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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

some advice please :(

12 replies

anon07 · 16/07/2012 21:37

In a really awful situation, would appreciate some advice...

I'm 28, have been with OH for 18 months and I'm 12 weeks pregnant, unplanned. Background - had ectopic last year resulting in removal of one of my tubes, was on pill both times but have been having serious problems with IBS symptoms for last year or so (still not actually diagnosed, GP not much help). In hindsight, I should have been more careful and changed my contraception, but what's happened has happened, I need help with the situation I'm in now not a lecture or criticism.

He wants me to have an abortion. Says he doesn't want a child, isn't ready to be a father, is worried about his family's reaction (which won't be good)and doesn't want our lifestyle to change. But ultimately he says it's my decision. He's not forcing me too choose between him and continuing the pregnancy (although I feel totally torn) but obviously it will affect our relationship. He will stand by me, but things will be extremely difficult with his family. Neither of us want it to end in me being a single parent.

I am pro-choice but feel abortion is something I really do not want to do. I have told my immediate family and they have taken it well and will fully support me either way :). I feel although it would be really difficult we could make it work in terms of the practicalities. However, I don't feel there is a win-win outcome. Either I will resent him for pushing me to abort (and possibly further damaging my fertility) or he will resent me (and possibly the child).

I know ultimately it's my choice but I would appreciate your opinions and experiences.

OP posts:

iloveberries · 16/07/2012 21:39

Trust your gut

You sound like a smart lady

Good luck x

TheMysteryCat · 16/07/2012 21:42

agree with iloveberries

you have to do what is right for you.

you could ring marie stopes for some advice maybe; i believe it's impartial.

you could also talk to your GP about both scenarios and get their medical advice as well.

Loislane78 · 16/07/2012 21:58

Why would his family reaction be bad? You 're 28 and I'm guessing he's similar ish age so hardly like you're both 14 plus you've been together 18 months - sounds fine to me :)

He says he doesn't want your lifestyle to change - is that never or just now? You should do what you feel is best for you either way. I only mention that as I'm due in 5 wks and was unplanned too in a way. Don't think there's ever a right time from what I hear and I wouldn't have waited until I was mid-30's if I thought there was. Talk to your GP about ongoing fertility stuff as other poster said so you know what's what.

Take care :)

hzgreen · 16/07/2012 22:15

blimey what a tough spot for you, so sorry that he has taken the news badly. only you can decide what to do and i agree you should trust your gut. i don't think i could get past the feeling that i was pushed into an abortion and that i would ultimately destroy my relationship anyway, but that's just me - i don't forgive easily.

abortion is a hard decision, but i had an abortion when i was 19 and even though i still feel it was the right decision it has haunted me (now 36). i'm not trying to sway you or judge at all just letting you know that it can stay with you for a long time.

it sounds like you have a supportive family whatever you decide and that is worth a lot but i can see why you feel torn. i think first and foremost you need to think about what you want, the rest can be resolved even though sometimes you can't see how.

please don't rush into anything, take as much time as you need xx

elizaregina · 16/07/2012 22:28

whatever you decide your in laws cant be part of your process, in a worse case scenario you could break up with OH for any reason in future or now and they may not be part of your life anyway.....its nothing to do with them at all and I think basing the descion in anyway on them may lead you to regret in future....you must make this descion yourself.
my 1st was unplanned too - total shock etc and our first thought was
" abortion", now we have her I feel sad thats the first thing we thought when I found out - usual sentances spewed out - " we cant afford it" etc....we now scrape by on much less money than we had then!
things change - people change, does he already have DC? If not....be wary....my DP never wanted DC adamantly, vicoulsy....now he just cant imagine DD not being here - not everyones reaction of course, yours may not change but once idea sinks in....good luck with what you decide and dont let anyone judge you.

PiggyMad · 16/07/2012 22:34

Just playing devil's advocate - but what if you did abort and then a few years down the line decided to try for a baby and found that you struggled to conceive? Would you regret it? I think if there is any chance that you might regret the decision, then you must listen to the doubts.

28 isn't 'young' - obviously not old either, but you aren't a teen and have family support and sound like you could cope alone if things ended up that way. Does your partner not want children at all, or is now not the right time for him? I think that could make a difference to his feelings after the shock has worn off or if you did decide to keep the baby.

Original poster

anon07 · 17/07/2012 07:07

thank you all for your responses xx

Loislane78 - His family won't be on side as we aren't married, in a few years time and married they would probably be more than happy for us.

hzgreen - It is the thought of an abortion haunting me in the way you describe that makes me feel it is not the right option for me. Thank you for sharing your experience.

elizaregina - No, he doesn't have any DC. It's not something he wants now, but hasn't ruled it out altogether. He has agreed to come to the 12 week scan because I told him I needed his support. He works in a job where he has contact with kids every day which is what surprises and hurts me about him saying he doesn't know how much of a father he will be able to be / doesn't think he will bond with it / doesn't want a child growing up with one parent not wanting it etc.

PiggyMad - I agree, 28 isn't young and personally I think it's just time for us to grow up and get on with it, especially since I was told by a doctor my fertility will probably decline at 35 rather than 40 like the average woman.

I live in hope that he will become more accepting and his feelings will change, but he's had 6 weeks to try and get his head around it and he hasn't changed his opinion :(.

OP posts:

hzgreen · 17/07/2012 08:34

there is no guaruntee that he will change his mind of course but for a lot of men it's not really real until the baby is in his arms. we planned for our son but my husband was still scared s*less and could only see the negatives (no sleep, no money, not going out etc), even when he came to terms with that he still wasn't a dad until the baby was in his arms and then he did a u turn so quick it made my head spin. now he is more patient and nurturing than me!

you never know how a man will react when the baby is there, it could go either way. that's why it's so importnant to base this decision on what you want. of course his feelings count but from what you've said it sounds more like insecurity and fear that he'll be a bad father that is holding him back, rather than flat out not wanting a child

KatAndKit · 17/07/2012 08:42

If abortion is not the right choice for you then do not have one, regardless of what others want you to do.

Fatted · 17/07/2012 08:54

OP, I really do feel for you, I dont know how I would cope without the support of my DH in pregnancy. I do hope that you can find some resolution to the problem.

I have seen many pregnancies amongst friends and family where it was not ideal - including a similar situation where the partner did not want to keep the baby. In all instances relationships and marriages have come and gone, but the children have always been loved and brought happiness to others. Life hasn't been easy but then I dont think life with a baby and two parents is!

At the risk of sounding out of turn, I think his using the parents in law is an excuse for his own issues towards having kids. I dont see how this issues can't be resolved with a quick registry office wedding before the baby arrives? He may come round after seeing the baby at the scan, I know my DH is finding it hard to visualise the baby at the moment and looking forward to the scan to see it. But do be prepared for the fact it might not change his mind. I wish you well no matter what you decide x

Original poster

anon07 · 18/07/2012 18:07

Thank you all so much for replying, it's been helpful to hear your experiences. Have told my boss and he was lovely about it and very supportive so I feel a bit of relief. I am realising that maybe I under-estimated the support I will have from other people. Just want everything to be ok at the scan next week and I think my decision is made. I think my mind was made up a while ago, my resolve was just wavering under the circumstances.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 18/07/2012 18:16

Sod his family, you are 28 not 12. My close friend was in a situation where her partner wanted her to abort (even though they had been trying for a baby, he er..panicked somewhat). She stuck to what she wanted, and he adores his son, who is now 19. If you want the baby, have the baby. Chances are your partner will fall in love with him or her. And his family too come to that. And if family do need to be involved, maybe your Mum could call his Mum and pave the way? Worked in the above situtation.

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