MIL blabbed about our pregnancy despite being sworn to secrecy.

[Haleana]

I am 10 wks +3 days and have had two mcs. We recently told mil that we were pregnant and swore her to secrecy for obvious reasons. Found out that within two days she'd told the whole extended family and everyone who works in the local hairdressers that she owns. I'm being congratulated in the street by people I barely even know! I feel so violated. When my husband confronted her, she just said that she didn't think but didn't apologise. She said that the reason she told family is because if anything bad were to happen again, they would never have known. Is this even normal? I guess I'm mostly freaking out because when we lost the last two she told everyone in town about it and I couldn't even go into the pharmacy for a prescription without all the staff and some customers offering condolences and sympathies. It was horrific. People I didn't even know telling me how they'd heard all about it because they went to school with her... As if that was some kind of green card to gossip about me with her! I just don't know what to do. I'm losing sleep and am trying hard not to stress. Does anyone have any advice?

I guess you gave her the benefit of the doubt this time, despite knowing she had form for blabbing. A secret is only that until it's shared. She clearly cannot keep anything to herself and I'm sure you won't make the mistake of confiding in her again.

Tell her that you are deeply disappointed and leave it there.

She won't change so you have to change how you deal with her wrt your privacy.

Good luck with your pregnancy

In the nicest possible way, you should relax. You are worried about the pregnancy and taking it out on the mother in law. No she shouldn't have blabbed but if you want a secret kept, don't share it. You knew what she was like already.

You need to do your best to relax and try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Good luck with it, are you super excited??!!

I am sorry she blabbed.

I would wait in future untill you want everyone to know, before you share anything with MIL again, as several times now you told her and she spread things you asked her not to.

I would find someone else to confide in or keep things to yourself.

You are very forgiving if she's blabbed twice before and you still trusted her this time. Don't trust her with any more secrets. Good luck, hope everything goes well for you.

Bloody annoying, isn't it? My MIL is exactly the same, complete motormouth.
I didn't want to tell anyone apart from DH the first time I got pg, but he had to go back to Australia for a graduation ceremony and he told his mum then. She immediately told all her friends/family despite being asked not to - but at least they were all in Australia. My poor family didn't find out until the 12w scan.

Wasn't going to tell her the next time, but I sadly MC'd at 8w, and was in the hospital she was working in, so the first she knew about that pg was that I'd MC'd it. So she told all her family about that too.

She stopped being such an almighty blabbermouth over the next 2 MCs and I stopped caring so much - so when I got pg again this time, I did tell her, mostly because I needed her to look after DS while I went for a dating scan at 6w! I know she's told the family again but since they're all fairly far away I've given up caring. All going well so far - only another 3w to go!

Good luck with your pg this time around - hope it all goes well. And I would actually tell her that you won't be telling her any other secrets in future as you would prefer them not to be broadcast wholesale.

I would be very pissed off. You have very valid reasons for not wanting to tell people you are pregnant and explained this to her. Her behaviour is appalling. I can quite understand how stressed and violated you feel. She was sworn to secrecy FFS! How can she say 'oh I didn't think' and then airily explain why she decided everyone had the right to know in case anything bad happened! I, too, have had miscarriages (4) and the first one was certainly the most stressful for me because we had excitedly told EVERYONE I was pregnant. It was dreadful for ages afterwards bumping into folks who were asking how it was going and having to talk about losing the baby. After that we didn't tell anyone and although it was still heartbreaking it made it slightly easier on me to be able to choose WHO I wanted to discuss my miscarriage with, rather than the bloody greengrocer and everyone else. I would tell DH that you don't feel you can see her at the moment as she has left you so stressed. Tell him he can certainly go see his DM but that you don't want to see her or speak to her until you feel able to. She owes you an apology and need to accept that she had no right to spread details of your private life around the town.

I'm really sorry she has made you feel like this - it's really not on but some people are just blabber mouths and if you knew she was like this then I'm really confused - why did you even tell her?

If I wanted to keep things a secret I would do it by not telling people.

OP I feel your pain!My mother did the same. Told everyone. Even when I went to hairdressers they knew. To be honest I know DM is rubbish at keeping anything to herself so should have known better, but if I'd waited to 12 weeks to tell her there would have been hell on!

She also called me last week to let me know that my friend is organising a 'surprise' baby shower for me in October and was there anyone I wanted there she may have forgotten to invite. Before adding make sure you look surprised mind as I've said I won't tell you.

Then I said that's fine but don't tell me anything about it, especially date to make it easier, she said "That's fine, won't tell you anything else. But I'm away the second and third week so it won't be then. And it's Your DH birthday the first weekend isnt't it. Wouldn't be fair would it then. So get the guest rooms ready for last week would probably be the best thing."

So I now know date too. Have asked her not to tell me anything else, but knowing mother....

She has lots of amazing qualities my mum which make up for this inability not to share information. But sometimes it's too much (showing pictures to friends of wedding dress/ asking her colleagues in staff room if any of their teenage daughters were developing stretch marks on their hips/telling cousin who lives away on phone that my breasts at the moment (7 months pregnant) "are just ridiculous. Need their own postcode. People actually stare in the street."

I know exactly how you feel I'm currently sitting at 11 weeks or thereabouts and when I told sort of partner (we aren't together just now) and he knew about my previous 2 mc and he's gone round telling everyone well it feels like it I went visiting friends and I went to the shop and got congrats and he's told all his side of the family people at work and god knows who else so I had to tell my mother before she heard from someone else and apparently people I dont even know in the academy where I used to attend know about my pg and I was trying to keep it under wraps til after 12 weeks scan and it's getting really fkin annoying frustrating and upsetting he said he's waiting til after 12 weeks to put news of facebook but correct me if I'm been ott but it won't really make much difference and he has a lot of people to work wit (he works for stagecoach) sorry for rant getting a bit emotional here

Did you swear her to secrecy the first twice & she blabbed or did you not explicitly make it a secret those times? If you did, I'm afraid you shouldn't have trusted her this time.

I didn't tell my mum to keep my first pregnancy a secret & she told the whole world. Every time I spoke to her she gave me congrats from people at her church, she'd met in the street etc etc and it wound me up. Needless to say, she had to untell them all when I had a MMC.

However with my current pregnancy I swore her to secrecy & she kept schtum. She didn't even tell my granny or brother, and let us wait until we'd had an early scan to do that. I learnt my lesson - explicit instructions required but she will absolutely respect my wishes if I spell it out, fair enough.

However if your MIL can't do that, she shouldn't get news. She might sulk but she's brought it on herself.

Best of luck with your pregnancy.

God, that's annoying.

I don't think it's your 'fault' for telling her, btw - it's her fault for being insensitive and selfish. After all, she is family, she is presumably close to your DP, if not to you! there are plenty of reasons why you would tell someone close to you - and yes, she had previous, but if you make someone understand that you don't want them to tell anyone, make them promise not to - and then they go ahead and yap yap yap about it... sorry, but how dare she?

I would tell her you are really upset that you asked her to keep it quiet and she didn't - tell her, if you haven't already, that miscarrying twice before was made harder because of people she told (that is really appalling).

In all honesty, she will probably ignore that - she might apologise but if she's done this three times, she thinks her behaviour is reasonable, and won't change.

And yes, you and DP need to think before you tell her something in the future. A cautionary tale - a friend of mine had quite a traumatic delilvery with her first, and as she saw her MIL regularly, she answered any questions her MIL asked her about her recovery, assuming (as I would) it was just polite and sympathetic, and she would be discreet. Anyway... details of her injuries and recovery were broadcast to friends and extended family, to the extent that she was getting e-mails from people she'd met once at a wedding asking her about her restitch, vaginal pain and incontinence.

FFS.

Of course she was in the wrong, but why on earth did you tell her?
Remember this: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

I'm so sorry about your 2 MC's, to have to go into a chemist and pick up a prescription while random strangers sympathised must have been beyond grim.

I've had 3 MCs's-The second and third ones on-one knew but us about the PG or the MC at all, after having our private despair blabbed to all and sundry during the first one. (eg a random stranger I've never met coming up to me saying 'I can't believe they make you go through labour like that, can't they do a caesarian to get them out if they're dead?' in a petrol station queue in a town where my family live and I haven't for 20 years)

I'm afraid my experience with the first one is that some people in my family really like a good story to tell/drama to revel in, and they chose to place thaat above my need for privacy.

I learned from this never to tell them anything I'm not happy for random strangers in petrol station queues to know. Ever.

Recently we had quite a big issue happening at home which we hadn't tod them about until it was all resolved. One of my family took my DH aside and said they felt really hurt that they hadn't been told about it.

My DH said, 'i'm sorry we will never be able to trust you with any private infomation again after the way you chose to behave during Captain's MC. If you want other people to confide in you in future, you might want to rethink your behaviour'

which i thought was absolutely brilliant as its just the truth- not an accusation etc that could have caused a family argument, just plainly stated, our experience of their behaviour. They obviously had no comeback to this at all.

I'm sorry, it would be really nice for you to be able to confide in your MIL but clearly you can not. You are going to have to toughen up to protect yourself, she clearly puts her own need to tell the story above your need for privacy.

PS I forgot to say - the golden rule of all MIL management is - get your DP onside. She's his mother, he needs to say what needs to be said to her too.

If he confronted her and she didn't apologise (what does she mean, she 'didn't think'? Oh whoops, silly me, never mind!) then he should have said 'we would like you to apologise'. It just might have made her take it all a bit more seriously.

It is sad when family members want to be first with dramatic gossip. My MIL specialises in broadcasting private conversations to all and sundry. It means news can only be delivered to her as a fait accompli, like a press release - you can't share worries or concerns with her, or talk through a difficult situation. If you ask her outright to keep something private, she simply starts the gossipy conversation she's going to have anyway with 'you mustn't say i told you because they said they didn't want anyone to know... but anyway....'

I honestly don't know what goes on in these people's minds.

I feel sorry for you

BUT

The only way to keep a secret is to tell no one.

No one keeps secrets.

Soz.