Reassuring a friend after a miscarriage.

[hellymelly]

My friend lost her first baby last year, she was nearly 12 weeks I think, when she finally miscarried, but a scan at around 8 weeks had shown a slow heartbeat and by the next scan the baby had died .
She is now pregnant again, 10 weeks, and is understandably finding it hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy, or to let herself feel that things might be fine this time. She had a scan at 8 weeks which showed the baby was growing well and the heartbeat was strong, all looked great. I have read that given the scan her chances of miscarriage drop. I've told her that, but is there anything else that I can say to help her worry less? I realise she will probably worry to some degree until much later in the pregnancy, but as she spent years thinking she was infertile, it is sad that she is worrying rather than being able to enjoy the pregnancy.

To be honest, nothing anyone could say to me reassured me when I was in that position (and I already had a child, miscarriage was 2nd pregnancy). Whilst most people I knew went on to have successful pregnancies after miscarriage, and I knew I could carry a baby to term, there is nothing to say you won't have a further miscarriage and that is scary.

However, my Mum gave me some really good advice and this might be more helpful to your friend, which was that yes, it was very sad that I'd had one miscarriage, and yes, there was nothing to say I wouldn't have another. However, it was unlikely - and I owed it to the baby I was carrying to enjoy the pregnancy otherwise I might look back with regret.

How lovely that she's got such a caring friend hellymelly, hope this pregnancy goes well for her

Hi,
My situation sounds very similar to your friends -we had been trying for about 2 years, I fell pregnant last year, MC'd at 11 weeks. Found out I was pregnant again a year later (last February), am now 38 weeks and tired/huge/fed up/excited.

I don't think there is much you can do to stop her worrying at this stage. Although there is absolutely no reason to think there is anything wrong with her or the pregnancy, when you've been through years of thinking there is, it's hard to 'let go'. I think the best thing you can do is to listen to her -if she doesn't want to talk about the pregnancy for fear of 'jinxing' things (I was a bit like that), then that's ok. If she does want to talk, that's great.

For me, after the 20 week scan, and once I was feeling movement, I was able to relax more and start enjoying it. Just let her come round to it in her own time, she will.

I had a MMC last year. In fact in the space of 6 weeks, I was one of 3 of my friends who miscarried our first pregnancies & we'd all took a long time to conceive those babies so it was very tough.

However this year all three of us have either had a baby or are currently in the last few days of pregnancy. Nothing will totally reassure your friend ahead of the moment she holds that baby in her arms, but there might be a tiny bit of comfort for her from our stories.

You can't reassure her, and she'll know all the facts, figures and statistics that support everything being ok this time round. Nothing but having a healthy baby put in her arms can set her mind at rest.

The kindest thing you can do is be supportive, let her talk, give her a hug, take her out for coffee and distract her from it all. I've had a difficult pregnancy. The most annoying thing of all is well meaning people telling me that it will probably be fine and to stop worrying. I'm not going to stop worrying, I'm human, not a machine.

As others have said, probably nothing will reassure you friend other than a strong heartbeat at the 12 week scan. I think attempts to "reassure", while very well-meaning, could be interpreted as annoying. Sorry. Unless you've had a mc it can be very difficult to understand how it knocks your faith in a positive outcome. For now, I'd just acknowledge her anxiety. I had 4 of my 7 pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and by my last pregnancy I was a jibbering wreck. Nothing anyone could say would have helped. I knew the stats better than anyone. I knew that there was a reasonable chance of a poor outcome, and also how devastating that poor outcome would be.

I have had a mc myself btw, so I do know how it feels. For some reason though, perhaps because mine was very early on, I was really sure with dd that she had "stuck", and not worried I would lose her. My friend is very unlike me, in that I read everything about pregancy and know what happens at each stage etc, but she has never done that, possibly as she was told in her 20's that she would never be able to conceive, and has spent 15 years thinking that, so being pregnant itself was a shock.

I will just try and nurture her and hope that she feels better after the next scan, I thought there might be some other stats I could quote as she's had a scan already, but it seems from the posts that just "being there" is the way to help. I am so happy for her that she is pregant again, but am not bouncing about with delight when I see her or anything, as she's so worried.