How shall I have this conversation with MIL?

[WaitingForMe]

I get on pretty well with my MIL but I struggle with the fact she is very passive aggressive and negative. She also likes to label people and isn't good at adjusting her views (eg. insists her son has never liked fish and insists on surprise and mild indignation that this is no longer true every time he mentions eating fish).

The baby is my mum's first grandchild and her third (her two other grandkids are my stepsons).

My mum is hugely excited and has bought us a cot and dresser and is getting really involved. MIL isn't at all but grumbles about being left out. She's also due to have surgery so DH is reminded endlessly she can't commit to anything.

My plan is to go over for coffee so it's just the two of us and tell her I'd love her to get involved if she wants to. She knits (my mum doesn't) but I know she'll shoot that down as she won't want to start something she might not finish (although she's known about the baby for 10 weeks and done nothing). I could suggest we go shopping but she likes to plead poverty (utter bollocks). I'm not sure what to say. She's convinced I'm an insane control freak (I have OCD and she's prejudiced against mental illness) so I doubt she'll make a first move.

I'm sure I've painted her terribly but she's great with my stepsons and she IS my baby's grandmother! DHs attitude is to leave her to her passive aggression but I feel she deserves another chance to get involved. I'm willing to make the moves, I'm just not sure where to start.

Go with the knitting, It in her comfort zone too.

Buy some wool and take it over, you could butter her up a bit - I saw this lovely wool and I know you can knit beautiful / amazing things.
If you have bought the wool she cannot plead poverty.

Its a great time to bond and you sound as though you are keen.

Agree with missnevermind about the knitting.

My MiL is very similar to this. DS is now 15 months and she's only seen him a handful of times, and only ever if we go to visit her (lives 10 mins away, and drives etc so no reason she can't come here). I used to get really upset by it all, but have accepted now that she is missing her grandson growing up, it's her loss as he is fabulous, she doesn't know what she's missing

My MIL has been complaining about being 'left out' and that my Mum is taking over - as far as I can tell, this is because my Mum understands we are not well off and has coordinated a huge effort to kit us out with nearly everything we might need from my sibs who have had kids recently. And MIL has done nothing/bought nothing/not asked much/doesn't even speak to me about what we might like or need - and DH is not terribly forthcoming if not asked directly as he doesn't like to seem 'needy'. I'm afraid my response is to do bugger all. If she wishes to try and make this time all about her or stressful when it should be happy then that's her problem NOT MINE!

It's MIL's 1st GC - I thought she'd be excited but it doesn't seem so - my DM's 17th GC and I thought she'd not be that bothered (after so many :o) and I couldn't have been more wrong.

Sounds a bit like my MIL. Not sure about yours, but mine is a pain in the arse, but as soon as I had my 1st, she calmed down a bit. I think the idea about knitting is good - maybe go for a coffee and trip to the wool shop to look at patterns. My MIL and her crazy sister knit, and I must say they do it well - you could butter her up by saying what a skill it is, and what a shame it's a dying art - knitted clothes mean so much more as they take longer and are so much more personal.

She's lucky to have a daughter in law like you, you could have a 'stuff her' attitude and totally exclude her. Sure it will be ok, and as for OCD, maybe she just doesn't understand. Maybe it's her age - they didn't have so much understanding about things like that in her day, whereas today we all do, so we dont' see it as an issue.

Enjoy your pregnancy and try not to worry about her too much

I'm not sure how involved you can be with someone elses pregnancy TBH, I wouldn't worry about it!
sounds like from this thread that being involved = buying/making stuff (I mean what else can you do? they can't cuddle it yet etc!) and buying/making stuff isn't something you ASK for, its given and she's free to shop till she drops or knit if she wants.

I guess it is mostly buying/making stuff but I don't expect anything. The reason I want the conversation is that my MIL has made it clear she feels left out. I'm making guesses about what she actually wants.

I'm not sure how else they can get involved either - I mean, I talk to my DM several times a week about the pregnancy - because she's my mum. I don't want to talk to someone, not related to me, about most of my pregnancy symptoms as it'd be TMI!

Knitting sounds a great angle, and I'm sure even if she grumbles & sounds negative initially she'll actually be really pleased to be the baby's designated knitter and to have her skill pointed out & utilised like this.

Weirdly, I've got the opposite MIL/mum issue. My MIL is really interested & involved, even though my SIL (her daughter) is also expecting & is due first. My mum is really interested when I see her (not so often as she lives 2.5 hours away versus 40 minutes for my MIL) but on phone calls I just hear about their house renovations. I can't tell if she's paranoid about being too interfering - in which case I need to get her involved more to show her I don't think she's interfering - or if she's actually less interested....

You sound lovely, OP, and given your openness and real desire to include her, I'm sure it will all work out.

I wonder whether it might be enough for her if you just talk to her lots about what's happening, so that she feels part of it - tell her about scans beforehand, and make sure you bring scan pictures over straight away to show her; talk to her every few days, and mention if the baby is moving more/hiccuping etc. You naturally probably talk more to your own mum about it, and your DH might not be sharing with her all the details that women like!

As for active involvement, only she really knows what level of involvement she wants and will satisfy her. Maybe when you go over for coffee (which is a lovely idea), after giving her the latest news about what's been happening, you could just ask her very nicely and non-passive-aggressively: 'I know you've felt a bit left out: how would you like to be more involved?'. If she makes snide comments, don't be drawn into it and just carry on nicely something like 'You're the baby's grandmother, and I really want you to feel part of this. But I can't help you with that, unless I know what you want'. It might just make her think about it herself, or she might surprise you with what she suggests.