it must be a bit of a nightmare in some ways as everyone will want to give a bottle while you schlep about making tea!

Bfing was certainly a great way of getting rid of FIL and BIL - there was no way they were going to sit in the same room as me with a boob out :)

I agree with what you say she has done a lot, but i dont really talk to her.

I hate germs, i previously worked in a care home thats why i am OTT with it! I am very clean person, so is my mum & dad. I would think no-one would go see a newborn baby WITH a cold.

I dont know if can cope with her shouting and her son(who has ADHD) swears and makes a holy show maybe thats another reason, hes always touching things.

Her friend, son, her mum and dad might come up. I dont want a 7 way conversation for an hour.

Maybe im hormonal or getting protective!
I sound like a right bitch

I will do what most said, no vistors until I am ready

After what PP have said i dont think i would put it past her to come when SHE wants.

I have asked for a c-section, i might leave it for a week after hes born until i tell anyone me or my mum & dad do you think thats cruel? As soon as hes born my mum and dad will be on the phone its their first granchild, i understand they are excited but dont want it ruined as its my child not theres!

I really understand that you want privacy but I think that asking your Mum and Dad not to say anything about having a new grandchild is a very big ask. I also think that many people will be asking them for updates on how you are getting on (I know it can be overwhelming but you can't stop people being interested, and lots of them do mean it out of kindness rather than nosiness) and I don't see how you can expect your parents to manage to lie about your baby being born.

I was discussing this whole 'visitors' scenario with a friend today and she said something that really made me think. She said 'coping with it is part of being an adult.'

Honestly I think you will find it far easier if you make yourself cope with the visitors, and enjoy the fact that because your baby is so small you will get away with being a bit bossy about asking people to leave. If you put it off for a whole week, fortnight, month or year then I imagine that one of two things will happen.

1. You will be anxious in the lead up knowing that you still have to get it over and done with.

2. People will know that they are being rejected and will cope with the hurt by ignoring your baby.

Honestly, if I was you I would try and cope with it. I think that long term that will bring you and your baby more peace, calm and happiness.

I have 2 brothers, mum and dad. Thats all.

I have 1 friend who does my hair. No-one has hardly bothers with me while i am pregnant, so they shouldn't expect to meet him when hes born. I even expect the manchild to even contact me!

I dont like my dads family, he nos that mum dont talk to her side. So in reality it could be kept.

I see it as, everyone will want photos and to know the weigh etc. Why can't they leave me in peace?

I think i will stick to my word about no visitors, i like hospitals. I will bond with DS a lot more if he was passed around like a dolly!

Im starting to think im crazy thinking all this!

I do like the going out meeting in a neutral place, which i am going to stick too when she wants to meet DS. Dad said let her come up but he needs to respect my wishes.

Im quite shocked at other PP when people assume they come over and they make dinner and tea? I would tell them to 'fuck off'

Yes i am that blunt pregnant

I am so shocked to hear some of the things people are saying! Keeping your mum and dad at a distance becausr it is your child not theirs - that is ridieulous! You are their child who is now having their grandchild!! And saying people wanting to know the weight, why can't they just leave you in peace? Do you want them to remember that when you are absolutely exhausted and want a 10 minute break? Should they turn round to you and say no it is your child deal with it yourself?

As for cleanliness, I worked in a care home also, so I like cleanliness, but that doesn't mean I am going to wrap my baby in a bubble, how do you think they build an immune system? How on earth do we think people survived 50 years ago without alcohol hand gel.... They're all fine...

Being an adult and a parent is not about saying "it's my child so no kne can share the happiness". I would expect that from my 5 year old niece playing with her doll.

I didn't mean to come across like that, i want my mum and dad around they are the ONLY two people who have bothered/supported me during the bad times.

If i want to 'wrap' him in a bubble for the first few days i will. Not going to argue, i dont like mess, dirt etc.

Why should i let people share my happiness when they didn't care or wanted to know when i was pregnant?

when you're pregnant, it's YOUR pregnancy, but when you have a baby, the baby is a person in their own right and you should facilitate their relationships with others, its no longer all about you and how you feel. An extended family benefits the child even if you aren't particularly social.

Why should i let people share my happiness when they didn't care or wanted to know when i was pregnant?

I'm sorry to be blunt but it sounds like you are using the baby to punish those that were not there to support you, which i suppose it understandable to a certain extent.

"I'm sorry to be blunt but it sounds like you are using the baby to punish those that were not there to support you, which i suppose it understandable to a certain extent"

but it's ultimately the child, not them, who will miss out.

Yeah your right, people who never BOTHERED wont see him.

Why would my child miss out on worthless people who dont care?

I dont want to be around people who think they can walk in and out of his life when they please? His dad, friends and family all have once and it wont be happening again!

but if they weren't bothered, they wouldn't come anyway?????

It's actually very simple, if you do not want visitors, you do not have to receive them - lots of good advice already, you just need to be clear and direct

But if you are a lone parent, and you have the c-section you have requested, you might need help of visitors like your mum and dad.

Hand gel is a reasonable step against germs, but much else will be OTT and not healthy for your baby

And you do know that no one will visit with bubonic plague and that no one will drop your baby, don't you?

angeltattoo you speak a lot of sense. I just think it is ridiculous to expect no one to come and visit. Your child needs socialising! It sounds to me like you are going to be using your child like a new possession - "it is mine and you cannot touch it". Again, like my 5 year old niece with her dolls... Apologies if that sounds very blunt but that is how you sound.

My mum and dad are helping me out, i am thankful for it.

The advice has been very good and i will do most of it!

Im a proud person and dont like to ask for help, i like to learn rather than be taught.

They wouldn't visit.

xmasevebundle who wouldn't visit?

OP said if they wasnt bothered, they wouldnt come anyway.

I said they wouldn't vist.

Taken everything on board wrote a few down, thanks for the input everyone xx

The baby doesn't need to 'facilitate' a relationship with anyone at first, except it's parents. The mum / dad are number one priority, no one else has any right to see the baby until the mum has recovered and ready for it.

You wouldn't invade someone's house if they'd just had major surgery, same goes for new parents / babies.

xmaseve I do hope you get the help you need and not a stream of visitors when you are vulnerable and recovering. Things settle down in time so you will be able to see people, but I'm on the side of letting mums / dads play it by ear and family members waiting until it's ok to visit.

Meglet, no, but the baby WILL miss out on extended friends/family later if people are kept away at first, its not an easy thing to undo

I'm in a similar position to Xmas and agree with her completely. I had visions of my ex's mum turning up as I was having my final push, her walking in, picking up baby, ignoring me and saying how much her new grandson was like her perfect son. My ex.

Luckily they are no longer on the scene.
After my ex moved out, they let their ds, (my ex) take away the bed I was sleeping on - out of sheer spite and left me sleeping on an uncomfy sofa for two weeks (they didn't need the bed I was using, they just wanted to hurt me and get back at me). At the time I was off sick with bad pgp so taking the bed was a really low thing to do.

If they dare turn up to see the baby after he is born they will be very unlucky.

You may say the baby will miss his extended family and the advantages this brings, but in my eyes, they didn't care about him when he was inside me, they made us sleep on the sofa and made sure I was uncomfortable and under unnecessary stress, which would have a negative effect on the baby.

My baby doesn't need to be around people as nasty and cruel as that.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant there!

But I agree with Xmas. It's her baby and she should do what she wants.