My boyfriend doesn't want to have this baby yet

[janet01]

I have no idea what to do, I am a few weeks pregnant and I told my partner. He said he is not ready yet and does not want to have to struggle to make ends meet to bring him/her up. I understand BUT I don't agree with abortion, I really do not want to have one but I feel unless I do I will lose him?! HELP

What a horrible situation to be in - I've been there, and it's not fun.

But it's difficult to try and give any advice without knowing a few more details. For example, how long have you been with your partner, and what's your current situation - ie are you living together? Have you spoken about long-term plans for the future?
Also, was the pregnancy an accident, or were you both aware that you were having sex without contraception?

In terms of having an abortion, if you "really do not want to have one" then DON'T. If you did have an abortion just to please him, then there's a very good chance that your relationship would break down anyway.
You have to stay strong and do what's best for you.

Your DP will just have to deal with things!

No one can make you have an abortion and its not a decision you should make for anyone else.

Speak to him and explain you're situation and how you feel, if he can't accept that then you have some big decisions to make regarding your relationship!

how old are you both, if you don't mind me asking?

Congratulations btw :)

You only have control over your own thoughts and feelings here, not his.

If you keep the baby he may stay or may leave.

If you abort the same is true- he may stay or may leave.

If you don't agree with abortion and really don't want to have one, then don't.

You have the same chance of the relationship continuing or ending, but you have also done what you feel is right. That is the most important thing, as you wil have to live with this decision forever.

Good luck, MNers will be here to support you.

My friend was in this exact position. She had an abortion to please him and he broke up with her shortly afterwards. She has found it very difficult to forgive herself and unfortunately she is a mess. Make the decision for you as you have to live with it. If decide to keep the baby then be prepared to be a single parent as this is one of those make or break relationship moments. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Im 26w and my ex told me to get rid of it we cant afford it etc.

He earns over 30k

Now im single, got everything for the baby single handed and hes bought sweet fa for it!! Just goes to show you can do it!

I also didnt want to abort as i could NOT live with it for the rest of my life.

I am very happy now, its the best choice i have ever made.

Like all the previous posters, i left my partner due to his lack of brain cells and what he said to me.

We no longer speak but im not the one losing out he is!!

i also was in same situation with my second child i thought about it and like you decided that abortion was not an option for me, so i gave him the option, he either gets used to the idea or packs his things and leaves and i would do it on my own. he had a think and decided he would stand by me. were now on baby no 4 i found that even tho we thought we would struggle financially we never have and we have never had to go without so we can afford things for the children. if he loves you he will stand by you even if he doesn't like it and if he leaves you then he really isn't worth staying with anyway, good luck with what you chose

Thank you for the response! I am 23 and he is 26, we have been together for 2 years and live together. We have talked about a future including children but he would like to wait until we own property in a nice area, he wants more savings etc. All of these things are qualities I love in him the fact he likes to be organised.

We always use condoms because I cannot take any hormone based contraceptives, we are just that 0.01%! This was not a planned pregnancy.

I am scared because it is my first and this is not how I imagined it would be.

I am hoping he comes round to the idea, I forget it is a shock to him too.

Janet01 , I feel for you and hope everything works out. Another thing worth discussing with your partner is that it's hard to predict In advance what is the "right time" to have a baby - if you wait for jobs / finances to settle, you might find that that takes longer than you think, for example, or that childcare is more difficult, or that one or other of you falls unwell ...
There's any number of variables why it's hard to say what's a right time and what's a wrong time. For us, we started trying as soon as we got married (which wasnt very long after we met) and it took longer than we hoped, and even now the timing is such that my husband's work is taking him away a lot more, but we know we want a family and whenever I'd got pregnant there would always have been an aspect of the timing that would have been less than ideal.

I'm sorry you are going through this level of stress. I just wanted to wish you the best whatever you decide.

he would like to wait until we own property in a nice area, he wants more savings etc

I agree with, 10storey (love the Stone Roses reference by the way!). If he's motivated by money, and nothing wrong with wanting nice things, there will always be "after the next pay rise" or "when we have another £5K in the pension fund". The timing might never be perfect in his eyes.

He said he is not ready yet and does not want to have to struggle to make ends meet to bring him/her up

Did he actually suggest abortion as an option? Can you give us an idea of your financial situation (eg both working? any debts?)

He said abortion yes, we both work full time and earn about 45k a year between us.

We have a few debts like everyone but nothing huge.

He said it isn't fair that he doesn't get a choice in the matter, but I havent decided anything yet. Although I will be running out of time soon.

I don't know anything about abortion?! where you go, how long it takes, if it hurts?!

I really am stuck. I don't want to be a single parent, my mother was and she struggled all the way through, I had a reasonable up bringing but the usual bullying from having hand me downs etc.

I don't know, these hormones really don't make it easy to think!

we both work full time and earn about 45k a year between us

As I suspected, him using money as an excuse is a red flag. Would he be happy to think about it again when you were earning £75K a year? £90K? Probably not, there'd be another reason then.

What is his experience so far of friends or family members with babies and young children? Or are you the first to conceive in your circle of friends and family?

janet- I'm really sorry that you were bullied for having a single mother and that she struggled to make ends meet. It does not necessarily mean that, if your boyfriend does walk away, your child will go through the same thing. It sounds as if you are already earning reasonable wages and I know several single parents who have been really spurred on in their careers by their need to provide for their children.

I am very pro-choice but think that an abortion should always be the woman's decision. You don't want one, don't have one. Your boyfriend has the choice to walk away, that's why it's not up to him what you do.

Good luck.

First of all, good luck in whatever you choose to do. Sending you big hugs :)
Second... I'm in the same (or so it sounds) position as you financially. My DP and I earn around the same collectively as you, we have the usual debts inc. a mortgage, car on finance. We also put some money away into savings every month but we certainly don't struggle to make ends meet. I don't want to worry you but I think its worth considering that money and savings may be an excuse xx

If you earn £45 between you I fail to see how you will struggle to make ends meet unless you have an extremely extravagant lifestyle. I think he is just scared -which is totally understandable, you are both young, and it was not planned. I'm going to guess you don't have many friends with children yet? So it's a great unknown.

I'm pro-choice too, and it sounds to me like you have sort of made your choice -please don't be bullied into an abortion. You can do this, many women have before you. He may choose to leave, but he may very well come around to the idea too. Give him some time!

£45K that should be £45 would indeed be a problem...

janet, ultimately you will have to choose between whether you want to keep this baby or whether you want to risk losing your partner. There isn't room for both of you to get what you want here, but as for it not being fair from his perspective, well, you're not exactly both in an equal position; he's not the one carrying the baby with all the hormones surging through, and he's not the one who would be putting himself through a medical procedure that he doesn't want to do. Also, if you did decide to have an abortion, are you absolutely sure you want to do it to try to keep someone who is prepared to put you through this?

I don't want this to get into a pro/anti abortion comment - that's not what your post is about - but I had an abortion in my early 20s as it was the right thing to do at the time for me in my particular circumstances, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I live in a time and place where women have the means and opportunity to do so. But I cannot imagine what it would have been like if my heart wasnt in it. So please do think about the longer-term effects on you from a personal perspective, not just from the perspective of keeping your partner. Will you on some level resent him? Will you find yourself wondering what might have been? If you do it to save your relationship, will your relationship survive and will it be one worth saving?

Janet - the financial argument is a red herring. There is never a "right" time to have a baby, but with £45k between you you are more than equipped to give a baby a good start in life.
I'm about to have a baby, and I'm only earning about half of your combined income, with no savings to fall back on. Yes, it will be tough at times, but babies don't care if their nursery is decked out in Mamas and Papas, or if they're pushed around in the latest Quinny. I've got every single item of baby stuff from ebay or from friends, and it's all in near-perfect condition. It CAN be done.

And on the abortion issue: I also had an abortion in my early 20s but I knew from the start that it was exactly the right thing to do, for me, at that time. That said, it was a very painful time (emotionally, not physically) and I have thought about that baby a lot over the last decade. This is despite the fact that I knew I could never keep that child, and I never wanted to.
I would therefore never, ever, advise anyone to have an abortion if they didn't want to. I can't help thinking that you would grow to resent your partner for putting you through that.
And, again, I think that if your partner loves you, and if he wants a future with you, he will make his decision and stand by you. If he doesn't then, frankly, he's not the man you thought he was.

As Secondsop says, will your relationship be one worth saving if he forces you to have an abortion against your will? You may want children in the future, but a "nice house in a nice area" isn't the be-all and end-all, and isn't something you can rely on and wait for.
There will never be a "perfect" time, even if you did abort this child and stay together, with a view to conceiving again a few years down the line.
Say you decide to buy a house, you'll be saving up for that for a few years. Then perhaps a wedding to save for, new jobs to think about, perhaps moving to different cities - before you know it, you could be 35 and with time rapidly running out, if you wait for him to decree that the time is "right."

I think he's scared and understandably so, but if you want this baby, you can't have an abortion on his say-so.