Husband worries

[PipJoy]

Anyone else's husband/partner not quite as into it as you'd hoped? Even though planned? Think nervous/overwhelmed but just a little worried and dad he's not ecstatic...

Sorry that was 'sad' he's not ecstatic...

He maybe is just really, really overwhelmed as you said. I know I was in fact my oh was more into it than me at the beginning but I've caught him up now :-)

Hi Pip,

I was worried with our DS1 than my DH wasn't 'as into it' all as me. He didnt really do the excited chatting/ planning thing, nor did he want to keep feeling my bump when the baby kicked. We'd had IVF so the baby was as planned as planned could be so I couldn't really understand his reluctance.

The very second and minute that our son was born it all changed though. It was like a switch was flicked - I literally saw DH fall in love with our son before my very eyes and now he's 15 mo old (and I'm 6 weeks off having DS2!) he is the MOST devoted dad you could imagine!

I think most women tend to bond with the baby as soon as they find out they are pregnant. They are the ones carrying the baby, feeling them move and being awash with bonding hormones after all. For most men I'd say the baby doesn't become real to them until it's born. I know that applies in DH's case anyway!

we were trying for 18months before falling pregnant and i was initially disappointed with oh reaction... i think he just saw me being moody and quite sick and couldn't see far beyond that. i found at our 4d 'bonding' scan there was a big turn around, we didn't feel her kick till quite late as my placenta at front but at the scan could see her kicking away and pulling a face that i describe as oh s thinking face!i think it wad at that point it dawned on him our baby was in there!!!!!

Sorry to give a negative story but just so you do have the other side.
How is everything else with him? We?d been trying for a year and so went to the Drs together to start down the fertility testing road. Turns out I was already pregnant (only just!) and when I told him 2 weeks later he sort of went into shock and couldn?t believe it. One minute he would be talking about how he could be supportive and the next was acting very strangely, picking at me over nothing. Turns out he was having an affair and was planning on leaving me which he did a few weeks later. My turn for the shock.
The irresponsible tosser now sees DD every other weekend.
This is the stuff of nightmares and think it is rare so it?s more likely to be nerves for your DH. Sit him down and ask.

My builder (of all people!) has two small children and said to me that men are generally crap and don't really 'get it' as they find it hard to relate to the pregnancy.

At 9 weeks along, DP is still generally in panic mode, mostly I think because he doesn't feel he has achieved the things in his life he expected to at this point (regarding job, house etc). I have pushed him into it as we are both 40 and it really is now or never. I, on the other hand, just feel grateful that we have got as far as we have.

At the moment I am giving a fair bit of leeway with his rubbish comments (I complained about not fitting into clothes any more the other day and he said I should do some exercise... WTF?!?)

Anyway, he will be fine - just have to accept that he thinks differently to me and doesn't have the same priorities in life at present. Of course it's frustrating, especially when they are likely to be the only person you can talk to about pregnancy for the first few weeks/months but I think they all come round eventually (I hope)

Hellow Pip

When DW was pregant with DS1 I didnt really connect or get excited until he was born. Give your DH a bit of slack and don't worry about his reaction. He does not have any physical connection to the baby yet, he doesnt have that 'birth' expectation you have. It is still a very abstract concept for him.

Of course I was proud of DW, happy for us both after a lot of heartache trying to get pregant but mainly I kind of did practical thinking about what we needed to do before the birth, keeping things ticking over at home, making sure DW was OK and not trying to do too much. It was kind of weird, interesting and funny feeling DS1 move inside DW but not like an overwhelming rush of love or emotion - right up until that moment that I actually held him in my arms. Then everything changed forever.

Wow - thank you guys - didn't expect so many responses, really grateful for the support and feel much reassured - appreciate the balancing side too - good to be realistic, although think we are good, am really sorry for your crap experience, sounds horrible. I think he is a bit shocked all happened so quickly, within a month of trying, and he is much younger than me at 30 too, I would have been shocked at 30! Guess didn't expect as thought him keener on the kids idea than me, yet now am all calm and bonded like you say. Guess shall let it all unfold naturally and let him take his time! Thanks all

I think men can feel a number of things;

It's not really real because the baby isn't there yet
Scared that something will go wrong so don't want to get too attached
OMG I have to be a grown up and support my family.
Please don't let me turn into my dad. I don't even own a cardigan and slippers.
My dad was crap, what if I am crap?
Ho hum, lots to buy before the baby, better get finances sorted out.
OH god, is our life over and will we ever just have fun again?
Wow, I have co-created a human. It's a bit overwhelming so I'll stay quiet while I process this whole thing.
And so on.

I think most "normal" (read keen and involved) men are great once the baby arrives and there is something tangible to love and get involved with.

following on from my last comment, it made me realise that (DP aside), men can actually be full of surprises when it comes to support. When I had a MC last year, my male boss was great - didn't pry, but sent messages of support (said his wife had been through it 3 times) and was completely flexible about time off to recover.

I had to tell my dentist recently at a check-up that I was pregnant and he was almost embarrassingly excited - had to tell him to pipe down a bit as it was early days

Also, no man ever said to me "well at least you know you can get pregnant now" (possibly the worst possible thing you can hear) and almost every single female friend/relative said that!

My husband was like this. I finally got pregnant after trying for almost a year after a miscarriage. I did a test at 5.30 in the morning and woke him up to tell him. He just turned over and went back to sleep.

He would never hold his hand long enough on my bump to feel the baby move.

But again, as snowboarder said. It was like a switch when our daughter was born. He was so quick to bond with her, even quicker than me. It was so lovely to see him holding her while I was recovering from the C-section. Oh my god, I'm crying now just thinking of the memory (and I don't cry easily). She is 3.5 now and he's always been an amazing dad and will always put us first.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with our second baby and he's similar again. He still doesn't hold his hand over my bump long enough. I think it's just a man thing!

On the other hand, I know plenty of other men who absolutely raved about the pregnancy/ wanting to be a dad etc, and their wives complain that they are crap with their kids - won't do this or the other, will not look after the kids on their own.

Hi Pip

Just to add to the pot, I posted a similar thread a while back but since my bump has grown (mahoosively) over the past 4 weeks, DH has definitely become more interested. I make sure I tell him when she's kicking and stuff and talk about her bore him a lot.

He will become more interested as it goes on I promise, I think it's just when you still look like you but are just a sicker possibly grumpier and more tired version they find it hard to relate to a baby being part of the equation until stuff starts happening! :)

I want to keep him feeling involved/included but am also trying not just talk about baby all the time but it's a fine line. I found that starting to buy stuff after the 20 week scan helped, he felt involved and enjoyed looking at all the options/putting stuff together etc.

But do talk to him if you're worried.

Sorry I haven't read all the comments but just want to say something I read somewhere a while ago:
"Women become mothers the day they find out they are pregnant. Men become fathers the day they hold their baby in their arms"

Don't worry. He'll be over the moon once the little one is in his arms.

Have you had a scan yet? My DP is not showing the slightest bit of interest in my 26wk sized bump, nor is he reading any books or asking any questions. But, at both the 12 and 20 wk scans he has has had a much more marked reaction than me and has cried and been very emotional for a few days afterwards. As he has pointed out to me a few times, his life has not really changed much at all these past months (except for me being a bigger bth than usual apparently :)). whereas for me the pregnancy is much more tangible and real... Don't worry too much. I doubt the indifference at this stage is any real reflection of how he'll actually be as a dad.

It is incredible how everybody is different.My dh is a academic mad professor kind of guy... always not paying attention tovmy last pregnancy and only tried to feel the bump once. Forward nine months and when the ds was born(Iwas without my husband diring labour - my idea) and as soon he saw they they clicked. Not in a gushy way, but wonderful nevertheless.
fast forward to the present and although my pregnancy is acknowleged dh head is in his books again.
Ps so is my ds head...buried in a book....
I laugh...

My DH acted as if he was uninterested and blasé about DC2. Later realised that this was due to the MC we had last year. After the 12 week scan and definitely more so after the 20 week scan, he really stArted to connect and get excited.

Thank you so much for all the comments guys - means a lot that you all took time out to reply - and does seem that there is some common experience there! You all make a lot of sense! Dating scan helped, we're having a tough day with bleeding and trip to a&e and he has been amazing. Think we will be fine if the little one is. Thank you all.