12 weeks pregnant and wanting to separate

[Coldfeetprego]

Hello everyone, I come to you seeking advice. I am very happy to be pregnant but, through many arguments and disagreements, am also coming to realize that I might really not want to be with my fiance, the child's father. We have been together for three years, we are both 35. We have been very different from the start (I am pretty independent, love my career, have lived all over the world, he comes from a very close-knit family, is an only child, and has practically no ambition). What do we fight about? Mostly money now that we are looking for a house together. He resents my looking for nice comfortable homes. He makes half of what I make, and is still finishing his degree, so he would be happy with me adapting to his lifestyle while I expect him to man up, graduate, and find a better job to support the baby. I don´t want to struggle at this age simply because he only works six hours a day! His parents have always made him believe he is the smartest person in the world, so his immaturity has gone unchecked. He has very few friends and doesn't get along too well with colleagues. All this I thought was quirkiness, but now I am wondering if I can really stand living with him, although of course I want to be good friends and involved parents together. But I think perhaps I don't love him, the desire is gone and frankly, he bores me. He is a good person, but we cannot seem to agree on anything anymore, and I wonder if I want my child to be around that once he/she is born! Any advice or similar stories?

aww bless you. i was with a guy like that for ten years til i decided enough was enough last year. it might just be you hormones talking but if ur not happy dont wait as long as i did xx

Coldfeetprego, it sounds like your independence is going to be key to this. With what you've said, you will likely be able to cope on your own as long as you have a lot of support around you. Right now you need to concentrate on your baby and if having your DP around is distracting and worrying you, then maybe suggest a break in the house-hunting for now to really try and get a grip of how you feel.

As Lora has suggested, your hormones may also be involved, but you sound like you know how you feel. Also, I would think (and I have no experience at all) that if you are going to break up, it would be better to do it before the baby arrives, because when the baby is born it will be a massive shock to the system. Better to cope with the assistance of friends and family from day one, than have him around and then have to cope without him if you split, IYSWIM? You would still cope, a lot of people do, but if you already feel that way, don't prolong it.

Good luck!

I wouldn't make any hasty decisions whilst you're pregnant, it's a strange time for you physically and mentally and things may seem very different when the baby is born. You never know he might surprise you and step up to the mark when he is a father, I know it completely changed my partner's outlook on life and gave him the kick up the arse he needed!

I would echo, don't make any hasty decisions, take your time! I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and in the earlier stages of my pregnancy I just could have killed my DH on a regular basis and wondered if I'd made the right decisions to get married, often there was no rational explanation for my feelings, I couldn't bear to listen to him talking, sometimes even be near me! Now I'm still hormonal but I feel very differently about my relationship, I know that it was my hormones talking, it's feeling much more normal and on an even keel... It's a stressful time that puts pressure on already stressed relationships.
I know how it feels for a momentous occasion in your life to cause you to reassess how suitable someone is for you to spend your future with - or not. From that point of view my current relationship was good before the pregnancy, just under pressure from recent mc's so that is different. I'm not at all suggesting that you stay in an unhappy relationship but maybe take your time to get through the crazy highs and lows of early pregnancy before making a decision that will affect your life forever.

Oh ladies! Thanks you so much for your words! Sometimes I wonder if I just wanted a baby so bad that I glossed over these things before...

Lora: to be honest, my previous men were terribly smart and exciting but completely unreliable, so I guess this is less in comparison. But yes, ten years sounds like an eternity!

Adayforthinking: yes, independence and resources are key, and I am fortunate in that sense- like everyone else said, it might be the hormones, also responsible for the lack of oomph sex-drive-wise. Part of me would want to break it off right now, that thing is, I really fear his reaction (when a previous girlfriend left him, he was unable to cope for months, and I know how much this child means to him, I think he would flip completely).

lotstar and Kellbels: your insistence on the topic of hormones is probably right on and reminds me of my madness just a month ago. I would cry incessantly (this was a wanted child!) and just seeing my boyfriend made me hate him very intensely. The stuff that was just idiosyncratic before turned into a huge deal. I feel like I am dealing with a petulant child, but then again, he was the same person before conception...

I am making inquiries about a therapist, and still looking for a place since whether it´s the three of us or just baby and I, I will still need a bigger place. It just seems that living with him will be more of a hassle than a help... but yes, I will wait cautiously... and try to take it in stride.

Thanks for you advice on this sleepless night!