It's not how I thought it would be - shamelessly asking for a bit of hand holding and advice

[MissingDietCoke]

Hi all, first post here in pg, be gentle!

I'm 15 weeks pregnant with our very much wanted first. It took us a good few cycles to conceive, so I was obviously DELIGHTED when it happened. But since then, it's all gone a bit downhill. I'll try and keep it short... (oh god, just read it back - it's loooooong, sorry).

1. I am ridiculously emotional. I've cried more in the last 4 months than in the last 10 years. I find this hard to deal with.

1. I exist in a constant state of worry about the baby. After the relief of seeing 'him' (don't know it's a him, just don't like saying 'it'!) wriggling about all ok at 12 weeks, I have now reverted to the 'somethings gone wrong' state of mind. Has it? How do I know? I tell myself I have to assume all is ok, as there's not been any signs to the contrary, but I'm not good at it.

1. I scoffed my way through the first three months. I was constantly starving and sicky if I was hungry. Therefore I am a massive whale. It looks like mega fat, not bump. Proved when someone in the office said when I told them "oh I thought your face was much fatter". Thanks. Also, tummy is wobbly, not hard. Finding it hard to deal with the weight gain.

1. I do not want my DH to touch me, it's like I'm turned off by him (this has never happened pre pregnancy). I feel like I am being awful to him, and none of this is his fault. He doesn't understand and is worried that I am so 'down' and 'unhappy'. I can't reassure him because I don't understand why I feel this way, other than to tell him I love him and I am sorry. Both true.

1. The BIG one, and if I'm being honest I suspect the reason for all the others. I am being made redundant at the end of this month. I am quite the 'career girl' and although I desperately wanted to be a Mum, I thought that stepping back on the career would be on my terms not theirs. To make it worse I have 5 months of unemployment until the baby comes. I have been turned down for every job I have applied for (which is loads) - everything from a £40/hour contracting job in my field - which I was totally qualified and right for, to a £6.50/hour admin job - because I don't have relevant experience. I refuse to lie about my pregnancy to prospective employers for a number of reasons. It's partly the money (or lack of) that I'm worried about, it's partly the mourning the ending of my career on terms forced upon me, and it's partly that its really knocked my self confidence. I think the latter is possibly the crux of it.

Hmm, it's helped me write this down actually.
DH thinks I should talk to the midwife about seeing someone re possible 'depression' but this seems a bit serious and over the top?
Does anybody have any advice or similar stories that might help me?

Thanks in advance. Apologies for sounding so bloody self pitying when I should be happy and glowing (apparently).

Aw! Right, numbers 1 through to 4 sound perfectly normal, if unpleasant, to me. Be nice to yourself. You are allowed to cry like a baby, eat like a pig, and refuse to submit to your husband (as one midwife phrased it to me!).

You got pregnant quite quickly in the scheme of things, and now another life changing event has happened to you. That's a lot of complete and utter world changing stuff there. You are reeling, of course you are. I think you are also experiencing discrimination of the basis of your pregnancy, and might need to think about a few saving lies or think about what else you can do for the next few months.

but there is no shame in sharing how you're feeling with the midwife. You aren't wasting anyone's time. It might help to chat it all out in rl too. don't tell anyone, but have a little hug.

1, 2, 3 and 4 are all completely normal. For 2, you'll start feeling the baby move soon and that will be reassuring. The early period where you have no idea whether things are still ok is very difficult. For 3, it is hard dealing with the weight gain, but you're pregnant and it happens. It's not forever though, and you can lose it again. I had to say to myself 'I'm not going to worry about my weight till X months post birth' and then just concentrate on other things. You may find the weight comes off relatively easily post-birth anyway.

5 sounds very difficult to deal with. Is there anything you could do to fill the gap in meantime like volunteer work? If you want something challenging, how about working for CAB or similar?

Firstly congratulations on your bump!. Everything you described in points 1-4 (except the eating as I was horrendously ill with morning sickness for the first 12 weeks) is pretty much how I felt about pregnancy!

However once I had my 20 week scan I started to worry less about baby. Also around this time I started to feel like I had more energy, more level headed and less crazy hormonal (although the crazy hormonal bit came back in the last 4 weeks).

Its a massive life shift so don't be so tough on yourself! weight wise, just eat normally and allow yourself the occasional treat. You will be surprised how much goes after birth in baby weight, water and BF (if you choose to).

Have you considered doing some pregnancy yoga etc? It might be good to meet some other mums and swap experienced, build friendships- you could always meet these new friends with partners so they can share experiences too? I did NCT classes which were a great way of meeting people...

As for your work- could you do some voluntary work while you job hunt? It would expand your CV and show potential employers your work ethic and that you are still active? Sorry for the long post- hope it helps!

I was an emotional train wreck for the first four months of my (much wanted) pregnancy and I didn't have any of the redundancy stuff to deal with. You are completely normal but clearly also having a rough time. Your DH sounds nice and talking to the midwife is a sensible suggestion.

With the weight gain thing, are you doing any exercise? I found that this helped me feel like I had things under control.

As for the job thing; no helpful suggestions I'm afraid. Just wishing you lots of luck.

A final thought. One morning during the seventeenth week of my pregnancy I suddenly woke up feeling energised, happy and completely positive about everything. This lasted pretty much up to the birth; with a bit of luck you'll get some of those hormones soon. xx

Awwww emotional emoticon
Thank you all for taking the time to reply, reassuring me that I am 'normal' and for the support accepts whiteshoes sneaky hug gratefully

Volunteering is a great idea noblegiraffe and resi I'll look into it.

And Coops I really hope that happens!!

I'll try and keep my chin up and be grateful that I'm pregnant, have a lovely DH, family and friends and count my blessings, and not dwell on the loss of job, car and material things. Promise.

Don't worry about over eating. I too scoffed my way through trimester 1 - it was all I could do to stop the nausea. My eating habits were disgusting (crisps, McDonalds) and I was so ashamed, especially when it laid down as fat and I could no longer get my old knickers on etc.

But I became full of energy at about week 17 and my appetite also plummeted. I have since been feeling great.

Just listen to your body, it knows what to do. You'll be fine in a few weeks.

All totally normal as eveyone else has said. The best bit of pregnancy in my experience (no.3 due in 4.5 wks) is the part from about 16/18 wks through to 30 wks. That's when the whole 'blooming' thing has kicked in for me on all 3 occasions and I found I couldn't get enough of my DH through that time and still now really, though not as easy to manoeuvre these days!

Regarding your redundancy. Check out your legal position carefully and your eligibility for benefits. You may find that you are in fact able to claim JSA and then Maternity Allowance so you would still have an income of your own.
I had to leave my job when DC1 was 18 mths and fell pg with DC2 almost imediately - not quite the plan as I was job hunting. I claimed JSA up until I was about 7/8 months pregnant when I had to transfer to MA (which is about twice the rate of JSA).

I've been a SAHM for 2.5 years now and I honestly love it. I had to leave a well paid, senior position and at the time I worried I would somehow feel diminished as a person by not working - but this has not been the case at all. My life is very fullfilling, things are different but equally as good as when I was working (better if I'm truthful).

As you said yourself while a lot of the emotions you're experiencing right now go hand in hand with pregnancy (especially first time around) the work/lack of work situation is feeding into them. Keep in touch via the internet with what's happening in your industry and keep looking for jobs - which you'll have to do on JSA anyway - I've always found that looking for jobs helps me feel connected to the world of work and I often find things I would apply for if circumstances were different, which makes me feel encouraged that one day when I do return there are jobs out there I could do.

But remember the important job you're doing at the moment of growing a new human being, you can cross all other bridges as they come.

Very best wishes with everything.

awwww here you go and here

All normal, all to be expected due to life changing stuff happening.

You did get pregnant quickly and the redundancy is looming so its allot to get your head around.

BUT good news is that you will soon be feeling your baby move and kick and your 20 weeks scan is coming up so you will see your baby again and that is so reassuring.

We all feel a bit like you are feeling so its perfectly ok and its all normal

ps my belly wobbles too and im 20 weeks!

I felt exactly the same as points 1-4 as well. I'd say I had mild depression / feeling very down for a few weeks 6-14 weeks or so - eg some days found it very hard to do anything at all. I don't think point 5 is responsible for how you've been feeling, but for what its worth, I was also facing the end of one contract and seeking renewal/jobs elsewhere. I had a couple of job interviews during the early pregnancy - and no I didn't tell them - it was early days and wasn't telling anyone - so why should I tell a prospective employer when the chances of something going wrong were still high. Fortunately I got one of the jobs but I didn't tell anyone until negotiations were nearly over re the new job. I don't see this as the end of your career - we'll all be working til we're 70 anyway! So what's a year or two in that timetable? In the meantime, perhaps see this break before the baby comes as a sabbatical/gap year(?) and use the time to do volunteering/develop skills/hobbies etc that will be useful when you go back to work/when you have the baby.

Hi - I sympathise and can identify with lot of the things you mention. Do you by any chance work in IT? If so, please let me know as there may be some specific advice I could offer...

I was the same with the eating early on I jyst couldn't bear to go more than an hour without something to eat. and more often than not it was stodgy or dairy based. I was also classed as overweight at my booking in due to xmas overindulgence which I never had chance to get rid of. However I feel like at almost 39 weeks my figure had retained some shape and I'm all bump and boobs! My appetite decreased from about 30 wks and my face and hips got slimmer.
Try not to worry about your weight, your body knows what it is doing.

Just popped back to thank everyone for their support. It really did make me feel loads better. I have found some internal vacancies to apply for within my company, that I think would suit me, so I feel that I've possibly got either a lifeline, or at least delayed things and got a few more weeks pay to help us! eagleray I'm in Construction, but thank you. Which as you can imagine is just brilliant for understanding the needs of women, especially pregnant ones. I'm starting to see the redundancy as more of a chance to change things like some of you have suggested, and I'm certainly looking at it in a more positive light whatever happens.

With regards to the weight and feelings around the baby; Basically all of you have said all my feelings are normal and not to worry, so that's what I'm going to do!

Thanks again.

Dietcoke- (still guilty of having one or two a week) Love your last post, quite often just getting it off your chest is what you need. See yourself as a Madonna who re-invents herself every 6 months. This is a chance to have life the way you want it and have a big change and breather if you can.

I left a management job when I had my dd1 and have since re-invented myself in a completely different role. The thing that I did realise is that babies grow up so quickly and it's nice being at home without the pressure of working for a period of time.

Just about to hit maternity leave no.2 in October and am contemplating another chameleon change after this maternity leave. Glad youre feeling a bit more chipper. Expect the hormones to kick in again and at some point you start to feel a little lighter and happier, you know you're out the hormonal "other side".

Completely normal my love. I still feel like this some days, I'm due in 7 weeks.
I think the hardest bit is that first trimester- leading into second. Hormones are everywhere anyway but it is awful not knowing whats happening in there because obviously you can't feel movement, etc etc. I was so anxious before both my scans and had complete meltdowns on my DP before- I'd even felt movement before my 20 week scan but I was still worried. I don't really think that worry disappears, but what I'm trying to say ramble is that pregnancy doesn't come without worry!!
Good luck on the job thing though, I am totally lucky that I have managed to keep my job and still work without being too uncomfortable/tired.

You will start to feel better soon, promise :)