A little advice on how to deal with a nosy old neighbour that needs a piece of my mind!

[sammyleh]

Apologies for the rant but I'm 7 months pregnant, trying to chill out and need to vent my frustrations before I put m neighbours windows through.

My neighbour is a old woman that lives on her own, she has her nose in everyones business, regardless of whether you want it there and will ALWAYS speak her mind no matter how terrible the words are that are coming from her mouth. She certainly not a sweet old lady that needs looking after, in fact she's a poisonous little witch deep down and hard as nails. She ha a habit of coming into the garden whenever we are there and wont leave us in peace, she's the main reason that we're saving to move house next year if we can afford to.

For about a year, we've had a loose fence post and since its our side, its our responsibility to fix it. So we've only just got round to doing it after the other fence blew over and it was more important to fix it, and its pretty much kicked off what could be a big argument (which i want to avoid). She has it in her mind that my DP is an arsehole, she's incredibly 2-faced to him and as I found out tonight, will bad-mouth him to everyone in our street but will be nice to his face. Whats happened today is that the guy fixing the fence (while I'm at work and DP is away with friends) has almost finished the job, but had to stop because she wouldn't leave him alone. She spent all day slagging off my DP, telling the guy that he makes me do the lawnmowing while he's sat inside, he makes me take the rubbish out in 'my condition' and then made the poor guy move the recycling boxes to the front because I shouldn't do them. Last year we shrugged off a comment that she made to one of our friends and thought nothing of it (she asked if my friend knew anything about my DP hitting me) and came out and asked me if he was violent... to which I said absolutely not, now we can se that she's just carried on her false accusations of him and will not let it drop. She obviously didn't know this, but the guy fixing our fence is a good friend and he's told us everything.

I only found this out after she called me into the garden to complain about his workmanship, I called our friend who told me everything. I am absolutely fuming! DP is devastated too as he hates the thought of people around us thinking he's a bad person. He's the sweetest and most loving man you could meet. I'm all prepared to give her a piece of my mind tomorrow but I just dont know how to approach it, I'm going to fly off the wall at her if I cant gather my thoughts and just approach it reasonably and as the better person.

Help! What would you do? xx

Blimey! You poor thing. I haven't been in a similar situation thankfully, but I think what I'd do primarily is take a deep breath and decide how much it really matters. Close friends and neighbours won't believe her lies. If anyone else asks you can explain, they're bound to believe you given how barmy she sounds.

You and DP could make sure not to engage her in conversation (don't worry about social niceties/appearing rude, just go inside if she corners you over the fence for example). Does she have any family members who visit her who you can talk to about this? Maybe use the specific example you gave here about what she said while the fence was being fixed?

Ouch she sounds like a right old vindictive hag

To be honest, what I wouldn't do is engage with her at all anymore - from what you have said, this will just "feed" her.

Do you have a local PCSO? I would be inclined to get them to have a chat with her about the accusations she is making as they are actually pretty damned serious accusations against your dp, and could land him in a whole lot of bother depending on his profession/job etc.

Defamation of character is not taken lightly by the authorities, and being old does not excuse her from having manners and basic civility towards you and your dp.

If push came to shove, you could ask for a restraining order to be served, preventing her from making contact with you - either that or go for a higher/bigger fence between your properties.

Either way at 7mo pregnant, you don't need this stress

You might also be better asking for this to be moved to "chat" as I think there's a bit more traffic there and you'll likely get a few more responses!

Do you own the house? I wouldn't go down the route of anything official if you do, as you would have to declare any official neighbour dispute to your solicitor when it comes to sell.

I would just start blanking her - walk away if she tries to engage you, don't answer the door. And maybe get a higher fence or grow something very fast growing and prickly!

Thanks ladies, I've woke up this morning a lot calmer. The guy fixing the fence is coming back today to finish off and I've told him to ignore her at all costs. I didn't realise that official disputes need to be registered, and yes we do own the house so thanks for letting me know feesh . I think ignorance is the best idea do we won't be talking to her anymore, that's for sure! She has a son who lives away but luckily he's coming to stay this weekend so ill have a polite but firm word in his ear. Sadly can't afford a high fence yet but will be looking at that option, so shocked that this has happened, it's just come from nowhere!

So she's probably telling your neighbours that your husband hits you!?

Blimey! Your poor husband!

Could she be suffering from some form of MH issue? My friends mum is like this - when we were at school she used to go round accusing all his male friends of being gay, and his female friends of being tarts. She came into my workplace and shouted weird accusations about me in front of all the customers. Half the time she was perfectly pleasant, but when she flipped over she did genuinely believe what she was saying.

1. Have a word with her son, and rather than being angry express concern about her health

1. Local people will know what she is like and will not believe a word she is saying. Warn work men about her.

1. Avoid her, but be pleasant to her if you have to interact.

Yeah, was wondering myself if she could have some type of dementia?

As far as I know, she doesn't suffer any MH issues, I think we would have been told by family members if she did. Her son has on many occasions said his mum is a gossip, I will ask the question though.

Sammy - you could add a trellis to the top of your fence which may be a cheaper alternative?

Tell your DH not to worry - she's probably like this with all her friends and neighbours, and I bet they know just what she's like.

It could be that she has mental health problems but they have gone diagnosed for years and years. It happens. People might just assume that she's an arse.

I would tell her point blank next time she spoke to you that I didnt want to engage in any conversation with someone that makes up lies about my DP and find her incrediably rude and will not tolerate her lies!

To the point and blunt

I know it may sound over the top but I think it's worth telling a PCOS about the allegations she's making only because (and I don't want to freak you out or sound melodramatic) you'll soon have a baby and she might start making accusations about your DP in connection with the baby. A friend of mine has a vile neighbour who has twice "anonymously" (it was clear to both my friend and the police that it was him because of previous incidences) reported her very elderly and very lovely FiL to SS, once for allegedly abusing her 15yo stepdaughter and once for allegedly abusing her 2yo DS. SS did investigate but it was very quickly clear he was lying and because of various other things he had done the police were very supportive.

Obviously hopefully nothing similar would happen with your neighbour but just in case I think it may be worth having her behaviour on record.

It does sound as though there are mental health problems. She has no evidence to support any of her claims.

I agree that talking to the son would be a good idea, he may not realise just how much she affects the neighbours as a whole, not just you with her behaviour and be proactive in getting it sorted out. I bet she's as sweet as pie to him! DH may or may not wish to add that you have taken advice from the PCSO as some of her allegations have legal implications. With any luck he'll get her treatment or even a care home if she is deemed severe enough to need one.

panda!

Panda That's shocking.... the thought never even crossed my mind that the things she's telling everyone could come back on us like that. Absolutely going to talk to her son and tell him my fears of what her gossip could cause. I think I'm going to tell her son that we have been considering taking it further and it at least gives him the opportunity to have a proper word with her. If she has MH issues then they need dealing with properly, because I wont hesitate to deal with her properly if she causes me any more grief. Thanks so much for your advice everyone, its really helping.

How awful! I would keep conversation to a bear minimum - a 'good morning' etc if needed but no more. I would also mention to her son that 'slander' is illegal. If she complains about your friends work again - ask her if she would like to discuss it directly with him, and invite him over.

You don't need this though - mention it to her son and let him deal xx

I would take further steps if only to protect your unborn child as she is is clearly on a mission to cause distress by total lies. I have a MIL just like this and she phoned social services and the RSPCA on me staing I was neglecting my children and dog! The both attended as they have too and both filed reoprts stating they wouldnt attend calls to my address again as it was mulicious (cant spell sorry). But I still had the shame of social workers turning up - made worse that my mum is one and I knew them and they knew me (as I have done respite care for foster children) so had to explain about MIL and her history - they totally understood and knew my children were if anything spoilt with love and goods!

People like this are evil and you always need to be one step ahead and predict there next move so you can protect your family - tell her son and talk to your local community officer. You dont have to take action but its on file just incase x x

Family don't tend to tell the neighbours about MH issues, so my guess is the son knows what is going on and is just hoping it doesn't get too bad.

I know - it's awful! The first time, the first they knew about it was when SS turned up at her stepdaughter's school and pulled her out of a lesson to speak with her about it. Her poor FiL was so upset that they didn't dare tell him about the second allegation about her little boy because they were worried the shock would be more than he could take :( The awful thing was that the police couldn't pursue it because, even though he had done lots of other stuff, the letters were written anonymously so they couldn't prove they were from him.

As I said, I don't want to scare you sammy but the fact she's already accusing your DP of domestic abuse just set alarm bells ringing.

Hi Sammyleh,

Having worked for a number of years in the " civil service" ;). Please keep a diary of events/ conversations but do not include hearsay(eg stuff your mums mates best friend heard from her neighbours dog if you get my drift).

Speak to the son of mad neighbour with your DH and let him know what she has been up to and how upset it has made you both and mention that if she continues you may have to speak to the police about it just in case someone takes what she is saying seriously.

If it does continue please contact your local police station re the ongoing situation as this is harrasment ( this s not a neighbour dispute) as it is causing you fear alarm and distress.

I hope this helps

Oh and with the way my hormones are at the mo..........its nothing a punch in the face would not sort out :0 ( please do not do this )

thanks littlemisssunshine3 I'll jot down what's been said etc in case I have to make any complaints. A good smack to the face would make me feel great but since she's old (not ancient) , I'll hold back haha!
Its just harder because DP is away at the moment and not due back until Friday, could do with his support when she collars me in the garden tonight. Actually dreading it. ah well, keep calm and all that :)