Gender disappointment

[notanotherboy]

I have just come back from my 20 week scan and have found out that I am having a boy. I already have a son and I was really hoping that this was a girl - I can't explain why, but I just really wanted a daughter.

I feel so so guilty about feeling this way, especially as the baby appears healthy, but I just can't help the way I feel. I don't want to feel like this, but I have cried all the way home from the hospital and still in tears now.

I think it is perhaps the fact that this is my second child, and I always only wanted two children, so I feel that this was my "last chance" and now I will never be mum to a girl.

I know that on paper this looks incredibly selfish, but I honestly can't get my head around this so please don't give me a hard time as I feel really bad as it is.

Has anyone else been in the same boat?

I've read many threads on here about gender disappointment - don't feel bad and don't feel alone.

I think it reflects a lot on your relationship with your DM, whether you are keen for a daughter. I am very close to my DM so did want to have that myself; fortunately I have a shot at it as I have a DD. I have met many daughters who aren't that close to their DMs - I haven't heard that said of many boys (except one, but she was a complete oddity who so wanted a DD she completely rejected DS2).

You don't know what your relationship with any of your children is going to become, or what their personality will turn out like; it may be nothing like you imagined.

EugenesAxe - I totally agree with what you say about it reflecting on your relationship with your own Mother. I am expecting no3 and it is a girl after 2 boys. I don´t have a good relationship with my Mother and I am terrifed history will repeat itself. I started a thread about my fears a while ago.

I am nearly 36 weeks now and I would be lying if I said I would have preferred another boy. I still feel very apprehensive. Yes I knew there was a 50/50 chance of either but I didn´t think I would feel quite as bad as I do. I can only hope that once she is here I will forget these feelings I have.

notanotherboy - like other posters have said, don´t feel bad and don´t feel guilty. As the mother of 2 boys I can honestly say it is wonderful. Mine are so loving and not the stereotypical boisterous, never sit still types that people often mention. I love being a Mum to 2 boys

See, my DS is a never-sit-still, 'stereotypical' boy, but he's also absolutely obsessed with music, singing and dancing, playing instruments, reading stories and snuggling up to us on the sofa - so it's not all trains and cars, it's more that whatever he's into, he's into 100% and all the time.

What's interesting is that my mum says he's a lot, a lot like me as a little child (not my brother) - and I've turned out into a bookish nerd - so I think it's just who he is, not that it's because of his gender.

And of course, DS2 will be an entirely different person again! When I whine about DS it's because I'm tired, and so his high-energy aspects are hard. But it's not all there is to him - it's not even half of who he is. The cuddly book-lover is just as important, but I talk about it less because it's easier to live with!

Sorry for the tangent notanother, this is really interesting to think about and helpful for me. I hope you're feeling okay :)

I'm 32 wks now, we already have a DS who is 5,
This preg has been so different from his I really thought I was carrying a girl!
20 week scan showed I am in fact carrying DS2!!

I felt a bit disappointed as like you we only want 2 children and now I don't think I will ever be the mum of a girl,
It is something i had to get my head round, I decided to take DS1 shopping and together we chose a couple of new outfits for his baby brother, it was lovely to do, and throughout the whole day, DS1 was telling me all the wonderful things he will teach his baby brother!
I have several friends who also have 2 boys or 2 girls, and to 1 extent or the other every one of us have had a level of gender disappointment.

I tried explaining this to my mum but she didn't quite get it as she had 1 of each,

Your new son will be much loved and you will get your head round it,
I am now thrilled that we will have 2 boys and now can't imagine anything different!
:-)

something that has helped me has been to think (when, for example, buying DS1's winter clothes) "Okay this is going to do two boys, so I'm going to buy something I really like." - Now that he's growing out of clothes at the rate of every six months rather than every 2 months, I'm buying slightly better quality stuff that I actually like the look of (just got some Boden long-sleeved tshirts on ebay, for eg) rather than 'oops, need more trackies, there's 2 pairs for a fiver at the supermarket, not great but okay'. I have NO idea why this has made me so happy, but seeing DS in (for example) some bright blue H&M cords and a lovely stripey top made me smile because he looks adorable and I enjoyed picking out comfortable, cute clothes for him - I had to dig a bit to get past the sludgey colours and camo and truck/tank/'little monster' crud, but I said to myself: okay, I'm going to have two boys. I'm going to buy slightly better quality stuff, cos I'm going to see it all twice, and there's no reason why he shouldn't look nice just cos he's not a girl.

I think there's a lot more 'stuff' out there for girls (a lot of it ghastly, but a lot of it very lovely) and some of the dreams we have of daughters involves clothes - so it was nice to think: soddit, I can and will have adorably presented sons! I also bought some rather lovely iron-on patches (frogs, dinosaurs, ducks and giraffes, I think) which I'm adding to some of his otherwise quite 'blah' trousers. He approves (Asks for giraffe trousers in the morning) and I think it's gorgeous. For some reason girl's clothing stays 'sweet' a bit longer- embroidered cats or flowers or whatnot. Boy's clothing becomes shrunk-down versions of men's clothing really, really quickly - at aged 2! But heck, children who'll enjoy having a frog on their hoodie should have a frog on their hoodie, that's what I reckon :)

Top places for bright, logo-less clothing this season: H&M, Landsend (not cheap but often have 30-40% off deals, and lovely quality), and some Gap things on sale.

I am sure this sounds terribly shallow - but it's really helped me focus on enjoying the boy thing in my mad pregnant state, so I thought I'd share!

Oh I couldn't agree more with the people who say it is linked to your rel/ship with a parent or a sibling in the past. I have always struggled with a very difficult and narcissistic mother and I think this is the major reason why I fear the prospect of a girl, in case somehow (illogically) that relationship repeats itself. So much so that I even refused to start ttc in a particular month as if we had conceived right then it would have given us a high chance of having a child with the same STAR SIGN as my mum and the sister I also struggle with...!!!

So it is not rational. But I think in some ways we may spend very very many years seeing ourselves with one particular gender of child or one of each, or whatever our ideal, and when that all comes to an end in an instant, told to you by a stranger with a probe, I think it can be weirdly traumatic. It is NOT, of course, to take away from the overall miracle of having a child of any gender anyway. But I think people either understand that feeling or they don't, and neither feeling is right or wrong.

How are you feeling today notanother?

There are some great replies here from various angles and I hope they have made you feel better, my experience is from another angle as I also really wanted a girl and have been told I'm having a girl.

I have never, ever been maternal, I even asked to be sterilised in my 20's but on the odd occasion when I thought about kids I knew I would really want a girl, there are many reasons from the downright shallow ones relating to liking the clothes more, wanting to do her hair, play with toys that I remember from my childhood, coffee & lunch when she's older to more deep rooted ones of having a very awkward Mother who hurts my feelings regularly so would like to raise a daughter how I think they should be raised and having a brother who has been a tease/taunt/bully/pain in the arse to me all his life so not really seeing a positive side to boys.

Like you I felt immensly guilt ridden for having those feelings and would give anything to not have them and think others assume that gender is more important to me than a health which is plain ridiculous but I felt judged by others and myself.

Anyway, I booked a gender scan because I didn't want it on my mind the whole pregnancy or to have any kind of disappointment at the birth, I needed time to get my head around the positives of having a boy so that it wouldn't matter at all when he was born.

When the sonographer announced she was a girl of course I was over the moon but the guilt hasn't gone because I still feel the self loathing over the fact that I had the preference in the first place.
Sorry for the waffling, I'm just trying to say that I don't think you'd ever feel 100% happy or guilt free whatever the gender, you'd either be feeling the loss of not being a Mum to a girl or if you did have a daughter you'd feel bad for thinking you may not have felt the same about them if they had been a boy.

Why do some people always think their daughter will want to do hair and nails and "mother and daughter stuff"? And what is "Mother and daughter stuff?"

My dd has recently asked to have her nails painted as mine are but on the whole she is just a child who likes to play out on her bike or skateboard, make things out of twigs and string, colour, read and write stories. My son likes to do all those things too, including the nail painting.

I don't do "mother and daughter" stuff with her. I do parent and child stuff with all my children - boys and girl.

Don't ever tell anyone in RL as it will get back to them one way or another. I have lived my whole life knowing my mother wanted a boy.

JustFab I think part of my thoughts about wanting a daughter came from being raised knowing my mother wanted me to be a boy (And Dsis, actually. Even though she already had Dbro first!) and being raised to believe that boys were better than girls, blah blah blah. It's made me the strong feminist woman I am today, and I suppose part of me wanted to have a girl so that I could do it the other way, celebrate my daughter and raise her differently.... not to have a little clone who wanted to talk hairdos, so much as to give her chances, self-belief, and role-models that I never had, etc.

What the prospect of having two sons has really made me think about is how the kind of upbringing I had must have impacted on my brother, who was not only under all the pressure of being golden boy/only son, but also Big Boys Don't Cry, Real Men Don't XY and Z, and all that bollocks. So now I'm determined to bring up two thoughtful, respectful, non-sexist men who know that it's okay to express their emotions, listen to the women in their lives, and pick up their own socks. Etc. It's not the challenge I thought I'd experience as a parent, but given the culture of toxic masculinity that surrounds us, I think it's a challenge worth accepting!

Sorry if this is a tangent, Notanother - hope you're having a good day.

I started a thread about this same topic this week notanother. It was not about my gender disappointment but that of others. I'm also having DS2 and most friends/family are openly and bluntly rooting for a girl.

I am very happy with having DS2 because I believe we make people, not just boys and girls.

Also DS1 is so incredibly loving, I can't imagine what more I would get out of another gender. I am very close to my mum but so is my brother. (I'm much more aggressive and alpha male than he is, by the way!!!) And my mum has a great relationship with my DH and also my brother's long term girlfriend. So I really don't think gender needs to dictate everything.

But I think you can only feel what you feel. So don't feel guilty. And I do sometimes think "oh it would be so exciting if this was a girl as I haven't had one" and "oh because I've had a great mum and I'm female I want the same thing with a daughter".

Then I remember that half my female friends have mums that drive them mad. Half my male friends have mums that drive them mad. It's all about the people, not the gender.

So don't feel bad because I don't think you are really not keen on another son from your posts. You are just processing the idea that you might not have a daughter and your family will not be what you imagined. I was speaking earlier to a friend with just one child who is 45 and she is processing that she will probably only have one child. She adores that child and feels lucky to have her but processing that information still takes a while.

Um, I've drivelled on here OP, but the gist was that it's ok to process this. Better do it now and get it out of the way because you're having another baby, whoo-hoo, who will be a whole new starting-from-scratch human being. And once you are done processing, you can get excited.

Congratulations!!
That's a pretty Normal reaction especially if you wanted a girl. Give it time to get used to and get to know your little boy. I'm pretty sure once he's in your arms you won't be able to imagine it any other way

As others have suggested, I think it's worth looking at why you wanted a girl - stereotypes and expectations weigh heavily on kids. I have one of each and I am always saying to DH I hope I never expect more or less from either of them purely on account of gender. I was scared of having a girl but unlike some other posters who felt that, I have a good relationship with my mother. But I only have brothers and have often felt they got away with more selfish behaviour because "that's what boys are like" (my mums words!). It's so unfair and I'd hate to a) put pressure on my daughter to deliver some sort of higher emotional return and b) under-estimate my son, aged 3, who cuddled me today and said "oh I've got so much love in my heart!!"

(Although a bit jealous of you guys with 3 boys, that was secretly always my ideal!)

Hope you're feeling better about things today and try not to feel guilty - you're only human!

I was like you & it was my first! I desperately wanted a girl so did DP. I kind of always felt I was having a boy and even prayed - yep prayed before I had my gender scan at 17 weeks. We were both gutted when we found out he was a boy. It took a few weeks to get over. I literally had to force myself to buy blue stuff. Now my little man is 6months and I'm so totally in love with him and cant imagine him not being him & being a DD instead. I wouldn't beat yourself up for feeling like this now. When your new little man comes you will love him to pieces and won't even care. It's going to be lovely for your DS1 to have a brother.
When babies are babies they are the apart from the clothes the same. And by the time they start to adopt stereotypical gender roles you will love him so much already I promise you won't be looking at him thinking you wish he were a she.
Also think of it this way with another boy you can save money and give him DS1s clothes.

Congratulations on your healthy baby xxxx

Really sorry I've taken ages to get back on here. Thank you for all the posts - they are all very helpful and a lot to think about.

I'm feeling lots better about it now. On thinking about it, I think there are various reasons why it upsets me so much. The first one is that I tend to be quite a superstitious person, and I can be taken in by a bit of "woo", so after doing a Chinese gender prediction test that said GIRL and also my sister had a psychic reading that predicted a GIRL, I think I had stupidly got it into my head that this would definitely be a girl. Seeing that written down looks so crazy, but I think I had sort of tricked my mind into believing it .

Another couple of things that I think are relevant is the fact that I come from a family of girls, and everyone on my husband's side has one of each, so "two boys" is just not something that I am used to. Also, my DH has a daughter from a previous relationship, and I think that ever since I met her when she was quite young, I've always wished that I had "one of my own". Before having DS1, I always found it very difficult to parent her for the weekend and then have to give her back. I enjoyed doing the girly stuff with her, and I think I had always wanted to be able to have all that but along with the affection of a bio daughter. Not sure if that all makes sense but I think it is relevant.

The other thing that may be what's worrying me is that my DS can be very difficult at times - disobedient, tantrums, "crazy" behaviour and does everything so fast. Due to this he is very prone to accidents and I find it very stressful to be around him a lot of the time, even though I love him immensely. The thought of having two like that just fills me with dread. I have a friend with two boys like that and she always looks drained - huge bags under her eyes and prematurely grey. I really don't want to have to scrape through life feeling stressed and exhausted - I'd like to enjoy time with them and feel relaxed and happy.

However, it is what it is, and I feel a lot closer to DS2 now - I can feel him kicking away now which has only happened in the past few days, and now that I know he is a boy, I can buy him a few bits and bobs, although there is so much now that we can reuse. Great idea blackcurrants about buying better quality clothes to last - hopefully DH will see it that way .

Sorry I can't reply to you all individually as I'd be here all day, but I have read them all and taken it all in .

good luck, notanother - I had imagined days of bookish pleasures and maybe the odd jigsaw or cookie-baking episode, little did I know that some children (DS or DD, but certainly my DS!) need about two hours of solid 'running around outside' time every. single. day. or they just explode from pent-up-edness. We splashed out on a little indoor trampoline this year for his 2nd birthday, and he will do half an hour on it, singing along to the wiggles and burning off energy... I suppose that helps!

Also 1-2-3 Magic is just starting to work with our 2 1/2 year old, might it be worth looking into that? I certainly think we idealize girls as 'easier' or more 'biddable' in some way, but having seen how 2 of my 6 nieces went through the toddler-to-four stage, I think we're wrong to expect that! I was told about 1-2-3 by a very harassed mum of a very difficult girl - so hey, maybe it's just the age? Just a phase (I tell myself this all the time! :) )

And yes yes yes to cute boy's clothes. Bright, fun, comfy and above all, nice for them to wear. They deserve it. We deserve it. They'll be teenagers wearing grubby sacks any day now, let's make the most of it while we can still dress them nicely!

I think your feelings are comletely normal, they would only become a problem if you still felt that way when the baby arrives and the feelings interfere with your bonding!

Having a preference is normal, as other posters have said, it is just not talked about. I had a preference and was lucky but would have loved a baby no matter what the sex. That is how most people feel I imagine!

Just read your post above about your friend with boys looking drained and tired. Lol, let me tell you teenage girls will certainly give you bags and grey hairs!!!

I totally get that people have a preference, I think if more people were honest it wouldn't be so taboo and can understand if you've seen 2 boisterous boys together it could be scarey but they really are all unique, my nephew is the sweetest kindest little boy who loves reading and baking ( he runs to the kitchen in any play area) and is careful and aprehensive about things, my dd on the other hand is a whorlwind! My dsis often jokes its her who will leed him astray and she is more wild and headstrong then any of my friends boys so you never know what you'll get
You cant help having a preference, no one wants to feel that way but in sure you will love your little man

Lovely post, Show. I think it is important to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, which helps you to go through it, rather than stop it up inside.

Also notanother although I do know some mothers of two boys who are very tired....DS1's best friend is a girl. She is entirely mental and he spends the whole time following her round telling her to be careful, not to scale walls, not to throw herself in front of cars etc. She has a younger brother and her mother said to me the other day "god, boys are so relaxed and easygoing rather than being whirlwinds..."

So I think it all depends on the child in question!