20 weeks and don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this

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I don't know where to start so apologies if this is a bit hap hazard.

Before I became pregnant, I was constantly out with my friends and booking weekends away and generally having a blast. Hubby works weird shifts and when he is home he's mostly on-call (which he doesn't have much say over) so we can't do things together and when we do it's mostly just the cinema or going for a meal. For the first 3 months I was ok with not going out but now am feeling so left out and forlorn at not being able to go away with my friends and have a drink and a laugh.

Since the start of my pregnancy I've put on a stone - it's probably not a great deal but for someone who has constantly battled to keep the weight off for the last 10 years it's something I'm really struggling with and not coping with very well (got to goal weight 10 years ago and only ever let myself put on 5lb before losing it again). I'm going on a hen do tomorrow night and the dress I was going to wear doesn't fit me anymore and I though it was quite baggy on me the last time I wore it on New Year's Eve! Hardly any of my clothes fit me and when I do go shopping for more, I feel and look mahoosive in everything and that upsets me even more. I know it's only going to get worse.

I've been feeling like this for the past couple of months and cry on a lot of occasions thinking if I've done the right thing - I was always in two minds whether I wanted children, hubby was always adamant he wanted them but something clicked in me at the end of last year so we started trying, but now...

Is this something everyone goes through? When I tried to talk to my sister about it - who has just had her second child - she just didn't understand and made me feel worse for even thinking these things (then again, she never went out with friends much before she had her first and has never struggled with her weight)

Thank you if you've read this far, I just don't know if I'm normal!!

sorry you are feeling low

fwiw I always feel like this when pregnant. I find the weight thing a real struggle as I can't stop eating (have much more control when I am not pregnant), feel like shit all the time, have no energy to go out. I have come to the conclusion that I am mildly depressed when pregnant.

Some women do feel great when pg. I am not one of them! So I think you are normal.

BUT it gets better, honestly.

Aww... as conditioned as we are to feel bad about our bodies and weight.. it really is normal to put on some weight (not masses, but you haven't put on masses) during pregnancy and of course some of your clothes won't fit or if they do they may not look the same. Its pregnancy and its temporary.

I understand it goes against your close monitoring of your body that you have been used to... but you kind of have to allow yourself some leaway because its not just your body you are weighing and clothing. Its your body, plus your baby's body, your enlarged uterus, extra blood, extra fluid, baby's amniotic fluid, extra breast tissue and essential fat reserves for pregnancy and breastfeeding. Its normal for pregnancy, even if its unusual for you.

Speak to your midwife about healthy weight gain in pregnancy for your normal size. I'm certain that you are doing fine. You just need to concentrate on what you input into your body - eating well and exercising (gently if you aren't used to it, or moderately if you are) but focus less on the outcome - that number of the scale or how your favourite dress fits. That way you'll be as healthy as you can be in your pregnancy.

I hope I haven't sounded unsympathetic. I do understand its difficult to let go of the outcomes you've been judging your body by. I was losing weight for 9 months before I got pregnant, but had only lost halfway to my goal (6 out of 12 stone). I've still been weighing myself and watching what I eat because as I'm still obese, it's important for me to minimise my weight gain during pregnancy. BUT I've had to set aside my original timescale for losing weight till after baby is born and I've established breastfeeding.

Two suggestions, one more frivolous than the other:

1. How about treating yourself to some fab maternity wear? Clothes that have been designed to fit the bodies of pregnant women, that you can buy in your original size might help cheer you up.
2. If feeling down persists, please mention it to your midwife. Post-natal depression is becoming more well recognised, but it is possible to suffer from ante-natal depression too. Its a huge change in your body and your life to become pregnant and if that's not enough to deal with, you hormones will be affecting your mood too.

Please take care of yourself and be gentle with your body. Its doing something amazing in growing your baby, but in order to do it, it will change in ways that may make you feel uncomfortable. Try to think about how you'd speak to a pregnant best friend, you'd try to remind her that its normal to change body shape in pregnancy. :)

Forgot to say, but do try and arrange some fun things with your friends. You are pregnant, not an invalid or a hermit. You can go out and enjoy yourself. There might be adjustments that you need to make (less drinking, shorter nights if you are sick/tired.. etc) but you can still do things.

Even if you are suffering badly with symptoms in pregnancy, say with hyperemisis or SPD, you can still do some of things you enjoy and stay connected with your friends even if its phonecalls and movie nights rather than dancing the night away.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.
Spirited - You lost 6 stone? That's amazing! Well done.

I know everything you've written is true but I still can't help feeling this way.

Thank you for your tips but the maternity clothes out there are awful, not to my taste at all - I'm not a girly girl plus I have gone up a dress size so I wouldn't be buying my normal size. Both of these things depress me.

I've been lucky during the pregnancy so far - only a little nausea which stopped at 10 weeks so I guess I should be thankful. Although, I've been suffering with constipation for around 8 years but the medication I was taking I've been told I can't take now. It's been a struggle to find something that works and even this (a very large bowl of all bran and 30mls of lactulose before bed) is taking it's toll on me. No amount of veg seems to work, only makes me bloated, uncomfortable with severe pains and eating all bran every day is becoming tedious.

My friends and I do go to the cinema, for meals etc, but they'd rather spend their money and Saturday nights out clubbing. I do go with them sometimes but there's only so long I can be in a pub sober with everyone else drunk (plus the issue of having no clothes that I feel good in makes it worse)! My point is I want to go out but want to drink too.

I will mention it to my mid-wife, but the next time I see her is in abut 5 weeks time so maybe I'll call her before then.

Thanks again for replying

Perhaps the pregnancy is highlighting the massive changes that will have to happen anyway and its earlier than expected & a far bigger change than expected? I mean, did you think you would be out clubbing with your friends with a newborn?

It's obviously going to be a huge adjustment if most of your social life resolves around the pub/clubbing. Do you do any antenatal activities, such as yoga, aquacise or similar? If not, I would recommend you start something, not for the exercise, but to start changing your social group. You need friends that have interests in common - not just getting drunk. You will need to have a life after baby too, but that won't (hopefully) revolve around alcohol either and maybe you can start on developing a social network now.

Also, have you looked online for clothes? There are loads of different styles & options available so you might find something you like.

I'm surprised you commenting about going up a size - how can you tell??!! With a nearly 20wk bump myself (DC#2 for me so probably a bit bigger than with #1 admittedly) I can't put my normal clothes on and get them to fit. If I don't buy maternity clothes, then yes, I have gone up a size (or 2)!! Plus, different shops have different sizing. I'm med-large in top shop, med in h&m but small in M&S... My size hasn't changed between shops!!! How about getting a good, trusted friend, have a girly day out shopping, trying on clothes you like the look of? If the label makes you miserable but you look good in the outfit, cut the label out after buying it...

Being pregnant/having a baby is a HUGE MASSIVE life changing event, more than you realise until you do it... It's emotional & throws lots of your previous behaviours into a brand new light. That's hard. Don't feel badly for finding it difficult. If you find it challenging to make any changes or take any small steps towards feeling happier, as suggested here (& it won't happen overnight obviously) then you should def discuss with your MW.

Not all maternity clothes are "girly" (I'm not either!) and they really will make a big difference to how you feel - I found that because they were tailored to someone with a big belly, they made me look pregnant instead of fat like normal larger clothes! And that helped me feel like less of a sack of potatoes.

Also, maternity wear is designed to compensate for the gain around the waist, thighs and breasts in pregnancy, so if you were a 12 before, you'll still be a 12 in maternity wear even if you're a 14-16 now in "normal" clothes iyswim. I don't gain on my thighs/boobs when pregnant so I've actually gone down a size in mat wear :)

Hello, sorry you are feeling like this. I think there is so much expectation on pregnant women to be happy, excited, glowing etc that it makes it even harder if you're not.

On the social life thing - I agree with Chunky that it would be great if you could start making new friends who are more willing to do pregnancy/baby friendly activities. NCT meet ups, pregnancy yoga classes, mumsnet local could be good routes. I know it's not quite the same as spending time with your existing friends but it sounds like they are not willing to adapt to include you , so better to start making new friends now as you'll need them even more post birth!

On the weight - you say it will only get worse. However I actually think it will be better in a few weeks once you have a proper bump and are clearly pregnant rather than fat! Do look for maternity clothes - Topshop and Gap have good non girly ranges.

Hello:) Yes, this is normal. I found 20 weeks the back breaker kind of thing. Before then I could just about be normal, then after 20 weeks, I realised I really was big, and pregnant, my life was going to change blah blah. I was a sales rep travelling all over the country, nights away etc, and suddenly that was hard, and also, it meant I was used to being on my own alot, which made joining groups quite hard - i'm not a group person. I was never 100% sure I wanted kids, and sometimes now and again, when I'm in a mood I really miss my festival going, holidaying, fun weekends with my old pals etc, but hey - they were such good times, they would be missed. These days with your pals WILL come again:) Your pals will soon catch you up re kids wise. In the meantime, as others have said, join some groups with others in the same boat. And also, remember, hormones + life changing baby = worry. Perfectly normal x

Becoming pregnant and having a child meant I pretty much lost my friends. Our lives just became so different that we struggle to relate to each other anymore. But I made loads of new friends in post natal groups who are amazing and I'm far closer to them than I am to my old friends. We all go out regularly and totally understand if someone can't make it till 8.30 because they're putting their LO to bed, or if someone leaves early because they're tired. 7 of us went out last night and despite 3 of us being pregnant we still had a great time and didn't get home till 2am.

Life will change and you just have to embrace it. Trying to hold onto the past is never going to work out. If your friends are good friends they'll want to spend time with you sober and not just in clubs till 4am. If they don't want to do that, there are other people out there who will want to.

In terms of weight I can empathise slightly. I didn't exactly struggle with my weight before becoming pg, in fact I had got to a stage where I found it very easy to stay less than 9 stone. Then I fell pregnant and piled the weight on and felt pretty miserable about it. I felt as though there was nothing I could do as I was constantly hungry and ignoring the hunger was absolute torture. I can understand what it feels like to look in the mirror and to feel like it's just wrong and not 'you'. But I found it easier as I became much more obviously pregnant, rather than just looking a lot bigger than usual.

If you can stick to a healthy diet and keep control of the weight gain then great, if not then you can always try and do something about it afterwards. But please try not to put too much pressure on yourself. There are more more important things in your life than getting into your old jeans, but if you can get into walking with your LO, maybe yoga, Pilates etc then you should hopefully get back there one day.