Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Heavy Smokers Around My Newborn =/

13 replies

NattyCraig · 29/08/2012 13:10

Having a bit of an issue with the in-laws.

I don't want to upset anyone but FIL is a heavy smoker and our baby will never go round to their house... It is so bad that the walls are literally brown and curtains etc are too... He just doesn't seem to care... He's smoked for 60 years and doesn't see what affect it has on other family members (none of us go to their house, and I actually never have other than to drop a card off)

Now I know once DS is born everyone will want a cuddle... (fair enough) but I really do not want him holding baby... (or MIL) both stink of smoke constantly on their clothes / skin / hair... It just lingers around them even though MIL doesn't smoke.

I can't upset the family and have told friends that they cannot hold baby for an hour after having a cigarette just so that it doesn't seem I am just doing this against them.

Also bought baby a snuggle blanket from Mamas and Papas so that I can put him in there (like a little sleeping bag) and hopefully when they have a cuddle his clothes / skin won't end up on the smokey covered clothing they are wearing...

I feel really strongly about this... 3rd hand / 2nd hand smoke may not be as bad as I am making out... But on my tiny perfect newborn I don't want him breathing in chemicals or getting them on his gorgeous newborn skin...

Any ideas as to how I can broach this subject?

Hubby understands but says he can't tell them no to a cuddle with their first grandson and I will just have to deal with it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NatashaBee · 29/08/2012 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 29/08/2012 13:14

I agree with your husband. A relationship with grandparents is worth so much more than possibly smelling a bit of cigarette smoke briefly.

Original poster

NattyCraig · 29/08/2012 13:17

Hubby understands the risks of 2nd and 3rd hand smoke and doesn't like the idea of it... But he doesn't want to upset his mum and dad, he's a very caring person and doesn;t really like conflict.

OP posts:

WantAnOrange · 29/08/2012 13:17

You don't have to deal with it! Your PILs are adults making an informed choice to smoke, which is fine, but as adults they can deal with the consequences of that choice.

Current advice is not let anyone smoke inside your home or take baby into a smoky environment, then if someone who has smoked wants to hold the baby, they are advised to wait half an hour, wash their hands and change their top. This is to prevent increased risk of cot death. I'm sure put to them like that, they could not do anything other than agree with you. If they don't agree, then they possibly aren't putting your baby's needs before their own feelings, in which case I wouldn't want them around anyway!

suedpantsoffem · 29/08/2012 13:23

I think smelling of smoke is a small price to pay for having a good relationship with grandparents. You can wash the baby and the clothes. It's not as if you're going to have to live with them, so it won't be for prolonged periods.

The grandparents are probably too set in their ways to change now - and personally I don't think it's worth upsetting them by trying to get them too change. Though as a compromise, I would have thought they might agree to not actually smoke in the same room as the baby.

Can you invite them to your house more often, so they see the baby in a smoke free atmosphere (although their clothes will probably still smell)?

Original poster

NattyCraig · 29/08/2012 13:24

"WantAnOrange" - Thanks for this, when you put it like that it does sound like something I could say to them... FIL does not smoke in our house, strictly a non smoking environment, but I get annoyed when he opens the door and stands just outside with door still open! Grrrrr... Smoke gets blown in.

Don't think they would change their top, but maybe an old comfy fleece of Hubbys available to pop over the top would do the trick.

I just won't want to disappoint them or upset them... I know his sister (20 years older than hubby) thinks I am stuck up / rich / spoilt because my parents paid for our wedding and house deposit she felt we were "rubbing our money" in their face and that they "can't help being poor"... (we weren't rubbing anything in anyones face, my dad just wanted to pay for his only daughters wedding and wanted us to buy a house prior to baby arriving, doesn;t mean me and hubby have any money) so there is already a bit of tension surrounding that and the difference in our upbringings.

I don't want to create even more of a rift with people which is why I am so worried =/

OP posts:

WantAnOrange · 29/08/2012 13:29

I do appreciate it is very hard to say out loud and I agree that a good relationship with grandparents is a wonderful thing, but I feel that can only work in the long run if mum can say what her baby needs without grandparents being offended.

sparklekitty · 29/08/2012 15:25

Could you speak to them about the risk of heavy smoking and SIDS? I know it is mainly focused on sleeping with the baby and smoking around them but it might make PIL realise how serious smoking is. fwiw I def wouldn't take my baby to their house at all!

SeventhEverything · 29/08/2012 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetkitty · 29/08/2012 15:32

I had the same thing with both my parents and MIL (who's dead now smoking related). If we visited them they had to air the house and not smoke in it, if they visited us no smoking in our house, MIL used to make this big hoo haa about getting her jacket and shoes out to go outside for a fag, as if we would allow her to smoke around our baby. My Dad still comes up and smokes but smokes outside. The holding the baby thing I was a bit lax about, they hardly saw them and I thought being held for 10 mins by a smoker once every few months in the grand scheme of things wasn't that bad.

Had to wash everything that was bought for them though, clothes twice to get rid of the smell.

Now the DCs are older they will say to my Dad "Papa why do you smell so bad, you stink" trying to tell them it's rude but he does stink.

DesperatelySeekingDistraction · 29/08/2012 16:08

It isn't about "smelling of smoke" there is a proven increased risk of cot death when newborns are exposed to 2nd / 3rd hand smoke. Every parent has the right to assess risks and decide what they are comfortable with. This is not something you are comfortable with OP, so you either need to get DH/P onside or take a deep breath and have the first of at least a few difficult conversations with the in-laws. (No matter how lovely in-laws may be, there will always be some parenting issues where your opinions differ.)

I understand your concern OP. My Dad smokes, and my FIL is a secret smoker. Both were told when DD1 was born that they couldn't cuddle her after smoking until an hour had passed and they had washed hands and changed top / taken jumper off. It was much easier to broach this with my Dad as he is open about smoking and we communicate well. FIL was more difficult due to him trying to hide his smoking (goes to the shop for "mints" but comes back reeking of cigarette smoke) and because he's generally more difficult to communicate with anyway (ignores things, pretends we've not asked him certain things, etc.)

sweetkitty · 29/08/2012 16:57

Yes but the smell of smoke means the smoke is lingering doesn't it?

It's the older generation thing to, they all smoked around their babies and it did them no harm so think we are being OTT after all they don't smoke around them so that's ok right?

I've had it all, I'll smoke in the kitchen with the door open (so it blows back in), I'll smoke in another room, I'll smoke outside etc.

Smokers are very selfish IMHO they will look at you as if you are mad, I didn't do the hour thing as I thought the risk of 4 times a year exposure was so slight anyway, maybe different if they were there 3-4 times a week.

Original poster

NattyCraig · 29/08/2012 17:08

Thanks for your comments guys, to be honest I think at the end of the day I just don't want my gorgey cuddly newborn to have harmful chemicals on his clothes / skin that have come from a smoker... I don't want to expose him to anything harmful... I know in this day and age that is impossible but in my own home then it shouldn't be an issue.

Maybe I am being OTT but I don't smoke and can't stand the smell at all, I will just have to be honest about how I feel but I just dont want to cause more of a rift as I think DH's sisters (who are 20 years older than him) will think I am overreacting and just trying to make sure my own family are closer to baby than they are.

I would think they will see baby once a week at least... Although I do try to keep visits to a minimum they have a habit of just appearing... (usually when I am having a peaceful couple of hours alone and have sent DH to pub so I can have a bubble bath and relax) or calling when DH working away... Even though it takes two buses they can be a bit over keen and I really struggle to converse with them (nothing in common)

I know they mean well, but even my birthday present stank of smoke when I unwrapped it on Sunday so I honestly hate to think what their house is like... Have only seen through door never been in and it turned my tummy just looking... Brown walls, stained insides of curtains, rubbish everywhere.

I'm babys mother so I'm just going to be honest... If I don't feel comfortable with it then they will have to abide by my rules in my house...

Must be firm...

OP posts:

Flip