Feeling really conflicted about being pg with number two

[yellowflowers]

I know this is a blessing and not a problem and you probably need to tell me to pull myself together but I feel really odd and emotional and could do with 'talking' about it.

My dd is 18 months and will be just two when number two is due. It took two and a half years to conceive dd and this pregnancy happened after just one period. We were trying but I really didn't expect it to happen for ages.

Obviously we're thrilled. But I also feel really conflicted.

I'm tired and don't know how I'll cope with two. Also I don't feel like we deserve it - we didn't try hard at all, it just happened. And I am worried we love dd so much because she was so wanted and took so long and this one didn't have all that emotional energy invested in it and will it be less loved.

And I know it sounds odd but I think my identity has for so long been bound up with (in)fertility. I knew since I was a teen that I might have trouble conceiving. Then we had our fertility struggle. Then all the telling people post birth about it because I've alwas been open about the problems we had and I've kind of become the go to
person for friends and friends of friends who are struggling to conceive. So it's kind of like my identity has changed now. All
of which I'm very grateful for but feel odd about.

And you know, I just don't feel excited by this pregnancy. I'm also worried because at our 20 weeks scan with dd an anomaly was picked up which dd has had operations for though she is ok and I am of course concerned now the same will happen this time - I'm 16 weeks at moment.

And we had a very difficult first few months with dd including her being poorly and in hospital for first week and her open surgery at 12 weeks. And no sleep really
for several months. And I feel like all this has made me lose my innocence a bit.

And I'm worried the baby will pick up on this and think it's not wanted and decide not to be born, which I know is ridiculous but I can't help thinking it.

Sorry - major rant and probably doesn't make any sense.

Oh you poor thing I will tell you to pull yourself together, but only because you have a few irrational thoughts!

You will be fine, your baby will be fine and most importantly your dd will be fine. I'm sorry for all your struggles, it makes what should be the most wonderful time in your life, a very stressed and a little bit of a sad time.

We tried for 3 years and suffered 4 mcs to have ds who is now 7. I was so, so grateful for him that I was almost in a bit of shock that OMG I actually have a baby and finally realised it when he was about 6 months old! I didn't wrap him up in cotton wool, it was more me- I was the pathetic parent who had to have everything just perfect, and our life was. We began ttcing when he was 2 and I fell pg wfter 2 cycles, perfect timing as I'd hoped but as soon as I was pg I remember looking at ds and thinking Oh God, what have I done to you? I had shifted him to being a big brother, I was sacrificing the time I had with him as I would need to share it after the baby came along, etc etc etc. Dd was born when he was 2y9m and all was perfect, he was growing up perfectly and took on his new role wonderfully. My gulit left me because I would never have had an only child and I managed to juggle things pretty well so it all worked out fine. Dd is now 4 and they, for the most part, get along lovely. They also have their moments, multiplied also because he is so careful and precise but she is like a mini whirlwind! Not exactly compatible! I was so grateful for ds that I also found the fact that I had no struggle to concieve dd almost wierd....IYSWIM. It's all I knew and so all I expected.

I am now 20 wks (today!) pg with baby no 3, which was a massive gamble and decision to make. The children we have are perfect- healthy, one of each, becoming independent etc and so to decide to have no3 was a big decision, one which I am delighted we have made (even if spd says otherwise ) but again I had the massive guilt pangs, darling ds will be the eldest of 3 where I actually think he would like to be the baby, dd could possibly do with not being a stereotypical middle child and so I will do my dammdest to make sure she is not, and it also just changes the whole dynamics of our family. I also worried that I was pushing my luck- again, as I was so grateful for what I have, wondered if I was being greedy to hope for a 3rd? I had another mc in October, and then fell pg with this baby in March. I am 35 now too, which doesn't help. My bloods came back with a high risk category for down's so we decided to have the amnio, I won't deny it was for us and to enable us to make a decision if the baby did have down's of what we would do, but ultimately it was for the children- we had to consider them, and we considered them plenty when we decided to have no3 as it will impact on them and so a baby with difficulties would have too, more so. The results were clear, baby does not have down's, and so I have decided to throw myself wholeheartedly in to this pregnancy, even if my bones will not allow me!

Enjoy what you have, make the most of everything, it will all work out in the end. The day you give birth to your little one, you will completely forget everything you are thinking right now and you will love it as much as you love your dd, just in completely different ways- because they are completely different little people.

Congratulations, and I hope this helped

Good Lord you have gone through a lot. No wonder you feel conflicted.

Please don't spend time worrying about it. It will come together. Have you had counselling post-DD's ops etc? And to deal with the identity change? If not i think you would really benefit from that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don't feel guilty about how you feel, i think i would feel the same given all you've been through x

I understand where you're coming from.

Look at it like this, you are giving your daughter the gift of a sibling. Someone she will know all her life and be there to share the turmoils that must be faced along the way.

You do deserve it, good things do happen to good people.

You will love the new baby just as much. It might not come in the same imediate rush as first time around but it will come.

The love is doubled, not shared by halves.

What you're feeling is very normal and if you hang around these boards long enough you'll see lots of women raising exactly the same issues.

Encourage a loving relationship between the siblings from the start and you will enjoy seeing them grow and play together. My 2 DDs really are a joy to be around.

All will be well.