Finances once baby born...

[octanegirl]

Slightly odd situation and this might be the wrong place to post...
My DP and I don't live together. He comes and stays with me about 4 nights per week and I always make sure there is plenty of food in the house etc. If we go out he pays.
Baby is due in Jan; I feel he ought to then start chipping in a bit as I'll have more costs and less income for a while (I'm self employed) but I literally have no idea what to ask him for.
I know if we split it would be easier via the CSA but as we are together - I'm clueless!

Are you not planning on living together once the baby is born?

If he doesn't live with you then yes he should be paying "maintenance" just like any other nrp. Why won't he live with you though?

No - he works in London and I live in the country so the only thing that may change is that I might go and stay with him a night a week or so.

I would be tempted to ask him to pay the same amount as he would have to if going through the CSA - there's calculators online but can't link from my phone (just google CSA calculator).

Good heavens Octanegirl - am in almost EXACTLY the same position as you but had no idea anyone else had 'interesting' domestic arrangements like mine!

Baby due Jan, am self-employed too, and we have never lived together due to DP's job (he lives/works about 80 miles away). He stays at mine at weekends and occasionally we meet up during the week. To complicate things a little more, I own my house but he has no property or savings.

I have started getting stressed about things as will not be earning money next year (although normally I earn more than him) and have no idea what is 'reasonable' to ask for. We do hope to live together soon but there doesn't seem to be any easy answer (have spent the best part of 2 years discussing it)

So sorry, got no advice for you but you have my sympathy and I will be reading the replies with interest...

I think I'd be tempted to go through the csa. You both know where you stand then and you know how much you'll be getting from him, and he'll know what's expected from him financially.

But once baby is here, when he comes to stay for a few days I think he should be chipping in extra for food.

Also if you go through the csa, you'll have a definite amount along with your smp or ma, to calculate tax credits. If you qualify for them

All the best.

Hi OP, I'm in similar position in that dp and I don't live together (no immediate plans to either) and LO will arrive in december. I'm not going down the csa route as essentially we are together and feel that is for when there has been a break up/ disagreement. We are sharing start up costs and dp will give me money each month. I feel fine with this.

Can you not discuss this with him? There are plenty of csa calculators online to give you an idea.
I find it difficult to imagine being in a relationship with children where this cannot easily be discussed.

eagleray that's spooky! I also own my own house and he doesn't but I I've managed to convince him it's about time he did.
It's not easy to discuss anything with him, he's a closed book when it comes to talking about serious issues and clams up. I know I have to though but wihtout an idea of what to ask him for it's hard. I've looked at the CSA calculator but it seems a lot and I don't want to appear greedy.

2blessed how much is he going to give you?

octanegirl - I am familiar with the closed book thing! He doesn't like discussing money as feels he's not in a great financial position. Also there's the differing perceptions of our life - I feel he lives with me at least part of the time as my house is full of his stuff and he makes use of everything (washing machine, storage, etc etc) whereas he feels he only 'visits' me and that he lives elsewhere (albeit in a rented room!)

I think I can only wait to see how he feels when the baby is here as his perception may shift when everything is a bit more 'real'

octanegirl about 100 a month and going by the way we both are now if he's coming over he will bring anything I need.

I think you need to have a conversation with him. I think the csa is only there if you can't come to some kind of agreement by yourselves and you are both are still in the relationship and are going to have this child in your life for the rest of your lives so it may be time to try and open that 'closed book'. You know how much you spend on living costs, bills etc and you will know how much money you'll have coming in from smp and child benefit and for how long.

Don't go csa as they will charge for their service. They are really for chasing up reluctant contributors.
If you are in a relationship and expecting a child you should be able to have a mature discussion about how you will financially support that child. If you are not able to do that, I would be having serious doubts about your future relationship to be honest.

Sit down and work out how much you will need each month versus how much you will have coming in. Work out how much he needs to chip in to address the shortfall. When you start working again surely he will also need to pay his fair share of the childcare costs?

This is none of my business, but I am intrigued by this arrangement - it sounds totally fine for two people without a child, but with a baby?

Have you agreed how long you are planning to take off work initially, and thereafter (i.e once the baby is older than 9 months or so?)? And are you planning on returning to full time work and sending your DC to full time nursery, or working part time/flexi time or similar? How much are you/your DP expecting that he will help out with the baby when he is around?

Just that these decisons are huge! emotionally and financially. And they have a very big impact on a couple, so if you have a partner who doesn't live with you and is reluctant to talk about money issues... how do they think it is going to work, exactly?

I don't know that it is necessarily a problem that father and mother won't be living together full time (after all, mums have partners who work on oil rigs or abroad, it's not totally unheard of) - it's just that it doesn't sound, to me, forgive me, as if you are in a co-parent relationship with this man. And I may be confusing posters here - but early days with a newborn can be really stressful, feeling isolated makes it so much harder - and unless you have discussed things and know you can rely on your partner, then it's easy for things to end up on the rocks.

I don't like the sound of a partner who doesn't have savings or own property (nothing wrong with that in itself at all, but where the woman does and the man doesn't, I think 'hmmm') - or like discussing money or big issues.

Btw, I'm self employed too. We tend to be very self starting 'get up and do it' people - but if you have a more passive partner, who contributes a lot less to the family finances AND will not be very present - this may have been the template of your relationship so far, but I would be prepared to countenance some very big changes once a baby is in the mix.

PS if your partner believes that you are more financially secure than he is, and you are not already sharing household bills and other joint costs of being a family, then I wouldn't be surprised if you have a fight on your hands to get much off him at all.

Do you pay your mortgage yourself, and all other household bills yourself? Can you continue to do this on maternity leave, or its self employed equivalent? (Maternity allowance, which was £125 a week for 9 odd months a couple of years ago).

If you have savings that allow you to do this.... are you happy to do that entirely at your own expense? The 'costs' of a child are complicated, and having a roof over their heads is part of that so generally both parents feel it is reasonable for them to contribute to the costs of a mortgage or rent.

But if you have a partner who only feels they 'stay' at your house, what is it that they think they will be contributing towards? Clothes for the baby?

Sorry, my brain is freezing up thinking about this arrangement!

He actually grosses the same as me but nets far more as I have huge overheads. He is going to buy a flat (at my cajoling) but I wont be there much as my life is here.
He did yesterday suggest a joint a bank account without any prompting so he is expecting to contribute - its just hard to work out a figure. I will certainly ask him to contribute to child care costs once I need help. Luckily for the majority of what I do I can cart the baby around with me - but not all.

I am in a very similar position I have 2 dcs and expecting my third with dp we don't live together and this isn't going to change at least in the short term. Tbh we keep it pretty informal I pay for everything but he buys bits and pieces and splits the shopping bill etc. I decided not to go down the CSa route as we are together and I don't mind him paying less iyswim the money he has he uses for treats and holidays. I would rather keep more independent-a point of contention between us- but for now this works pretty well.

Ha ha ha ha cart the baby around with you! Well perhaps it works like that for some people, but for most of us it would be hard to keep up full time work of any sort whilst caring for an infant at the same time.
You just need to sit down together and draw up a joint budget that will fund two separate houses/flats and both of your monthly outgoings. Joint finances are a good idea but it is important that he doesn't take umbrage at contributing to your household bills while you are on maternity leave. As said above, costs of a baby are more than clothes and nappies, the main cost is keeping a roof above their heads.

yes - I agree with KatandKit, a joint budget that you are both happy with is the most sensible thing.

The problem with contributing to the costs of a baby is that it means so much more than 'kit' (cot, clothes, buggy, car seat etc) - and that really needs both parents to acknowledge it up front. It is a lifechange with huge financial implications.

One thing I would flag up is that you really don't know until you have a baby what it will be like, or how you will feel. You might have a very 'easy' baby who will sleep when you put them them down and cries very little - you might have a total velcro baby who cries a lot, feeds incessantly and doesn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch. For months.

It is true newborns are sort of more portable than crawlers and toddlers, for example - but there is usually a lot of sleep deprivation with a newborn, and things which previously seemed easy (getting dressed, getting into a car, driving to a meeting) seem much harder when done through a fug of exhaustion and with a small baby's needs to meet.

How much time are you planning on taking off work initially, OP? Is your DP happy to contribute to mortgage/bills during that time, or will you be paying it out of your savings?

Mmm true - I'm using my mother as benchmark who was always self epmplyed and had no option but to take us with her when we were babies - she was at a trade show with my sister three days after having her, for example - so she kind of thinks one just has to suck these things up and crack on! So I'm not really planning to take much time off at all - maybe a month. I can't afford to stop anyway!
However I realise its not just a case of jumping into a car and zooming off as I do now....eek...