Midwife ...

[dazzledsazzle]

I'm 14wks w. morning, noon & night sickness & doing this preg. on my own. My midwife had rung to make a 1st appt for me. I'd called the surgery twice but as it was engaged so thought sod it, try again Monday. So, Sunday 9.15am i get a call from the Midwife , she barks 'are you at home i need to see you. I'm at the local hospital so i'll be at yours in 20mins'. Then she hung up. Somewhat miffed i staggered out of bed and thought she won't be long i can do the weekly shop after she's gone (nothing in food wise). 1.5 hours later she turns up w. no apology. I'm now grumpy as no breakfast & been sick twice.

At this point i should admit that due to an emotionally abusive parent i have issues w. controlling women so feel free to tell me its me being preg/hormonal/just me, but ...

I was asked fathers occupation... She got miffed when i said he's not in the picture and clammed up. Why? ... Its sexist, it does't ask my occupation ....and if he was say, a CEO rather than something like, say a window cleaner, how is it relevant/ does that affect level of my care? (he's a sales director, gone to US to start his dream job, he isn't going to be in picture and isn't intereseted in any way, shape or form).

I told her i had a history of depression on & off since my twenties, when i lost my Dad. She dropped her pen & shrieked "20yrs! Must have extra Sure Start"... So thanks for making me feel freakish and of course i won't cope/lets circle the wagons shall we ? (Currently well and coping great w/out medication thanks)

She bought a bag of freebies, nappies/cream/small persons stuff... I went to look and she snatched it out of my hands and went 'forms first'.... In my own home you are telling me what i can't do ? Seriously ..? If she's like this in my own home how will she be when i am vulnerable, in agony, in labour?

Not happy, I then got frosty to say least, i know its rude but the silence got deafening so i turned tv on and watched it while she wrote on her forms for 40minutes and i replied to her questions. i am being hormonal preg woman aren't i ... I don't want her as my midwife. Am I stuck with her?

talk to drs or your local hospital about her hun, she shouldnt have treated you like that at all. tell them you want a different midwife you doont want her as she made you feel really small and unable to cope. feel sorry for you hun, they are meant to be there to help your not give you more grief and stress.

But midwives are used to dealing with hormonal pregnant people! She doesn't sound great and if you're likely to have her all the way through then changing sooner rather than later is a good plan. No point in having someone who is going to make you feel rubbish when they're supposed to be supporting you!

If it's any help, I have had and been treated for mild depression twice, and the amount of extra hassle it generated was unreal. I think they're just very well awar that PND is a big problem and they need to do better at sorting it out - so don't take it personally.

Similarly DP was absolutely furious that they had asked whether he was ever violent towards me - but it's just one of those screening questions which feels really bizarre - and they do really need to know.

Your body, your baby and your home!! Tell them you want a different midwife you need someone to make you feel comfatable and that you can go to with problems etc not someone who puts you on edge hun. this is too important a time to be 'stuck' with someone and you are legally allowed to choose who is in charge of your care

Thx Goldrill, I totally know that this could be that i am fiercely (spelling?) independent and also, I know I am odd in that I don't like people asking for personal info unless i volunteer it first ..Even when i know its a medical thing I still for some reason feel wary and uneasy giving personal information, it just feels.... too much ?

Plus hormones kicked in this week as the sickness ramped up .. aargh ...

I don't think that not liking to give out personal info is odd - especially when it's stuff that seems very unnecessary. I assumed they needed to know both our occupations in case we were in high-risk jobs (I live in a very rural area and they do seriously need to know if your DP is a farmer because of lambing etc). But if the dad is not in the picture then why do they need to know - it is no-one's business but yours!

I think you sound like you were very restrained in your response, to be honest. If MW had treated me like that there would have been a large argument at the very least.

Fingers crossed for you that the sickness will wear off soon too!

Whilst I think it sounds as if she doesn't have particularly good interpersonal skills I also think that we have only heard your side and I can't comment on a completely one-sided view of an event. However, you need to realise that in order for someone to care for you safely you will need to provide personal information to them. Midwives need to know (for your benefit not theirs) if you have any medical conditions/allergies/ reactions to medications. Depression in the antenatal period is a strong indicator of depression postnatally and for some years suicide was the biggest killer of women in the postnatal period. Information about baby's dad is relevant to some extent whether you like it or not as you have chosen to create a life with this person and if he is HIV positive/schedule 1 sex offender/has genetically inherited condition is important for your care. He may not be in the picture now but he was once. Relax and don't be so confrontational, perhaps you will never see this woman again.

Honestly, in my last (and first) pregnancy both the midwife I had before and the one I had during labour were useless.

The one I had during pregnancy repeatedly wrote my name down wrong, couldn't spell, forgot to ask for urine samples unless I put it under her nose, forgot to take my BP unless I asked her to do it and would work our how many weeks pregnant I was using a little cardboard wheely thing every bloody appointment despite my knowing to the day and telling her!!!

I am sure there are good ones out there but I think they are trained to think all pg women are stupid.

I am so not confrontational its not true reikizen. In fact i am always being told to be firmer w. people & stand up to them! I totally retreated into my shell because to be honest, i found her intimidating and she was ordering me about re the freebies, in my own home. She didn't want to know re. his health and he isn't any of the things you mentioned/doesn't have any of the things you mentioned. She just wanted his occupation. My counsellor doesn't agree that depression can always be a strong indicator of PND either.. and he is head of a whole borough's mental health team in his 'day job'. I've been off medication and doing well for a year now and her dramatics, ie. dropping the pen, pulling an appalled face and shrieking "20yrs on and off?! must have extra Sure Start !" was hurtful and made me feel like a total freak.

PS. reikizen ... she snatched the bag (meant for me) out of my hands, and you are calling me confrontational ! Interesting !

If my first pregnancy is anything to go by you're unlikely to ever see her again... I don't think I saw any midwife more than once during my pregnancy.

But my midwives during labour were wonderful. Absolutely fantastic (still get all weepy when I think about them). Would never have made it through without them.

Totally Goldrill. He has no medical conditions and no hi risk job and isn't in the picture. I didn't choose to get preg by him, it was a total shock. She didn't want his medical history just his job which i thought weird as she didn't need to know my job just his. If she needs his job bcos it might be hi risk why doesn't she need my job too ?! I am fine w. relevant/necessary medical info, its personal info that makes me wary. I've heard the receptionists loudly gossip in my Dr's surgery too often re confidential patient info so i may be hyper wary here too ...

I would be very unhappy with this. I had my midwife in my last pregnancy and again in this and she's brilliant. I have her mobile number and she always returns calls and she's always friendly.

however she's forever asking intrusive questions but I accept its her job. After all later on in pregnancy I'll be discussing constipation, sore boobs, vaginal fluids, bodily fluids, cramps and possibly my sex life with her so may as well start off on the right foot

I would never however mind her being late (she's always late) as midwives simply can not be sure what state their previous patient will be in and a decent midwife will make time to deal with them as she did with me when I sobbed on her and covered her in snot during my last pg or when she popped round at 10.30pm when i was 20 weeks this time because I had it into my head I was losing baby when i wasn't.

Your midwife may have been having a bad morning. I wouldn't have been impressed but maybe give her another chance and see if she's any better next time then ask to change if you still can't stand her

I'm all good/fine on the necessary medical questions onthedge , its questions about father's occupation & location that made me clam up. She wasn't asking about his health history at all & how his occupation was relevant and mine wasn't is still a mystery. I rang the surgery and don't have to see her again, she is covering for the normal midwife. Relief !

Firstly it sounds as though your forms are different to mine. With mine the wanted to know both our occupations and both our medical histories so ot's strange that yours are different.

Anyway, I had a horrible midwife for my booking in appt with dc1. She told me she was coming straight to me in the morning as she lived round the corner and the surgery was about 5 miles away. Then she turned up an hour and a half late with no reason or apology. She was rude and abrupt about my concerns that I'd been bleeding a huge amount during the pregnancy so far. She said at one point something like "well there's nothing I can do about it is there"! She was just generally horrible and when she'd finished she didn't say anything, just got up and walked out the door. I then only saw mw's a m scans until I was about 27/28 weeks because I thought that there was no point in seeing someone like her. Luckily I had moved in between and got a new mw who was just so lovely.

Ask for a new mw!

She doesn't sound nice :(. At least you won't be seeing her again :)

I've been asked about my 'home' and 'financial' situation at every appt to check if I have any concerns rather than them being nosy IYSWIM so don't be surprised about that.

My midwife is very nice... BUT... she's a bit useless. I'm at the point now where I'm getting home visits... the appointment 'time' is usually 'anytime after 9am' and then she turns up at 4.30pm. She seems to always leave me til last and always seems to be in a mad rush to get away. I feel like it's cos I'm low risk. ONE time I was with her for half an hour cos the appointment after mine cancelled. I told girl at work the next day (also pregnant) and she said her appointments are always half an hour... mine are ten mins max. She always forgets something, whether it's my bp, urine or measuring and I have to remind her. At one appointment I asked her a question at the end and she said 'oh we'll talk about that next time'. Another time, as she was running out the door, she said 'as soon as you notice a pattern in pain, get to the hospital'. I thought you're supposed to wait til it's quite frequent? I just don't feel like she takes me seriously and DH is very annoyed at her.

At my first appointment, the midwife said there was no box to tick for 'Irish' and she would just tick 'British' (I'm Irish living in England). At the time I didn't argue but afterwards I was in my extreme hormonal stage and got really upset about this (cos there WAS a box for Irish). I asked for it to be changed at next appointment and she explained that it won't make a difference to my care... like THAT'S the point I'm trying to make?

She sounds horrible, I think you should ask for a different midwife if you can. I haven't had my "real" midwife many times due to a million reasons (she was on holiday, getting married, had a day off due to a nightshift the night before etc etc) and one of the stand ins I had was quite unpleasant and I found her upsetting. If she was my regular midwife I would definitely have asked to change.

Puffpants midwives are required to use the gestational wheel at every appointment. I know it appears silly, and you may know to the day how pregnant you are, but lots of women really only have a vague idea, or may be wrong. Care in pregnancy is very time sensitive - you could make a serious mistake in scheduling something if you guessed a woman's gestation!!!

OP, in our area both parents' occupations are recorded - it's about high risk jobs for pregnancy as well as social class/deprivation scoring. I too think it is incredibly sexist and out of date to ask only the father's occupation, and I would mention that I thought so, but it is hardly the individual miwife's fault! If you're that bothered take it up with the NHS Trust.

When I first read your post OP, it made me think of when my (now) husband and I were getting licences for our wedding. On the forms, the registrar records our father's occupation. Not our mother's, or leaves it out for adults with their own.occupations (although ours were recorded to). It is very old-fashioned and somewhat sexist, but it isn't there to be hurtful. I might not have liked it, but that's not the registrar's fault.

Despite the MW sounding bossy & rude in your description, could it be that the difficult situation you find yourself in & your personal history with your father, in combination with hormones etc make you a bit over-sensitive n? See if its the same MW next time, if it is, see if its any better, otherwise ask for a new one. If its a different one, no need to worry.

Well they never used the gestational wheel to work mine out. Maybe as they knew I had an MA I could be trusted to work it out myself. Perhaps thats why they ask the questions.

Reminds me with dd2 when I was referred to EPU for early bleeding. GP used the wheel and gave me an EDD a month too late..... turned out she thought it was june not may

OP there are two types of midwife, the caring who like women and babies and the bizarrely sadistic. Refuse to see her again if you dont want to.