It's a girl....thought it was a boy......

[Notinthepink]

So our 20 week scan has shown us a lovely healthy girl. Both DH and I were pretty stunned as we were both convinced it was going to be a boy and in our hearts we both wanted one.

The scan was 3days ago now & I'm ashamed that I'm still feeling low. I never had a good relationship with my mother and am worried about parenting a girl. I simply won't know what to do with a "girly" girl - I can't stand shopping and princesses and frills and pink.

I know that I'm being selfish and irrational and horrible for even feeling like this, so please don't flame me. It took us a long time to conceive and I've MCd previously, so of course we know how lucky we are and we're delighted that our baby is healthy. I'm worrying now though that I'm going to struggle to bond with my baby when she's born, as I've felt a bit disconnected from the pregnancy since the scan.

Due to my age it's most likely this will be our only child and I've also got it into my head that boys do better as only children, so I'm pretty worried about that too.

I'd really like to hear from anyone who felt like this and how it worked out for you.

I'd also love to hear some great things about amazing daughters and the way they are and stuff they do - particularly solo girls.

Thank you all for your messages and your honesty - tango and magicmike I'm so relieved to hear your stories. I feel much better just knowing I'm not the only one.

showofhands you speak much good sense!

broody congratulations on your little boy. We're going to be wonderful mothers, but I suppose parenting either gender a potential minefield.

I'm going to go out now and buy a baby dress and hang it up somewhere like soh suggested. I think that's a great idea.

DD is a solo girl. She rocks (mostly). She was always - in my mind's eye, and then at 20 weeks - going to be a girl so I didn't experience that side of things. But she's flourishing as an only, no problems there.

She's been through some very pink phases, and it's not really my thing. But with YOUR little pink princess, you know there's more to her than that, and love her accordingly. I imagine it's the same with little boys who live in nylon football strips - if you have girls, or boys who dress 'nicely', it's easy to be glad 'I don't have one of those', but they're just another child with unique likes and dislikes.

(no offence meant to parents of little boys in football strip - or girls, my friend has one of those)

Hey OP. I convinced myself I was having a boy, and even though I found out the pregnancy and gender late I did feel I'd already bonded with my baby boy.
However she's a girl, and i felt disapointed im not sure if it's because I was disapointed I had assumed wrong. But now I feel I've bonded again, with my little girl. I'm delighted,
I think just give yourself some time, don't put pressure on yourself. Give it a week honestly. I hate pink and frilly too, but you dont have to go that route.
How are you feeling now?

Congrulations...I have two DDs and neither are into pink or glitter....DD1 loves geology and sciencey things...she''s 8 and DD2 who is 4 loves superheroes, action man and trains.

I don't buy them pink things....now and then sure...but they wear bright colours.

I never liked boy babies. I did a lot of babysitting in my teens but would never babysit for a boy baby. When I was pregnant I was sure I was having a boy (don't ask me why!) and was terrified I could not love a boy baby. DS arrived after an emergency c-section under GA. When I woke up and they put him in my arms I was just overcome with such a feeling of love and wanting to protect him I just couldn't believe it. When I was pregnant the second time I really didn't mind what I had - and I had a girl. My DD doesn't like pink and frills - every baby is it's own little individual, they don't come pre-programmed. I'm sure you will be absolutely fine!

Oh, SOH, I welled up at that, what a lovely lovely post

I have one of each. So far (youngest nearly a year), they are the same, you really do not have to go into the whole pink girlie thing. I too was nervous about parenting a girl due to relationship with mother, but I'm sure it will be fine, as lots of people have said, we are completely different people Also, fwiw, I was expecting DS to be a DD, I didn't find out in advance, but fell completely head over heels in love with him and have been besotted to this day

Pickles are you still preggo? Or have you had your baby yet? I'm glad to hear you think a week should do it, though I'm beginning to feel better now anyway - mostly thanks to all the amazing advice and support I've had on this thread. My DH has been brilliant too, is completely over his initial shock and looking forward to having a wee girl.

I'm realising that actually gender isn't so important. What's important is she will be our baby, with her own personality and individual quirks. I'm encouraged to hear about all those non-princessy girls out there!

And I just told my Dad and he was so happy he burst into tears, which made me cry too, in a good way.

See Im still pregnant (little way to go) I look at boys clothes and sigh (I think they are much nicer) I hate pink and frills, we have none of this!
I think you will certainly feel better when you get bigger, you'll see her kick the bath water and she kicks my dog when he rests his chin. So I think that's helped me lots
I kept reminding myself that I'm lucky to be having her too which helped.
Name thinking is good!
I'm glad your feeling a bit better, I'm sure there is another thread around like yours, I'll have a look for it for you

I had gender disappointment when I was pg. I was having a girl; when I found out I was devastated. I had wanted a boy my whole life. The strength of my feelings of disappointment shocked me.

Of course, looking back, I can see that my brain was riddled with hormones, I would have had the depression regardless of the gender of the baby, but at the time it felt awful. The worst thing was, I was carrying a healthy baby, and knowing how may people in the world would love to be in that position made me feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way I did.

The only information I could access about Gender disappointment was from mothers expecting boys and wanting girls- this made me feel even worse.

Interestingly, my ante-natal counsellor said that a large proportion of the expectant parents she saw suffering from gender disappointment were those who had been infertile for many years, and had eventually conceived through IVF; they had held on to a dream of a (usually) baby girl for so long, that when they conceived twin boys they were devastated.

It is almost taboo to discuss it- I could never tell anybody how disappointed I was, it seemed so ungrateful. I have posted about it a few times on MN, but tend to try and avoid the gender threads as it is a very emotive subject.

Of course, now my DD is three and a half, and although she is not a boy, neither is she 'a girl'- she's an Angie and I love her more than life itself.

Then 9 weeks ago DD2 arrived; and I'm happy

Remember, you're not having 'a girl', you're having your baby. You'll love her in a way you cannot possibly anticipate.

I am an only daughter, and my mum was a single parent.

We are now really good friends and very close. I wasn't lonely growing up either.

tethersend I found the same when I looked online - 99% of women who were struggling with these feelings were expecting boys, when they had hoped for girls. I feel exactly as you've described - have been shocked and ashamed at my feelings and riddled with guilt about it.

Hormones definitely play a part - in fact I've been more hormonal in the second trimester than the first.

I've just been out and, having had a bit more time to reflect, am realising I'm worrying about my parenting abilities, primarily due to my past, and that I've got some more thinking and preparation to do on this before our baby comes. I know I'm going to love her, that's not in question, I'm worried that history might repeat itself. Well, ive got the power to change this and I'm going to! Also, a previous poster mentioned that parenthood had helped her in her own difficult relationship with her mother, which is a good thought and one I'm going to try and work with.

I took showofhands advice and bought a lovely dress, purple and yellow and blue, and it's hanging up by the bed now. Thanks soh for your post.

fanjo pithy, to the point and just what I need to hear! Thank you.

SoH is great

Good luck with it all!

Oh, didn't mean to be pithy ..was posting on my phone, on the train.

Glad it reassured you though :)