Do you think DH is saying I'm fat?

[Spice17]

Hi all

DH is lovely BTW so no 'leave the bastard' please :) I'm currently (almost) 25 weeks and god knows how much I weigh/have put on - too scared to check, am not a blob or anything and wasn't skinny before getting pregnant (size 14)

Just noticed over past week or two that he's been saying more and more about me eating healthily and that I should not eat for two as it will be harder to shift the weight afterwards.

He is TOTALLY right, I have been eating a lot and having chocolate nearly every day and have been feebly trying to justify it saying it's my only enjoyment (no booze, no Brie etc!)

Also, before I was always watching what I ate but am now having literally whatever I want and I can see that this doesn't bode well for after the baby arrives.

Anyway, I know he's correct in what he says but my question is, do you think he's worried about me and how I'll feel afterwards or about being married to a fat, unattractive wife?!

I found the best way to deal with comments like that from my otherwise lovely OH is to remind him that it is our child I am growing in me, and I am allowed to listen to my body and eat what it tells me it needs - and if he continues with the comments I'll sit on him... ususally shut him up.

Though, that said, he does have a bit of a point - keep a healthy diet (its so hard to get back to eating a healthy balanced diet if you've spent 9 months eating cake, crisps and chocolate0, exercise and look after yourself and it will make labour, and losing the babyweight afterwards, alot easier.

He might just be going through a "must help look after the baby" phase. My DH (DC1 due next week) did this - asking every evening if I'd remembered to take my pregnacare. Baffled me a bit at first!

He stood in the kitchen on the phone to his mum the other evening explaining about the parking at the hospital... and at the supermarket... that he was now having to let me out before he parked as I couldn't get out of the car if there were other cars parked next to us. I think really he was getting at the silly size of the spaces..... but......................!

It may be both! However, he knows you well, knows you will be moany and miserable about your weight afterwards, and is trying to avoid a totally preventable situation.

If you can admit on here he's right, maybe you could meet him half way- for your own sake

I can tell you that if my DH had said that to me once, he would never have said it again

I think regardless of why he is saying it, you need to nip it in the bud. It's your body, you are an adult, he needs to let you get on with it. Believe me, you do not want to be getting comments like this when you have a newborn and are in the throes of cluster feeding and sleep deprivation!

You are going to have to lose some weight later on regardless of what you do. He needs to have some realistic expectations and not be thinking you are some celebrity mum who will ping back into shape 3 weeks after birth. So I would really talk to him about this and make it clear that you appreciate he probably has good intentions but you've got the message and he can stop reminding you now.

Or, if he's so worried about your nutrition, he can cook you a healthy and well-balanced meal every night!

I am kind of torn here! On the one hand, I can't see myself reacting very well to comments like that....on the other, rationally, he is trying to do the right thing. He is not saying it in a cruel manner. And (sorry...) but he IS right. Yes, as dreamingbohemian says, you are going to need to lose a bit of weight afterwards anyway...but is sooo much easier to lose a small amount than masses. Unless you have an underlying health condition there is no reason why you can't be exercising/eating healthily. Frankly, it's a lot easy now than it will be when the baby arrives.

As to your final point - he is probably worried about both tbh. He knows you may not feel great carrying a whole load of extra weight - and although I am sure he loves you, he, like most people, would prefer his partner to be a healthy weight. I know I wouldn't want my DH to pile on loads of weight and would support him to be healthily - and would expect him to as well. I don't mean being ultra crictical and insisting everyone be perfect, but supporting each other to be healthy and happy.

Thanks ladies, all of your comments are very helpful (and kind!) and I know he's doing it for the right reasons for the both of us. After all, who wants an unhappy, miserable about herself wife, trying to cope with a new baby.

I've never been thin, so it's not like he's used to Kate Moss so I guess he's just trying to say ease up on the chocolate a bit for christ's sake woman! I do also have a bit of an issue with occassional secret binging, so he only knows the half of it as well :( I eat when I'm bored, happy, sad you name it.

And Dreaming, yes, I might get him to cook a bit more if I can :)

First time you are pregnant you eat a lot. Some end up getting huge and some of the more unpleasant things that come with a high fat, high sugar diet.

Second time you are slightly less greedy. And sensible because you realise from your experience before that it is better for both you and the baby.

Your DH is right. annoying as that is but never tell him that

My dp was the opposite he used to cook way too much rubbish for me in my 1st pregnancy and I put on 5 stone I wish he had told me to eat healthier now as now I'm on my third I've never actually lost the weight and I'm just getting bigger ! You are of course entitled to eat what you fancy but deff don't eat for 2 as I did :(

I think he sounds concerned for you rather than mean. He is probably just thinking about how miserable you would be if you had a significant amount to lose after the baby is born. It is hard though when it does feel like pregnancy gives you the green light to eat pretty much anyhting and just worry about it later. Would it be worth weighing yourself just so you have an idea of where you are at?

I don't know... maybe he means well, I just don't think it's very helpful. The OP clearly knows she should eat properly, he should trust her and leave it at that. If he wants to help, then help by doing like I said, cooking her nice dinners not just instructing.

My DH for example has just switched to a desk job from a more active lifestyle. I know he's worried about gaining weight because of it. I suppose I could remind him about it every time I see him eat a bit of chocolate, but I'd rather be supportive by cooking healthier, etc. He's a grown man.

I agree that actions speak louder than words - so helping with the shopping and cooking would be good. Not buying foods that are unhealthy so you don't have them in the house. Perhaps the two of you could do some swimming/walking/gentle circuits together etc.

It's impossible to tell without knowing him, is he usually at all bothered by your weight/size/shape? I can tell from the way my hubby looks at me that he's not bothered by the size I am (not that I'm huge but definitely not in the skinny category), so I know when he says something about eating healthy it's out of real concern for me and the baby, not projected vanity. Also do you talk about/worry about your weight? He might not care for himself but if it makes you miserable he might be trying to help. Basically I'd say if your husband finds you sexy it's probably genuinely health that worries him.

I have a tendency to secretly binge. My diet is quit paradoxical in that I have cut out an awful lot of crap and am really super picky about what I'll put in - only the best protein, high quality fats, making sure I get in my quota of nutrition a day. I've basically had nothing but green vegetables and quality meat for six months now - with one pizza in that whole time. Rice, pasta, wheats, grains, gluten, cereals etc are all no-no's. No fizzy drinks, alcohol, not even fruit juices because of the sugar amounts!

Except for...on my way home every single day, scoffing two of those big chocolate croissants from Tescos I am admitting to this because I totally get it - the feeling of not being able to not have stuff :)

I think it's a given we will put on weight. Our bodies need to during pregnancy. But it doesn't need to be a lot of weight, and I think that's what your DH is getting at. I'm really worried about gestational diabetes - yet I can't stop with my daily croissants! I also think - it's hard for men. They have zero control or input into their child at this point - they have to put their entire faith into us that we will nurture these little babies via our own digestive activities :)

I say - focus on making sure you also get in the good stuff, and don't sweat the bad stuff so much. At least get in nutrients and sandwich the bad stuff between veggies and good meats :)

Betty - do the think the choc croissant thing is because you have set the bar so high (maybe unsustainably so...?) and hence you can't help but lose control occasionally. Where are your complex carbs coming from? Your body may be craving them by the sound of that list!

Thanks again guys, to be fair he's doing the food shopping today(while 'working from home') and says he's going to buy lots of nice fruit and veg.

I do moan about my weight at times, so I think it is out of genuine concern for how I'll feel afterwards as I do struggle to lose weight because I'm a bit greedy frankly and perhaps a bit of it is concern for our little baby's health too.

Think I may suggest we get out and about a bit more, and I've decided that if I eat a lot of rubbish at work in the day I'm going to make a big effort to cook the sort of evening meals I did when on SW diet, e.g healthy pasta dishes chilli's etc.

Have got so used to slathering butter onto jacket potatoes, eating pizza etc kidding myself it's OK if I have salad with potato and if pizza is roasted veg would never have done this before!

notyummy possibly you're right - but I get a lot of carby intake from broccoli, sweet potatoes, yams etc - I've just cut out white starchy carbs like white potatoes, bread, pasta, rice etc.

Except for these damned chocolate croissants.

I get more than enough fats - I am a massive advocate of replacing refined, starchy carbs like pasta and bread for far more sustaining fats like quality butter.

But I think also - I am greedy :) I am not hungry. I just want them I get all the sugars I "need" from fruit - doesn't stop me eating/wanting sweets.

Spice don't sweat it - like I say, keep up the veg intake and don't sweat the less than great things. It doesn't sound like he is saying you're fat - it just sounds like he's looking out for you.

My DH went through a "Please eat this organic steak and pile of Kale" stage to...I was and am lover of choc and crisps...I don't think DH thinks you're fat but he could be worried about diabetes or other health issues.

Fair enough Betty. I don't eat very much on that list myself (except for porridge - fab complex carb IMHO) but I am not pregnant! Think I would have struggled without small portions of them when I was pregnant as I was pretty active. Did put on 2 stone, but was a healthy weight to begin with, and combination of bf and exercise meant that it was all gone (plus some more!) by 5 months post birth.

Good luck Spice - very exciting time!

I get that from my dh too (he's otherwise a decent person!)
I'm sure its because he knows I'll be pissed off with the excess weight and also because he prefers me slimmer (just like I prefer him to be slim rather than 2 stone overweight)
Of course we still love each other and he never tells me to lose weight but just makes the odd comments about healthy eating, like op's dh.

I've explained to him that he can never really understand how the cravings and aversions work so to just leave it as its difficult for me.
I can't actually eat much protein at the moment. I'm off meat and fish. And very weirdly, I'm off any food that I've cooked myself so have been eating too many sandwiches.
I eat plenty of fresh fruit, salad, beans and pulses, rice and pasta too. I've not been eating much sugar except the odd biscuit and er trifle.

I think he is a decent person who is sticking his neck out giving advice he knows should be given despite it possibly earning him a mouthful.

He is right, a healthy diet is best for you and baby nutritionally speaking. Healthy doesn't mean tasteless so you could get experimental. He also knows that once you no longer have the shield of being pregnant to cushion your self body image, you could end up feeling very unhappy with your looks, and no-one wants to be dealing with reduced self-esteem as a new mum.

I say, give him a hug for looking out for you. Only our nearest and dearest care enough to say the truthful things that might not be palatable to hear. Then have some fun in the kitchen with him (oo-er ) and see how creative you can be with healthy and tasty.

Ah, thanks Gin, you're totally right he is a decent person.

It helped that later on he was feeling bump and saying how hard it was - first time I've ever had a hard stomach! :)

He sounds like a diamond. It is also hard to change habits. IN fact habits are one of the hardest things to break - however if you want to it is much easier to do so with someone like him on your team.
He's on your side, so thank him for the reality check and get him to be your food buddy while you break those habits. Maybe even confess to the secret chocolate, I don't think he will judge you for it from the sounds of him, but if it is in the open you are more likely to escape the clutches of it and I bet it doesn't make you feel proud.

I speak from experience of similar situation.

try toasted pine nuts for a tasty snack, two minutes to make just warm them in a frying pan until they are brown and they are sooooo gorgeous and healthy too. Don't even have to clean pan as a wipe with a kitchen paper does it. Loads of nice yummy ideas around to substitute for the sugary stuff. :)

first time I've ever had a hard stomach! Arf!