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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

early pregnancy and SIL has just announced wedding date

17 replies

photochick · 30/08/2012 10:02

Im 6 weeks pregnant and really don't want to tell people at this stage (apart from parents and very close sister).

Yesterday SIL announces wedding date is 30th May. My EDD is 25th April. Can't see us doing the journey with a 1 month old (2 ferries and at least 10 hours driving).
I know she we will want us there. Do I tell her now (and risk messing up her plans for nothing) or tell her in a few weeks and hope nothing is booked!?
Advice welcome as preganncy brain not helping me to be rational!!

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BenedictsCumberbitch · 30/08/2012 10:07

Is there no easier way to get to the venue? Flying? Does it have to be 10 hours driving and 2 ferries? I'd say let her know but you might surprise yourself and be up for the trip. then again I did a ridiculous journey with a 6 day old for a holiday so I'm probably not the best person to ask

panicnotanymore · 30/08/2012 10:09

If it were me I'd say great, lovely, we'll be there, and not book travel. She is unlikely to book anything for you right now, and even if she did it would be fairly easy to cancel in 6 weeks time.

NellyBluth · 30/08/2012 10:12

I'd try and have a conversation about when she is booking things, to see how much leeway you have! Or if you are talking to parents, can you ask your DPs parents what they think you should do?

panicnotanymore · 30/08/2012 10:13

PS forgot to say that even if you do not intend to go yourself you must let your DH go (assuming it is his sister). His loyalties will be torn, but you can spare him for a few days and it would mean a lot to him.

BonaDea · 30/08/2012 11:27

I would probably tell, but swear her to secrecy. The longer you leave it the less likely she is to be able to change her plans. Of course you would want to say that if they want to go ahead that's fine and that you'll be sorry to miss out, but that you just wanted them to be aware.

Also agree that in the cirucmstances, you would probably want to arrange for your mum / a friend to come and stay with you to allow DH to go...

oscarwilde · 30/08/2012 11:38

You could be two weeks early, in which case you might be up for it; or two weeks late in which case it sounds like the trip would be a bit of a nightmare. You will certainly need a cot style car seat to take a newborn on a 10 hr trip by car.
I second BonaDea's suggestion. As soon as they pay a deposit for a venue, they are locked in and the earlier you tell them, there might be some small chance of switching it.

phoenixrose314 · 30/08/2012 11:57

Definitely tell them now, and as BoneDea says, don't make it seem like you're pushing for them to change the date - planning a wedding is very stressful!! Just tell them that you want it to remain an absolute secret, but that you are expecting quite close to the wedding and may not be able to make it yourself; but of course you'll allow DH to go.

veggie77 · 30/08/2012 14:18

This situation arose in my husband's family this year and it caused a few dramas at the time, but it's more or less ok now. Just wanted to mention how it can feel from the bride to be's perspective though. In my husband's family, one sister in law announced that she was pregnant and not yet 12 weeks (think she was about 8 weeks) and the baby would be due in July/August time. They mentioned it early on because they were starting to tell people face to face at family gatherings as & when they saw them. On the same night, my sister-in-law to be announced that they had been wedding venue browsing and had booked and paid a deposit on their wedding venue and it would be in July (approx 2-3 week window before the baby's due date).

Discussions then ensued with one side of the family wanting to see if they could possibly move their wedding date to accommodate the other sister-in-law's pregnancy, as she would either be a couple of weeks away from giving birth at the wedding (involving a 4.5 hour drive away) or might have had the baby early and would be recovering from a planned c-section and couldn't come and nor could the groom's brother. The bride to be was a bit upset to say the least, as they'd paid out money and secured their dream venue, and didn't know at the time of booking that there was a baby on the way in the family. They were sympathetic but didn't want to consider moving the date as it was a lovely venue for a Summer wedding and moving it earlier or later wasn't part of their wedding plans - financially or in their ideal wedding dreams etc. The fact that the happy couple to be were asked by their family to potentially change the date, upset them and took the wind out of their sails, as what should have been a happy occasion celebrating the fact they had a wedding date, was a bit overshadowed by comments along the lines of: 'but what about xx and xx who probably can't be there now - if only you'd consulted them before booking etc.'

What it meant was that there was a big question mark in the months leading up to the wedding as to whether the groom's brother and wife would be there or not. In the end, they were able to make it to the wedding and the baby was born about 2 weeks after the wedding. It all worked out fine, but was possibly a bit tiring for my sister in law who was pregnant and had to pack the overnight hospital bag incase she went into labour early and was a long way from home. I'm not sure how this situation would've played out if the baby had come a month early and would then be the same sort of timescales that you're looking at of the wedding being planned for post-baby.

Just wanted to say that there is a risk that asking the couple to move their wedding date might be upsetting to the happy couple. I'm sure a lot depends on family relations and flexibility of the venue, how well you all get on etc. I just think it's the sort of thing that can upset the bride to be quite a lot. Not an easy situation, so I'm not judging your ideas in anyway! Just thought I'd mention that this did all work out ok in the end in my husband's family, but definitely put a downer on the happy couple's anticipations of their wedding. So do tread carefully with the bride's feelings.

photochick · 30/08/2012 16:11

Thanks everyone.
Definitely don't want to 'steal their thunder' or put pressure on them to change the datel. Also definitely would let DH go if I couldn't, I know I will have plenty of support.
Will test the water and she how far along she is with planning as this might influence how quickly we mention it. Seeing Dr tomorrow so will probably feel a bit happier after that.
Just a pain we live so far away (other option is 2 planes and still about 3 hours driving - this doesn't appeal much either - but this is DC1 and I have no clue!)

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BonaDea · 30/08/2012 16:27

Photo I certainly didn't think you sounded like you were putting pressure on! I think mentioning it earlier than later just lets everyone know the lay of the land and they can make their decisions from there, no pressure.

We have a wedding to go to about 8 hours' drive away when our DC1 will be 2 months next June. I am already in a pickle wondering how on earth to do it, knowing that babies are not meant to be in car seats for long periods at that age, and apparently lie down carry cots are not really safe. I think we will have to fly, but then how do you manage with everything on the plane you need for the baby?!

Have decided we'll cross that bridge when we come to it (and I'll just have to hope I didn't have a c-section!).

TheProvincialLady · 30/08/2012 16:34

I'm buggered if I'd have gone to a wedding that far away 2 weeks after my baby was born, and my husband wouldn't be going that far either. Tell your sister in law that neither of you would be able to go on that date, but wish her luck and a wonderful wedding. There are often good reasons why close family can't be there - a heavily pregnant SIL or a newborn baby is one of those reasons. It's not like it's in the same town.

kaymondo · 30/08/2012 19:18

I had this situation! My brother got engaged at the same time i found out i was expecting DC2. They told us straight away they were thinking about a sept wedding - my due date is start of sept. I didn't say anything for a couple of weeks as didn't want him and his fiancee to feel like i was trying to steal their thunder, but once the dust had settled i gave him a call and told him my news. I basically told him that i absolutely didn't expect them to change their plans and they should have the wedding they wanted, but depending on dates and venue, i might not be able to make it. They decided to go ahead with a sept wedding, but in the end the venue they wanted couldn't fit them in until mid Oct so its all worked out fine.

I think i'd tell them, but making it clear that you're not expecting them to change plans, you're just giving them advance notice that you might not be able to make it.

Dogsmom · 30/08/2012 19:32

I'd wait until 12 weeks if that's what you planned to do, even if she went ahead and booked a venue it'd only be rough numbers so far, she wont have to give definite numbers until she's sent out the invitations and received the RSVP's.

In 6 weeks time you'll still be giving her over 7 months notice.

photochick · 02/09/2012 11:07

After a big of subtle questioning it turns out she has booked everything already, so not going to say anything till 12wks as def wouldn't want to disrupt her plans now!

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osterleymama · 02/09/2012 23:10

I went to my sisters wedding with my 3 then week old. She's in Ireland and we drove 8 from London and took a ferry. It was hard but doable and I would have hated to miss it. It was also nice to have a chance to show my son off to the wider family.

I'm expecting to go to Ireland again with my newborn at Xmas, he'll be 3 weeks then but this time we're flying. The travel was the hardest part, if you can fly, do.

phoenixrose314 · 03/09/2012 05:29

I think you made the right call photochick. She will be so excited to hear the good news when you do tell her though!! An exciting year all around!

MaggotMummy · 03/09/2012 06:25

I'm not sure what the rules are but you may not be able to fly that far along in the pregnancy....
Perhaps take a little longer to get there breaking the trip down into smaller lengths?
FWIW I think that you need to take the bride into your confidence, say that you are worried about being able to make it and that you'll have to let her know late if you are in a position to be there on the day. May be a bit passive aggressive, but she has to volunteer to change the date, you run a great chance of upsetting her and this is their big day, you cannot suggest that they change the date.

I am in the camp that would take their baby, there is nothing like an admiring audience at a wedding for a new baby, the whole family will be there..... but if the cherub hasn't arrived and you don't feel up for travelling (there is not a chance in anything that I would have been able to do that journey 8mos plus) you probably have to find a way to let your dh go and have someone come and stay with you.
Good luck daily politics...!

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