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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

my baby died... dont know what to do

12 replies

acsr1987 · 20/10/2012 05:10

2 days ago i found out my baby didnt have a heart beat i was 10 weeks pregnant, now i dont know what to do, im an emotional wreck, i had 3 choices, to be put to sleep and have it removed, hav a pessary in hospital and pass it there, or just wait until it happens of its own accord at home. i couldnt face anyone prodding around in there and chose to wait for it to happen on its own, was this the right choice? i feel devestated. i know i can have healthy children, i have a strapping 12 month old boy but i had so many plans and i really wanted this baby.
i feel like this is all my fault, i keep racking my brains to try and remember what i did wrong. i should of remembered to take my folic acid and i had eaten runny eggs. im such a failure i feel like running away, i think if i didnt have my little boy i would just about give up right now

OP posts:

DontLikeChocolate · 20/10/2012 05:14

It is absolutely not your fault. More than likely your baby had a genetic problem. So sorry you are going through this. It is so common, though. I know this is a small comfort, but you can try again.

Sending you lots of love xxx

AngryBeaver · 20/10/2012 05:30

You didn't do anything wrong sweetie. Nothing at all. There is nothing you could have done to cause this, and you mustn't ever think that.
Did you're sonographer mention when the baby's heart had stopped beating?
I went for a late scan at 14 weeks, and was told my baby's heart had stopped a few weeks before. They thought that as it had been quite some time, that it wasn't going to come out naturally.
They sent me up to the ward (I was in bits) and I had the pessary, then they put me to sleep and took my baby out. Then I went home and tried to come to terms with what had happened.
For me, this was the best option. You could be waiting quite a while for things to "start". I just wanted closure, and then to grieve.
Unfortunately, 1 in 3 pregnancies ends this way
Go and cuddle your little boy and have a think about what to do.
(You may also find some help on antenatal tests/choices threads)
Lots of love and best wishes xx

cupcake78 · 20/10/2012 05:45

I'm so sorry! I have also been through this. I lost my baby at 11wks and completely understand the intense desperation it leaves behind. Mine happened naturally but took some time to complete, almost 2 weeks.

You did not cause this, eating runny eggs is not going to cause this. It's only natural to wonder why especially when you have made plans etc. with time this will get better but for now coming to terms with it will take a while.

SavoyCabbage · 20/10/2012 06:06

No, no, no, it's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. It happened to me too and now I have two daughters.

It's more common than you think and the older you get and the more people you meet, the more times you hear about people's experiences.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 20/10/2012 06:29

I'm so sorry to hear that op.

You absolutely mustn't blame yourself. Unfortunately miscarriage is one of those things that you may never find out why it happened. It can be very difficult to come to terms with for a number of reasons, but not knowing 'why' is one of them.

You must take comfort that you have a little one already and you know that you can at least have children.

I've had 2 mc, and the first on particular knocked me for six. I never thought (naively) it could happen to me, had bought loads of baby things which I then had to sort out afterwards, had planned things in my head etc. it was hard to come to terms with.

Take it easy, get support from your dp and look after yourself. You will feel differently in a few weeks and months and it does get easier over time.

Hugs for you op.

scottishmumabroad · 20/10/2012 06:36

I had the same thing last year - found out at my routine 13-week scan that the baby had died at 8 weeks. I couldn't face the prodding and poking either, so tried to miscarry naturally. I ended up having to have the op anyway, though, as things were not progressing at all.

I felt hideously guilty for ages because I didn't know I was pregnant until I was about 6 weeks and did lots of things that you're not meant to do. A friend who is an ob/gyn told me, though, that it is highly unlikely that anything I did or didn't do contributed to the baby's death.

As SavoyCabbage says, it is much more common than you think, and the research that has been done has found that most miscarriages are linked to a problem with the baby's development that would have made the baby's survival outside the womb impossible.

It is a hideous thing to go through. Give yourself the time to grieve, and don't let anyone dismiss your grief. The miscarriage association website has some really good literature.

Sending you lots of hugs. I know what you're going through, and it is not your fault.

Bearandcub · 20/10/2012 06:38

Please listen to the advice here. This is not your fault in any way, nor is it anyone else's fault either. It happens, it happened to me too, I know that won't help but be reassured it happens all the time and is no-one's fault.

I'm sorry for your loss.

LetsKateWin · 20/10/2012 06:48

I'm really sorry this had happened. As others have said, please don't blame yourself.

I found out at 8 weeks that I had an empty sack. I too couldn't face any prodding and let it happen naturally.

I Know things are awful now, but you will start to feel better about things with time.

You didn't do anything to harm your baby.

PandaWatch · 20/10/2012 09:45

I'm so so sorry op. And to all the others who have suffered loss. I was so terrified of this happening because I knew there was nothing that you could do to stop it so please don't blame yourself op.

Please look after yourself and make sure you make the most of your friends and family for support.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo · 20/10/2012 09:49

I'm so sorry you've lost your baby. I agree with everybody else that this was NOT your fault. You kept your baby as safe as you could and you had dreams for them. That's what a good mother does. Please be kind to yourself.

Is there anybody at home taking care of you? You've had a big shock and you need to keep warm and be looked after.

RileyLeeHargreaves2012 · 20/10/2012 22:24

Don't blame yourself!! I lost my baby boy Riley at 23 weeks in April and had a miscarriage at 8 weeks in August I did everything correctly didn't go near eggs and always took my folic acid with my 2nd. I took it for 3 months before. So I don't inderstand why it happened, everything happens for a reason im now in college doing health and social care to become a midwife.

It doesn't really get easier, im sorry I cant lie to you. I go to my little boys grave everyday amd want to break down :(

If you need to talk im hear, I had 2 d&cs after riley but passed naturally with my 2nd one. Stay strong

spottyock · 21/10/2012 10:41

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you.
Please believe what the other ladies have said- it is absolutely not your fault.
I lost our Bertie in April. He was 18 weeks. I blamed myself; we should not have flown, the water in the pool was too cold, I ate a prawn, I forgot to take Folic acid some days, I should not have had a shandy. Honestly, the list of what ifs and buts is huge. But I now know it was nothing I should or should not have done that caused it to happen.
It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me but you do come out the other side. You never get over losing a baby but you can manoeuvre around it.
Please allow yourself to grieve but know that it was not your fault.

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