Can people who have had a bad childhood have kids?

[struggling100]

Hi

This is my first post, I hope I've done it right!

I'm currently 34 and my boyfriend of 3 years has started to talk about having kids. This scares the bejesus out of me. I have never seen kids as part of my life plan. , and I fear the amount of work involved will just about kill me!

My greatest reservation is really the fact that my own mother was a total nightmare. I'm not going to go into details here, but I had a miserable childhood suffering all kinds of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother, who was not at all mentally well. I have had years of counselling to get through it, and I do feel like it doesn't affect me now, but when it comes to parenthood, I really fear that I'll suddenly turn into my mother, and put another generation through the hell that I had to endure. I am very frightened that I will become the bitter, abusive, overwhelmed, emotionally out-of-control parent that she was to me. Is it possible to break out of a cycle like that? Or is it just in my genes that I will be a terrible mother? I fear the latter so much that I have never really considered that having kids would be a possibility, and it has come as a shock that my partner even thinks that we could. He says that I am a different person to my mother and thus not doomed to make the same mistakes. But I worry that I'm just 'missing an emotional piece'. I do not go soft and gooey over babies - in fact, other people's kids leave me cold. What if I just don't feel anything at all? Or worse, if I feel nothing but rage?

Further, my mother's attitude means that I know that we will be very much on our own if I decide to do this - there will be no support, no help, no extra childcare. My partner's parents live 400 miles away (and wouldn't help anyway), and my mother has made it absolutely clear that she will NOT be helping in any practical way. Apparently, she has her hands full with my sister (aged 31, still living at home). Everybody I have spoken to has said that it's very, very hard to bring up kids without support from an extended family. Is this true? I would very much like to hear from people who are in this position and to hear how they cope, and what I might have to think about financially in terms of extra childcare, or domestic help around the house. (We are fortunate, in that we haven't gone all-out for a big house, so we are quite financially secure).

Also, I don't want to give up everything to be a mother - again, because my mother did this and ended up angry and frustrated. I would like to retain some time in my week to do something for myself, even if it's just a day to do some writing. Is this possible? Or is it a hopeless pipe dream once kids come along?

Without my counselling it would not have been a sensible move - history would've been doomed to repeat itself.

As it is - I'm not the person I was - and I'm certainly not my mother.

We live overseas with no family support - and it is tough. We haven't had 5 minutes as a couple since my second son was born in February and he's turned out to be a "high-maintenance" baby.

However, despite all of our struggles and stresses, I have not once acted inappropriately towards my children or in a manner which would cause them harm.

And finally yes, it's possible to have children without becoming a total martyr to the cause. I always maintained that having children would be an addition to my life, not my raison d'etre - I still work, I've started my own business and I have a horse I ride 4/5 times a week.

welcome to MN!

It is possible to break the cycle of abuse. I did it. My dd is sweet, caring, thoughtful, funny, caring, gentle, beautiful girl.

We did that, me and her dad. we helped her understand the world around her in a way she got.

i can never remember my mum ever explaining anything to me, and i remember hiding from her when i was upset, because my tears would enrage her.

My dd will seek me out if she is feeling down. she wants me to kiss her better. and i can do that.

I dont need the memory of mum to direct me to chase her away when she is hurting, i just need to remember what i needed when i was crying and sad. i can then give that to my dd.

I tell dd every day that i love her, because i was never told and never felt loved in my own home. DH never tells her he loves her ( his parents never told him either, but they showed him, and continue to show him - you can feel the love in the room).
she knows that we both love her. And thats important.

Good luck, but remember kids come along (usually) one at a time, and they grow so that you will have a time to catch up with them.

Children don't need stay at home parents to be happy and you can continue your own life and career despite being a mum.

Obviously the most important question would be whether you want to be a parent or not. It will be hard with or without help, we do have help but if we didn't we would be fine. My mum has dd on Wednesdays for examples, some weeks she can't and I'm fine. In fact, its worse when I'm expecting the help and she has to cancel at the last second. If I don't expect the help, I don't miss it when it isn't there.

The hardest time is the first six months and a lot of women find they will refuse help during this time anyway.

I can't speak from experience as my childhood was ok, but I know I've read a lot which suggests people with negative childhoods should be perfectly capable of being parents and the fact you're so aware at this stage shows you obviously care about your potential children a lot already.

My childhood left a whole lot to be desired but I am now pregnant with my third kid (already got a son 8 and a daughter 20 months) and though I dont claim to be the best mother on earth, I do know that I do a really good job of it (and thats not just my opinion) and my kids are loved and secure and happy.

I had no support around either, particularly with my first. Living with the childs father was a bit like living with a messy useless lazy teenager so I was essentially a single parent, and my mother and sister etc were all hundreds of miles away but I managed to breastfeed successfully and raise him to be a lovely little man. Since then I am with another partner and life is a hell of a lot easier with his support.

You are not your mother and you are not doomed! :)

My Dd1 is lovely, she's a confident, happy, assertive teenager and I look at her and think that's how I should have been as a teenager if only I'd been nurtured and loved the way that she is.

I've taken my childhood and used it to guide me on how to be a parent - by not doing anything the way my parents did it. I think I'm a good parent, well certainly good enough. I just have to look at my DDs to remind myself of that.

Parenting is hard without extended family to help but at least you'll have your boyfriend.

Hi, this is my first post too!

I wanted to respond as my mum was in a similar situation to you. Her father died, and she was unfortunately treated very badly emotionally and physically by her mother through her childhood, and continued to be bullied in her adulthood. She didn't want have kids until her mid 30's but once she did, she was a wonderful mum, very supportive and kind and not a trace of how she was treated was passed on.

Also, as my sisters and I became adults and developed an understanding of how she was treated, we were able to support her and I know we helped her become stronger and deal with the mistreatment she had suffered.

Everyone is different but having children helped my mum and she has been a brilliant parent. I'm pregnant with my first child and I know she will be a great grandparent too!

It might be worth speaking to a consellor about how you feel about being a parent and get some reassurance that it is possible to be a great parent even though you didn't have a good example. They might also help you develop coping strategies for difficult days so that you are confident that you won't default to your mother's (awful) strategies.

I know it might seem backwards me suggesting that counselling might be useful if you feel you've dealt with all of it already. But you'd never thought about the possibility of becoming a parent before and its not unusual for some new feelings to come to the surface either when you decide to have a family of your own, or when you are parenting your child. You might for instance feel sad/angry about what happened to you all over again when you have a good parenting relationship with your child and realise how much you missed when you were little.

I think you need to address this idea that you are somehow tainted by your mother's lack of mothering before you decide whether to have a family in the near future or not. Its certainly not unusual for people with normal upbringings to be uninterested in other people's babies and children, but they love and are affectionate towards their own. My sister never struck me as particuarly maternal, and she says that she doesn't feel connected with other people's babies, but she is amazing with her little one that was born last year.

Lastly, remember that your children would have two parents. You don't need to do everything. If your BF wants to have children then he'll want to spend some time with them too, at which point you could continue your writing.

If you decide that you might like to have a child, you will want to have some open discussions with your BF about sharing the parenting tasks so that you can each have time to continue your own passions (whether that's as a career or as a hobby). You'd also want to speak to him about parenting and your worries about how you were brought up so that he can share responsibility for making sure that that as a couple the two of you parent your child the way you both want to.

The important thing is that there is no rush. This idea of having your own child is new to you and it's okay to want to think about how you feel about that before making any big decisions.

Having supportive extended family is useful, of course it is. But it is possible to do without if you don't have any nearby. I'd certainly not bother involving your mother if she is still emotionally abusive. You can get support from friends or you can build up a new support network during pregnancy/after birth by attending groups with other parents. Many of them might also be on their own and be looking for other new parents to talk things over with.

You might find posting in the relationships section of mumsnet helpful, its not just about partners, it's also about relationships with family members.

No.

Only joking! I am a big believer that history need not repeat itself. However, I think you are being wise and honest with yourself in addressing this issue now and not after you conceive or never at all.

I had a very abusive childhood and becoming a parent did bring up many unresolved issues from the past, despite years of counselling. I think this happens a lot when survivors of bad childhoods have children, so it is very important to have support (psychological as well as practical). I was in no way prepared for the force with which memories of my own childhood and the trauma from them hit me a little while after I had my DC and it was very hard to look after myself and get the help that I needed for this stage of healing whilst parenting a young child.

I have no partner and no family.

I think you can get a huge amount out of being a mum and being a 'good enough' mum - it is very healing in itself to create a lovely family that is so unlike the one you had, and the unconditional love of children is incredibly special and wonderful.

I agree with the other poster who said the biggest decision is whether you want a child in the first place. It is hard work, of course, but it is also so rewarding. Then if you decide you do, I hope you can talk to your partner and counsellor about your reservations and find really good support so that you have all the help you need, particularly if you end up struggling with PND or (as I did) further painful memories and anguish after the child is born.

I had a dismal and then non-existent mother-daughter relationship. I was concerned that I would be a poor mother and I have to tell you that I am absolutely not! I'm certainly inclined to raise my voice when stressed and tired but my daughter is incredibly secure, very much loved and wanted and very very happy. Her soon-to-be born sibling will no doubt feel the same too. I took my mother's parenting and turned it into a 'how no to'. You can do the same and the fact that you are concerned is an excellent sign

Also, I just wanted to add that I think something crucial for you to address before having a baby would be your boundaries in your current relationship with your Mum.

It sounds from your post that you were considering using her for practical support if she made it available to you, yet you also characterize her as the person who made you suffer a lot, resulting in years of counselling. I think you need to resolve this conflict using your support resources i.e. what boundaries you want in your own relationship with your mother - do you still see her as a source of any kind of help/ support or are you going to go it alone because she does you more harm than good? - before you involve any vulnerable child in that conflict.

I know it is very hard to make decisions about 'make or break' with a parent and it is definitely better that you sort this out before having the baby if you can. it might be a total break or you and your BF might decide that you would not ask your mum/ allow your mum for any practical involvement with any child (even if it was offered) so that you can be clear about your own boundaries. This child would be yours and not your mum's so it is up to you.

I, too, had an abusive childhood and ended up in care and on the child protection register. I do not have contact with a single member of my family. When I was pregnant with DS, I was terrified that history would repeat itself and spoke to a couple of professionals about my fears. One of them said something which really made me think - 'those who express their fears aloud are not the ones we need to worry about because they are being open about what they are scared might do. The ones who keep these fears to themselves are doing so because they haven't ruled abuse out.'

I have a wonderful relationship with my son and for me it is really important to be able to reach out and touch someone related to me by blood - it becomes important when you have no family to make your own.

I bit the bullet after torturing myself about what kind of mother i would be.

Determination and a fantastic DH has ensured that i am NOTHING like my mother.

I am a very different person to her.

Best thing i ever did was having my son.
I have proved to myself that i am good at it, but most importantly that i am doing it how it should be done, the way every child deserves to be brought up.

We are a happy family.

Actually, it has meant that i cannot, for the life of me, understand how or why my mother was the way she was with me and my siblings.
Now i am a mum, i just could never be like that, its just not in me.

Good luck with your future.

I sympathise. I had an unpleasant upbringing myself & was also on the child protection register. I've now broken all contact with my mother -she doesn't even know I'm pregnant - and my dad lives in America so will not get any support there. Having said that, I have an ncredibly supportive & caring DH & a very close-knit family from his side. The thing I keep telling myself is that I know what my mother said & did to me was wrong so I can't imagine why I would do the same things to my children. I think the most important thing to remember is that you are your own person & not your mum. You share blood & traits with her, but that doesn't mean you will end up doing the same things.

My daughter is still very small, so I probably don't have a lot to add to the wonderful answers above (which I have found very helpful!). She will be a year old next month, and though it was a bit of a bumpy start and I did end up going on meds for postnatal depression, we are definitely doing far better than I feared we might.

I think one of the most important factors for me is having a partner who is 100% reliable, stable, and kind. I talk with him about everything that comes up, and I trust his judgement: he knows that if I ever did become neglectful or unkind towards our child he should not pull any punches and that his priority should be her welfare. We have spoken at length about my fears and that dialogue is ongoing, though by now I worry less as I can see already that the dynamic is quite different and that our child is happy and confident.

Re: your relationship with your mum, I think that marchpoppy makes a very good point. I think that sometimes it is best to try to see what their strengths and weaknesses are (as far as possible) without judgement, and have no unrealistic expectations. I am lucky in that my mother has changed a great deal since I was a child, and since my fathers death a couple of years ago- but some things will never change. I would still never expect her to be a cuddly, doting grandma figure. It just isn't her. I wouldn't leave my daughter alone with her for long, either- it would be too much to expect of her. However, there are other things I can and do appreciate her for- her intelligence and sharp wit, for example.

The fact that you are so concerned really does mean that you have excellent odds of doing better than most: but remember, the most important thing is to just do your best, and enjoy building a bond with your baby- and don't stress too much. Got to post and run, apologies for any bad syntax/spelling...

Lots and lots of people break the cycle of abuse, with or without the aid of counselling or the support that many families have. I grew to be a good mum, my relationships with my children is nothing like the relationship I had with my mother. My mother taught me a very important lesson, how NOT to be a parent. Being abused does not mean you will grow to be that person yourself. Good luck OP, it sounds as if you are taking all the right steps to stop history repeating it's self.

Thanks for all your wonderful answers. There is a lot to think about here!

My relationship with my mother is one of tolerance. I have forgiven her a long time ago for what she did, because I woke up and realized one day that the anger I felt in my early 20s was corroding me and making me ill, without achieving anything positive. There is no way that my mother has the capacity to offer support to a grandchild, so the question of how I might deal with that is moot: she is simply too caught up with her own problems and her own world to even recognize that she has a daughter who might occasionally need her. She rarely leaves the house, and doesn't really have the capacity to think about anything beyond her immediate surroundings. I have lived miles away for a very long time, so I do not figure on her radar. I got divorced five years ago, and she was conspicuous by her total absence and relentless negativity - she even had my ex-partner to stay, despite the fact that he'd been physically violent to me!

It's not her own fault - she isn't mentally well and she has been through a hell of a time recently as she has had a horrible type of breast cancer that necessitated really intensive and draining treatment. Also, my sister is entirely selfish, still lives at home despite the fact that she's over 30, has a good job and a partner, and is perfectly able to stand on her own two feet. She still absorbs all of my mother's spare energy (my mother still does her washing, cooking, ironing - everything), so in some ways my mum hasn't had a chance to stop being a parent and live her own life. No wonder she's so bitter!! I have tried to talk gently to my sister about the unfairness of the situation, but ended up being told in no uncertain terms by both of them to mind my own business! So I do.

I know it would hurt her a lot if I cut myself off, and I have no wish to do that. She's still my mum, and whatever the history between us, I still love her hugely. I maintain a kind of cordial relationship, in which I try to come over as non-judgemental as possible. I ring her regularly, we chat, and I see her every few months. This works fine for me - I shield myself from any hurt by having zero expectations of her. Nothing she can do can shock or hurt me, so when she starts acting up or says things that are horrible, I just brush it off instead of getting upset. But I still try to be as compassionate as possible towards her, because I know she is ill and would not choose to be the way she is if she could change.

My fear was really that I would repeat her behaviour if I had kids myself - I wonder sometimes if it is something awful and genetic inside me that I can't change that will leap out if I have children. The replies in this thread, especially those from people who have been through something similar and emerged as very different kinds of parents, are really reassuring. I am going to talk to a counsellor anyway, just to be on the safe side. I think a big thing for me is hearing that there are people doing their own thing, and being a parent as well, because my mother took the attitude that if you do anything for yourself other than looking after the house and the children 24/7 you are a bad and selfish person. I know that I could never be that kind of mother, because I would be very unhappy - I have to be able to do other things like work and writing and the odd night out! But it is difficult to escape the inner voice of disapproval that her attitudes have ingrained in me, even though I know that this kind of martyrish behaviour is the REASON my mother is the way she is.

Yes ofcours they can. I use my awful childhood and disgustingly toxic mother as a guide to raising my DS - I just do the opposite of everything I was shown or experienced.

DP suffered a horrid childhood too, quite similar to mine, and he's a great father and step-father, we've both experienced first hand what not to do so completely understand the importance of giving dc the best start in life that you can.

I have just been speaking to my dp as he has been in a similar situation as yourself, and also felt he would be a useless father figure.

He is a step-dad to my 3 yr old and i'm 22 weeks preg with his 1st born,
Do you have any social friends or friends with dc's themselves as they can really help with childcare and cheaper items for baby or do you have a children's centre near by you as they give lots of support for new mums and dads, my dp has received no end of support with helping him to become a better step-dad/dad. And surely your dp will be able to take time out of work to help with the new baby and give you time to yourself so he gets chance to bond with the LO. My dp showed ds a lot of love and support by giving him things that he never got from his mother, such as cuddles, kisses, play dates at children's centres. He was told by one worker at our local centre, the fact that he has gone and asked for help so he doesnt behaviour like his mother is a very good sign that he wont be anything like her cos he knows how it feels to be treated so unkindly and will do everything he can for dcs not be feel like that. I think that the fact for thinking about how you was brought up and that you dont want children been brought up the same way is a good sign that you will be a very good mum. you've already done a big step by coming on here and asking for help/advise. I say talk to dp and if your both seriously thinking about it, then go for it and you'll both be brill parents hun.

I'm sorry, I don't have direct experience of this . But I just wanted to say, what a lovely thread this is. I applaud and admire all parents who have broken the cycle of abuse and neglect, and are loving, fantastic parents to their children.