Really frightened about booking in appointment

[CaptainHoratioWragge]

I have my booking in appointment on Friday at St. Thomas'

Over the last week I have been getting increasingly scared about it, to the point where I'm not sure I'll actually be able to get myself there safely. I get so worked up I think I'm going to faint as I start breathing really quickly and then this gets me even more worked up.

I've never had anything like this before and am normally a very robust person who takes things in her stride, so I almost don't recognise myself.

For some reason it is the thought of the MW actually having to touch me that I can't cope with, which I can see is bonkers, but although I keep giving myself a serious talking to it doesn't seem to make any difference.

[Bit of background- it is my third PG, the first two were MC's, both at another hosptial where treatment was just dire. I made a formal complaint about the fact that the MW team never returned any of my phonecalls (more than 50+ in a four week period when i was worried & it turns out the baby had indeed died). The MW team then lied stating i'd never left them messages etc, and although fortunately my mobile phone records could prove they were lying, it really really shocked me that a group of people would deliberately lie in this manner.]

I have bought myself a little digital recorder so that I can tape everything so I will never be in such a vulnerable position again, but my DH keeps trying to talk me out of taking it- he says that it would make them immediately mark me down as a trouble maker (which i'm not) and possibly even mentally unstable.

I can see he is probably right but I just feel i'm going to be alone in a room with someone who could just say anything afterwards and i'd be unable to prove otherwise.

I'm going to Thomas's as a lot of MNers recommended it to me as being a very good place, where they don't pull the sort of c**p i've had before, and I need to put it behind me and start separating out this PG, but I don't really know how to do that.

Thanks for reading such a long post

I had my booking in appointment last week and took my DH with me, he came in with me and the MW was fine with this, this is fairly normal by all accounts.

She did blood tests and took ruine sample, lots of paperwork. She also asked if I wanted her to try and listen for the heartbeat, which I did. But this was a question and not a demand. If you do not want her to do something she can't force you.

My booking in was very easy and the MW was very commendable, I hope yours is too, you are obviously very worried about this considering what has happened in the past I would suggest you take your DP or another close family member or friend if they are not available. Just someone that will be able to make you at ease.

I would not suggest that you take a tape recorder with you, take a person, they are as reliable and it would be 2:1 then as well x

I'm really sorry to hear your experiences before, no wonder you feel like this about your booking in appointment.

I second taking someone else with you, rather than a tape recorder. If your DP can't come with you, could a friend or a family member?

Also, be honest with the mw. If you can, tell her as soon as you go into that appointment how you feel (even if it is just in an abbreviated way) so she understand if you are upset, or if there is something you don't want to do.

You poor thing, I really feel for you. Feeling this anxious is not good for you but obviously you know that already. If I were you I think I would try to see your GP about this issue and explain your anxiety. It might be that he/she can arrange for you to perhaps have an initial appointment with the midwife before the booking appointment so that you can talk things through. Alternatively, you might be able to get some counselling.

It sounds like you've had a terrible experience in the past, but I'm not really sure that taking a tape recorder along to an appointment would really help you. The reality is, you have to trust these people. They are a different team of individual who have your best interests and caring for you at heart. I'm not sure that going in obviously not trusting them really sets the right tone for the relationship - hopefully a trusting, positive, constructive one - you want to have with them over the next 6 months or so.

Can't DH go with you if you feel as if you need a 'witness' to what was said. Or your mum, sister, friend? That way, you will have some company to keep you calm, you will know that someone else is listening to what is being said, but you won't be going in there with a message to the midwife that you think she is incapabable / a liar / untrustworthy....

thanks everyone, yes you make exactly the same points as my DH. I know I wouldn't be very impressed if someone turned up to meet me brandishing a tape recorder!

Oops posted too soon.

My DH will come, but my concern is that much of the previous stuff happened in front of my DH, but they just said he was lying too so I don't feel like having him there would protect me from lies iyswim.

Really i think i have to somehow clear the slate and assume its going to be a much more positive experience, just struggling to know how to make myself do that, iyswim

Went to see the GP, got me into Thomas's as i said that had been recomended to me, even though i'm technically not in their referral area, hadn't thought of a pre-meeting meeting with the MW, but to be honest i think it is just the first meeting that i'm getting funny about, and maybe after that i'll be better??

Do you think the breathing thing sounds like a panic attack?

Captain I have had an awful experiance in a hospital which left me anxious, scared and that I needed to be in control of every aspect of being in hospital.
I think your DH is right and the recorder isnt a good idea - but why dont you take DH or a friend with you are support.
I found the best way to face it is head on and as hard as that has been for me it has also helped no end as its shown its not always bad. Being pregnant really helps this as the care is for your unborn baby and when it was for me pre pregancy I could avoid it as it was only my healthy effected.
Unfortunatly you have to get booked in and are going to be moitored for the next 40 weeks or so need to be at ease with your MW so take a deep breathe and stop panic'ing it will be fine and you will get there and after every appointment you will feel a bit better and it will become a lot easier.

Good luck and remember one appointment at a time and in times when its really hard think of your little bean and the fantastic result at the end of the stress x

My booking in was very hands- off. MW didn't touch me at all apart from taking my BP. I asked about listening for heartbeat but she said it was early days and not finding one often led to anxiety. I get panic attacks from blood tests unless I'm fully prepared so I arranged to have those done at my GP surgery.
Sorry you had such a stressful time before- best of luck.

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear of your awful experiences. I had my booking in appointment at Thomas' the week before last and then had my 12 week scan there on Friday. I also had my first daughter there in 2010. I had a pretty traumatic first birth but am still going back to Thomas' as it was no fault of theirs and I was very impressed with the majority of the care I received there. I have to say that when I walked in for my booking appointment it was the first time I had been back there since the birth and I did have a few waves of panic wash over me as some not very pleasant memories came flooding back. However, the midwife who did my appointment was so nice that I was feeling relaxed within minutes. And I was by myself. At Thomas' at the booking appointment they just take blood and urine samples and that is it. The rest of it is just form filling and my stress dissolved away as the process was actually quite boring!! If it makes you feel better why don't you explain your situation before she launches into the paperwork and I'm sure you'll find she will be very sympathetic and understanding. I found the whole team there fantastic - I had a few early complications - and the midwife made sure she found a doctor to answer any questions that she wasn't sure of.
Anyway, a long response, but I've only had good experiences at Thomas' as have all my friends who have had babies there recently. Good luck and if you have any more questions about Thomas' I'd be happy to try and answer them.

write to the supervisor of midwives beforehand and explain your feelings. I think you'll find the response positive. One arrangement I had last time is that I took my own bp at home, to exclude the "white coat" effect.

Hi CaptainHoratioWragge, so sorry to hear about your previous awful experiences and MCs.

I would echo everyone else and say don't go with the tape recorder (would look confrontational), and very glad to hear your DH will be with you.

I have had 2 booking in appointments (my first pregnancy was a MMC) and the only times the MW touched me at either were to take my BP and my blood sample - no belly prodding or anything like that, and as mine were at 10 and 8 weeks respectively, no attempts to hear a heartbeat.

I think I would be inclined to say at the start of the appointment "as you can see, I'm very nervous - I had a really bad experience with a previous team of midwives and it has left me pretty shaken". Soemthing like that isn't in any way confrontational, but it explains why you will be nervous and also why you might want to check and double check things she is saying. Hopefully she will be calming and very understanding once she hears what has happened to you previously.

Best of luck and congrats on your pregnancy.

thanks for the replies, i really appreciate the support

*SW11 really good to hear of your recent experience

whatsoever those are really good words to use- I will just memorise, thank you!

struggling not sure if i wrote it would be read it time, probably left it too late to start panicking about this as the appointment is this week.

Also good to know how 'hands off' the booking apps are

OP, really sorry to read about your previous experiences. I've just popped in to say that I'm having my LO at St Thomas (22 weeks) and I'm loving the care so far. My booking appointment was with a fab midwife called Comfort who was able to reassure me about all of my worries... I agree with whatsoever start the session by letting them know about your past experience.

Good luck and congratulations

I had my booking in appointment this week, and the MW did not touch me other than to take routine blood samples. She washed her hands very carefully and checked I was ok before doing this, so nothing is forced on you.

They have a standard question on the forms where you can (if you want) open up about any worries you are having. The MW said this was to allow people to talk who might otherwise feel embarrassed about raising an issue.

So sorry to hear your experiences ? no wonder you're anxious. :( I think everyone?s advice is spot on. Excuse the horribly long post, but I thought these two tips might help with your anxiety before the appointment. Firstly, whenever you feel anxious breathe in slowly through your nose pushing your tummy out (to the count of 5 or so). Breathe out slowly and for a bit longer (to the count of 7 or so) through your mouth. After a few breathes, the oxygen in your blood should balance out and you?ll feel somewhat better.

Secondly (and this might seem silly, but it really works for me) try a Rationalisation Worksheet: wangsgard.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/daily_mood_log.pdf) (Ignore the Daily Mood Log title...)

You fill the event which is making you nervous (e.g. ?Thinking about my Booking appointment?) then your feelings about the event (e.g. Anxious: 90%, Angry 30%). Then you write your negative thoughts/fears in the first column and how much you believe that thought (e.g. The midwife is going to be horrible and incompetent: 80%). Then you identify why this thought irrational (the options and their explanations are on the second page) e.g. All-Or-Nothing Thinking, Over Generalization, Jumping to Conclusions, Emotional Reasoning. Then you write a Positive (or Rational) Thought and how much you believe that (e.g. "OK, I had a terrible experience in the past but there is no reason to believe this will happen again. It is a completely different hospital with a different midwife. My experience is probably going to be great and if problems do arise I?m much better equipped to deal with it? 80%). Then you reread the negative thought and put in a new figure of how much you believe it ? hopefully it will go down. Then you return to the feelings % and add new ones ? hopefully these would have gone down too.

You repeat the process (using the same thoughts or different ones e.g. "I?m going to freak out when the mw touches me", "I?m going to pass out before getting to the clinic") until you feel better.

On a separate note, I don't think my midwife touched me at all in the booking appointment except to take my blood pressure. Hope you feel better soon and all the best for your pregnancy! xxx

Goodness me OP! What a terrible time you've had, am not at all surprised you feel do panicky about this.
I just wanted to butt in from the other side of the coin. I am a community Macmillan nurse and I have had two occasions where patients taped my consultation due to previous bad experiences. At first I felt a bit uneasy but tbh I really didn't mind. At the end of the day they are professionals and the only reason they should feel threatened by this is if they feel they have something to hide. There's ways and means of explaining why you want to record the consultation too. You don't have to go in there shouting the odds about how they are all crap and you don't trust them, which I am sure you had no intention of anyway. I am pretty sure they would totally understand once you'd explained what you'd been through. If it makes you feel better then I'd do it. If they brand you as a trouble maker for it then they are neither professional or considerate and IMO shouldn't be doing the job.
Good luck!

I'm at St Thomas' too and have been impressed so far. My booking in was at my GP surgery. on all appointments everything has been very quick.

What I wanted to add though is that my experience of the early pregnancy unit there was also very good and you can also use that. If you are anxious because you think there is a problem you can self refer. I was bleeding and just went along in person. I had to wait a while as it's very busy but they saw me that day and then arranged an early scan (I was 7 weeks at the time) the next day.

I work there, not in antenatal clinic but don't want to say more in case I out myself ;) but I would echo what others have said that it will be bloods and BP and that'll be the only hands on bit, all the rest is forms. And I'm glad to hear from people that they have nice midwives (and yes Comfort is lovely!!).

When you go, do mention that you had a bad experience previously and you're really nervous. Midwives really do understand, especially when someone's chosen a different unit because of previous traumatic experiences.

Hope it goes well. It really is mostly paperwork!

Thanks everyone for the messages, I re-read this thread this morning before I left and it really calmed me down :)

Slightly now as when I got there I found out it wasn't with the midwife at all!

I'd got two appointment letters in the post, one for today with a Mrs someone and one in two weeks with a Dr something so I assumed that today's was my booking in with a Midwife, and the one in 2 weeks was to see the doc, but in fact it turns out that they are both appointments with different consultants and I probably won't have a normal booking in with a MW at all- the doc in 2 weeks will probably do it.

The consultant was lovely person, I obviously was a bit upset talking about the MC's and she was very kind. I feel like they are really going to look after me there.