Unplanned third pregnancy - upset and confused

[ohboyreallystupid]

Hello - I think the subject says it all really. I'm really sorry if this offends anybody as I know that most people on this board have very much wanted pregnancies. I found out I was pregnant yesterday. DC1 is 4.5 and DC2 is 3. DH and I have had long debates about whether or not to have a third - I really wanted to, he didn't - and in the end, I accepted his position that he just didn't want one. I think that both parents have to want to bring a child into the world. Anyway, stupidly, we have been less than totally careful on what we thought were days of my cycle I was very unlikley to get pregnant. Besides, I didn't mind if we did get pregnant because I thought that things would be fine - I thought DH would be ok about it (as he's a v happy father to our existing children) and that maybe he wasn't so adamant about not wanting a third if he was willing to take risks. Also, I just didn't think I would get pregnant. DH has told me he still really doesn't want a third child and my actually being pregnant doesn't change that. So, he thinks I should have an early termination. I don't know what to do.

I thought my only issue was that he didn't want a third and I did (which I appreciate is a pretty significant one) but now I'm worrying about whether I'll be able to give the existing two children enough attention and support if we have another baby. We both work full time so I have quite a lot of working-mother guilt anyway. DC1 is about to start school, DC2 is the year behind and I want to help them as much as I can with their reading/writing etc. - which will be harder if I have a baby to look after too. I'm also worried about spending enough quality time with them. I know people manage (well, more than manage) with more than three children but I'm worried that we won't cope as well.

Every time I start thinking that DH is right, we're all better off as a family of four AND having a third would be really tough if DH wasn't completely behind it, I start sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of a termination. I'm only 4 weeks pregnant (tested early as had sore boobs and felt queasy) so if I do terminate, I want to do it as soon as I can.

DH is being very kind, has not "told" me to have a termination and isn't arguing with me - he's just strongly of the view we shouldn't be having another baby. He's very annoyed with himself for being so stupid in the first place (re contraception). I've suggested discussing it again on Wed evening and making a decision then. I think we both might be in shock to some extent, despite our apparently logical discussions about it. This is so different to the last two times I found out I was pregnant - we were both so excited. I couldn't sleep then because I couldn't believe our luck.

Has anybody been through anything similar? I'm rambling as it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.

Only you and your hubby can decide what is best for you. I found out last August that I was expecting our 3rd. Total shock. Completely unplanned and 4 days after learning we could both potentially be jobless - so our timing was less than stellar. We had both decided 2 was plenty and had gotten rid of ALL our baby stuff. Dcs were 6 and 4yo. Fast forward to now.... We decided to go for it, got all our baby stuff at nearly new sales or from Kiddicare, ook voluntary redundancy in December and am now a SAHM, hubby still working and job secure as can be expected in current climate, DS3 is 5mo tomorrow and is loved to within an inch of insanity.

BUT - that's us.... You both need to be on the same page and make the best choice for your family and be HAPPY with that choice. Otherwise resentment will be inevitable.

Forgot to say, BEST of luck whatever you decide ohboy and have a big hug from me x

We went through something very similar this time around. We already had DS 4 and DD 2 and due to so many problems with spd during those pregnancies that continued after the birth we had decided the two was enough for us and our family was complete. I always wanted more, but DH was adamant that we couldn't take the risk to my health and we didn't need any more children. He's an amazing dad to the two we have, but made it very clear he didn't want any more.
Anyway, long story short, I found out I was pregnant. I had been taking the pill as normal, so nobody is quite sure how, I'm just in that small percentage where is didn't happen to work that time. He was still very unsure and kept reminding me of all the bad points (ie my spd and that he will be away a lot of the pregnancy) after lengthy conversations we decided keeping the baby was our only option. (not saying its tot only option, but we looked upon it as our choice taken out of or hands, a gift if you will).
Then I think hormones started to take over, and I started to panic. How could I possibly love another as much as I do the two I have? How on earth will I find time for them all? How will I care for my two children while crippled with spd for 9 months?! All these issues left me really detached from the pregnancy for the first couple of months and I was really worried, However, I'm now 26 weeks and couldn't be happier to be expecting another addition, and even hubby is getting exciting! I'm on my own with DH out of the country at the moment and the SPD is awful, but the chance to bring a new life into the world makes it all bareable for me. And my two children are over the moon, they can't wait for their little sister to arrive.

Good luck with your decision making, and I hope it goes well for you all.

Only you can decide what to do but you know that already. But if your dh is a good dad to your two, I don't understand how he wouldn't be to a third, and he knew that there was always a chance of pregnancy.

We have similar age dc to you and are thinking about a third - not being too careful so could easily find myself in your position. And I have to say that even though I think now a third would be lovely, I know if that line came up I would be in total panic and could think of loads of reasons why it may not be the best idea. Do you think that you are just in shock atm?

I know there are some on here that say three is a terrible idea. We know quite a few families with three children and they all are really happy, the third just fits in. I think you do probably have to be more organised and ensure that you get individual time with each, but you managed that when you went from one to two didn't you, and you could again.

Good luck with whatever you decide (either way) - you probably already know deep down what is right for you. Hope you manage to get some sleep later.

I was in exactly the same situation nearly a year ago. We had discussed a 3rd and decided against it. When I found out I was pregnant I was so stunned I didn't even tell DH for 3 days. We decided to keep the baby but I spent the pregnancy terrified I wouldn't cope and racked with guilt about the other 2, feeling I wouldn't be able to offer them as much (time, emotionally, financially etc etc). The baby is now 12 weeks old and we are all settling in really well. In fact DH is much more supportive than he was when we just had 2. He's rushing back from work to help with bed time and listening to DD1 reading. I even managed a supermarket shop on my own with all 3 yesterday (obviously deserve a medal ). The older 2 (now aged 5 and 3) seem perfectly happy to have a baby sister and not resentful of my time taken up with her. My 3 year old son is fascinated by nappy changes and comes to sit next to me ("why her poo yellow Mummy") and tells me when he thinks she's hungry "her needs booby-juice Mummy). Both of them seem enormously proud of her. Everything will be spread a bit thinly between 3, but so far it's working out really well.

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. It's really helpful to hear what you have to say and makes me feel less alone! (I haven't told anybody in real life - can't stand having to tell even my closest friends that we chose to have a termination, if that's what we do do.). I'm replying on my phone so sorry this is brief but I wanted to say that I really appreciate everybody's honesty. I'll let you know what we decide but I agree that we are probably in shock so I'm not going to make a decision with DH until tomorrow evening at the earliest. Thank you again for all your thoughts x

p.s. Wildrumpus - you definitely deserve a medal re shopping. I was in a panic about having a second witha relatively small age gap (although planned!) and was always very impresses with myself when we made it out of the house together.

I wanted a third baby but when it happened I went into a major, major panic. Where would he sleep? How could we afford him? How would my mum manage 3 under 6 when I worked?!

He's 15 months now and we adore him, the elder dcs (3 and 5 when he was born) think he's the funniest thing ever!! He's made no difference at all to what we can do and what we can afford. The older ones do get less attention of us but they're at the age where they don't want or need us as much anyway.

Good luck with what you decide.

Good luck. Whatever decision you make will be the right one. X

There will probably be an early pregnancy advice centre in your area, I had an unplanned pregnancy 8 years ago and really didn't know what to do, I'd only been with my partner for 3 months and had no cash etc, he didn't want me to continue with it but would have supported me and I had no maternal pangs in my body but I didn't want to terminate and have any regrets or what ifs.

I went to my docs to find out about the ins and outs of a termination and he put me in touch with a neutral counsellor who talked me through every eventuality of keeping or terminating it and made everything a lot clearer.

In the end I didn't have to make a decision as nature took it's course at 9 weeks and the embryo didn't survive but the counselling was invaluable at a time when it was hard to think clearly.

3 is not that much more than 2 and they bring much more than they take .

I'm coming round to the idea we could cope (well) with 3. I think counselling sounds sensible. Will talk to DH tomorrow once we've had a little longer to get used to the idea. Sorry Dogsmom - that must have need hard for you, even if you were unsure about the pregnancy.

You could be me about 5 months ago. We have 3 dc's and I am currently 27 weeks with number 4. It was a complete accident and both myself and my HB were very shocked. I always wanted 4 but he only wanted 2 so we were happy to stop at 3. We too had gotten rid of all our baby stuff.
My HB wanted me to terminate and I initially said yes just to please him but ultimately I couldn't guarantee how I would feel about it afterwards and whether it would change our relationship. The thought of going through with it killed me and he could see that and said that actually it wasn't worth the risk. He is fine with it now. We have the odd moment where the children drive us insane and we wonder how we will cope with 4 but I am really happy about it. In myself I feel perfectly content that this will be my last baby where as before I had always had a "never say never" attitude.
Good luck x

we're a bit shocked to be expecting number 3, too. When I knew we'd slipped up I felt the map would be sensible, but couldn't quite do it. I'v also wobbled about termination, but couldn't do it. FIL had one of his comically horrified outbursts when dh told him. Once the shock wore off both he and mil have been absolutely wonderful and made us both feel so much better.
Only you know what the right choice is, but you're not alone:)

Thanks - yes, my FIL will express surprise and disapproval, I'd have thought. But I'm really not worried about that at all at the moment. He's very financially motivated (as he and dh's mum struggled when they were younger) and will assume I've pressured DH into this. But that is the least of my concerns. I told DH last night I couldn't have a termination. Not sure he's accepted that I really mean it yet but he hasn't freaked out and is being really nice....

I went through something very similar 4 weeks ago.

Found out the day my af was due that I was pg with no4. Dh was already booked in for the snip (that's how much I did NOT want another)

I was devastated and for the first time ever did think of a termination.

What made the difference for me was I talked it through with a friend, I think speaking to someone who was not totally involved (like dh) made me see things differently.

Yes it will be a struggle, I have now lost any hope of any extra time/money/sleep in the near future but to me that comes second to hopefully having a healthy happy baby in a few months.

I am only 8 weeks now and still not told anyone except dh and my friend who I spoke to as I went through a late miscarriage last year and don't want to worry by parents till I am further on but I'm already getting excited

Good luck with whatever you decide.

i had a similar thing 2 years ago, dd was nearly 3 and ds was just 1 and I found out on new years day i was pregnant again.
I was devastated, i cried for weeks and just couldn't accept that i was going to have 3 under 4.
My dh left the decision upto me as it was me that would have to cope with the aftermath so to speak.
In the end my gp refered me to a counseller and i felt so must better just talking to someone not involved.
I went on to have ds2 who will be 2 in a couple of weeks, yes it is a struggle and i am tired all the time but 3 is fun and i love him soooo much
DH decided to get the snip though!

good luck what ever you decide

how are you OP? has the news managed to sink in yet? hope you are ok.

Hello - thanks for asking. I am sure I really want this baby now. Husband is still sure he doesn't and wants me to have a termination. I've explained that I don't want a termination, could not live with the guilt but that I obviously don't want this situation either - where he is so adamant he wants me to get rid of it. He still views it as a poppy seed and finds it hard to understand why I don't. He also thinks that I will get over it - his mum died a few years ago (when very young) and he and his Dad were, understandably, very depressed by it. He acknowledges it's not a direct parallel but his point is people do get over some pretty awful things. But I don't want actively to choose something that I think is a terrible thing, for me. There are all sort of financial/stress reasons not to have a third but I think we can handle all of those - DH would rather not have to struggle with those. Finally, DH also thinks it would be better for our two children if we did not to have a third. Again, I don't think so - I think they'd be fine and probably love a little brother or sister. Yes, it does mean that our time is split a bit more but we'd work it out. All a bit of a mess really!

can I come and kick your dh for you?

I am 17 weeks pregnant with my 4th child. Totally unexpected, I got pregnant days before exp and I split up and didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks. He didn't want me to keep the baby, he told me to have a termination but although I considered it I couldn't do it. My youngest dc is only 14 months old and is the most amazing thing in the world, I am worried about him losing out on having my time and attention. I have no money, no support - exps family have decided the baby isn't his and exp himself says he isn't sure.

It is so hard but I know that my baby will be loved and will make me smile everyday just like the others do. Good luck whatever you decide.

Please do! I would do it myself but he's being horribly reasonable and quite affectionate - not raging or trying to bully me into it... However, if it turns into an all-guns-blazing argument, I don't fancy the chances of a happy resolution. He is very stubborn and will never admit he is wrong. When it comes down to it though, it was a risk we both took - we both knew what could happen if you have unprotected s*x, even at "unfertile" times. We're not 17, we're married, have a relatively solid relationship and are financially and physically able to cope with a third. (Sorry, rant over...)

Oh MammyToMany.... that puts our situation to shame. You are a brave woman and I bet a great mother. And you'll be just as great a mother to four as you are to three. Good luck and hugs to you. I think I'll shut up now!

songline your comment made me cry. I am 30 weeks pg with an unplanned DC3. Thankfully DH and I did not even consider a termination, even though I am 43. He will have the snip now, which he always refused to do.

OP I would encourage you to do what you want. It is a great idea for couples to make the decision together, but if you really want the baby, you should not be forced to terminate, as it is you that will have to live with whatever outcome. You have already bonded with the poppy seed. I wish you the very best of luck x

Thank you ValiumQueen and good luck. Sadly I started bleeding very heavily straight after my last post. Really heavily actually and it hasn't stopped. I had bonded with my poppy seed but it's not sticking. The prolonged stress of the last 5 days plus next to no sleep probably caused it. Or maybe it just wasn't right. Anyway, no need to any difficult discussions with DH now. I'm a mess though and feel really guilty for even considering terminating. Ironically, if I hadn't tested, I'd probably just have thought my period was a bit late and particularly nasty this month. Thank you to everybody on here for being so kind.