a rant and advise needed plz

[cbd]

I'm 31+3 with 2nd DC, my 1st DS is completely doing my nut in, I feel like I can no longer control him I just have to say no to him and he gets really angry and starts throwing things around the house, whatever he can find its been going on for ages before I even got pregnant. Tonight all i asked him to do was go to the toilet before bed and wash his face as usual every night, and he has kicked off big style, it took 3 hours before he calmed down. He has been slamming doors throwing toys around his room, tried kicking me, he has even thrown toys at me tonight, he has a toy keyboard and stool in his room and he threw the stool at me which hit my tummy, obviously it was painful but I have a very low pain threshold anyway. also he threw boxes at me which again it my tummy. I was sat on the floor in his room trying to calm him down in between his outbursts. I did well not to throw anything back at him although i really wanted to. I gave him a snack on the bum(over his pull-up) when he threw toys at me, which i now feel guilty about and feel like a bad mum. I feel like I have started to completely loose control with him and at times I just can not be bothered with him anymore, which then gets me thinking that I might not want DC2 when they arrive.

Is this normal to think like this, I'm already in a bad state mentally as I'm under supervision from the crisis team and awaiting to see a mental health team Councillor (sp?) just feel like i could very easy give up on everything now and the pain in my tummy is still on and off, i think i can feel slight movements from LO but can not be certain.

Sorry for the rant but need to get it off my chest.

I guess your son is still a toddler, but you don't mention his age.

Well, you need to be consistent and hold him accountable for this kind of raging behaviour (or any kind of "hitting" or aggression). Don't let him get away with it or it will get even more out of hand.

I think it would be best if you see a child psychologist (children's centres do free sessions.. just tell them it is urgent and maybe your wait list won't be as long. I think even your GP surgery might be able to refer you).

In the meantime, if your son gets aggressive again do this:

1. tell him NO
2. remove him from situation (lift him up and place him in a different corner or room)
3. hold him in place if necessary, look him in the eye and tell him why he shouldn't do this (in easy words)

(others: please correct me if this is not the way to correct unwanted behaviour!)

Also this aggression is probably a cry for attention... so if he is good praise him and set times aside where you play with him really focussing on him.

I feel for you I am too pregnant and have a wilful toddler to look after.

Good luck!

It sounds like your boy is simply reacting to having a heavily pregnant, tired mum. IMO its normal for little kids to act out if they're bothered about something. Have you asked him how he feels? Even if he's very little he might be able to tell you.

If not I'd assume that he's acting out feelings about the impending arrival of a sibling, and expressing himself. Pushing your boundaries to test you and your love for him, is a pretty normal way for a small kid to react really. It doesn't make dealing with it any easier though!

I bet you're tired and emotional - late pregnancy is a trying time isn't it. You mention you have mental health involvement, so I wonder if he's picking up on that too. If you're feeling low, he may well be pushing you, to see if "the old mummy" is still there. When I was suffering with serious depression a few years ago, my son really picked up on my mood.

Little kids are really sensitive to the moods of the adults in their lives. It makes life very difficult when we're not firing on all cylinders!

Do you have a supportive DH? Do you have a friend who could come and take your DS out from time to time? Can you think of some lovely, positive activities to share with your DS? When things get bad, how about bundling him out of the house for a run? He sounds energetic!

Hi thank you for the replies and the helpful advise, my Ds is 4yr old. his behaviour has been like this for a long time, it gets better then he goes down hill again. when he was 2 we had children's services involved as he was constantly banging his head, biting himself pinching himself and the odd time he strangled himself turning himself blue, i had to prize his fingers off his neck to stop him. His whole life he's known mummy to take 'happy tablet' everyday as he even asked me if i had taken it when i felt really low or upset. I have suffered with mental health issues since i was a child myself and also have physical health issues so its hard for me to run around with him all day as i tend to use crutches a lot to get around. I do have a Dp who helps best he can with playing together in garden and the park but my lovely Dp has to care for me as well so he feels worn out a lot of the time as well. unfortuately I dont have anyone else close enough to help out. I just feel like i'm coming to the end of my tether with everything.

Watch some episodes of supernanny. Always the same sort of techniques, and works if you're consistent.

On a purely behavioural level (as we are mammals whether we like it or not!), ANY behaviour that gains attention/reward (as he sees it) will be repeated more often. If it does not gain him anything, it will diminish. If it is rewarded intermittently, it will actually increase more than if rewarded every time.

The reason Supernanny says to say 'no' and give warning, then remove child to 'naughty corner' where there is no attention at all, and simply put him back there wordlessly and without eye contact each and every time he leaves until he sits there for a minute for every year of his age (then he apologises, you give hug and all ok), is that the 'bad' behaviour results in NO attention and isolation socially for those 4 mins. So no reward, and something he doesn't like. The 'good' behaviour of saying sorry gets a hug and time with mum so reward. She also goes on about explaining clearly why it's wrong etc, which is important too, and most importantly that you do spend time with your child doing something special each day, so they don't feel they need to resort to bad behaviour to get your attention.

Now your son may well have issues over and above normal, so the basic principles might well need a little modifying, but they do still work. I've worked with children with a variety of behavioural issues, and they respond just fine. I'll never forget one child who used to shout and do all sorts to get attention - I let him follow me around the classroom, ignoring him, 'till he stopped and sat down. Then I turned round immediately, asked if he wanted help etc, sat with him for five min. Over time his behaviour improved to the point where he just needed regular 'you ok?' checks and he was fine doing what all the other kids were doing. If he hit out in the early stages he was put in 'time out' where he had no attention at all. If he went to hurt himself he was restrained gently but with no eye contact, no verbal contact until he was sitting quietly.

Go to your local children's centre and get some support - there will be professionals who can help you again, to establish boundaries and routine. No one can feel good/ok when their child is behaving the way yours is!

I've been doing the naughty step routine since he was 18month old as he has been doing this behaviour since 18 month, his behaviour can include head banging, and strangling himself until he is blue in the face, I dont talk to him while his behaviour is not the acceptable type, I praise him for good behaviour and take him to the park, swimming or buy sweets as a reward each week if he can be good. I've asked the local sure start centre for help all they say is leave him to it and if i strangles himself not to prize his fingers off as he will stop when he runs out of air, unfortuantely that did not work as i had to call 999 to come help me as he blacked out and stopped breathing.