Nearly week 31, preparing for a newborn having previously miscarried...

[mameulah]

How have the rest of you coped? I find the pressure of other people's expectations of what we should be doing both irritating and overwhelming. I really don't want anything in the house until we have our baby alive and in our arms. People really don't seem to understand. We had a missed miscarriage last November and I know we are really lucky to have fallen pregnant again so quickly. I honestly couldn't care less about decorating a nursery or filling up the house with baby stuff, not until our baby is here. If anyone has any advice or stories of how they coped I would really appreciate hearing them. Thanks...

I don't really have any helpful suggestions about how to cope but just wanted to say that I know how you feel - I miscarried last year and am 26 weeks pregnant now, and I can't bear it when others say that I should cheer up and this is meant to be a happy time. Obviously i am really happy to be pregnant but it's not without a tinge of sadness for the first pregnancy that we'd put all our hopes and dreams into, and i'm taking nothing for granted until i have my baby safe in my arms. I also find it hard when nurses and midwifes and sonographers breezily say, to chat, "so is this your first baby then?" and I don't want to say "yes" because just because the other one didn't come to term doesn't mean he/she didn't count.

All I can really suggest is: try to remember that it's your feelings that count, and there's no right or wrong way to feel at this time. Try not to let anyone tell you that you should or shouldn't be feeling in a certain way.

Also, from a practical perspective, as the others on here will tell you, I gather you need very little when the baby is born anyway so you don't need to fill your house with baby things at all. If people want to buy you presents now, you could say that you would like to see what you need once the baby comes, or that you would prefer them to give presents when the baby is a few months old so that he/she has some new things then.

it can be hard to believe can't it? I've had 5 miscarriages (3 of them missed) since I had DS in 2008, and am now 36 weeks. I started to think this would happen about 6 or 8 weeks ago, and allowed myself to buy some bits. And my hospital bag has been packed for a few weeks as my first baby was early. But don't allow anyone else to tell you how to feel or when to buy. Just do at your own pace. But if i read your post correctly, having one mc is so so so common and the vast VAST majority will go on to have their take home baby. Good luck. (but maybe start believing a little bit and buy some absolute essentials) xx

Secondsop and Jollster, thank you both so much for your kind and thoughtful words. I have been really pleased about how well I have been coping and I really have been enjoying being pregnant. For the first sixteen weeks of this pregnancy I grieved every minute of every day for the baby we lost and I am now in much healthier head space and able to look forward the future we hope for the baby I am carrying now. But people really do expect you to be filled up positivity and joy when you fall pregnant again and ofcourse it isn't as easy as that. My mum's in charge of buying us basic essentials (and I totally trust her judgement) and my friend has an old car seat and pram that she will lend us. I really want for the baby to sleep in a moses basket that my dh and I choose and buy but even looking at them makes me feel thoroughly overhwhelmed.

Jollster, I cannot even imagine how awful five miscarriages must be, my heartfelt congratulations and admiration to you for getting through it.

Secondsop, I know exactly what you mean about people who say 'is this your first'. I have started saying, 'well, I was pregnant before but it didn't work out.' Because I still, and always will, value that pregnancy as such an important part of our lives. But I also think that losing a baby is something that society still does not acknowledge or talk about in a helpful way and in my own very small way I figure that can be my contribution to changing it.

Both of you, thanks again. x

As above ignore everyone's comments. I've 2DD's and have had 2 MC's but am now 20 weeks pg. i know some people have already started buying us stuff (although with this, all going well, being DC3 I don't actually need anything!) I've asked them to just not tell me so it's a surprise after the birth. That way I'm not upset and neither are they.

PS with DD1 her 'nursery' was actually a study for the first 6 weeks as DH was sitting his prof exams. We never missed it one bit. I asked stores to hold onto the larger items for us cot/ pram etc and stored all the essential stuff that we would need right away at my mums. She's great as having had a prem baby that died, she understands (although thinks we have no need to worry) why I don't want baby stuff in the house and why we aren't jumping about screaming about the fact that we are pg... the in-laws on the other hand are a whole different kettle of fish! Goodluck with the rest of your pg!

I've found one of my oldest friends the hardest to deal with on this front. Eg she's just sent me my wedding anniversary present and it's a book about motherhood (specifically, a book about stay-at-home motherhood, which she is but which I will not be as I'll be back at work after 6 months or so), and it would have been really nice for the anniversary not to have been about the baby. And when she found out about my pregnancy after the miscarriage, she was full of "oh you'll be a lovely mum!" whereas I was just trying to get through the early part of the pregnancy whilst still grieving the baby I lost.

I had a proper freak out when a well meaning friend bought me a present at 20 weeks. I held it together while she was here but was sobbing uncontrollably when she left and couple bear to even look at the really sweet things she had bought. It made it seem so real and after 2 MCs I was too scared to start believing it might actually happen.
My mother diplomatically took it away to store at her house.

I am now 32 weeks and have ordered a lot of things but not having anything delivered for another month which is realistically the longest I want to leave it.
I am trying to pull myself together and prepare (I also like to be prepared and have lists and everything ready so this is not meshing well with my superstition!!)

I have no advice really but I do understand, I never posted on my ante natal thread after people started buying prams at 7 weeks!

This is so reassuring to read, I'm in practically the same situation. I'm 33 weeks. first pregnancy ended in mmc last autumn. Moved house now to have more space when baby is born, but a massive part of me isn't convinced it's going to happen

Reading the later posts has reminded me of some amazingly crass or insensitive things people said to me with this pregnancy when I was about 10 weeks... "ooo will you do NCT classes this time?", "what names are you thinking?"... and these both from women I am very close to (only a tiny handful of people knew before it was visually obvious I was pregnant), who knew my history and are usually well rounded emotionally intelligent women.

Beggars belief really.

At 10 weeks (although I had already had 3 early scans) I was still living day by day, as 3 of my MCs showed baby had died after this point.

mameulah thanks for starting this thread; i'm finding it really helpful to share my feelings and to know that others are in the same boat. The friend I mentioned earlier said to me at about 13 weeks "being a mum is so indescribably wonderful!!!" and I thought "yes, I'm sure it is, FOR YOU, but let's just keep a lid on it shall we as I'm not there yet and I don't yet dare belleve that i will get there".

Secondsop, I really do understand. Friends and aquaintences say the most unpredictable and inappropriate things in an attempt to show they are excited, care and understand. So I often I have to scream and just tell everyone to go away. Apart from two wee things that I have at home I find not 'preparing' in the traditional way helpful because it makes it really clear to people that the way I feel is different than what they expect.

I don't know if it helps you or not but when I am challenged on how we are preparing our home I simply, and very firmly, say 'I just can't.'

And another a thing I say when people say 'is this your first?' is 'we lost a baby before.' Nearly a year has passed since then and I am able to say it in a very controlled way but as with all the reasons that I am sure you understand it is really important to me to acknowledge our first pregnancy as a real and important time. And forever that moment will be an important life that has a place in our hearts. x

In the last post I meant to say 'I want to scream...' Don't worry, I manage to keep it inside!