Pregnant after termination - feelings of guilt and fear - long, sorry!

[spg1983]

Hi all,
Am probably going to sound like an idiot but I really don't want to be bottling this up for much longer...

I'm currently 5 weeks pg, I feel absolutely disgusting (sore boobs, always hungry, nausea etc) but am taking that as a good sign. Lots of little cramps, pains, niggles etc in abdomen and lots of cm - meaning I'm visiting the loo every hour or so to check it's not blood (it's not). I'm really stressing about all of these pains etc and although everything I've found on mumsnet has reassured me, I just can't shake this feeling that something's going to go wrong. I'm working full-time so that distracts me a lot of the time but I'm really stressing about EVERYTHING pregnancy related - am so scared I'm going to lose the baby but can't actually name a physical reason which is causing me to feel this way as the symptoms are constantly there and very strong.

However, having thought about this, I think I'm starting to make sense of things and why I'm feeling like this. 5 years ago, about 3 months after I got together with my DP (now my DH), I got pregnant and for various reasons (new and untested relationship, DP had 1 yr old son and had only just split from ex - still sorting divorce/custody/money etc, I wasn't in a permanent job and still studying), we decided to terminate at 7 weeks. Although I know that it was the right decision in a practical sense, I still think about what could've been. I think what bugs me the most is the fact that DH and I are still together so there's still that thought in my head that things may have worked if we'd kept the baby - of course we'll never know that now.

I think that my problem is that I'm feeling so guilty about terminating our first baby, I somehow feel that this pregnancy will be taken away from me too as a kind of 'karma' or divine retribution - not sure if that makes sense. I feel guilty about enjoying the new sensations and am interpreting every signal from my body as a sign of doom as that's maybe what I 'deserve'.

Has anybody experienced the same thing? I think I need to go and talk to someone about this, don't I???

Thanks for reading.

Hi

I haven't experianced the same thing but I am sure that people will be along soon who have.
I just wanted to say though that what you said in your first part of your post, before even mentioning the earlier termination, is perfectly normal, both physically and emotionall for anyone in early pregnancy, especially your first, which this is really for you no matter what has happened before.
Of course you probably are being effected a bit more by past events, but really it is normal and it does get better once you are past the first stage. Though I would be wrong to say you stop worrying alltogether!

Congratulations! you sound like you haves ome good strong pregnancy hormones going on there!

I've been there. DP (now DH) and I had been together for 6 months when I fell pregnant. His mum had gone missing (from hospital) and we'd been so worried and searching for her (for six days) that I think I must have forgotten to take my pill. I realised on NYE that I hadn't had my period for a while and took a test, it came back positive. I didn't know what to do. His mum had just been found dead, we'd had the funeral the day before Christmas Eve and we were just about to move in together (years contract on 1 bed upstairs flat). Everything felt like it was so up in the air. We went away on holiday and it gave us time to think (already planned before his mum) about everything and I just felt that we were too unstable to have a baby. He was drinking heavily with the loss of his mum, we had no savings only debts and we were about to move into a flat with no idea of how much things would cost and no way to make savings. On top of that I spoke to my mum who said "if you have this baby you will be tied to him forever so be sure" and I just felt that although I knew I loved him it had only been 6 months and how could I decide on forever. I changed my mind 100 times but couldn't see anyway to keep the baby. My friend took us as neither of us were driving at the time and I will never forget when I came out how sad I was, how much I regretted it, I made a joke about something to my friend because laughing was my way of pushing it to the back of my mind. When we got home he said to me "did you go through with it?" I was so shocked that he asked that, he'd thought that me laughing must have meant that I hadn't and he told me that he was hoping I wasn't going to go through with it. It was like my insides had been ripped out, he'd lost his mum and then I'd taken his baby, I had been 9 weeks pregnant. That guilt has stayed with me forever.

Three and a half years later, we're married, we have a house and a gorgeous little 7mo daughter. When I found out I was pregnant I gave the test to DH in a gift box, I wanted it to be special for him. He was so happy. We told our family at around 8 weeks but we didn't tell friends or work until we were about 17 weeks. I couldn't bring myself to tell people, I didn't want them to know in case anything bad happened to the baby and they felt sorry for me. I honestly thought that something terrible would happen and so I couldn't tell peope. Even when people did know I still whispered about it because I didn't want anyone else to find out, just in case. I was terrified at every scan that something was going to go wrong, every time I didn't feel her move I was worried. Then I thought I was going to die in childbirth, so much so I made sure all of my life insurance documents were reachable and I drew up a will.

I think we all deal with things in general in different ways. I can't say there are many women out there who don't regret a termination even if they knew it was the right thing. The thing is, sometimes it is the right thing, it just doesn't feel like it. I know it was the right thing for us, doesn't make it any easier though. I know that if we'd gone through with the pregnancy that the flat we'd been living in (full of mould and carpet moths) would have been no place for a baby. I know that right now we would have more debt than before and I know that we probably wouldn't be married and wouldn't have our house. I know that we would have had a beautiful baby if I hadn't have gone through with it and I know I wouldn't have regretted that BUT I wanted more for my children and I know that if I had gone through with it then I would have regretted not being able to give s/he more. I know we wouldn't have DD and she is our everything. She makes it all worth it.

Your baby will be fine, you have not done anything wrong you just did something very hard and sad and you will never get over it but don't let it impact your baby now. I let it impact my whole pregnancy and I deeply regret that.

So sorry to read your stories spg and mrswee

I had a termination for medical reasons - a decision which I took in the rest of my family's best interests (DH and DC1) (left to me, I would have kept it). For a while I definitely felt like I needed to be punished for doing such a terrible thing and I struggled with the decision for quite a while afterwards.

Eventually, wonderful Mumsnetters helped me to accept that you have to focus on the reasons you took the decision at the time - I'm sure all those reasons are still valid and you would take the same decision again in the same situation. It is terribly hard to live with this sort of thing and a new pregnancy brings it all home again but but life does go on.

The most important thing to remember is that you do not deserve to be punished for the choice you made and there is no reason to think that the new baby will not be absolutely fine. Also, you want the new baby to grow surrounded by love and happy thoughts - I think there is science to back this up that your stress levels can affect the baby's development from the earliest stages but even if I am wrong about that, a new pregnancy is a fresh start and the tiny baby deserves all the love you can give it.

I am 30 weeks with DC2, and I just blanked out thinking about the new baby until we had got past the first scans and got the all clear for everything, and since then I have tried to draw a line under the past and be positive and happy - I'm still sad for the lost baby but am concentrating on the present. All the aches and pains you are feeling sound totally normal and your strong emotions may be because the massive hormone changes which are happening are unsettling you.

My hospital has an Early Pregnancy unit where you can just turn up and ask for a scan in the early weeks before the first "official" scan. From about 7 weeks they can see the heartbeat and it is hugely reassuring, so that might be something to ask your doctor about.

Sorry - a bit of a rant but I hope something in there helps. Don't be harsh on yourself and try to think about the happiness that the new baby will bring. Take care.

I too have felt bad about this pregnancy as I had a termination when my youngest was 9 months . We jus couldn't have kept the baby my husband lost his job I wasn't working it was a really bad time . Then when I went through with it what made it worse is my dp also thought I wouldn't do it even tho ge had agreed it was the right thing to do . I felt horrific it was jus the worst experience I've ever had ! I've never spoken about it only to my mum. No one else know even now nearly 5 years later ! When we found out this Is our third girl dp said the one "I got rid of was probably a boy" I couldn't believe he said that made me feel so crap and guilty !

But you have to move on and get on with this pregnancy and keep telling yourself it was the right descision at the time ! And Congrats on your pregnancy xxx

I fell pregnant in the first week of being with my DP (soon to be DH) and we had a termination. Interestingly, it bothered him a lot more than it did me and he was the one who worried his way to the 12 week scan.

I'm fairly pragmatic and to me the termination of a cluster of cels that had the potential to develop into a baby was a reasonable and responsible thing to do, given the circumstances. DP comes from a catholic family and it greived him more. My mother was really sick at the time and I honestly don't think I had the emotional scope to feel guilty over something that may never have been at that time.

Although, when I had the termination I remeber thinking 'I'll always remember this date' - but I didn't. I could only tell you the month it happened and for different reaons.

So, a long way to say, that time is a great healer. Try and relax and enjoy being pregnant. Learn to love the negative symptoms too, as they're positive reinforcement of your pregnancy. I loved being 'reminded' I was pregant by my body in the first trimester! Now I'm moving into my third and feel comfortable and happy.

You'll be absolutely fine. Statistics and common sense are on your side. Your baby will be fine. Enjoy!

Been there too. My now husband and I were 'going out' for maybe a year but we were pretty emotionally stunted at the time and hadn't even discussed staying together at that point. It would have finished us I think, he was very young then, he will be a youngish dad now but then he was just a boy really and still a student. I was poorly having a relapse of an anxiety condition and on major medication. So the right decision on paper but I feel guilty that I made the decision within seconds, based if am honest, on wanting to keep my relationship. Now of course that it all worked out I wondr would it have done so anyway. Guilt is horrible. I try not to think about it, but had the same karma fear, still do I guess. And scared will feel even more guilty when I have a baby. Don't think there is a solution, be kind to yourself is all. And forgive yourself.

Hi, this is the first time posting looking for much needed advice! I had a much regretted termination almost 4 weeks ago I am so sad and feel a huge amount of guilt i have 3 children, all the reasons I had I now think were ridiculous, we would have managed, I so wish to turn the clock back but I know that cant ever happen, my partner suggested trying again, as much as I want to, I have this feeling that it's wrong like the child I didnt keep means nothing, is it morally wrong to have a termination and to then the try again? I dont mean to upset any one on here I'm just in a really difficult place and have no one to talk to.

Yes I’ve been there

DH and I had a termination 4 years ago.

We’d only just got together and other complications.

I still feel guilty. DH says he does too sometimes but we did it and we made the decision we needed to at the time

Currently 9 weeks with planned baby #2 and feeling dreadful, but guilty and happy

I've been in a similar boat only my termination was from a previous, abusive relationship. I've always felt it was the right thing to do and never regretted my choice. It allowed me to build a career, find a loving partner who I adore and become independent.

That said, when we decided to try, I had a lot of guilt and trust issues come to the surface and now I'm pregnant my anxiety has shot through the roof (I think due to the guilt).

I would say talk to your husband, friends and family. Everything in life happens got a reason. Xxx