Worried about DH during labour...weird, sorry!

[spg1983]

Hi,

I'm currently 23w and having a lovely pregnancy so far. This is my first so have never experienced it before, was expecting it to be scary and really hard work but so far, so good.

My issue is that I would love to try and have as natural a birth as possible. Obviously if something medical prevents that then so be it but I'm looking into ways of helping myself to be as relaxed as possible and able to manage it for as long as possible without medication.

What I'm worried about is my DH. He is lovely but I am pretty sure that he has some kind of attention deficit disorder. He's very active, impulsive and easily bored and quite frankly, he needs entertaining pretty much all the time as he doesn't cope well with boredom and will often end up doing silly things if he's bored which then frustrates me as there's then a resulting mess/breakage to clear up. For instance, last night we went to a restaurant for a meal, after we'd ordered I expected to sit and chat but he got bored and ended up studying the kids menu and then begging me to test him on it to see how well he's memorised it.

I do talk to him about labour and am trying to get through to him just how calm I need it to be, and that it may be boring for him but please could he put me first and focus on helping me where possible. He then mentioned he'd be in charge of music...as long as he got to skip tracks he found boring (grrr!). He can't sit down long enough to read a book - surprising as he's a highly educated man but he just can't concentrate enough. TV is a nightmare as he flicks from channel to channel. Then he said he'd bring along a pack of cards so we could play that - I said ok as long as he stopped when I needed to, but he said he couldn't stop in the middle of a series of games!!

I think part of this is me panicking but I just want to be able to concentrate on getting through the pain. I mentioned I was interested in hypno birthing and e laughed at me and said that wasn't going to work because he'd get too bored if I decided to 'zone out' and not include him.

Please tell me he won't be like this when the time comes and that he'll magically turn into the most supportive husband ever...please?!

If you do hypnobirthing then you need a birth partner to do classes with you and they become your coach during labour. I think you might want to consider your mil for this rather than your partner as he sounds like he wouldn't be able to focus on you the way you need your hypno coach to.

Fwiw I couldn't have got through my labour without having done the hypno. Money well spent

Thanks panic that was useful. I have spoken to him and he just doesn't seem to be giving me the right answers to calm me down, hence posting on MN as a kind of last resort.

In my OP I kind of tried to describe it, the 4th and 5th paragraphs are what happened when we discussed it last night. I just don't know if he's joking or not - I hope that in this kind of situation he'll be great but I just have this niggling doubt that he'll genuinely struggle with it. I managed to dislocate my shoulder a few months ago and ended up in a brace which totally immobilised my right shoulder and arm in a weird outward-facing position for 6 weeks afterwards and it was really hard to convince him that I was in pain and needed help with dressing/washing etc. He did help but very grudgingly and did the bare minimum, i.e. whilst keeping his eyes on the tv, held the end of a sleeve while I painfully wiggled my way in/out of it rather than guiding it over my arm etc. But labour is very different to that I guess and hopefully the next few weeks will give me time to get the message through to him.

I'd definitely rope in MIL - she'd probably be absolutely chuffed to be asked. If that's not possible, brief the MW as soon as you get to the hospital - just say your DH is a bit fidgety and it might be worth her suggesting a walk around for him now and again. He might surprise you though, he might be an absolute star. I just ignored my DH completely when I was in labour - he could have been starkers waggling his willy around and I'd not have noticed!

I don't think there'd be any problem with asking the ex-wife by the way.

Thanks all, I'll definitely take use all of the advice you've offered. I do feel a bit guilty for writing all this - DH has never let me down in the past but hopefully you can all forgive me for being a bit jittery over this one - it's the biggest thing I've ever done and maybe I'm more worried than I thought I'd be...!

It's normal to get worked up about the labour. You just don't know how it'll go and it's hard not to worry about it. Chances are it'll all be fine. Good luck!

Our H's sound very similar spg. Mine would say things like that, they are 'jokes'. You are meant to laugh at them, not take them seriously. Apparently!!! Mine is also rubbish at helping me when I'm injured, but the time I had an accident he stepped up, cancelled a major business deal meeting and held my hand for half a day until a slot came free in surgery. No jokes either!

Give him the benefit of the doubt, you might be pleasantly surprised, and if the worst comes to the worst and he is being a nuisance the midwives will send him out.

I'm sure he is as excited and nervous as you are. My BIL told me that the birth of his child was the best and worst day of his life - best for obvious reasons, worst because he had to watch the person he loved suffering and couldn't take the pain himself. It's tough on the dads too.

I was thinking the DH bashing here was OTT at first, but what you've said about him after you hurt your shoulder is bothering me. What if you have a section, or a lot of stitches, or find bf painful (not trying to scare you, but they are all possibilities)? You need him to support you through those bits, and if he won't I think you need backup at home.
You also need to not be worried about him creating work at home for you once you've got a newborn. If you genuinely get on well with his ex I'd consider a full and frank discussion with her and then and even fuller and franker discussion with him about how it's going to be. Good luck.

Send him off on jobs... I sent dp out to make phone calls and run to the shops which left me free to zone out in peace.

Different reasons for me, dp is a worrier and was stressing me out being concerned (yes, I'm a bitch but labour is the one time it's perfectly acceptable to be one!)

Doula. He sounds like he'd be a DREADFUL birth partner and you'd spend all your time managing/placating him or trying to ignore him. You need someone quiet and nurturing who will anticipate your needs before you have and meets them without fuss. You may of course end up with a long induction or epidural and welcome chatting and playing cards with DH, but you're not giving yourself much of a chance to have a calm quiet birth with a hyper chatty husband bouncing off the walls! Get a doula, explain your concerns and she can support you AND unobtrusively manage him and you can really enoy meeting your baby together. Good luck!

My DP generally has a short attention span for things and gets bored easily, although he's very professional at work (we also work together).
I had a very very long labour which meant I didn't sleep for three nights and he got very little sleep for those three nights. To be honest he wasn't amazingly supportive during labour, but I think it was mainly to do with him being so exhausted. He was better than I expected though and I think it was because it was totally different to being bored at home. We ended up having my mum there too (not planned but just through circumstance) and I think it was helpful for him to know he could go for a walk or to get food or whatever without worrying about leaving me. I didn't really notice what he was doing during those late stages as I was too focused on contractions.

You may well find the same, assuming he's not being out rightly annoying, you'll probably still be so focused on your body that him sitting and messing about on his phone/iPad/whatever will be fine.

I'd also suggest not going into hospital until you absolutely need to. That way you have a bit less time in the hospital where he will get especially bored and possibly irritating to you. If you feel comfortable with havin your MIL there then suggest to her that you may wan to call on her for extra support.

I would definitely talk to his ex too.