Pregnant and......happy?

[Carmadchick]

Hi,

First time on here, really felt the need to get my feelings out. I apologise if what I'm about to say seems insensitive to anybody, I really don't mean it to.

I found out last week that I'm pregnant with my first child, I'm probably about 6 weeks along. It's a planned pregnancy. We had discussed it in much detail over the last year or so, and it's something we're both sure we want. Bit of background - both me and my husband are early-mid thirties, we own a small home and we have jobs that are about as stable as they can be at the moment, and our relationship is secure.

The moment I took the test and saw the line I just felt nothing. I thought I'd be happy, but there was just nothing. I took more tests to be sure, again, I felt nothing. I smiled and everything with my husband, but my insides felt dead. And things haven't improved really. I genuinely want this baby, I'm just finding everything about being pregnant a bit confusing in my head. I actually woke up in the middle of the night last night and my first thought was "I don't want to be pregnant." Every day a new worry about the pregnancy is coming to me - everything from the very serious (which upsets me so much) to the trivial.

I do have some history of depression, and it's always come up when some bad event or life upheaval has happened, so I'm worried that it's happening again. But if I tell anybody like the doctor, will it somehow be noted that I might be an unfit mother? I haven't seen a midwife yet, I'm in the process of being referred by my GP surgery.

I'm just so confused. I should be happiest person in the world, and I do feel lucky to be pregnant. I don't even know if I'm after advice here, I just wanted to get my words out. But I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I KNOW I want this baby, and I KNOW I'll be a good mother and my child will have a lovely upbringing, but getting to that point of having my child and my happy family just seems so scary.

Husband is walking on air. I've told him I'm scared and therefore refuse to discuss anything about the pregnancy apart from my own health, which he has accepted, but I know he's secretly thinking about pushchairs and family cars, and I don't think he realises just how scared I am.

I'm hoping that once I've seen the midwife I'll start to relax more. In the meantime, thank you for reading if you've made it through my ramblings!

You sound like me 15 weeks ago, I wouldn't worry, its completely normal.
I felt awful and guilty for questioning whether I really DID actually want to be a mum, especially when I have friends and family that would give anything to conceive.
Like you, my DP and I planned our pregnancy but when it actually happened it absolutely petrified me. But you have to bear in mind that you're sharing your body with someone else for the next 40 weeks of your life, you've got some crazy hormones running around your body and doing some mad things to your state of mind so naturally, and very normally, you are going to experience some extreme highs and lows.
Eventually your hormones settle and you'll feel yourself returning to a level of normality but you have to remember that these first few weeks are hard on you and your body, give yourself a break and time to come around to what's going to be an amazing time in your life.
This forum has been my saviour whenever I'm feeling down, struggling or just wanting to vent my frustrations and worries to a group of women that understand... and I'm only half way through!
Welcome, congratulations and big hugs! xx

You're pregnant, your hormones are fucked.

Fwiw, i had that paralysing terror right up until my 12 week scan (now 15+4) and it was starting to creep in again up until i heard the heartbeat for the first time yesterday.

Have you seen a Health Care Professional yet? I was in a blind panic when i tested (unplanned although much wanted pregnancy, we were supposed to be waiting for a couple of years for practical reasons!) so booked an emergency appointment with the practice nurse at my GP surgery. She confirmed it for me, gave me space to waffle on and cry, then talked me through the next stages to get my GP to refer me to the midwife service.

The other thing that's keeping me sane is chatting to other women at the same stage in the ante-natal section on here. It's organised by the month you're due and it's really reassuring me discussing symptoms, bump sizes, how much junk food we're all craving blah blah blah.

Be kind to yourself, tell a close family member or friend (someone I'd turn to if it went wrong was my criteria pre-scan) and get DH to make a fuss if you - you're growing a whole new person, it's an enormous responsibility :)

Hi Carmadchick

My daughter is now 5 and I totally adore her, but if it helps I felt exactly like you when I found out I was pregnant, despite it being planned. It scared the hell out of me and I considered a termination, I didn't really start to feel anything emotionally until they thought shed stopped growing around 28 weeks and I got really upset that something might be wrong. Even when she was born by c-section I didn't feel anything, all I said when I saw her is she's got lots of hair!

The first night the nurses lay her on me because she wouldn't stop crying and it was the best thing that could have happened, I didn't get a wink of sleep as I watched her the whole night, but by the morning I was smitten.

What you are feeling is very common and in fact I have to confess I'm now 8+6 pregnant with my second child and although I'm not feeling as scared this time, I still don't feel happy about it, despite it being planned! Which is hard when everyone else seems ecstatic!

I've always wanted a baby, right back to primary school it was a plan of mine to have children. DH and I went through 18 months of TTC with various problems when I finally got pg. I'm now 13 weeks and I would say to anyone who asked that I'm happy.

However, being honest, it still doesn't feel real. I don't have feelings of panic over being pg and if I want this baby, but I still don't really think of it as a baby! I keep reminding myself I'll have a baby by Christmas, but I'm not excited about it. I have the pictures from my 12 week scan, but I feel about as much emotion looking at them as I would looking at someone else's. It's a baby, it's an amazing miracle, but I'm not sure it has much to do with me just yet. I think as things progress and I feel more kicks and more of a 'baby' inside, I'll get the excitement.

I am happy, but I would say it's a sort of logical, conscious happy, not a deep fulfilling joy.

If you are worried about depression coming back though, you could maybe book a session for a little private counselling? Find someone who specialises in baby type things and just chat about it all. It should stay off your medical record that way (I think?). It doesn't have to be very expensive (I think I paid about £30 an hour, and did one hour every 2 weeks), and you could choose the number of sessions you wanted to do.

Oh ladies, thank you! I feel a bit more normal now, still the feelings of dread, but they're not so bad knowing I'm not the only one.

Sammyleh - you're right about sharing your body for 40 weeks. Logically that would make anybody nervous!

PurplePidjin - I've not seen anybody at my doctor's yet, but seeing my GP this week to be referred to the midwife. Maybe that'll make everything seem a bit more real.

stepfordmum - it's good to know that you had similar feelings and yet you're doing it again!

Stacks - I think you've described perfectly how I'm feeling - I too wanted children from a young age, and while I'm happy now I'm not HAPPY. Good idea about the private counsellor, I'll keep it in mind.

Of course, the sickness I'm constantly feeling doesn't exactly help with making me feel any better, but hopefully as my hormones settle down things will improve.

I tested on a Saturday, i honestly don't know how i got through to the following Monday to get the appointment it's a complete blur! I can now feel a ridge where my uterus is, but i don't think it'll feel properly real until i get a proper bump - I'm still at the too many pies stage of slight chubbiness

Urgh, I know how you feel... but you need to get away from the feeling that you "should" be feeling a certain way. Every reaction is perfectly valid. I felt exactly like you 20 weeks ago. Even at 12 weeks it was difficult answering people's "Oh, you must be SO thrilled?!" I could hardly say, "Er no not really, full of doubts and bubbling-below-the-surface terror actually..."

However, here I am at 23 weeks and yes, I'm thrilled! (Although still with occasional doubts and terror). I heard one person say that pregnancy is 9 months because that's how long it takes to get used to the idea (regardless of how long you've planned). So far its proving right for me... I'm sure you'll get there in your own time. :)

My main surprise when pg was that I didnt feel how I thought I should feel...then I realised that my main source of how someone feeld in pg is off tv and films and felt a lot better.

Of COURSE its not all dressing in pastels skipping through a meadow. Plys, I am a very private person so the thought that I would in some way become public property was daunting.

I never really felt 'how i thought i should' during most of my pg. My dd and I get on great! I love her very much. However I never felt that Great Rush feeling at birth either. Doesnt mean I love her any less.

I think im too practical to 'loose myself' in pregnancy completely.

With ds we had been trying for 3 years, and even so when I got that first faint line I was still a wreck. I was terrified of giving birth, terrified of being a crap mother, terrified of the responsibility, terrified my life would change and I would never have any fun ever again.
It was only when I had a scan at 14 weeks and saw baby waving and doing flip flops that it finally felt real and a few weeks after that I started to feel movement and I was finally ok with it.
Now I'm pg with no 3 which has taken ivf to get us this far and whilst I am excited and happy, I'm also feeling quite numb inside because I know that as im much older there's more of a chance it could all go wrong, I won't allow myself to get attached to the baby until after I have my dating scan.

Hi all can I join?

Am feeling very similar. Was thrilled when I found out but the last few days have been awful. I'm doubting everything. The rational side of me knows this is ridiculous as this was a very wanted and planned baby but I can't shake feeling really wobbly about it. I just feel like maybe I've made a mistake. Wish it would sort itself so I can get on with being excited again! I know I know it's just hormones but when you feel it it feels so real.

Hi OP - not read your replies so just in answer to the OP itself, I can say that I felt the same until less than 12 hours before DS arrived at 10am!

I had some days where I would feel upbeat about it but others where it was just so surreal and abstract an idea that I was going to have a baby it felt like I was watching it on the TV happening to someone else, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster I couldn't get off (and in some ways you are!). I even had a conversation the evening before he arrived wondering to DH if I would love it.

When DS arrived I fell madly in love and haven't fallen out since (obviously it isn't instant with everyone)

So don't worry that you feel this way - it doesn't mean you have made a mistake or are going to be a bad mum.

However, if you have had depression before, it is worth mentioning to the midwife as they will only want to look after you and have midwives with the necessary skills, as looking after you equates to looking after baby - your baby needs you so getting support is no bad thing. It doesn't mark your cards and may be helpful. :)

P.s I too have second on the way now - feel much more confident and upbeat this time as I know what I am in for and that I will be happy - that was not certain in my mind at all throughout first pregnancy even though much planned and wanted. :)