Potted history ? lost three pregnancies at 22 weeks, 12 weeks and 12 weeks due to a genetic condition incompatible with life (we have a 1 in 4 chance of it occurring with each pregnancy), also an earlier MMC picked up at dating scan. No surviving DC.
By some miracle, this pregnancy has gone well so far. We had two detailed scans with fetal medicine consultant at 10 plus 5 and 12 plus 5, and he was pretty certain that the genetic issue was not there. We decided against Downs screening as the thought of invasive testing following a high risk result did not sit comfortably with us (I had an earlier thread wailing and gnashing my teeth about the rights and wrongs, whys and wherefores of this decision, but it?s done now and I suppose that's that).
So, tomorrow we are heading back to the fetal medicine unit for the big one. I am terrified. Totally unprepared for how I?m going to deal with it if something?s wrong again. I can?t stand not being prepared mentally, but the trouble is I have been here before at this stage, so I know just how awful it is when things do go wrong and I?m not sure how we?ll get through it.
I hate, hate, hate scans anyway, and I know that this one will take a lot longer than our earlier scans. I feel sick at the mere thought of having to lie there waiting for them to drop a bad news bomb (and we?ve had so many of those at scans that I?m always waiting for them). Plus our consultant is going to be on holiday and we are seeing someone we haven?t seen before. Apparently the consultant we?re seeing instead is brilliant//lovely but it just makes it that bit harder that she doesn?t already know us, and we don?t know her or how she works. The lovely midwife who works with our regular consultant is also going to be on holiday and I will miss her.
I know I need to get a grip, but at the moment I just feel paralysed by fear. I?ve done nothing all day ? basically stayed in bed attempting to read the papers, but I can?t stop thinking about it.
I?ve been feeling the baby move over the last couple of weeks, and I know from the point of view of our genetic issue this should be a good sign as the babies we have lost previously have been unable to move (amongst many other problems). However, I do also fully appreciate that just because one thing might not have gone wrong it doesn?t preclude any of the other things that could go wrong from going wrong. And of course, the knowledge that we turned down Downs/Pataus/Edwards screening is weighing heavily on my mind too - I am 37.
How can I get a grip/get through this? DH is fantastic, but obviously this is all just as stressful for him and his way to deal with it is to keep busy. I just can?t deal with the thought that by 11ish tomorrow our lives will have taken one definite, and entirely opposing, path or another ? either wow, this really looks like it might happen this time, or plunged back into hell.
Thanks for reading, and sorry for the excessive self-involvement/stream of consciousness.