Ladies, am i being crazy?

[oceanblossom]

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and can't help notice that my husband seems to becoming more distant and his usual 'habits' have changed as the weeks go on.

The main issue is with his phone. Before the pregnancy he left it lying around everywhere and hardly used it other than to keep in contact with family, however over the past 1-2 months it hasn't left his side. He even takes it with him in the morning to have a shave for work. (even if he decides he wants to walk around the house in his pants he will keep it tucked in them on his hip) This is weird behaviour for him. He always seems to be texting now as well and leaving the room to do so.

I have confronted him about it and felt insulted when he said it was 'just your crazy pregnancy hormones making you think things'. That didn't go down very well!!!

The other week he was acting very strange in the house and went into a different room so i followed to see if he was ok. As i entered the room he quickly put his phone away and when i asked what he was doing he said he was cleaning up. (there was nothing to clear up) I told him i knew it was a lie and demanded to see his phone. He told me he was texting his brother. I didn't care and demanded it. This phone use to be mine so i new the password for the inbox, i had a look in front of him and there was a txt from a female colleague of ours saying 'yeah people have approached me at work mentioning us spending a lot of time together, but i just ignored them'

At that point 'crazy pregnancy hormones' took over. After our 'discussion' he was left in no uncertain terms that our marriage is over if he has been cheating. For about 2 weeks things were fine however its started again. I went to look in his phone to see if there has been anymore messages from her, to find he has changed the password.

Am i just being paranoid or should i be concerned? I just feel my husband is drifting away from me and i have no control over it. He's gone from being really loving and touchy feely to the complete opposite, and i get frustrated talking to him about it as he says he's not doing anything, its just my hormones.

I just need a little bit of advice on how to deal with 1. my apparent crazy hormones and/or 2. his behaviour?

hey ocean, i don't think you're being crazy at all.

Men can often go distant and weird when their partner gets pregnant, especially for the first time as they can freak out about how their life is gonna change, how they'll have to become responsible, etc. it happened to my sister's partner.

however, i do think this phone thing sounds very weird. why would he be carrying it round with him constantly and change his password if he had nothing to hide? and the text you read sounds very suspect. sorry prob not what you want to hear! he may not actually be having an affair, maybe he's just exchanging flirty texts with a colleague as a way of dealing with his fear about becoming a dad. but even if it is just that that's definitely not ok. or maybe he is just confiding in her on a friendship-level. but he should tell you about it if it is just that.

it's also very unfair of him to turn it around on to you and blame it in your hormones, which tbh is a pile of crap.

i think you should try and confront him about it again (not easy i know), don't let him fob you off with the hormone thing - this is definitely not your fault.

I don't think you are crazy at all.

Lots of people are overly addicted to their phone me included and take them everywhere but being furtive, leaving rooms etc is not normal behaviour.

To behave like this, when you are pregnant is disrespectful and unkind (for whatever reason). The fact that our hormones are all over the place is irrelevant in this situation, it just makes it all the more thoughtless.

I would have it out with him, explain exactly how his behaviour is making you feel and find out who he is texting all the time.

And seeing its mumsnet I also have to say 'leave the bastard'. but don't actually take this advice

How convenient to say it's your "hormones".

Have you considered putting this in relationships?

I know that some men struggle with pregnancy, and some men go off sex.

I think, however, that I'd find the change in his habits very unsettling.

He lied to you - telling you he was texting his brother, when it was a female colleague. That is a huge problem.

The content of that message is worrying too. Instead of them putting the people at work straight, they are just "ignoring" it.

I don't think this is a hormone related problem, nor a pregnancy one :(

I don't really have advice, as I'm pretty rubbish at relationships myself. But I would be concerned.

The fact that he's changed the password is even more suspicious. Why would he do that if there wasn't anything to hide?

He should be reassuring you, not acting suspiciously, secretly texting a female colleague, about them spending so much time together that others have noticed, then saying you're "crazy" for being unhappy about it.

Hmmm I hate to say it but I think there's a lot to be said for 'gut feeling'. If it was my DH the behaviour with his phone would have me worried. Why change the password and be all cagey if he has nothing to hide. He's a fool if he thinks you wouldn't notice his change in behaviour. It may just be flirty texts and a case of him enjoying the attention from someone else, but still upsetting for you and not how he should behave.

I would be tempted to punch approach the female colleague. Is there anyone else you could speak to at your work who would be honest with you if they thought something was going on?

I really hope it is a case of him being an idiot in the middle of some sort of crisis about becoming a Dad rather than anything serious.

Does sound dodgy. I think you need to broach it with him, as calmly as is humanly possible so he doesn't just go on the defensive. He may just be confiding in this colleague, but he should be able to tell you if he's feeling a bit lost due to the pregnancy - this might give him the opportunity to do that? I hope it is one thing along those lines, rathe thn nothing worse.

(I'm totally addicted to my phone but I'm never protective of it, as I don't have anything to hide.)

You are so not crazy. Being told you are crazy to start with is a bad sign in itself, if you ask me - and the rest of it just screams red flags all over the place.

His lies, lack of openness, secretive behaviour and having the phone glued to his side at all times - all shout very loudly that he's up to something. And for him then to blame your pg hormones - well, that's just rude.

Some men don't deal well with having a pregnant partner - they don't like the changes in your body, nor the fact that there is soon going to be another person in your relationship. This is not an excuse and actually I find it pretty pathetic when they get like this but some still do.

I hope that he's not up to no good, but I'd certainly trust any gut instincts that you have that something is going on; and keep your eyes and ears open for further signs. Ignore his blatherings about "crazy pg hormones" - what does he know about that anyway! If you weren't pg and he was doing the same, he'd still call you crazy - pg hormones aren't relevant.

My partner also reacts a bit funny when I pregnant ( third on the way) with this one he too took his phone everywhere but I think it's cause I am constantly on mine on here lol . He also never goes out ever ! Then all of a sudden he would his say "I'm going out to a party " and obv I'm in with the kids on my own then! Strange as it's our third so he knows what coming ! But now I'm much further along he has become so loving , rings me all the time, cooks for me helps clean up etc so it could jus be he is freaking out a little bit ?